Adopting Twins From Family Member

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Princess_Abby

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Okay, to make a very long story short…

My cousin is pregnant with twins. She was raped while abroad and the babies are a product of that assault. The man who raped her is thought to be HIV positive. So far, she tests negative.

She is in her twenties, has a graduate degree and is very talented in a number of ways. She is a practicing Catholic. She is not married. She has a good job, but it’s in the non-profit sector and she does not make a large enough salary to comfortably support a new family and child care (in her opinion).

Anyway, my cousin was adamant about keeping these babies up until about six weeks ago when simply seeing her belly began reminding her of the assault and has caused a great deal of anxiety. She now is very anxious to deliver and is questioning whether or not she wants to raise the babies herself, after all. She is in counseling and dealing with all the repercussions of the assault. She has good days and bad days.

Recently she came to me and asked if my husband and I would consider adopting the babies. I was very surprised by this, though during the last several weeks we’ve spent a lot of time talking about how she feels and where she thinks God is directing her in this situation. Though we’ve broached the subject of adoption, it was never in the context of ME adopting the babies–and truthfully, it never crossed my mind. It is not even remotely the sort of situation my husband and I have discussed in terms of what we want in adoption circumstances.

Anyway, it was a very tearful conversation about her fears and why she would want to trust us with her children. She said some very sweet things. However, despite the good sharing, I still felt that there is an undertone of “you guys can raise the babies and I’ll be the second mommy that makes an appearance every once in awhile.” When I asked what she thought her involvement would or should be, she said she wanted a family member to adopt so she could see the babies whenever she wanted to but not be ultimately responsible for their rearing.

This whole situation has red flags all over it for us, and my husband feels very very VERY cautious about it. He knows that it could be pricesely what God has in store for us, but that it is not without a whole host of issues we have said from the beginning is what we fundamentally do not want: an overinvolved birthmother and an extremely open adoption.

However…the birthmother is my cousin and we have been close since childhood. I just don’t know. For instance, she is a big fan of children going to public or private school. My husband and I, however, want to homeschool and feel it is an issue we wouldn’t compromise on. My husband asked her how she would feel about the babies being homeschooled, and she said that she would have to “deal with it.” I guess that indicates to me that she is definitely not at an emotionally distant enough place…yet…to fully realize that giving the babies up for adoption means giving them up.

Aside from that, there is also the HIV possibility, which…

Anyway, that is all I can type for now, this is totally wearing me out.

Any insight??
 
I am in no position to offer insight but I can and will offer prayers. May the Holy Spirit enlighten you, your husband and your cousin and may the Blessed Virgin protect you. I will also pray for your cousin’s and the baby’s health.

God bless you all.
 
I will pray for God’s will in your life. Sometimes He delivers us His gifts in unexpected ways - ways that don’t necessarily flow with the plans we have outlined.

Some country singer says it best in a song , “If you wanna make God laugh, tell Him your plans.”

God be with you and help you to know His will.
 
I have a nephew that has adopted three girls from three different birth moms and all of the adoptions are open ones. This have been a learning experience for the whole family. The birth moms are not involved day to day. My nephews wife sends pictures to the moms. She has limited communication. It has all worked well and we keep up prayers for them because they love their three girls to pieces. They are now 7, 5 and 2.

I won’t offer you advice really, but prayers. Stay close to your cousin for she needs to keep communicating. I will pray for all of you involved in this very important decision.

One thing I might add. If she changes her mind and takes back her offer, don’t be surprised if you feel a loss. Expecting a baby even if you have only just thought about it is very exciting and scary. A miscarriage is so very hard on people, but those that are trying to adopt report very similar losses. This was not your idea, but since it was put to you, you just might experience some of the same.
 
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Fitz:
One thing I might add. If she changes her mind and takes back her offer, don’t be surprised if you feel a loss. Expecting a baby even if you have only just thought about it is very exciting and scary. A miscarriage is so very hard on people, but those that are trying to adopt report very similar losses. This was not your idea, but since it was put to you, you just might experience some of the same.
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Thank you for saying this. I already feel there is a certain element of “dangling” the babies in front of me. I don’t mean that in an uncharitable way, but I think she is sooooo confused right now and not sure what she really wants. There has been a little bit of back and forth, lots of tears, and she keeps coming back to saying “I want you and your husband to take them.” But, I just don’t feel like I BELIEVE her yet. I’m really worried about finally believing her, going through the process, and then her changing her mind.
 
We have had a somewhat similar situation in our family, and here are my feelings about the situation-

Everyone involved (you, your husband, and cousin) need to be very up-front with each other from the get-go about what your expectations are. If I were in the sitaution, I would want it to make sure that the birthmom (cousin) knew that if she gave us her babies, that WE would be the parents, and that she would be Cousin So-and-So. I would be happy discuss with her and let her know what our future plans are for our family, so she can decide if you are truly where she feels she should place her babies- but I would make it clear that if she did place her babies with us, we would not be accountable to her for our family decisions.

Of course, everything must be done with love and care, and always with the babies best interest in mind.

Also- how do her parents feel about this?
 
Thank you Riabia. I completely agree with you. Unfortunately I’m not feeling like SHE is grasping that the babies would really be ours and no longer her’s. We’ve discussed that I would be Mommy and she would stay “Cousin so-and-so” but she does want to be involved in “telling them” about the circumstances of their birth at some point. (The babies will be bi-racial, so the adoption part will at least be obvious from the beginning–just not the cirumstances.) I do not like the idea of anyone outside of my husband or I deciding when, how and how much to tell them.

My husband literally cannot get to the point where he’s even like, “yes, let’s even consider this.” He thinks that my cousin is extremely emotional and looking for a way out that puts her in the best position possible. She knows that we would provide a loving and nurturing home for the babies, but–as many would–she still wants to have her thumb in the pie, so to speak.

She makes some very inconsistent comments about realizing where the boundaries would be, and though we’ve had many discussions it is still early in the process.

Anyway, her mother does not want her to keep the babies. She thinks my husband and I should adopt them. However…there are some weird issues there. My cousin and I were very close growing up and there was some competition there. My aunt would sometimes make comments about me being this or that over my cousin, which bred a little resentment during our teen years. Fortunately that is healed (to my knowledge). Still, my aunt has always sort of put me on a pedastal and I still hear comments from her, in front of my cousin, about how wonderful my husband is, how great my life is supposedly, etc and why can’t my cousin do some of the things I’ve done, why can’t she find a husband as wonderful as mine, etc. My cousin and I are pretty good at shutting some of that down, however, and my aunt has recently gotten the hint.

I just can’t shake how uncomfortable I am about it, but I am also really torn about what is best for the babies. I would love to love them, but I don’t see the logistics surrounding taking them as being very do-able.
 
Oh Abby… I feel for you. What a difficult situation. In some respects it almost seems like the sort of thing God would do… you & your husband wanting to adopt… your cousin wanting to give you the babies - both of them being raised in a loving Christian home. It’s almost as if God is making something wonderful out of what started as a tragic situation - (the rape). On the otherhand, I’m not sure how comfortable I’d be with the birthmom being around whenever she wanted - close cousin or not. I suppose if you were able to establish boundries very early on… although I think because you & she are close, it might be even more difficult?

Does she live very close to you? Would she assume her role as a wonderful “Auntie” - rather than a 2nd mommy? I’d want to sort all of that out before I let my heart take over.

It certainly has the potential to be such a blessing for these two innocent sweet babies…

You have my prayers,
CM
 
I totally agree with carol marie, and have just thought of something else- is there enough time between now and when the babies are born for a home study to be done, and all the legalities of adoption to be taken care of so the babies could go home with you from the hospital?
 
I really appreciate all of your comments about this, it’s helping me sort of process how I feel about all of it. My husband and I have decided to keep it entirely between ourselves until we’re more sure about where we stand, what we want, what my cousin firmly wants and what is best for the babies.

She is due December 7th. My father is an attorney and I know from hearing him talk about work, his colleagues, etc that he has a good friend who is an adoption lawyer. I think she would work very hard for us and things would move swiftly if we all came to a decision that we wanted to move forward. I know my cousin is consulting her attorney next week. However, I have no idea how long a homestudy takes or if it would definitely be done in time.

There have been moments where the excitement bubbles up and I’m like, oh my gosh…babies! Twins! This would be so amazing! …But. It is not the package we anticipated and I’m truly so worried about the circumstances.

My cousin lives about 30-40 minutes away from us, however…we live in a three bedroom apartment and won’t necessarily be living here for more than a year or so. Possibly two. But, she lives near where my husband works and we had always planned to buy a home near there. So, the potential is to be only like ten minutes away from her. Obviously our home buying plans might be tweaked in this area though.

My husband and I have both spoken with my cousin about the importance of having the babies come home with us from the hospital and she understands that. But I don’t think she or my aunt understand that we would want time to bond as a family. My aunt has said things like, “you’d have two extra sets of hands to be there and get to know “our” babies!” Yes, “our” babies.

I wish I felt good about it but I just don’t. Yet.

Oh, the other obstacle is that while my parents don’t realize how far we’ve gone in our discussion with my cousin, they have somewhat opinionated viewpoints when it comes to these particular babies. My parents are of the opinion that raising children who are the product of rape is risky business. In their opinion, children are somewhat more influenced by nature then nurture. My dad, being the attorney, does a lot of pro bono juvenile work. He has noticed over the years that many of his clients have been adopted children and some of whom were conceived in similar violent circumstances. He seems to have the idea that raising children of a rapist is simply asking for problems down the road. He and I have been around and around about this (in hypothetical discussions not pertaining to my cousin’s babies whatsoever) and I can only imagine his reaction to all of this.
 
Does she want you to adopt because she feels guilty about wanting to give them up and thinks that if a family member adopted them, her guilt will be lessened because they won’t be far from her? Or because she is scared that whomever else adopts them could potentially be a horrible parent and she knows that you are safe?
 
Momofone:
Does she want you to adopt because she feels guilty about wanting to give them up and thinks that if a family member adopted them, her guilt will be lessened because they won’t be far from her? Or because she is scared that whomever else adopts them could potentially be a horrible parent and she knows that you are safe?
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The latter. But maybe both.
 
The only way I would adopt them is if she is willing to sign a contract that says she will consider them your children and that she will never contest the custody. Red flags. I see them for you too. This is a very sad situation and she doesn’t sound like she is in teh emotional place to make this kind of decision where she will continue to see the babies and have possible regrets and break both your hearts and the hearts of your adopted children, eventually. You also don’t need someone being a second mother.

Anything is better than the children not being taken care of, though.
 
The thing that raised a red flag for me was your aunt’s comment about “our babies” Especially in light of the history of competition between you and your cousin. Is your aunt pushing for you to adopt the twins because she is not willing to give up being grandma? Is she thinking you would make a better mother than her daughter would, but she still gets access to the grandkids? It sounds like there are two women who need to completely understand what the boundaries are with these children. And auntie may prove to be the biggest hurdle.

In my experience, things that are meant to be usually fall into place and it just feels right from the get go. Usually when you have to weigh pros and cons and agonize about the decision, it wasn’t right in the first place. But that’s only my experience.

I’ll be praying for you.

Arlene
 
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Princess_Abby:
Okay, to make a very long story short…This whole situation has red flags all over it for us, and my husband feels very very VERY cautious about it. He knows that it could be pricesely what God has in store for us, but that it is not without a whole host of issues we have said from the beginning is what we fundamentally do not want: an overinvolved birthmother and an extremely open adoption.

Aside from that, there is also the HIV possibility, which…

Anyway, that is all I can type for now, this is totally wearing me out.

Any insight??
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Code: 
 Trust your instincts!
~Kathy ~
 
I will be praying for the pregnant cousin and her innocent unborn babies. Poor woman to be in the situation she is in, and to have made the hardest and most selfless choice to bear rather than to abort these babies. I will also pray that she never gets a hint that her extended family sees it any other way than with Christian love for her and her innocent children. Perhaps it would be best for these children to be given to non-family members for adoption.
 
Abby,

I am the product of rape, adopted by my biological uncle and his wife. My bio mom moved away three days after I was born and agreed to write letters, send gifts, etc., and not meet me until I was 18. She did all those things. She married and had a family. I know her as my aunt and she never tried to be my mother. I was baptized before she left and she was/is my “Godmother”. I love knowing that all my dads relatives are really mine as well and I have no desire to know anything about the bio father. So, it can work, but it will take a lot of patience and negociating for the good of the children. Have all you wishes “legalized” and stick to the arrangements. When you adopt, the children are YOURS!

God Bless

Love and peace

Mom of 5
 
La Chiara:
I will also pray that she never gets a hint that her extended family sees it any other way than with Christian love for her and her innocent children. Perhaps it would be best for these children to be given to non-family members for adoption.
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Actually, my aunt is my father’s sister and shares his sentiments. We have an adopted cousin on that side of the family who was a child of rape, grew up to commit rape and then committed suicide. I have the compassion to understand how my father, aunt and their sisters and brother have come to their biased conclusions–out of their pain. My cousin is more than aware of the situation, too, having grown up hearing the same opinions expressed. Take your assumptions elsewhere.
 
Mom of 5:
Abby,

I am the product of rape, adopted by my biological uncle and his wife. My bio mom moved away three days after I was born and agreed to write letters, send gifts, etc., and not meet me until I was 18. She did all those things. She married and had a family. I know her as my aunt and she never tried to be my mother. I was baptized before she left and she was/is my “Godmother”. I love knowing that all my dads relatives are really mine as well and I have no desire to know anything about the bio father. So, it can work, but it will take a lot of patience and negociating for the good of the children. Have all you wishes “legalized” and stick to the arrangements. When you adopt, the children are YOURS!

God Bless

Love and peace

Mom of 5
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Thank you for your hopeful sentiments. Thank you especially for sharing. I really appreciate that.
 
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