Adopting Twins From Family Member

[La_Chiara]

Princess_Abby:

Actually, my aunt is my father’s sister and shares his sentiments. We have an adopted cousin on that side of the family who was a child of rape, grew up to commit rape and then committed suicide. I have the compassion to understand how my father, aunt and their sisters and brother have come to their biased conclusions–out of their pain. My cousin is more than aware of the situation, too, having grown up hearing the same opinions expressed. Take your assumptions elsewhere.

Your response is further evidence that perhaps it would be best if the unborn children were placed for adoption with non-family members. Your cousin’s grace in this crisis is inspiring. God bless her and her unborn babies.

 

[Princess_Abby]

So, I spoke to my aunt and cousin tonight, on the phone (on three-way). I think we actually had a very productive conversation, as I was extremely honest about my concerns. I think my cousin was slightly taken aback by my concern regarding the second mommy issue. She admitted that there is a part of her that hopes to be very involved in their rearing and that while she doesn’t want to keep the babies, she wants very much to give them to us and know that they are safe and loved and being raised in a Catholic home. She said that she has been speaking with her counselor about it (she goes every other day) and that she feels a sense of “peace and rightness” when she thinks of the babies being with my husband and I. However, she admitted that she is not sure yet what she is comfortable with, in terms of being involved in their lives.

I told her that was fine, but that I needed to tell her what my husband and I are comfortable with, and then she can decide if she is able to be okay with how we feel. She actually sounded relieved to hear me put it that way.

Anyway, I explained that it would be very important for the babies to grow up believing and understanding that WE are their parents. But that my husband and I do not plan on divulging the gory details, possibly, ever. Yes, perhaps we can at some point during their young adulthood–meaning, after age 18, and with their permission, explore the idea of identifying her as their birth mother. I explained at this point in time that we feel it is unnecessary and potentially harmful for them to ever know they are a product of rape. She was quiet about this, but my aunt jumped in immediately and said she had never even considered they idea of telling the babies they were conceived as an act of rape. My cousin finally chimed in and said she could see the logic of this and agreed it would be emotionally damaging for them to know that particular detail.

I also addressed specific comments I’ve gotten from each of them regarding the babies being “all of ours” etc. They each apologized and said that they recognize the importance of my husband and I creating a family unit together and without the pressure of extra (name removed by moderator)ut and extra expectations.

Anyway, we discussed a number of other things but I felt a little better about it after we hung up.

 

[Princess_Abby]

La Chiara:

Your cousin’s grace in this crisis is inspiring. God bless her and her unborn babies.

She is a phenomenal woman. The rape happened in Africa while she was doing work for her non-profit organization.

However, she is recently experiencing an onslaught of “feelings” regarding what happened to her and is perhaps dealing with it on an emotional level for the first time in the few months since it happened. Her counselor is really proud of her progress but of we all continue to be worried about her and how this will effect her as time goes on.

 

[riabia]

Princess_Abby:

So, I spoke to my aunt and cousin tonight, on the phone (on three-way).

This is great! It sounds like the reality of the situation is really starting to sink in for your cousin and aunt. It is so important that everyone is upfront right now about everything, so that if you do adopt the babies, these things will not rear their ugly head down the road.

Above all, I believe that you should follow your gut instict through all of this, and make sure that you feel peace about whatever decision you make. My mom always tells me that if I have a strong gut feeling about a situation, even if it is not alway the most logical decision, that if I should follow my gut. I have always felt peace after making one of these decisions, and I truly feel that it was the Holy Spirit guiding me in spite of my own logic.

If it is truly meant to be, then pieces will kind of fall into place- maybe not without a kink or two- but you will look back, and say, Wow, the Holy Spirit truly was involved!

Just my :twocents:

I pray that everything works out well!

 

[riabia]

Something else I thought of- Are you and your husband ready for this? From reading your previous posts, I would venture to say yes, but I thought I should voice it.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Something I have not heard mentioned: if you do this, you need to be ready for twins. They are a special blessing, a whole new ballgame. For instance, you can expect to need “a body per baby” for at least the first 12 weeks. No less than two adults, essentially 24/7–especially in the first month. After the first year, when they become mobile, a whole new set of challenges arise.

I don’t know what they have there, but we have a MOMs club locally (Moms & Dads of Multiples) that does charitable support for parents who are not financially ready for twins, as well as finding deals for the membership at large for diapers, formula, furniture, and so on. We have outings, parents-night-out events, resale events (where you can buy “paired” clothing and baby items at garage-sale prices), and monthly meetings for speakers, socializing, and problem-solving. We also do meals-for-new-parents, new mom brunches, and all sorts of other things. (Check out www.fullhousemoms.com)

At least two of our local hospitals also have birth and pregnancy classes specifically aimed at multiple births… by definition, multiple pregnancies are high risk, and far more likely to include prematurity, bedrest, health problems, and so on. If you decide to do this, by all means try to find a class like this for your cousin, and go with her.

I am a mother of twins. They have a special bond with each other and with their dad and me. I cannot tell you how wonderful it has been. But you need to be ready not just for “are they yours?” but “double trouble!” and “boy, you have *your *hands full!” Your local parents-of-multiples club would be a Godsend.

The rate of marital breakdown and child abuse, both of the twins and other siblings, is higher in families with multiples than singleton-only families. I don’t know of a mom who spends her days with young multiples who hasn’t had to lock herself in the bathroom for a good cry. It is very hard in the first two or three years. Exhausting. (I remember joking when our twins were 2-3 months old that if the Moonies were to kidnap me for a brain-washing weekend, I might finally get a little sleep!) We all would do it all over again, but none of us would do it without help, and most of us would get more help than we asked for the first time around.

If you feel that you are not ready or called to do this, by the way, your local parents-of-multiples club may also be a source of a pair of Catholic parents who were all set to have twins and then lost one or both shortly before or after birth. Your cousin might inquire there and find that she is the particular blessing prayed for by some mom and dad who are totally ready to be there for her.

Blessings on your and your cousin for taking what started as a horrendous criminal violation and welcoming it as an opportunity for life and love. This is what our faith is all about.

 

[Princess_Abby]

BLB and Riabia,

Thank you for asking that question! Thanks especially, BLB, for all the insight into the wonderful world of twins…

I have to admit that I’ve always thought about the joy of having twins. When I was a little girl, I prayed that I would marry the son of an identical twin–so that it would skip a generation and he and I would have twins. (Of course, I later found out that twins run through the mother’s side, so those childhood prayers might have been a tad wasted.) I have prayed for twins, though, almost on a continual basis since age 9. My husband actually reminded me of that when we were first approached about this. He also reminded me many months ago, when we were thinking about fertility treatments, that clomid can induce double ovulation, etc and we might just end up with twins that way, too. He’s a cutie. Regardless, I have a good friend with year-old twins and I’ve seen the work (and joy) that goes into it.

Anyway, at this point I am not sure we’re ready for this, but I do know that it is not an impossible task. My husband and I sat down after I posted last night and talked about the financial aspect and how to prepare if we go through this. We are fortunate that he makes an excellent income and that for the next year, it will actually be nearly doubled doing some consulting work for his old company while working full-time at his new position. However, that also raises the question of his availability. He works 40 hours or so, commutes 5, and allocates 10 hours for the consulting at his old company. He can do more or less of that as he wishes, up to 20 hours. So that is a potential for more money if we needed it, but not something we anticipate doing at all. He would want to be as involved with the babies as possible, so he would like to keep his extra work hours between 5-10, which seems very reasonable to me (given that he gets up early on Saturday mornings and Sunday mornings and gets it done before I’m even awake).

We would have the funds to hire a nanny if we needed to do so. I’m not crazy about doing that, but having a good friend in NYC with twins, I see how necessary it can be in the early weeks or months. My mother is also a stay at home wife, and while she does care for my neice quite a bit of the time, she has always said she would be ready and available to help whenever my husband and I adopt and/or have a baby ourselves.

In terms of baby supplies, we have the means in which to go out and buy what we would require. Yesterday I made a list of “baby items,” checked out their costs on various websites and doubled it. I am also the deal queen and I know I would be able to shop sales, etc. Also, the babies appear to both be girls, and my neice has literally trunks full of her baby and now toddler clothing. So, while we wouldn’t have lots of paired clothing, that would be the sort of thing we would buy, but use Ella’s other things as backups.

We would also probably get a membership to Sam’s Club to buy diapers in bulk, formula, etc.

However, we also need to buy a different, safer second car and we do not want to tap into the savings we have for a down payment (which is feasible), but I also know that there are always unforseen other expenses that come along with babies or anything else.

There are also lawyer fees, which we estimate as being at least a few thousand dollars given all that we would want drawn up, and I’m not sure if my cousin will expect us to pay her for her time off when she has to go on bedrest at some point. I doubt that she would ask us to do that, but I know it seems to be a regular occurrence for most birthmoms once they have adoptive parents in mind.

There are also the potential medical expenses that might come from treating babies with HIV (if they develop HIV) that may or may not be covered under insurance. I have a friend at Pfizer and he says there are a lot of experimental therapies out there but that some of them are simply not covered, though they are reccommended at times. But we would cross that bridge when or if we came to it.

My husband is very practical and so he likes to approach things from a feasibility standpoint and then discuss the emotional side of things, which he is still not on board about. Neither of us are convinced my cousin truly understands the idea of giving the babies away, and he hesitates to go forward unless he feels more assured of this…

 

[riabia]

Princess_Abby:

I have to admit that I’ve always thought about the joy of having twins. When I was a little girl, I prayed that I would marry the son of an identical twin–so that it would skip a generation and he and I would have twins. (Of course, I later found out that twins run through the mother’s side, so those childhood prayers might have been a tad wasted.) I have prayed for twins, though, almost on a continual basis since age 9. My husband actually reminded me of that when we were first approached about this. He also reminded me many months ago, when we were thinking about fertility treatments, that clomid can induce double ovulation, etc and we might just end up with twins that way, too. He’s a cutie. Regardless, I have a good friend with year-old twins and I’ve seen the work (and joy) that goes into it.

lol- be careful what you wish for, it just might come true:bigyikes:

I have also always had this same desire for twins -Why? - I don’t know. But my husband is a twin, and there are multiple sets of twins in my mother’s family.

 

[riabia]

Princess_Abby:

So, while we wouldn’t have lots of paired clothing, that would be the sort of thing we would buy, but use Ella’s other things as backups.

My husband is a twin, and he absolutely hated it when his parents dressed him and his brother the same.

It drives him nuts when I buy clothes for our daughter and niece (who lives with us about 2/3 of the time) that are the same, or dress them in something even remotely similar- but the girls love it!

There is a family in my parish with 3 sets of multiples- the oldest are triplets, then the have a singleton, and then two sets of twins. The triplets are 9 years old, and the younger set of twins are about a month old. I know that after the first set of twins, they had a nanny/ housekeeper for a while, and I think that they are doing the same thing this time.

Sometimes they will come to church with all of the girls wearing matching dresses, and all the boys wearing matching clothes. I think it is cute, and my husband thinks it is stupid.

To each his own, I guess

 

[Princess_Abby]

riabia:

My husband is a twin, and he absolutely hated it when his parents dressed him and his brother the same.

It drives him nuts when I buy clothes for our daughter and niece (who lives with us about 2/3 of the time) that are the same, or dress them in something even remotely similar- but the girls love it!

There is a family in my parish with 3 sets of multiples- the oldest are triplets, then the have a singleton, and then two sets of twins. The triplets are 9 years old, and the younger set of twins are about a month old. I know that after the first set of twins, they had a nanny/ housekeeper for a while, and I think that they are doing the same thing this time.

Sometimes they will come to church with all of the girls wearing matching dresses, and all the boys wearing matching clothes. I think it is cute, and my husband thinks it is stupid.

To each his own, I guess

3 sets of twins! Wow. I agree, I think it’s very cute when young twins dress alike, at least some of the time–even if they are similar outfits but different colors.

My paternal grandmother’s mother was an identical twin, so given that my aunt is on that side and my cousin is therefore on that side, there is at least a possibility that her girls could be identical, too. We’ll see!

 

[Ray_Scheel]

A gut feeling I get about your cousin’s state of mind, that you seem to be picking up on too, is that she’s really not capable of making that decision right now but can’t work on what she needs to without having an option to care for her children in place if she does finally become convinced she’s not going to be able to handle raising them. Right now she’s overwhelmed in general, and this is a big load staring at her that she knows she can’t handle the way she is now, but also knows she has an obligation to do something to take care of them after they are born if she’s not going to raise them.

If you and your DH can handle it, you could agree to take them but give her (perhaps insist) that she not commit one way or the other until October-ish, so she can focus on her personal healing and stall the big decision until she’s had a chance to stablize some, while stilll giving you time to prepare if you need.

You might also want to request a private meeting / phone calls with her counselor to talk specifically about which direction her counslor thinks your cousin is leaning so you can keep yourslef emotionally prepared and/or even suggestions on how the timeline should be set up.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Ray_Scheel:

A gut feeling I get about your cousin’s state of mind, that you seem to be picking up on too, is that she’s really not capable of making that decision right now but can’t work on what she needs to without having an option to care for her children in place if she does finally become convinced she’s not going to be able to handle raising them. Right now she’s overwhelmed in general, and this is a big load staring at her that she knows she can’t handle the way she is now, but also knows she has an obligation to do something to take care of them after they are born if she’s not going to raise them.

If you and your DH can handle it, you could agree to take them but give her (perhaps insist) that she not commit one way or the other until October-ish, so she can focus on her personal healing and stall the big decision until she’s had a chance to stablize some, while stilll giving you time to prepare if you need.

You might also want to request a private meeting / phone calls with her counselor to talk specifically about which direction her counslor thinks your cousin is leaning so you can keep yourslef emotionally prepared and/or even suggestions on how the timeline should be set up.

Excellent suggestions and a lot for me to think about! Thanks, Ray.

 

[LSK]

You and your family sound like you are full of love and compassion. I am going to say a rosary for all of you today. I just know that you will make the right decision.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Princess_Abby:

BLB and Riabia,

Thank you for asking that question! Thanks especially, BLB, for all the insight into the wonderful world of twins…

…I have prayed for twins, though, almost on a continual basis since age 9. My husband actually reminded me of that when we were first approached about this. … Anyway, at this point I am not sure we’re ready for this, but I do know that it is not an impossible task.

You sound like it would fit you like a shoe. Of course you’re not ready, but in the sense that few of us ever are for parenting either multiples or singletons.

Most of the moms I know had help from family, friends, or a doula for the hours their husbands were at work for about the first three months, with extra practical help for the first month or so. After that, they often go over to caring for the twins with just their husbands, but get help in the form of a housecleaner or one of those chefs that fill your freezer for you, or maybe an after-school teen around dinner time.

Our boys are identical, and they like dressing alike some of the time, but honestly I used most of their “identical” outfits for a change when they slopped up the first set. If you take them somewhere and someone feels comfortable calling them by name because they have the outfits attached to the names, it is just easier if you don’t totally change clothes mid-stream. If clothes are an issue, the kids will let you know.

Good luck to you. Having twins is always a bit perilous. Every year we have two or three parents who lose one or both of their twins. If this doesn’t work out, with the hopes you have always had, you will have some of that same grieving to go through, even now. I guess I’d list the pros and cons with your husband and then ask yourself: which option is most likely to haunt you when you ask “What if we had…” I’m guessing that the answer is “If we don’t”, but only you know that, and only the answer in your hearts is going to be the right one. Pray, then act, and pray again, and trust God to take care of the rest. Whatever difficulty or loss He sends, He’ll give you the grace to live through it.

 

[ProudArmyWife]

Ray_Scheel:

A gut feeling I get about your cousin’s state of mind, that you seem to be picking up on too, is that she’s really not capable of making that decision right now but can’t work on what she needs to without having an option to care for her children in place if she does finally become convinced she’s not going to be able to handle raising them. Right now she’s overwhelmed in general, and this is a big load staring at her that she knows she can’t handle the way she is now, but also knows she has an obligation to do something to take care of them after they are born if she’s not going to raise them.

If you and your DH can handle it, you could agree to take them but give her (perhaps insist) that she not commit one way or the other until October-ish, so she can focus on her personal healing and stall the big decision until she’s had a chance to stablize some, while stilll giving you time to prepare if you need.

You might also want to request a private meeting / phone calls with her counselor to talk specifically about which direction her counslor thinks your cousin is leaning so you can keep yourslef emotionally prepared and/or even suggestions on how the timeline should be set up.

I also agree with Ray. However this may be tricky due to confidentiality.

You may also want to try a joint counseling session. To also assist in this, perhaps you and your hubby would also like to take up some sessions with the same counselor prior to this joint session. This could aide the counselor in targeting the directions she/he needs to go to with the joint session.

What ever the decision is, this child will surely be blessed with such caring relatives.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I just got back from discussing all of this with my parents.

They were very warm and supportive and cleared up a few of my misconceptions about what I anticipated as a possible reaction from them. They are delighted we feel comfortable considering this as an option to begin our family.

However, I am feeling very overwhelmed about this at the moment and I feel pressured to make a decision. I don’t know if I am putting that pressure upon myself or if it is coming directly from my cousin and/or aunt. I asked my cousin today what she would do if we decided against going forward, and she started crying and and practically begging me not to say that. She went home from work because she was so upset.

I know enough to not be swayed by others actions/reactions, but of course I don’t want to add more stress to her when everything is difficult enough. But as all of you keep saying, and as my parents said, if it is right, I should “feel” it to be right. I just can’t shake my foreboding that as perfect as I really WANT this to be, it is not perfect and I am truly very afraid of getting my heart trampled on while she attempts to make a decision I don’t think she’s ready to make. My husband is worried that if we commit to this, then just before delivery time it will really sink in to her that the babies are going to be OURS, and then we might see her change her mind at the last minute. And at that point, we will have bought the new car, all the new baby supplies, spent the money on lawyers’ fees, written up the contracts, reimbursed my cousin for time lost at work, hired the nanny and possibly a housekeeper, etc. It’s not even the material loss that bothers us the most, it’s the emotional devastation it would cause and possibly the family rift. Though it wouldn’t last forever, I think it would be hard for anyone not to feel disappointment and grief at losing what we thought would be our family.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking, and my dad (the attorney) especially was like: you need to hire a lawyer, you need to get your homestudy done, you need to contact this counselor and get some expert advice from her, etc.

 

[Shiann]

Princess_Abby:

I just got back from discussing all of this with my parents.

They were very warm and supportive and cleared up a few of my misconceptions about what I anticipated as a possible reaction from them. They are delighted we feel comfortable considering this as an option to begin our family.

However, I am feeling very overwhelmed about this at the moment and I feel pressured to make a decision. I don’t know if I am putting that pressure upon myself or if it is coming directly from my cousin and/or aunt. I asked my cousin today what she would do if we decided against going forward, and she started crying and and practically begging me not to say that. She went home from work because she was so upset.

I know enough to not be swayed by others actions/reactions, but of course I don’t want to add more stress to her when everything is difficult enough. But as all of you keep saying, and as my parents said, if it is right, I should “feel” it to be right. I just can’t shake my foreboding that as perfect as I really WANT this to be, it is not perfect and I am truly very afraid of getting my heart trampled on while she attempts to make a decision I don’t think she’s ready to make. My husband is worried that if we commit to this, then just before delivery time it will really sink in to her that the babies are going to be OURS, and then we might see her change her mind at the last minute. And at that point, we will have bought the new car, all the new baby supplies, spent the money on lawyers’ fees, written up the contracts, reimbursed my cousin for time lost at work, hired the nanny and possibly a housekeeper, etc. It’s not even the material loss that bothers us the most, it’s the emotional devastation it would cause and possibly the family rift. Though it wouldn’t last forever, I think it would be hard for anyone not to feel disappointment and grief at losing what we thought would be our family.

Meanwhile, the clock is ticking, and my dad (the attorney) especially was like: you need to hire a lawyer, you need to get your homestudy done, you need to contact this counselor and get some expert advice from her, etc.

This really isn’t specifically geared toward the actual dilema you are in, it is more of a “broad” piece of advice that works for me in nearly all scenerios I face- big & small.

It sounds like you are approaching this with a level head (as you do online ) a clear conscience and an open heart. I think this is the VERY best way to be open to God’s plan in our life. If we close any of these, we do ourselves and God a disservice.

Oh Abby, I can just feel for you now. I’m sure you and your husband want a family- and would love these babies with all your heart. But I can tell your level head is keeping your eyes open to all eventualities, and you can see this is certainly not going to be easy.

I have found that as I move through life, through the
“God I don’t know what to do!” and
“God please show me the way.” and
“God what is your plan for me?”
That the closer I get to the answers to these questions the more “everything” seems to fit into place.

As someone who seems to be open to God’s plan in their life, I hope you know what I mean here. When we finally do accept “whatever will happen”, we find little things that tend to reinforce our decision. Or on the other hand maybe we want something so desprately and things just aren’t working out while we try to force the issue and get what we want.

Truly, the older I get the more I realize the beautiful irony that is God’s plan. That the very answer to our prayer is something we could have never imagined for ourselves, and is probably something that has been before us the whole while.

Now I certainly cannot presume to know or to even advise you on this very complex and sensitive situation, but I do know that God IS showing you the way in his subtle and compassionate way. Just keep your heart open to those little nudges and tugs- and you WILL find your way.

And for the record, I cannot imagine a more qualified set of parents for these two babies in this complicated and grim situation than you and your husband.

You will do the right thing.

And I will pray for you.

Lord God, King of heaven and earth,
I am facing a difficult decision in my life
and I do not know what road to take.
You have given me the awesome power to choose freely
as well as the intelligence to choose wisely.
Inspire me to make the right decision
no matter what it may be.

Let me carefully weigh the reasons on all sides
from a human point of view
and then rely on Your grace for Divine help.
When the decision has been reached,
let me not look back,
in the firm knowledge that I have done my part
and have made a right decision in Your eyes.

 

[YinYangMom]

Princess_Abby:

I just can’t shake how uncomfortable I am about it.

Trust your instincts and those of your husband’s on this.

Your cousin is only 20. By her mid 30s she may want the children back and may even fight you for them.

I think your husband described it best…she’s seeking the best situation for her.

She has two choices:

1. keep the babies and raise them herself (with help from those around her - perhaps you and your husband in an assistive or godparent role)
2. put the babies up for adoption with a family no one knows. This way she has to face the reality of letting those babies go forever.

If you adopt you’re prolonging her anguish and confusion, she really does need to move on to heal…either as a mom or not. In between isn’t going to help.

However, I would add, that if you do adopt it would not be wise to expect your cousin to be able to meet yours and your husband’s expectations of the boundaries over time. You and your cousin are too close. It’s still possible, however, with open minds and hearts to raise the kids together…without the lines so neat and tidily drawn. I do believe if it is God’s will you’ll find the way to make it work.

But that’s just my opinion.

 

[Princess_Abby]

YinYangMom:

Trust your instincts and those of your husband’s on this.

Your cousin is only 20. By her mid 30s she may want the children back and may even fight you for them.

I think your husband described it best…she’s seeking the best situation for her.

She has two choices:

1. keep the babies and raise them herself (with help from those around her - perhaps you and your husband in an assistive or godparent role)
2. put the babies up for adoption with a family no one knows. This way she has to face the reality of letting those babies go forever.

If you adopt you’re prolonging her anguish and confusion, she really does need to move on to heal…either as a mom or not. In between isn’t going to help.

However, I would add, that if you do adopt it would not be wise to expect your cousin to be able to meet yours and your husband’s expectations of the boundaries over time. You and your cousin are too close. It’s still possible, however, with open minds and hearts to raise the kids together…without the lines so neat and tidily drawn. I do believe if it is God’s will you’ll find the way to make it work.

But that’s just my opinion.

She’s 26. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Shiann:

This really isn’t specifically geared toward the actual dilema you are in, it is more of a “broad” piece of advice that works for me in nearly all scenerios I face- big & small.

It sounds like you are approaching this with a level head (as you do online ) a clear conscience and an open heart. I think this is the VERY best way to be open to God’s plan in our life. If we close any of these, we do ourselves and God a disservice.

Oh Abby, I can just feel for you now. I’m sure you and your husband want a family- and would love these babies with all your heart. But I can tell your level head is keeping your eyes open to all eventualities, and you can see this is certainly not going to be easy.

I have found that as I move through life, through the
“God I don’t know what to do!” and
“God please show me the way.” and
“God what is your plan for me?”
That the closer I get to the answers to these questions the more “everything” seems to fit into place.

As someone who seems to be open to God’s plan in their life, I hope you know what I mean here. When we finally do accept “whatever will happen”, we find little things that tend to reinforce our decision. Or on the other hand maybe we want something so desprately and things just aren’t working out while we try to force the issue and get what we want.

Truly, the older I get the more I realize the beautiful irony that is God’s plan. That the very answer to our prayer is something we could have never imagined for ourselves, and is probably something that has been before us the whole while.

Now I certainly cannot presume to know or to even advise you on this very complex and sensitive situation, but I do know that God IS showing you the way in his subtle and compassionate way. Just keep your heart open to those little nudges and tugs- and you WILL find your way.

And for the record, I cannot imagine a more qualified set of parents for these two babies in this complicated and grim situation than you and your husband.

You will do the right thing.

And I will pray for you.Lord God, King of heaven and earth,
I am facing a difficult decision in my life
and I do not know what road to take.
You have given me the awesome power to choose freely
as well as the intelligence to choose wisely.
Inspire me to make the right decision
no matter what it may be.

Let me carefully weigh the reasons on all sides
from a human point of view
and then rely on Your grace for Divine help.
When the decision has been reached,
let me not look back,
in the firm knowledge that I have done my part
and have made a right decision in Your eyes.

THank you sooooooooo much for the insight, kind words and especially the prayers.