Adopting Twins From Family Member

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Princess_Abby:
She’s 26. 🙂 Thank you for your thoughts.
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Oh, sorry about that. I forgot and didn’t go back to check the details.

You have a wise father. Always good to have all the legalities taken care of or ready to go while you await the discernment of what you’re going to do. It may make a difference on whether or not your cousin can go through with signing the documents.

If she doesn’t want to keep the twins herself then she’s going to have to sign that line one way or another, no? If she can’t do it for you and your husband, she won’t be able to do it for a stranger so it might be good for her to see know just what the legalities would be - to make it more real for her.

Catching up on the posts…wow…all I can say is God is truly watching over all of you. There’s no way you can make a wrong decision here. It seems like He has his hand in this almost every step of the way. I’m especially encouraged by the progress you cousin is making emotionally with her therapist.

I will certainly keep you all in my prayers…particularly your father and his family as I think they are going to have a harder time of adjusting should you decide to adopt the twins. It will force them to face a few issues they’ve tucked away for a while, but it will also show them these cases don’t always end up bad.
 
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YinYangMom:
Oh, sorry about that. I forgot and didn’t go back to check the details.

You have a wise father. Always good to have all the legalities taken care of or ready to go while you await the discernment of what you’re going to do. It may make a difference on whether or not your cousin can go through with signing the documents.

If she doesn’t want to keep the twins herself then she’s going to have to sign that line one way or another, no? If she can’t do it for you and your husband, she won’t be able to do it for a stranger so it might be good for her to see know just what the legalities would be - to make it more real for her.

Catching up on the posts…wow…all I can say is God is truly watching over all of you. There’s no way you can make a wrong decision here. It seems like He has his hand in this almost every step of the way. I’m especially encouraged by the progress you cousin is making emotionally with her therapist.

I will certainly keep you all in my prayers…particularly your father and his family as I think they are going to have a harder time of adjusting should you decide to adopt the twins. It will force them to face a few issues they’ve tucked away for a while, but it will also show them these cases don’t always end up bad.
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When I spoke to my parents today, much of the discussion was about that. Though we have all always “known” about this mysterious adopted cousin, we did not know the details and it was not really talked about other then a few discussions with my father and a couple of his sisters when I was younger. So, I asked him for the details and he provided them.

The cousin was actually my father’s cousin–meaning, my second cousin. One of my grandfather’s nine siblings adopted a child who was the product of a friend’s rape. This child apparently raped his girlfriend at age 15, according to the girlfriend’s parents, and the child was distraught enough to commit suicide–either because he did it, or because he was accused of it, the family doesn’t know. This all apparently transpired in a matter of 48 hours, and no one really knows what happened for sure. My father grew up seeing the fall-out among his aunts and uncles over the trauma of the event, and he admits it has shadowed everyone’s perception. But, he was quick to say that this experience certainly will not color how he views accepting either grandnieces or granddaughters into the world.

Dad also went onto say that my grandfather grew up during the Depression, along with his siblings, and that they were all very tough and somewhat no-nonsense and a little cut and dry in their parenting ways once they grew up and had their own children. He hinted that whichever sibling adopted this cousin of his was not the most compassionate person on earth and possibly the child could have been terrified of the reaction to what he was being accused of. He made it very clear that given my professional background and what he knows to be true about my husband and I, and how we would raise children–adopted or not, that he trusts our nurturing instincts very much and has no doubt about our children receiving the proper love and support that any child would need–but that an adopted child would ESPECIALLY need. He also reassured me that he considers any child to be precious and innocent in the eyes of God, regardless of their circumstances at conception.

SO, that took a major weight off my shoulders. I apologized to him for having such a misconception. He reminded me that our discussions have always been theoretical, and that plenty of people are on the “nature” side of the debate–that he didn’t intend to personalize it so much and certainly never intended to discourage me from adoption. Yay.

He is concerned about the dynamics of my aunt and cousin, as is my husband, and as I’ve said a million times, so am I.
 
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Princess_Abby:
But as all of you keep saying, and as my parents said, if it is right, I should “feel” it to be right. I just can’t shake my foreboding that as perfect as I really WANT this to be, it is not perfect and I am truly very afraid of getting my heart trampled on while she attempts to make a decision I don’t think she’s ready to make. My husband is worried that if we commit to this, then just before delivery time it will really sink in to her that the babies are going to be OURS, and then we might see her change her mind at the last minute. And at that point, we will have bought the new car, all the new baby supplies, spent the money on lawyers’ fees, written up the contracts, reimbursed my cousin for time lost at work, hired the nanny and possibly a housekeeper, etc. It’s not even the material loss that bothers us the most, it’s the emotional devastation it would cause and possibly the family rift. Though it wouldn’t last forever, I think it would be hard for anyone not to feel disappointment and grief at losing what we thought would be our family.
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Do not be afraid that it isn’t perfect. Just remember that it isn’t perfect. “Perfect” is usually a misnomer, anyway, a way of speaking of those times when God does things our way.

You are facing the possibility of a terrific grief, but as the song goes “you must give yourself to love, if love is what you’re after”. In a way, you are already pregnant with this possibility, with no guarantees. Hang in there. Be not afraid. This is miserable hard, but you are doing okay. You are being faithful, and you will not be abandoned, even if you do not find yourself bouncing a child on each knee. Father Abraham would tell you: faith isn’t about things working out or not working out as you’d planned.

I have an idea for you. Find yourself a quiet time and a quiet place. Pray the Memorare. Then go to the Gospel of Luke, and pray over the account of the Annunciation. Our Blessed Mother was hardly more than a girl when God dropped what was quite a bombshell in her lap. Then settle in with Our Lady, and just let her hold you in her arms and pray with you for a good long time. You do not have to say anything to her, except to ask her to let you go through this as she would have. She has had that sword of grief to contend with. She’ll know what to do for you, and she was given to you as your Mother for times just like this. You can leave all the praying up to her. I think you will get an answer, even if it is “Just wait, the answer will come, you can do this.” I think if you do that, the day will come that, come what may, you will know you hear grace, not fear, talking to you in your heart, and you will be able to follow where grace calls you.

God bless you and keep you, Abby. May He send you the Holy Spirit in abundance to carry you through this time.
 
very interesting discussion, but going back to the original post, my reaction is “what a wonderful family, that their response to this crisis is family unity, concern for the unborn children, even the mother as much as she is suffering, putting the welfare of the babies first, and the family together exploring solutions with such a remarkable willingness to do whatever is right and necessary.”
 
BLB,

You are so comforting. Thank you for your thoughts and suggestion.

🙂
 
So, Abby- now that you are pregnant, I am guessing that puts a whole new spin on the adoption situation?!?! How is your cousin taking this?
 
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riabia:
So, Abby- now that you are pregnant, I am guessing that puts a whole new spin on the adoption situation?!?! How is your cousin taking this?
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Not very well.

The night before I found out about the pregnancy, I again broached the subject of what she would do if we didn’t go forward, and she flipped out further. I was having a lot of gut feelings about this situation not being right for us. I just wanted to keep the discussion balanced in her mind and help her understand that we were not feeling confident about moving forward yet. Following our discussion, something occurred which further convinced us that getting involved with the twins was not going to be a safe idea. BEFORE I had any idea about our baby.

Anyway, she is not very happy and I think is very disappointed.

Next week, Labor Day weekend, is our family reunion on that side. I’m not sure how that will all go.

We have slightly entertained the idea of having our baby and adopting the twins, too. But I do not feel pulled in that direction and I think three babies at once is more than we can handle, especially with the boundary issues, etc.

It’s just very interesting to me how God’s hand has been in all of this and His timing is impeccable! 🙂
 
Maybe this is God’s answer. Your gut was holding you back, and now with the baby coming, God’s answer is probably no. I think that your cousin needs to deal with her ambivalence about adopting. Does she want to keep them, but afraid she may not be able to handle it? Has she prayed about it?
 
Momofone:
Maybe this is God’s answer. Your gut was holding you back, and now with the baby coming, God’s answer is probably no. I think that your cousin needs to deal with her ambivalence about adopting. Does she want to keep them, but afraid she may not be able to handle it? Has she prayed about it?
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She wanted to keep them until her “burgeoning belly,” so to speak, started reminding her of the assault and giving her flashbacks.

Using that as her jumpstart motivation–not wanting the twins to remind her of the assault each and every day of the rest of her life–she started thinking about more practical matters and spiritual concerns. She loves my husband and knows he will be an excellent father. She knows that we have a very loving marriage and will nurture any children in the Catholic faith. She knows that we have a good income and can afford to raise a family. I think she started realizing that her children deserve two parents, they deserve a strong household of faith, they deserve stability, etc. She became worried about her ability to provide those things when she is still working through her issues around the assault.

Yes, she’s prayed about and thought we were the answer God wanted to give her.

But, all is not lost and when she is calmer and less angry and disappointed, I will speak with her about some of BLB’s suggestions…going through a multipes group to find maybe a Catholic family willing and able to adopt twins, and/or going through Catholic Charities, if adoption is truly the way she wants to go.
 
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Princess_Abby:
Not very well.

The night before I found out about the pregnancy, I again broached the subject of what she would do if we didn’t go forward, and she flipped out further. I was having a lot of gut feelings about this situation not being right for us. I just wanted to keep the discussion balanced in her mind and help her understand that we were not feeling confident about moving forward yet. Following our discussion, something occurred which further convinced us that getting involved with the twins was not going to be a safe idea. BEFORE I had any idea about our baby.

Anyway, she is not very happy and I think is very disappointed.

Next week, Labor Day weekend, is our family reunion on that side. I’m not sure how that will all go.

We have slightly entertained the idea of having our baby and adopting the twins, too. But I do not feel pulled in that direction and I think three babies at once is more than we can handle, especially with the boundary issues, etc.

It’s just very interesting to me how God’s hand has been in all of this and His timing is impeccable! 🙂
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God does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t he?🙂

I have 2 kids, and I can’t imagine trying to take care of newborn twins during those last few months of pregnancy!

Do you think that your cousin will decide to keep the babies, or will she still give them up for adoption? Is her main concern her ability to see/ keep in contact with the babies, or that the babies are raised in a loving, faithful Catholic family?

I don’t know why, Abby, but for some reason you and your family situation with these babies have been in my thoughts/ prayers lately.👋
 
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riabia:
God does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t he?🙂

I have 2 kids, and I can’t imagine trying to take care of newborn twins during those last few months of pregnancy!

Do you think that your cousin will decide to keep the babies, or will she still give them up for adoption? Is her main concern her ability to see/ keep in contact with the babies, or that the babies are raised in a loving, faithful Catholic family?

I don’t know why, Abby, but for some reason you and your family situation with these babies have been in my thoughts/ prayers lately.👋
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Honestly, I think both the concerns you mentioned are of equal weight in her mind.

Thank you SO much for the thoughts and ESPECIALLY for the prayers! We want a healthy baby in seven months very badly! 🙂 And we also want my cousins’ babies to find the home in which they belong, and for my cousin to have peace.
 
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Princess_Abby:
Thank you Riabia. I completely agree with you. Unfortunately I’m not feeling like SHE is grasping that the babies would really be ours and no longer her’s. We’ve discussed that I would be Mommy and she would stay “Cousin so-and-so” but she does want to be involved in “telling them” about the circumstances of their birth at some point. (The babies will be bi-racial, so the adoption part will at least be obvious from the beginning–just not the cirumstances.) I do not like the idea of anyone outside of my husband or I deciding when, how and how much to tell them.
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Abby, my wife & I will pray for you.

You should be aware that whateve she agrees to now you won’t necessarily be able to hold her to later on – or if you try to it may get very ugly. I’m not saying that to be discouraging, just matter-of-fact.

OTOH, kids are flexible enough to handle having a real Mom (you) and a birthmom whom they only see occasionally, even if they know that’s what she is.

My wife and I adopted her grandson (my stepdaughter’s son) because she was too mentally/emotionally unstable to care for him. She has been in & out of his life, which did cause some problems but eventually he figured out that even though she was more fun to be with (she’d take him out for treats, &c.) she wasn’t “a real mommy.”

It doens’t sound like you’d have to worry about that sort of thing from your cousin.

I hope everything works out for the best for all of you, especially the twins.
 
I am glad to hear how God has worked in your life. I pray everything goes smoothly with your pregnancy! You have so many beautiful moments to experience!

My husband and I hope to adopt in a few years, when our youngest is around five years old. I have always wanted twins too. While reading this thread I couldn’t help thinking “oh I wish I could adopt them.”🙂
I hope everything goes well with your cousin. She is giving those babies such a gift, and she may very well give a loving Catholic couple, or family, the gift of a lifetime, two children to love and welcome into their family.

God Bless you today!
 
Abby:

Maybe your own pregnancy is a sign from God that your cousin should keep her babies.

Just because a woman is raped, does not mean that the child that results is less of a person.

There are local Crisis Pregnancy Centers that can help your cousin with diapers, parenting classes, etc.

I know that if I was raped, I would definitely keep the baby(or babies). The child would still be mine, no matter how he or she was conceived.

Just my own thoughts.
 
I’m still praying for you and your family. Congratulations on the conception of your first child! How awesome, another imortal soul, and you were part of creating him or her!

Do you think there is any chance your cousin will/can keep her babies? I know that if she does feel called to keep them, that God will provide. It is amazing how He shows us His power so clearly when we are utterly weak and helpless.

God bless you, your family and the unborn children. I’m praying for the intercession of Mary, all the saints and St. Michael for all of you.
 
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