Adoption

[Tide210]

Ours, and I think most that were adopted from agencies at least, were not picked. We were presented the child and told - This is your baby - Just like they do in the maternity ward.

With our second one we brought the two year old along. The lady at the maternity home brought the baby in and presented her to the two year old. Her response - “Don’t want it.” We had to explain that that was her response to everything at the time.

Regardless of how you adopted your child, you still chose to adopt it; so no matter the circumstance, you still picked that child and God somehow led you to it.

 

[rayne89]

I don’t know anyone (apart from you) who is not interested in their origins.

For all of the children of the adoptive parents they tried to find out about their biological parents because they wanted to know their origins and why they had been put up for adoption.

Well I’m an adopted child and I really do not have an interest in knowing my origins. I wouldn’t say I, 100% percent, have absolutely no interest what-so-ever but it is very minimal. Certainly not enough to make me search for my biological parents.

I had a friend growing up who always knew she was adopted and as adult found her biological mother -and it was very disappointing. They have nothing in common, come from completely different worlds and kind of have a weird, forced relationship now. Her bio-mother deeply regrets giving her up while my friend was very happy in her adopted family and is glad she was adopted.

While I don’t think it is wise to keep such information from a person forever -I really don’t get the “I need to know where I came from” aspect. I am a child of God, raised by two parents who love me. My parents are German and Italian and I consider that my heritage even though by my physical traits I don’t believe that is my biological heritage. My biological parents are strangers to me, I wouldn’t know them if I passed them on the street. I don’t understand the need to know total strangers that I happen to share a genetic make up with. I don’t see how “knowing my origins” would change anything about who I am.

I sometimes wonder, if because I didn’t know until I was pretty much an adult, if that made me realize that having non-biological parents was not a big deal. If I processed the whole “being adopted” thing better than a child who goes through “why was I given away?”

People do ask me all the time, when me being adopted comes up, if I want to search for my “real” parents. I tell them I know who my real parents are -they are the ones that raised me.

 

[thistle]

I did not say there was no interest.
I said the topic simply does not come up that often.
Were I content to believe that there was no interest I would not even bother to have a well prepared answer to the question.

Perhaps, but there is not enough information in your statements to conclude that not telling the child is wrong.
Perhaps these parents had not prepared in advance. Perhaps they actually lied about it and were caught. There are any number of reasons for a bad reaction.
Have you accounted for all of these in your conclusion?

**Really? All of them? Did you ask?**I know a set of parents that did not bother to tell because it just never came up.
Fear had nothing to do with it.

Do you have something to back up your claims?

Yes I asked them. How do you think I knew? I’m not a mindreader. Are you so arrogant you want me to get an affidavit from them to satisfy you!!

I’d hate to be a child of yours.

 

[Rascalking]

Really quickly (I know I’m late to the party, sorry)

I am adopted, So I have a dog in the fight.

The adopted child has every right to knows if they are adopted or not. It would be withholding the truth from them, and yes-is it sinful.

Regardless though, it’s important to remember that blood relations are irrelevant. I am my mom and dad son, and if anyone said differently to any of our faces…God help you.

 

[vz71]

Yes I asked them. How do you think I knew? I’m not a mindreader. Are you so arrogant you want me to get an affidavit from them to satisfy you!!

I’d hate to be a child of yours.

How uncharitable.
I can asure you my children love me and respect me.

But as to this mindreading…
You said quite clearly the following:

Adoptive parents who keep such information from the child are simply being selfish and this is the result of fear on their part that the child will abandon them if they know the truth.

So there is the blanket statement over all adoptive parents concerning what is or is not going on in their heart and mind.
Are you a mindreader?
How can you layclaim to such knowledge?
Were you simply laying out a false statement to bolster your own biased opinion?

 

[vz71]

Really quickly (I know I’m late to the party, sorry)

I am adopted, So I have a dog in the fight.

The adopted child has every right to knows if they are adopted or not. It would be withholding the truth from them, and yes-is it sinful.

Agreed. And if/when the question is approached the parents should have a well thought out answer for it.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

If it is never mentioned to the child. He will probably overhear it in quiet conversations at family gatherings, by those who forget that Little Pitchers have Big Ears. Children are sensitive to such things and will seldom bring up the family secrets they over hear. They have an instinct that there is something wrong, and they shouldn’t discuss it.

I know of one case where the child as a preteen saw some family medical papers and noted that her mother had had a hysterectomy a couple of years before she was born. She never brought it up, but had a very rough/troublesome time in her later teens.

 

[JaneGrey]

Not only should your tell your child that he is adopted, you should celebrate it. He is special because you hand picked him; out of all the children in the world, you chose him.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you should always rub it in his face and constantly be talking about it, that’s overkill. However, it should be ingrained in his mind that he is adopted and he should be proud of it.

 

[JaneGrey]

Agreed. And if/when the question is approached the parents should have a well thought out answer for it.

First of all if and when you do decide to adopt, God bless you as adoption is such an amazing act of selflessness and love.

Usually I would say that though I disagree strongly with you not informing a child that she/he is adopted as soon as one can, it is entirely your decision as the parent and not really my business.
However as much as the child is yours, the inconvenient fact remains that they have a biological tie to the people who conceived them and as such will share their medical history.
The child has a right to be privy to this medical history for obvious reasons.

However as Im sure you ve thought of this, what are you going to do if say by some unlikely miracle the topic of the adoption ‘never comes up’ and the child, even in adulthood, has no knowledge of what, if any, medical conditions they have a genetic predisposition to?

 

[vz71]

However as Im sure you ve thought of this, what are you going to do if say by some unlikely miracle the topic of the adoption ‘never comes up’ and the child, even in adulthood, has no knowledge of what, if any, medical conditions they have a genetic predisposition to?

I have considered it.

I do not believe in miracles of that type.
The topic will eventually come up.
I have objections to pushing the issue. When the child is ready, they will ask.

Having a well thought out and reasoned response is preparation for that.

 

[rayne89]

I have considered it.

I do not believe in miracles of that type.
The topic will eventually come up.
I have objections to pushing the issue. When the child is ready, they will ask.

Having a well thought out and reasoned response is preparation for that.

As an adopted child who only found out by accident a few weeks from my 19th birthday -the thought to ask “by the way -am I adopted?” never crossed my mind. In fact while reading the paper work I found (a letter from the priest that helped with the private Catholic adoption) it felt completely surreal to me. Not in my wildest dreams would it have occurred to my that I was adopted.
I imagine itt would come up if the adopted child is of another race or looks very different from his/her parents (for example to parents from a Mediterranean heritage -olive skin, dark eyes and hair with a red haired, fair skinned, blue eyed, freckled child).

In my case I have dark hair and dark eyes like my parents -but I am much fairer than either. My sister was taller than both my parents, fair skinned, blue eyed, blond hair and it still never occurred to me that we were not biologically related. After all my dad had a blond haired, blue eyed brother who was taller than my dad (he lived in Germany so we didn’t see him but a few times in our lives).

Truly unless the child looks remarkably different from his or her parents or there are extended family with loose lips I can’t imagine how this would come up naturally.

 

[vz71]

Truly unless the child looks remarkably different from his or her parents or there are extended family with loose lips I can’t imagine how this would come up naturally.

Of course, we are not talking about the specific “Was I adopted?”
Any question of origin is going to eventually lead in that direction.
It depends upon the child.