Adult ADHD

[ela2]

My husband has suffered with adhd since childhood and hasn’t received any kind of treatment for it. My help and prayers are not sufficient and his problem is causing a lot of problems in all other areas of our life. I’m posting here because the issue is becoming urgent because we have a child. I can brush aside if he procrastinates with housework but I cannot live with insecurity, eg. Our legal work like tax, permits, passport renewals, etc. are always pending. I would easily do it, I don’t mind. But I have a very demanding baby, no family, no help and no second car.

What to do?

 

[pensmama87]

How does he respond when you suggest that he seek treatment? Have you told him how much it is affecting you and your family life, and has he heard you?

I would say that if there are paperwork things you CAN take care of, even with your other responsibilities, to just go ahead and do it so it can be a load off your mind.

I’d also work on getting some kind of support system in place. If it can’t be family, can you ask friends to come over? How is your husband watching the baby? Can he manage that for an hour so you can buckle down and do some of the other work? I know a few adult women with ADHD, diagnosed as adults, and they are actually very, very good with kids, but struggle with a lot of the other household stuff.

You could also see about counseling for yourself to make sure you are coping well and to work on some communication strategies with your husband, even if he won’t go.

I’m sorry you are going through this, it must be very tough.

 

[on_the_hill]

I am not offering medical advice.

He ought to seek professional help. Your family doctor is a good place to start. Hopefully you have enough of a relationship with your doctor that you can talk openly with him/her.

I started taking an ADD drug a few years ago and it has turned my life around. It’s almost a miracle drug. It is necessary but not sufficient. There are many non-medicinal coping techniques. In my experience, the coping techniques don’t help if you don’t do them. The medication helps me do them. If that makes any sense.

ADD is controversial because a lot of people don’t believe it exists, or that kids are medicated as a form of unnatural behavior control. I can tell you from my own experience–I can only imagine how much different my life would’ve been if I got help at age 14 instead of age 45.

Telling someone with ADD that all he needs to do is have more self-discipline is like telling an asthmatic that all he needs to do is take deeper breaths. (I know that, because I’m both…)

 

[Usige]

First off you need to look at how medication might impact your husband. For some it is a miracle cure, but that is not always the case.

I was diagnosed with ADHD, primarily inattentive, when I was 34. I had problems with mundane tasks at work (writing reports, weekly status updates, etc) and things like paying bills were always done at the last minute. It was frustrating for both colleagues and my wife so I tried the medication route. All the sudden I could focus on writing reports, paying bills, etc. The problem? I used to be able to make leaps of intuition and see connections that other couldn’t see. My greatest value to the company was in finding things that others couldn’t see. Part of that ability was because ADHD let 5000 different thoughts to be processed in parallel. That scattered thought process helped me see possibilities and the medication too that away. I also didn’t feel like “me” when taking meds. After 35 years of thinking in that haphazard way, I felt like I was suddenly living in someone else’s skin. In the end I decided making others happy was less important than being who God made me to be, so I stopped taking medication.

For us, the solution was calendars and lists. My wife and I work together to make sure that important things are on a calendar. I try to enter things in my smart phone as soon as I know about it. I also work with my boss to help me set priorities and he helps nudge me back on track if there are deadlines approaching. One of the other things was working to develop habits for mundane things. Every Saturday morning I check bills due and then pay all of them due. Once something becomes habit it’s not something I easily forget.

So my advice is to look not just on making things easier for you or others, but to talk to him about what would work for him. Medication may or may not be the right solution for him. Also look at the impacts of medication. One of the side effects of the meds I took was a lower threshold for frustration. I had less patience and was more critical of things my wife did. I just asked her if she liked the medicated or unmedicated version and she said she’d take scatter brained over hyper critical any day. The point being that anything has the potential to have worse impacts then the issues you are trying to fix.

 

[johnnyt3000]

How do you know it is ADHD and not a spiritual/moral dilemma?

 

[UnCatholicBride]

How do you know it is ADHD and not a spiritual/moral dilemma?

A spiritual dilemma that has been ongoing since childhood?

Illness sounds like a more reasonable explanation

 

[pensmama87]

How do you know it is ADHD and not a spiritual/moral dilemma?

Could also be both.

If the OP has requested that her husband seek help and he refuses, that could be a problem with pride. Or with neglect to his duties as husband as father. That’s definitely spiritually and morally problematic, but it doesn’t rule out ADHD.

 

[EasterJoy]

Experts on ADHD, such as Edward Hallowell, don’t look at it as an illness or a dysfunction so much as the challenge of having a non-standard brain in a society that needs a certain amount of behavioral conformity in order to function. We are paradoxically in a social system that both requires focus and yet provides an unprecedented level of outside distractions. This is a tough situation for those who are easily distracted by constitution!

That doesn’t mean they don’t recommend medications to manage ADHD, but it does mean that they look at this as a matter of the person with ADHD finding strategies and support systems to come up to the necessary level of “compliance,” then turfing out as much of those things they are bad at in favor of the other ways they can contribute at their jobs and in their families more

I’d suggest the blog and writings of Edward Hallowell and his wife, Melissa Orlov. Melissa Orlov has an online blog for the spouses of those with ADHD and many libraries have their books on ADHD and marriage. Those are places to start looking into whether their way could help without an outlay of cash.

 

[on_the_hill]

Experts on ADHD, such as Edward Hallowell, don’t look at it as an illness or a dysfunction so much as the challenge of having a non-standard brain in a society that needs a certain amount of behavioral conformity in order to function.

I completely agree. Not so long ago, there were plenty of employment opportunities, careers, vocations, places in life where people could fit in. Can’t sit still and focus on book learnin’? Go out and work in the fields. Have a creative, problem-solving mind that works well with your hands? Be a blacksmith, or a weaver, or a furniture maker…

Over the past few decades, a person’s productivity and contributions (and value?) are increasingly based on how well he or she can sit in an office or cubicle and use a keyboard and screen.

 

[on_the_hill]

. The problem? I used to be able to make leaps of intuition and see connections that other couldn’t see. My greatest value to the company was in finding things that others couldn’t see. Part of that ability was because ADHD let 5000 different thoughts to be processed in parallel.

Thankfully, I can still do that. Without the pharmaceuticals, I don’t act on those thoughts, plans, etc. There’s a disconnect between thought and action. The so-called ‘executive function’ is short-circuited.

For us, the solution was calendars and lists. My wife and I work together to make sure that important things are on a calendar. I try to enter things in my smart phone as soon as I know about it. I also work with my boss to help me set priorities and he helps nudge me back on track if there are deadlines approaching. One of the other things was working to develop habits for mundane things. Every Saturday morning I check bills due and then pay all of them due. Once something becomes habit it’s not something I easily forget.

I TRY to do all those things. I have three calendars (an “official” work calendar, a “personal” work calendar; a family calendar that I access from both my cell phone and computer). Plus a paper desk calendar. I try to put everything on the calendar. BUT, I put things on the wrong days sometimes, and have a devil of a time remembering to check the calendars, and even after I do check them I usually forget whatever it was within moments. Or I THINK I put something on the calendar but didn’t.

How do you know it is ADHD and not a spiritual/moral dilemma?

In a sense, it doesn’t matter. If medications and behavior modifications help, they help. If they don’t, they don’t.

I certainly think anyone having a problem should do whatever works. Whether it’s prayer, counseling, medicating, reading self-help books, etc.

 

[on_the_hill]

By the way, there is a CAF group for ADD

 

[Usige]

Thankfully, I can still do that. Without the pharmaceuticals, I don’t act on those thoughts, plans, etc. There’s a disconnect between thought and action. The so-called ‘executive function’ is short-circuited.

The meds I took principally helped with impulse control so that I could set aside the random thoughts that would pull me off on other trains of thought. I certainly have issues with getting started on things, but that is more something I had to learn to force myself to do from a young age. Once I get going, I’m fine, though it might take longer because I end up taking a bunch of side trips.

I TRY to do all those things. I have three calendars (an “official” work calendar, a “personal” work calendar; a family calendar that I access from both my cell phone and computer). Plus a paper desk calendar. I try to put everything on the calendar. BUT, I put things on the wrong days sometimes, and have a devil of a time remembering to check the calendars, and even after I do check them I usually forget whatever it was within moments. Or I THINK I put something on the calendar but didn’t.

I’ll admit I’m not always successful at this, but I’ve gotten better about putting it in my phone while it’s happening and then repeating back what I put in for verification. Many things have become check, double check, and sometimes triple check. On occasion I just feel it’s not recorded right so I have to call to confirm.

I think the key here is we each have to find what works for us. What works for me won’t work for all other and vice-a-versa.

 

[gardenswithkids]

My husband has suffered with adhd since childhood… Our legal work like tax, permits, passport renewals, etc. are always pending. I would easily do it, I don’t very demanding baby, no family, no help and no second car.

What to do?

What you can do is think more creatively on how to resolve these issues.

Can you drive him to work, then use the car to do those activities instead of relying on your husband to take care of taxes, permits, passport renewals, etc. If it’s too hard to do that with the baby, can he take off a day to care for the baby while you run those errands? It sounds like you are depending on your husband to do things that may or may not need to be done, but these things don’t necessarily have to be your husband’s responsibility.

If taxes are not done, you both face legal consequences, and telling the IRS that you had a very demanding baby probably wouldn’t help much. Find a way to file taxes with minimal help from your husband. Hire an accountant to come to your house, or seek some tax help that’s within walking distance or near a bus stop.

As to passports, ??? Are you going somewhere out of the country so that the renewals are really needed? Permits, again ??? Are you trying to undergo something like home remodeling and out of the country trips with a fussy baby, and then getting upset with your husband. Or are you living in a place that requires you to have permits and passports as a normal part of life? I must be missing something, but your life sounds unnecessarily complicated.

 

[UbiCaritas]

What you can do is think more creatively on how to resolve these issues.

Can you drive him to work, then use the car to do those activities instead of relying on your husband to take care of taxes, permits, passport renewals, etc. If it’s too hard to do that with the baby, can he take off a day to care for the baby while you run those errands? It sounds like you are depending on your husband to do things that may or may not need to be done, but these things don’t necessarily have to be your husband’s responsibility.

If taxes are not done, you both face legal consequences, and telling the IRS that you had a very demanding baby probably wouldn’t help much. Find a way to file taxes with minimal help from your husband. Hire an accountant to come to your house, or seek some tax help that’s within walking distance or near a bus stop.

As to passports, ??? Are you going somewhere out of the country so that the renewals are really needed? Permits, again ??? Are you trying to undergo something like home remodeling and out of the country trips with a fussy baby, and then getting upset with your husband. Or are you living in a place that requires you to have permits and passports as a normal part of life? I must be missing something, but your life sounds unnecessarily complicated.

IIRC from another thread, the OP is an American living outside the country, so yes, passports are a necessity. For some reason, I think she’s in either Korea or Germany–two countries who all but require you to get a permit monthly to exchange oxygen for carbon dioxide.

OP, I have a husband who I’m quite sure has ADD or something of the sort. He also procrastinates endlessly. Fortunately, he is very detail-oriented and conscientious on financial matters, like taxes, because he’s an accountant. For the other stuff, I set a date by which it needs to be done (always a few weeks before it’s actually due), and then tell him, “Either you can deal with this paperwork, or you can watch the baby. Which do you prefer?” That way it gets done. I live in the US, but DH travels for work, and even without that there always seems to be some sort of paperwork that needs doing: a county alarm permit, filing receipts/health information, filling out insurance documentation, and so forth. These things sound minor, but they take time, and they really need me to be able to focus on the task at hand without a baby screaming for my attention.

Lastly, I don’t remember how old your baby is, but it won’t hurt him to learn that Mommy sometimes needs to spend 15 minutes dealing with this stuff. DD (15 months) used to throw a fit every time I sat down at the computer. This became utterly ridiculous, because DH would need me to scan something and email it to him at work, and it would stress me out beyond belief because just spending that five minutes on a simple project meant a long screaming fit from DD. I finally decided that DD needed to learn to entertain herself sometimes, and now take about 3-4 10-15 minute “breaks” per day in which I’ll either just relax with a cup of coffee and check my email, or get this kind of thing done, or some combination. She threw some absolutely world-class fits the first couple of days I did this, but calmed down after that, especially when she realized that a) there were some really cool baby toys sitting near her she could be playing with rather than throwing a fit, and b) that after my break, I’ll take the time to sit on the floor and play with her for 15 minutes or so.

 

[Lorelei12]

OP, I have a husband who I’m quite sure has ADD or something of the sort. He also procrastinates endlessly. Fortunately, he is very detail-oriented and conscientious on financial matters, like taxes, because he’s an accountant. For the other stuff, I set a date by which it needs to be done (always a few weeks before it’s actually due), and then tell him, “Either you can deal with this paperwork, or you can watch the baby. Which do you prefer?” That way it gets done. I live in the US, but DH travels for work, and even without that there always seems to be some sort of paperwork that needs doing: a county alarm permit, filing receipts/health information, filling out insurance documentation, and so forth. These things sound minor, but they take time, and they really need me to be able to focus on the task at hand without a baby screaming for my attention.

Lastly, I don’t remember how old your baby is, but it won’t hurt him to learn that Mommy sometimes needs to spend 15 minutes dealing with this stuff. DD (15 months) used to throw a fit every time I sat down at the computer. This became utterly ridiculous, because DH would need me to scan something and email it to him at work, and it would stress me out beyond belief because just spending that five minutes on a simple project meant a long screaming fit from DD. I finally decided that DD needed to learn to entertain herself sometimes, and now take about 3-4 10-15 minute “breaks” per day in which I’ll either just relax with a cup of coffee and check my email, or get this kind of thing done, or some combination. She threw some absolutely world-class fits the first couple of days I did this, but calmed down after that, especially when she realized that a) there were some really cool baby toys sitting near her she could be playing with rather than throwing a fit, and b) that after my break, I’ll take the time to sit on the floor and play with her for 15 minutes or so.

This has been my experience almost exactly, too. I don’t think my husband has ADD or ADHD, but he is one of the worst procrastinators I have ever known. I am the exact opposite and want everything done NOW so that I can relax and not have to think about it. He thinks I nag, but really it’s the only way anything ever gets done. So I do what you do- giving the option of watching the baby or doing it. He will almost always choose watching the baby because I mostly manage the finances and all of the administrative stuff anyway.

I also had to do the “let the baby cry for a few minutes while I pay a bill” thing. He used to scream immediately- and sometimes still does- but I’ve found that if I’m just out of his sight (but I can still keep an eye on him) he will forget he’s upset and start to play. I used to pick him up every time he cried and it was a nightmare. Getting him comfortable with entertaining himself has made things so much better for both of us.

OP, probably a lot of the things you need to get done can be done online. Have you tried being direct with your husband? When he gets home from work, after he’s been home a little bit, say “I need to fill out these forms. Can you please take the baby for 20 minutes?” Then hand him the baby and go to what you need to do.

 

[Kithrus]

There are many misconceptions about add/adhd, many of them spring from several conflicting camps.

It’s not real, it’s not a problem, it needs medication, it needs to be fixed or my personal favourite the subject will grow out of it.

By default add/adhd is a evolutionary advantage. The person in question is able to glean every detail of their environment from sights, smells, feeling of their clothes, the temperature, light levels and remember it. This awareness can be narrowed down to a single task creating a hyper focus on a task. In such a state of hyper focus time slows to a crawl, the ‘afflictied’ person is grated near flawless precision and accuracy.

This has a few draw backs because nothing is free: in non life threatening situations the most interesting thing in the room gets all the attention. During hyper focus the outside world stops existing, someone with add/adhd find they lose track of time outside of what they are doing. They may have created a master peice but dinner is late, the chores are undone and the babies hair is on fire.

I like to think the adsent minded professor best fits the description of add/adhd.

Does medications and coping mechanisms help? For some, for me I find making it work for me, harnessing it’s raw power makes me a happier person.

I find setting up my life so I have a time and place to focus on tasks. Making sure when I go into hyper focus I haven’t left something on the stove is much more productive then trying to ‘cure’ it.

 

[gardenswithkids]

IIRC from another thread, the OP is an American living outside the country, so yes, passports are a necessity. For some reason, I think she’s in either Korea or Germany–two countries who all but require you to get a permit monthly to exchange oxygen for carbon dioxide.
…

Thank you. I thought I must be missing something. International living far from one’s birth can create some additional complications for living. Most people, ADHD or not, simple don’t have to apply for oxygen permits. I imagine there are lots of adjustments to living in a foreign country, (along with having a young, fussy baby!) that may be pushing her husband past his normal abilities to manage. Again, I don’t know details about the op ’ s life or her husband’s job situation, etc., but if it were me I’d be evaluating ways to simplify our lives–and that would include evaluating if we should continue living in a foreign country.

 

[Luvz2travel]

My husband has suffered with adhd since childhood and hasn’t received any kind of treatment for it. My help and prayers are not sufficient and his problem is causing a lot of problems in all other areas of our life. I’m posting here because the issue is becoming urgent because we have a child. I can brush aside if he procrastinates with housework but I cannot live with insecurity, eg. Our legal work like tax, permits, passport renewals, etc. are always pending. I would easily do it, I don’t mind. But I have a very demanding baby, no family, no help and no second car.

What to do?

I have ADHD. Can’t take meds they don’t work on me anyway. The best thing you can give an ADHD person is a schedule, plenty of excerise and a sugar free healthy diet. People with ADHD do well when they have an organized schedule. This may involve going to a councel and working with a coach to set it all in a format or way he could respond to. For some it’s keeping a calender for me it’s writing notes on what I need to do and when. Everyone is different. Exercise and a healthy diet also go a long way. There’s lot of resources out there. Check out CHADD. It’s a national organization for people and family with ADD or ADHD. They have chapters all over the country and lots of resources as well. Good luck.

 

[3DOCTORS]

By the way, there is a CAF group for ADD

:yup: Here is the link to it - forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=648 - we try to incorporate our faith into the discussion. Both in how our faith can help us cope with the challenges ADD/HD presents, how things like inattentiveness affect our spiritual life (me, I’m having a hard time regaining a daily prayer life at the moment, for instance ). Plus just everyday stuff, a little humor, etc. Camaraderie and mutual understanding. :grouphug: Come check out the group!

 

[Allegra]

I have non-hyperactive ADD. There isn’t really a medication for me, so I went to a specialist as a tween in order to learn how to improve my focus. I struggle with remembering dates and times, so organization is key. I have difficulty having conversations in the vicinity of other people talking. I can’t focus on phone conversations with the TV on. (which is problematic because my husband insists on constant TV noise) I turn music off in the car when I’m looking for a parking spot. I had to learn techniques to make deadly dull teachers think I was paying attention to them in school. I get really frustrated when people bother me when I’m trying to get ready to leave. The trick is to figure out your own brain, your weaknesses, and come up with a plan to overcome those difficulties. If there isn’t a therapist that can help with that, there should be. I’m not a fan of the pills. At best, they help when used in addition to learning coping skills. At worst, they have some nasty side effects.