Adultery 2

[ajecphotos]

I feel awful!!!

As some of you may know, my twin sister had an affair which lasted around 5 months. She has gotten over it after a lot of heartache and is now on the right track to God.

Well, i cannot believe that i have just suffered the same fate!!!

I fell for a dear friend of mine, and the wifes! We got close and i committed adultery with her!! Oh my God!! I cannot believe what i have gone and done!

The wife and I have drifted apart over many years. We have a lovely child (Under 10). We fell out of love and respect and closeness. This ‘woman’ was the same. Several children, loveless marriage. We got to be very close friends. Good pals. Good to talk to.

Well, one day we just had a passionate embrace and next min we are in bed!!!

This has happened on several occasions over Lent etc!!! Sex, confession, sex, confession, sex confession!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Last time was last night. She is best friends with my wife. She stayed with us. I asked her into spare bedroom. We made love. I got up this morning and i want to die!!! This has to stop. After all the advice i gave my sister i am now in the depths of hell myself!

I love God. I am an EHMC. My priest has told me to carry on being an EHMC. He told me i must forget this woman. To sin no more.

People, it is lust. Pure and simple. Lust!!! I just want her when i see her. I know this is so wrong! I do love my wife. But we have grown so so far apart!!

I wish i could forget this woman but she is my wifes best friend, and her daughter and my daughter as super best friends!!! Only today we all went out for the day together!!

Her husband is very selfish and she wants to leave him.

I have known her for a long time but only recently we got close.

How do i deal with the lust? She is sooooooooooooo good looking, so sexy!!!

I want to take her from my mind. I wish i was blind so that i never saw her again!!!

I have talked to my priest. He was very understanding and superb. I am lost. Need God. I need my faith. I need my wife and daughter.

Closeness has not been in my marriage for many many years!! I am not talking sex. I am talking huggs, kisses, talking etc.

My wife is now trying. I am too.

How do i stop lust!!! Sexual urges!! Wanting this other woman!!!

I need God so much!!!

 

[Irishmom2]

Nothing any of us say to you is going to change anything. It has to come from you.

You are justifying everything just like you did for your sister.

You need counseling. Alone, and with your wife. But mostly, alone.

 

[ajecphotos]

Wife doesnt know about adultery.

I dont think she should know. Ok, i need punishing but does she? No as she is innocent in all this. I take full responsibility!

 

[Irishmom2]

Wife doesnt know about adultery.

I dont think she should know. Ok, i need punishing but does she? No as she is innocent in all this. I take full responsibility!

No, you don’t. A minute ago, you were sort of putting some of the blame on your wife, saying there is no hugging, or kidding or we aren’t close or whatever other excuse you can use to justify your despicable behavior. And during Lent? Disgraceful behavior for a EMHC. Yes, some of us do hold you to a higher standard.

In your case, your wife deserves to know that her husband and her supposed best friend are both cheaters and liars. Or do you and the friend think you are both going to act like nothing ever happened? Good luck with that.

 

[ajecphotos]

No, you don’t. A minute ago, you were sort of putting some of the blame on your wife, saying there is no hugging, or kidding or we aren’t close or whatever other excuse you can use to justify your despicable behavior. And during Lent? Disgraceful behavior for a EMHC. Yes, some of us do hold you to a higher standard.

In your case, your wife deserves to know that her husband and her supposed best friend are both cheaters and liars. Or do you and the friend think you are both going to act like nothing ever happened? Good luck with that.

My priest has told me that she does not need to know. That i should continue as an EHMC and that i HAVE to distance myself from this woman.

Yes, it is 50/50 as love went a long time ago. My wife admits that she is not the ‘loving’ type but i knew this anyway and i dont blame her one bit. It is ALL my fault!!

I am fully to blame

 

[Irishmom2]

Good luck with the deception, whether a priest advised it or not. Good luck with distancing yourself from your wife’s supposed best friend. Don’t know how you will avoid her.

You say that you don’t blame your wife, and then at the same time, you throw her under the bus again and say that she knows she isn’t the loving type…Sounds like another justification.

 

[Kelfa28]

Your wife needs to know so she can make a decision for herself on what to do.

Plus, you have no idea what this other women has been up to.

God forbid you exposed yourself and your wife to STDs.

You need to get tested.

Your wife may be responsible for 50% of the marriage but YOU are 100% responsible for the affair and there is NO EXCUSE for it.

She didn’t do anything that deserved to have her husband engage with another woman. This is NOT her fault.

You need individual consoling and you both need marriage consoling and YOU need to to tell her so she isn’t in the dark about something like this.

 

[pianistclare]

Amen to what everyone else said.
Aren’t you the one who posted a prayer request fro a lump in your wife’s breast?

Wow.
Words fail me.

Get professional help and you BOTH see the priest. You and your wife.
FORGET THIS WOMAN. You have used each other.
Work on repairing your marriage.

 

[Kelfa28]

Good luck with the deception, whether a priest advised it or not. Good luck with distancing yourself from your wife’s supposed best friend. Don’t know how you will avoid her.

You say that you don’t blame your wife, and then at the same time, you throw her under the bus again and say that she knows she isn’t the loving type…Sounds like another justification.

Exactly.

In order for this to work, you need to establish NO CONTACT with this woman. Meaning no talking, no visiting, no contact in anyway.

How is that going to be achieved when it’s your wife’s best friend? How would she feel if she found out this was going on behind her back and you did nothing to come clean with her and she continued the friendship.

Your wife NEEDS TO KNOW. Otherwise she will be living an awful lie that will hurt her more in the long run and she will never be able to heal.

All you will be doing is continuing the lie and pretending like nothing happened. That is NO way to live your life and it’s certainly not fair to your wife to live that way for you benefit.

You also need to resign as an EHMC.

 

[Irishmom2]

You also need to resign as an EHMC.

I know he will say his priest told him to stay on.

We all sin. But this was a serious sin, commited multiple times. Resigning would be the choice YOU should make.

But then, how would he explain that to his wife that he wants to continue to lie to?

 

[pianistclare]

My priest has told me that she does not need to know. That i should continue as an EHMC and that i HAVE to distance myself from this woman.

Yes, it is 50/50 as love went a long time ago. My wife admits that she is not the ‘loving’ type but i knew this anyway and i dont blame her one bit. It is ALL my fault!!

I am fully to blame

I can’t believe your priest said this.
Are you comfortable with having this deception for the rest of your life?
Her not knowing only benefits YOU.
You should probably think long and hard about distributing communion.
That is ONLY possible if you have been to confession and will not have ANY contact or communication with this woman. I think you need to step back from this ministry. Not saying that God has not forgiven you, or you have not been absolved in Confession…
(I assume you have been to Confession). But it’s not prudent to play fast and loose with this big responsibility.
You have a lot of work to do.

 

[Havard]

In a recent, similar thread where a woman cheated on her husband, 6/6 posters all agreed that she follow her confessor’s advice in not telling her husband.

So it seems odd that in this thread, it’s now 3/3 agreeing that the OP ought to go against the confessor’s advice and tell his wife.

Would love to know why people feel this way.

 

[Irishmom2]

Havard, I did not see that thread, but perhaps the circumstances were different.

 

[pianistclare]

In a recent, similar thread where a woman cheated on her husband, 6/6 posters all agreed that she follow her confessor’s advice in not telling her husband.

So it seems odd that in this thread, it’s now 3/3 agreeing that the OP ought to go against the confessor’s advice and tell his wife.

Would love to know why people feel this way.

I can only answer for myself. The OP had an almost identical thread “about his sister”.
I feel badly that I doubt the veracity of the OP’s words. I simply doubt that the priest knows the whole story or even said that.
In short, I’m skeptical about the whole thing.
I was following the OP on his tread about prayers for his wife’s possible breast cancer.
Thanks be to God, it’s was nothing and she will be fine though.

 

[Havard]

Havard, I did not see that thread, but perhaps the circumstances were different.

It was an adulterous affair. What circumstances need to be different to make you say “don’t listen to your confessor?”

 

[Havard]

I can only answer fro myself. The OP had an almost identical thread “about his sister”.
I feel badly that I doubt the veracity of the OP’s words. I simply doubt that the priest knows the whole story or even said that.
In short, I’m skeptical about the whole thing.
I was following the OP on his tread about prayers for his wife’s possible breast cancer.
Thanks be to God, it’s was nothing and she will be fine though.

I hear everything you’re saying, and I understand your feelings about the prior threads. But I’m not seeing a difference in terms of the advice not to tell the wife. Now, if he is tested positive for an STD, clearly he has to. But that’s not yet determined.

 

[wild_thing]

I am one of those people who sometimes think it is prudent that adulterers not to tell their spouse they are cheating. This is not one of those times. You need to confess this to your wife. She needs to know that her friend and her spouse have been cheating on her so, as another poster stated, she can make a decision. Also, this will not allow your sinfulness to stay in the dark, where it will tempt you over and over again. It is time to face the repercussions of this unfortunate event. May God grant you the courage to do what is right and His will. Praying for you and your wife…

 

[pensmama87]

I was actually thinking that it might be wise for the OP not to tell, but the problem is that (provided this is truthful in the first place) this couple is really good friends with the other couple, and if they were just dropped, some kind of explanation would have to be provided to the wife.

If it was a stranger or someone the wife never saw, I would not necessarily advise the OP to tell - but to go no contact, get tested for STDs, and recommit himself to his wife. If my husband had an affair with a stranger, but repented and wanted to make it right, I honestly think that’s what I would want. Telling, when not necessary, can be just putting an extra burden on the wronged spouse.

But if my husband said, “Hey, we need to drop from this and this and this activity and can’t invite John and Cindy to come over anymore,” you bet I’d be suspicious as to why, and I wouldn’t want him to lie.

 

[pianistclare]

I hear everything you’re saying, and I understand your feelings about the prior threads. But I’m not seeing a difference in terms of the advice not to tell the wife. Now, if he is tested positive for an STD, clearly he has to. But that’s not yet determined.

Well, for the record, I don’t think I’ve ever suggested that these things be kept a secret.
But I have doubted things that were ascribed to a Catholic priest.
I find most priests are pretty clear on what to do, and seldom advance ignoring things. They generally are into healing, not sweeping problems under the rug.
I know this from experience. My sister divorced and remarried a non-Catholic by a civil judge. She claims she asked a priest if she could take communion. He said yes.
She failed to tell him she remarried outside of the church. Of course he said yes. He didn’t know the facts. He thought her husband had left her. She loved the response because it suited her, and she waved it in my mother’s face when she became concerned. Mama ended up believing that if the priest gave her bad advice, it was on him.
My feeling was He didn’t give bad advice. He just didn’t have the whole story.

 

[camerong]

What makes me think OP needs to disclose this to his wife is that he clearly is incapable of fixing this situation on his own. Unfortunately it sounds like his family is very close with this woman, and unless his family learns of the situation, he will continue to encounter her. OP and this woman will take advantage of even the slightest window to carry on their relationship. He may need to tell his wife simply so that she can sever ties with this family and keep these two apart.

OP, how exactly do you plan on changing? You think some people writing on a forum will convince you not to kill your marriage, when your priest has been unable to do so? You need to take some step which will prevent this from recurring. What you have done so far is clearly not enough.

It is easy enough to say that it is all your fault. Now it is time do take action. Get off of forums, grow up, and fix this. And yes, until you confess and rid yourself of this grave sin, do not have anything to do with the Holy Eucharist.