Adultery - As the victim would you like to know?

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catsrus:
If it was a one time indiscretion, I don’t want or need to know. If it was an affair, I’d know anyway without being told. You just KNOW these things.
As to the diseases being a reason to know, no. If it’s already a done deal, how is knowing going to change anything? If I find I have a disease, I’ll know and if I don’t, I won’t.
This is a rather depressing topic.
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This is a horrible topic, but I would want to know espcially if it were still on going to try to stop it, and to find out what the problems are or if they are fixable.

I would hate to find out about it way after its far too late to fix things.

WC
 
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catsrus:
As to the diseases being a reason to know, no. If it’s already a done deal, how is knowing going to change anything? If I find I have a disease, I’ll know and if I don’t, I won’t.
This is a rather depressing topic.
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Knowing allows you to protect yourself physically from catching the disease, by waiting until the adulterer has been cured, or until it can be identified and you know if it has gone into a non-infecting mode, or it allows you to refuse intercourse if it is life threatening.

Risking your life or taking significant health risks (e.g. becoming sterile as a result of being infected) is not the wisest thing you could do. What it can change is your choices; in that situation you can choose to not have sexual realtions.
 
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wcknight:
This is a horrible topic, but I would want to know espcially if it were still on going to try to stop it, and to find out what the problems are or if they are fixable.

I would hate to find out about it way after its far too late to fix things.

WC
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Also, if you find out way after it happened by accident you start to wonder about the years in between. Was the incident you stumbled upon and isolated event? Or was it just the tip of the ice berg. It gets even worst if you find out about a long ago incident after having found out about a very recent incident. Suddenly, all the years in between are in question. One other thing to think about is if you spouse did it once they can do it again and it gets much easier for them to do it again if the original reason for their first act of infidelity was never addressed and if they realize they got away with it once they may believe they could get away with it again. I’d believe any act of infidelity has to be revealed to the spouse and as Christians and with the help of God’s grace the marriage should be able to be saved.
 
I’d like to know because my imagination is invariably worse than reality. If I could somehow manage to remain completely oblivious, and never even catch a hint of a one-time incident, I can see how it might be better to not know. This rarely seems to be the case, however, and I know from experience that if I have a solid suspiscion, it’s usually on the money, and my mind begins working overtime to make it worse than it is. Somehow just knowing the real details makes things more managable for me.

The other reason I’d like to know is because such actions rarely happen in a vacuum. Something is or was wrong in the relationship to lead to such indiscretions, and you can’t fix a problem that you don’t know exists. Better to hit it head on, IMO, with the hopes of curing the ailment. I’m the kind of person that would want to work together in counciling before just blowing up and calling it quits, and knowledge would just mean an opportunity to get some real work done rather than playing pretend.
 
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Ghosty:
I’d like to know because my imagination is invariably worse than reality. If I could somehow manage to remain completely oblivious, and never even catch a hint of a one-time incident, I can see how it might be better to not know. This rarely seems to be the case, however, and I know from experience that if I have a solid suspiscion, it’s usually on the money, and my mind begins working overtime to make it worse than it is. Somehow just knowing the real details makes things more managable for me.
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I couldn’t agree more. My imagination would go into overdrive and I’d start conjuring up all kinds of ‘scenarios’. The problem I had was that my spouse did not want to talk about the ‘details’ leaving me to come to my own conclusions…sometimes wrong and sometimes right. I think once it’s out in the open it must be talked about until the victim has all his/her questions answered.

Aside from losing a loved one being the victim of adultery is probably the worst thing that could happen to someone. It’s an absolutely terrible feeling.
 
Everybody deals with things differently. I know I’ve spoke about this before on on other similar threads but here’s my 2 cents (again).

In my case I was told by husband told about 7 years after the fact. Other than it happened while he was in the military I know no other details, because I stopped him before he could give them to me. It was over and done with years earlier and there was nothing I or he could do at this to at that point change what happened, knowing all the gory details wasn’t going to help me move on from it. It took a while to forgive him, but with God’s grace I did. It’s never been talked about since.

Very few people who know me personally (I’m not talking anonymous on-line here on the forum) know about this incident, and the only reason I told it is because they were having a crisis in their relationship and I use it as a way to show that even the worst things can be overcome.

I think I would really have preferred not knowing. I have been accused of wanting to bury my head in the sand. Yeah my husband and I had problems, but we were at a point in our marriage where whether I knew about this incident or not we would have had to deal with them. And we did deal with them. Had I’d known about it when it actually happened I think it would have been more difficult because obviously 7 years down the road I had reassurance it over and done with and in the past.

I don’t make light of devastation of knowing your marriage vows were broken. It was very painful, and I grieved over it for along time. But I did it out of the sight of my husband. Why? At the time I found out he was in a downward spiral of depression and was battling alcoholism. I didn’t want to lose him completely by adding more guilt to the darkness he was already suffering.

My husband is my bestfriend. We are in the marriage til death do us part, with all the flaws, and weaknesses, and failings we have as imperfect human beings. What was best for the survival of my marriage was to put it in the past and move on. And I’m glad I did because today we have a wonderful relationship, and marriage that’s rock solid.

It’s easy to say as Catholics we believe in the sacrament of marriage, that it’s til death do us part, for better or worse but when the chips are down do we believe it? I heard advise given to people whose spouse has cheated or left them - change the locks, don’t let her see the kids, get a lawyer to protect your assets. When it hurts us personally, when it hurts our pride, when it humilates us - keeping to that vow seems to be alot harder.
 
Rayne, my hat is off to you. It sounds like you do indeed take your vow very seriously.:bowdown:

Would that all of us would do the same when called for it.

Upon further reflection, I would prefer NOT to know IF: It was a one-time indiscretion.
Anything else, and even possibly that one-time indiscretion, I would want to know about so I could help FIX whatever caused this infidelity in the first place.
 
Mt19:26:
Also, if you find out way after it happened by accident you start to wonder about the years in between. Was the incident you stumbled upon and isolated event? Or was it just the tip of the ice berg. It gets even worst if you find out about a long ago incident after having found out about a very recent incident. Suddenly, all the years in between are in question. One other thing to think about is if you spouse did it once they can do it again and it gets much easier for them to do it again if the original reason for their first act of infidelity was never addressed and if they realize they got away with it once they may believe they could get away with it again. I’d believe any act of infidelity has to be revealed to the spouse and as Christians and with the help of God’s grace the marriage should be able to be saved.
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I’m in the position of, 3 years after I found out, still trying to work through the past 15 years of our marriage, courtship, relationship. Wondering if when we say/said “I love you” if we even mean/meant the same thing! Its quite frustrating. I don’t dwell on it, but every now & then it crops up and has to be dealt with. Well, I have three years before our silver anniverary to get rid of the tarnish, no?
 
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otm:
I think that most victim spouses have at least a sense that something is afoot. It is pretty hard to share bed and board and not be aware that things aren’t waht they should be.

Then, I suspect, it gets down to whether one sticks one’s head in the sand, or whether one takes issue head on.

And the old saw “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” is sadly lacking in truth.
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Trouble is you know somethings wrong but don’t know what. When you ask, you’re lied to. You have to become something you’re not (sneaky, non-trusting) to get the truth.

While it was going on I became very depressed and physically ill. When I look back I can see all the red flags. I didn’t know what they were at the time.
 
Yes. I would want to get to the root of the problem. My husband and I believe communication is key to our relationship. He is my best friend.

Rayne, God bless you and your family. I hope my DH and I take our vows as seriously.

And yes, there are the health issues. My fertility, health of unborn children, cervical cancer risks, etc. I want to consent to the increased risks that exist after an affair, since there is a very slight chance of an absolute clean bill of health.
 
Rayne, bless you and your DH.

As for me, I’m glad I found out about my 1st spouse (I would have figured it out anyways, seeing how he left me for her 😉 ).

My DH and I have things in our past that we are neither proud of, nor would we repeat. But for our health (both physically and mentally), it was necessary.

Didn’t Paul write in his 1st letter to the Corinthians… “Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth”?

Don’t we need that truth?
 
Just another perspective on the problem: if you know, it’s another opportunity to practice being forgiving. And Our Lord loves to see forgiveness!
 
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FrmrTrad:
Just another perspective on the problem: if you know, it’s another opportunity to practice being forgiving. And Our Lord loves to see forgiveness!
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Being myself a victim of that:crying: The forgiveness comes but the paranoia and uncertainty,insecurity ect. seems to linger like a cancer whether you want it to go away or not.
 
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Lisa4Catholics:
Being myself a victim of that:crying: The forgiveness comes but the paranoia and uncertainty,insecurity ect. seems to linger like a cancer whether you want it to go away or not.
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I know; it’s just a perspective without intending to be a complete answer.
 
Theoretically - yes I would want to know. Need to know.

Realistically - Praise the Lord! I truly do not fear ever being in that situation. My husband and I have been married going on 4 years, we’ve been a couple for 9 years altogether. High School Sweethearts. We have known each other since such a young age and have already been through so much together. Our marriage is concrete - with strong values on both sides. We both know how sacred our wedding vows were to us and how sacred our intimacy is with each other. We have only ever been with each other and we intend on it staying that way. I want my children to grow up knowing they can and should only give their body to the one they marry. So . . . I fear not, I have only love and trust which is given back in return.
 
if it was a one night stand so to speak and not repetitive then NO good can come of telling your spouse.

The issue of trust will not matter one iota whether the spouse tells you now/later or someone else tells them.

Why should your spouse beleive you when you just tell them that you had a fling and it was the only one and has not happened before.

What really peeves me is one a so called family friend/relative knows that your spouse is having an affair and does not tell the other partner. (I have no personal experience of this but have found out later about other peoples relationships that supposed friends/family knew but did not tell)

If my wife had a one night stand once only, I would not want to know. If she played up on me more regular than once, then I would want to know and I would want anyone who found out or knew such a thing to tell me.
 
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Marysgirl:
If there was true repentance then it should be between my husband and God through the confessional. If it is a repeated behavior it will come out anyway. I think I would know without being told.
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Yup. You would, assuming you are still on Planet Earth; the ones who miss it truly are somewhere lost in space…
 
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BibleReader:
I used to do divorces, as an attorney.

In two of those cases, after the husbands were caught fooling around with younger women, the wives kicked them out, the wives began to try to relieve their loneliness by fooling around, too, but were shocked at the low quality of the males still out there in the social landscape (“out there” being an appropriate euphemism). In those two cases, I successfully argued to the wives that now the scales were balanced – each had had their bites of forbidden fruit. The husbands, unable to cope with the vigor and optimism of the young women they were bedding, and the wives, shocked at the low caliber of the wierdos out there still available for marriage, agreed to get back together.
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You had better luck than I did. I finally quit when one of my cases ended up as a murder-suicide.
 
Steve Andersen:
I found out the hard way when her boyfriend tried to pick a fight with me in response to her calling it off

somethings are better not known
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Bet that was as much fun as a root canal without anesthesia…

But were you truly blissfully unaware, or was it nagging around the edges and you ignored the signs?
 
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