Adultery forgiveness

[TLM08]

I agree. I find using the fact someone has confessed adultury to a priest as being done and dried, using the excuse that it might hurt the other spouse and/or children if one confess’s adultury to the other spouse as just that, excuses. I believe it is a form of cowardness. If one commits adultury in effect I regard it as a divorce already, an adulturer has divorced his spouse in his heart.

I do come from the side of someone who was married to an adulturer. Personally speaking I am not into weak men or weak women. If you haven’t the guts to confess to your spouse you broke your marriage vows, and the guts to take the consequences, you are a coward, and you can use any excuse under the sun to try and justify not informing your spouse, but it will still make you a coward.

It makes you brave to Confess to a priest, but it makes you even braver to confess to the one you betrayed. You didn’t just betray God, you also betrayed someone else.

I think this boils down, in my opinion, to your conscious, whether you feel you can justify in your heart staying quiet, and what you regard as a weak or strong person.

I am sorry about what happened to you but the bitterness in your comments are an indication of the pain your spouse inflicted on you. Adultry is an evil business and the heartaches come from multiple fronts. Of course the straying spouse committed an assault on the marriage by having an affair. However, confessing this to the spouse is where the fatal wound is inflicted on the marriage. Ripping your husband or wife’s heart out and causing your family to implode by telling them about this sin is unwise and under certain circumstances, just plain selfish.

***Confessing this to a spouse has absolutely NOTHING to do with courage. The cowardice was in the adultry itself. The time for courage is BEFORE the adultry takes place. Confronting the marital issues that lead to adultry takes courage! ***

Here is the exception… If someone is having multiple affairs and (or) have been visiting prostitutes, it is safe to say that they are a sex addict. These people who cannot stop their behavior ABSOLUTELY DO need to tell their spouse about what is going on because this is an ongoing sickness of the soul along with a significant reason for concern about disease. Another exception is if the affair becomes discovered. At that point the offender must confess the affair to the spouse. The WHO, WHEN, WHERE, and WHY must be confessed. ***This is another time for courage. Lying at this time is pure cowardice.***My position that if the adultry was an isolated incident, committed long ago, and the offender has no desire whatsoever to stray again, and has confessed and done his or her penance, then they should keep their mouth shut. If your conscience is bothering you then tough cookies! It’s your guilt, you deal with it! The place to unburden one’s conscience is in the confessional.

 

[Serap]

Wow this is a tough one. If you want a woman’s opinion; if I found out, I would be heart broken and I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust my husband again. It would tear our marriage apart and I don’t know if I would be able to stay with him.

If my husband repented and went to a Confessor and never would do it again, I would rather not know. Life would go on as usual and I’d probably have a more loving husband (as a result of his guilt).

Honestly, I agree with the men here. It’s better she doesn’t know…IF the condition is that he has truly repented and will never do it again. Let him bare the guilt. He deserves it.

I also second that he better make sure that he won’t pass on a sickness to his wife - go see a doctor.

 

[MomblessedX3]

First off I was cheated on in my marriage. My husband tried the ask God for forgiveness then bury it deeply route…it almost destroyed him. He asked for forgiveness but the guilt and remorse almost consumed him. It got tot he point that he knew he had to ask me for a divorce or ask me for forgiveness. He chose the ask me for forgiveness route.

Let me say before I conitnue on…if anyone had asked me 10 years ago what I would do if my spouse had an affair the answer would have been an instant and convicted “HE IS OUT!”

My husband truly believed that I would most likely ask for a divorce. While I was truly devastated…I knew that he was sincere in his remorse. I chose to forgive him. It wasn’t a short process. It has been about 7 years since he told me. It still occasionally pains me when the random thought regarding the infidelity pops into my head. I once again trust my husband.

In order to deal with the pain we were each feeling we had to recommit to each other and work very hard on our marriage. It is now better than it has ever been.

I don’t think that there is one right answer to the question of telling the spouse but in my experience the only way we could rebuild our marriage was for me to know why it was falling apart. He couldn’t fix it on his own.

I am going on an assumption here…but I will pray for you in your journey to decide what path to take. Either road will be long and hard. It will largely depend on your own conscience as to what choice to make.

Many Prayers…

 

[dlltoms]

Should the other spouse know? Sence I was married for 40 years to one that had so many affairs he hasn’t kept account of how many. He confessed to his oldest daugher that he had many many affairs. I can tell you that it does catch up with you and that it takes a tole on the whole family. My adult children and grandchildren do not want his new wife shoved down their throats as their mother and grandmother. I can tell I never suspected it for I was always accused of having affairs and beleive me it never entered my mind to do such a thing. I thought marriage was forever. and that is the way I have lived my life. He did not. He wanted the married life but wanted the freedom to have affairs too. But I guess that is what they call free will. I choose not to stay married to him 5 years ago. And filed for divorce, by the way I was a battered woman also, my children were beaten for lieing for not telling him the truth which I do not know what his truth is. Thru this all he has blamed everyone from his parents to childre to the people he worked with to everyone but himself. I do not go around them or want to be around when they come here for some family thing my children and grandchildren know that I love them and I do not attend those things that they attend, I have had 40 years of his throwing his affairs in my face. Forgiveness that is no probem I was taught to love the sinner hate the sin, yes that is very true but if they are not willing to repent and keep it up then there is not much else to say but to pray for his soul.

 

[iamrefreshed]

So…
Should we discuss our confessions with our spouse? Or maybe we should drag our spouse into the confessional with us? After all, we are married and one now…

Ridiculous. No one has a “right” to know anyone’s private confessions, not even a spouse.

Sacramental confession is not the issue here.

Honesty in marriage IS the issue.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I am sorry about what happened to you but the bitterness in your comments are an indication of the pain your spouse inflicted on you. Adultry is an evil business and the heartaches come from multiple fronts. Of course the straying spouse committed an assault on the marriage by having an affair. However, confessing this to the spouse is where the fatal wound is inflicted on the marriage. Ripping your husband or wife’s heart out and causing your family to implode by telling them about this sin is unwise and under certain circumstances, just plain selfish.

***Confessing this to a spouse has absolutely NOTHING to do with courage. The cowardice was in the adultry itself. The time for courage is BEFORE the adultry takes place. Confronting the marital issues that lead to adultry takes courage! ***

Here is the exception… If someone is having multiple affairs and (or) have been visiting prostitutes, it is safe to say that they are a sex addict. These people who cannot stop their behavior ABSOLUTELY DO need to tell their spouse about what is going on because this is an ongoing sickness of the soul along with a significant reason for concern about disease. Another exception is if the affair becomes discovered. At that point the offender must confess the affair to the spouse. The WHO, WHEN, WHERE, and WHY must be confessed. ***This is another time for courage. Lying at this time is pure cowardice.***My position that if the adultry was an isolated incident, committed long ago, and the offender has no desire whatsoever to stray again, and has confessed and done his or her penance, then they should keep their mouth shut. If your conscience is bothering you then tough cookies! It’s your guilt, you deal with it! The place to unburden one’s conscience is in the confessional.

I’m speaking from experience. The betrayed spouse should ALWAYS be told. Not to do this leaves one spouse ‘controlling’ the marriage and the betrayed is MANIPULATED.

The betrayed spouse DESERVES all the information so THEY CAN MAKE THEIR OWN DECISION about the marriage.

Not giving them that opportunity is MANIPULATION.

 

[thistle]

I’m speaking from experience. The betrayed spouse should ALWAYS be told. Not to do this leaves one spouse ‘controlling’ the marriage and the betrayed is MANIPULATED.

The betrayed spouse DESERVES all the information so THEY CAN MAKE THEIR OWN DECISION about the marriage.

Not giving them that opportunity is MANIPULATION.

I totally disagree with that.

 

[Julianna]

He/she should have thought about that before they cheated. A covenant was broken and the cheated on spouse needs to know…it’s called “honesty” in a marriage. Now the consequences…if he/she decides to leave with the kids…the house…the car and the money…it is his/her perogitive.

There are 3 good reasons for divorce.
A-addiction
A-abuse
A-adultery

in the last one …a sacred trust has been broken…

Think …before you do something stupid…

 

[iamrefreshed]

I totally disagree with that.

Why?

 

[TLM08]

I’m speaking from experience. The betrayed spouse should ALWAYS be told. Not to do this leaves one spouse ‘controlling’ the marriage and the betrayed is MANIPULATED.

The betrayed spouse DESERVES all the information so THEY CAN MAKE THEIR OWN DECISION about the marriage.

Not giving them that opportunity is MANIPULATION.

In the case of a childless couple, I agree with you 100% …However, the stability of the home for the sake of the children far outweigh the “right to know” of the betrayed spouse, provided the infidelity was an isolated incident committed long ago and long since repented.

 

[iamrefreshed]

From the CCC…

**1662 **Marriage is based on the consent of the contracting parties, that is, on their will to give themselves, each to the other, mutually and definitively, in order to live a covenant of faithful and fruitful love.

**1604 **God who created man out of love also calls him to love the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. For man is created in the image and likeness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man.

**1638 **“From a valid marriage arises a *bond *between the spouses which by its very nature is perpetual and exclusive; furthermore, in a Christian marriage the spouses are strengthened and, as it were, consecrated for the duties and the dignity of their state by a special sacrament.”

What other Sacraments in our faith suggest that we lie? Can you read anything above and come to the conclusion that God wants us to lie?

Not telling a spouse about adultry is a sin. Lying is a sin. Lying by ommission is a sin.

Not telling is wrong on so many levels. If you don’t have radical honesty in marriage, you don’t have a marriage.

 

[iamrefreshed]

In the case of a childless couple, I agree with you 100% …However, the stability of the home for the sake of the children far outweigh the “right to know” of the betrayed spouse, provided the infidelity was an isolated incident committed long ago and long since repented.

Why should one party in the marriage get to have 100% of the information and the other party receive 90%?

Have you been betrayed?

I have and I’m telling you from experience that being lied to is worse the the pain of the betrayal.

Can’t you see that lying is a betrayal? How can you continue in a marriage in which there is a daily betrayal?

God asks us to seek forgiveness from those we have wronged. He doesn’t put conditions on it.

 

[iamrefreshed]

More from the CCC on lying, forgiveness and reparation…

**2483 **Lying is the most direct offense against the truth. To lie is to speak or act against the truth in order to lead someone into error. By injuring man’s relation to truth and to his neighbor, a lie offends against the fundamental relation of man and of his word to the Lord.

**2484 **The gravity of a lie is measured against the nature of the truth it deforms, the circumstances, the intentions of the one who lies, and the harm suffered by its victims. If a lie in itself only constitutes a venial sin, it becomes mortal when it does grave injury to the virtues of justice and charity.

**2485 **By its very nature, lying is to be condemned. It is a profanation of speech, whereas the purpose of speech is to communicate known truth to others. The deliberate intention of leading a neighbor into error by saying things contrary to the truth constitutes a failure in justice and charity. The culpability is greater when the intention of deceiving entails the risk of deadly consequences for those who are led astray.

2486 Since it violates the virtue of truthfulness, a lie does real violence to another. It affects his ability to know, which is a condition of every judgment and decision. It contains the seed of discord and all consequent evils. Lying is destructive of society; it undermines trust among men and tears apart the fabric of social relationships.

Note above statement 'effects his ability to know, which is a condition of every judgement and decision…This is how a liar MANIPULATES.

**2487 **Every offense committed against justice and truth entails the duty of reparation, even if its author has been forgiven. When it is impossible publicly to make reparation for a wrong, it must be made secretly. If someone who has suffered harm cannot be directly compensated, he must be given moral satisfaction in the name of charity. This duty of reparation also concerns offenses against another’s reputation. This reparation, moral and sometimes material, must be evaluated in terms of the extent of the damage inflicted. It obliges in conscience.

THis is why you must tell the truth and ask for forgiveness from YOUR SPOUSE, not just a priest.

 

[thistle]

Why?

Because if the adulterer or adultress **truly **repents and goes to Confession and is absolved then the sin has been removed and the guilt lifted. True repentence most likely would make the sinning spouse an even better marriage partner. Wouldn’t that be better than potentially destroying a whole family?
Your argument that you should be told so you could decide whether to break up the family and walk out means you are saying that its up to you to decide if God was right to forgive him!

 

[iamrefreshed]

Because if the adulterer or adultress **truly **repents and goes to Confession and is absolved then the sin has been removed and the guilt lifted. True repentence most likely would make the sinning spouse an even better marriage partner. Wouldn’t that be better than potentially destroying a whole family?
Your argument that you should be told so you could decide whether to break up the family and walk out means you are saying that its up to you to decide if God was right to forgive him!

God always forgives. Mankind does not. That is our choice, our free will. Why should someone else remove my choice for me?

Did you read the CCC passages on truth?

 

[TLM08]

Why should one party in the marriage get to have 100% of the information and the other party receive 90%?

Have you been betrayed?

I have and I’m telling you from experience that being lied to is worse the the pain of the betrayal.

Can’t you see that lying is a betrayal? How can you continue in a marriage in which there is a daily betrayal?

God asks us to seek forgiveness from those we have wronged. He doesn’t put conditions on it.

If my loving wife had an isolated affair 5, 10 or 20 years ago for whatever reason, has long since repented and confessed to a priest, done her penance and deeply regrets it, would I want her to tell me now? Absolutely not. In fact, I pray that she never would! Although I have no reason to suspect her of any infidelity, I forgive her unconditionally already for anything she may have done. The Lord God Almighty knows that I need more than my share of forgiveness for the wickedness that lives within me.

Although I have never had sex outside of my marriage, God knows that I haven’t been the perfect husband. We all have plenty to answer for because of things we have done as fellow sinners living in a fallen world. With the loving embrace of God the Father and the happiness of Heaven as our ultimate goal, I know that I must focus on being the best Catholic husband, father and grandfather that I can be.

God Bless you and I pray for Gods healing for all those who have been hurt in this way.

Peace

 

[iamrefreshed]

If my loving wife had an isolated affair 5, 10 or 20 years ago for whatever reason, has long since repented and confessed to a priest, done her penance and deeply regrets it, would I want her to tell me now? Absolutely not. In fact, I pray that she never would! Although I have no reason to suspect her of any infidelity, I forgive her unconditionally already for anything she may have done. The Lord God Almighty knows that I need more than my share of forgiveness for the wickedness that lives within me.

Although I have never had sex outside of my marriage, God knows that I haven’t been the perfect husband. We all have plenty to answer for because of things we have done as fellow sinners living in a fallen world. With the loving embrace of God the Father and the happiness of Heaven as our ultimate goal, I know that I must focus on being the best Catholic husband, father and grandfather that I can be.

God Bless you and I pray for Gods healing for all those who have been hurt in this way.

Peace

So you’re content doing whatever makes you ‘feel good’? Let’s just toss out the CCC!

That’s exactly the kind of thinking that got the world where it is today.

A world where men and women can call themselves ‘married’ and lie to eachother everyday.

 

[Fox]

The whole thing boils down to this: Think before you act, if the person thought about your action before the affair then the person wouldn’t be in the problem. Now the person done the deed and he/she confessed to the priest and it is done. Don’t make another mistake telling the spouse, it will crush them and it is selfish. The sin is done and forgiven, end of story, push on and be a better spouse to the wife/husband. Think about the consquences of your actions before you do it!!!

 

[grandfather]

What other Sacraments in our faith suggest that we lie? Can you read anything above and come to the conclusion that God wants us to lie?

Not telling a spouse about adultry is a sin. Lying is a sin. Lying by ommission is a sin.

Not telling is wrong on so many levels. If you don’t have radical honesty in marriage, you don’t have a marriage.

I do not know that there is a one size fits all thing to do.

Your logic however is faulty. There are sins of ommission, but your example is not one of them. There are things we ought to have done, actions we should have taken that if we did not the inaction was immoral.

If I know someone’s spouse has been unfaithful and know the truth about it I have no obligation to reveal it. In fact it could be sinful to reveal it, the sin of detraction. We are under a moral obligation to protect the reputation of others and not damage it by keeping silent about things we know of them that if known by others would hurt them. The circumstances are different in a marriage, and maybe revealing affairs is always the right thing to do, but not revealing them is not a sin of ommission, or lying by ommission.

There are a lot of strong opinions on this. Notice that no one has been able to come up with a Church teaching. “If a spouse has been unfaithful then he or she is under a moral obligation to confess the sin to his or her spouse.” You can’t find that in the Catechism, or anywhere. There have got to be millions of unfaithful spouses and it has been going on forever. It is a common thing, not rare. If there were some absolute one size fits all way to address this within a marriage it seems that by now the Church would have figured it out and created some policy.

Those who feel so strongly one way or another are expressing their opinions. The only thing I feel is sorry for all people who are pained by this kind of sin. I feel sorry for the adulterer and do not want to throw stones and I feel sorry for the wronged parties. God have mercy on us all.

After Jesus saved the life of the adultress and told her to sin no more I wonder what happened next. Her husband and all the neighbors knew she was caught in the act. Her life was saved, but I wonder if Jesus’s grace extended to saving her marriage. He told us to forgive 70 times 7. I wonder if her husband took her back and loved her.

In typology adultery is compared to the betrayal of God’s people He says are His spouse. All sin is a betrayal of God. God is the lover of our souls and when we sin we cheat on Him. I am the betrayer or God. I am a sinner.

 

[thistle]

So you’re content doing whatever makes you ‘feel good’? Let’s just toss out the CCC!

That’s exactly the kind of thinking that got the world where it is today.

A world where men and women can call themselves ‘married’ and lie to eachother everyday.

The CCC does NOT say that sins discussed in the Sacrament of Penance should be then discussed with the spouse.