Adultery forgiveness

[otjm]

Forgiveness toward self: how to cope with feelings of guilt ?

How to tell your husband or wife about your attraction toward
another person, whether or not you could manage to keep yourself
from acting it out ? Does hiding it already stand as an act of
distrust toward your spouse ? Could the unfaithful partner seek
the mediation of a pastor ?

How to deal with feelings of unworthiness that can cause the one
who has been unfaithful to refuse physical manifestations of love,
adversely and heavily affecting the recovering of both ? Again,
could a pastor be seeked for help ?

1. go to confession (assuming you are Catholic); if not, go to your pastor concerning your sense of sin.
2. Why do people in this situation feel a compunction to tell the spouse? My guess is they are seeking forgiveness. This is an area that is filled with land mines; and they go off when one is least expecting it. This is not an issue about honesty with the spouse; that is simply a cloak for another issue - guilt. The feeling is that “If I tell my spouse, I can get past all this guilt I am feeling”; that is, the reason to tell the spouse isn’t some belated feeling that one needs to be honest; it is a feeling that somehow the spouse is going to wipe away the feeling of guilt. The short answer is that is using the spouse to deal with the guilty feelings under the guise of “being honest”.
3. As to using the pastor as a mediator: if you have cut yourself and need stitches, you don’t go to the garage mechanic. You go to a doctor. If one is going to enter into the area of marital counseling, then one should have a good, qualified marital counselor. Some pastors are good at marriage counseling, a very few are excellent at it, and altogether too many are abysmal at it. If you need a marriage counselor, go to a marriage counselor. If you need forgivenenss of sins, go to the pastor. If you have done that and are still dealing with a great deal of guilt, get a psychologist.

 

[otjm]

Uh, this post bothers me. You make it sound like committing adultery is your own business, so everyone butt out. This attitude doesn’t even sound like there is any remorse. I don’t know if telling a spouse is the right thing to do or not. I would be so wracked with guilt, I would have to; but I have seen families go through torture
in both scenarios ( telling and finding out later.)

What about this? I have had two friends whose husbands were cheating on them. One was a good friend, (Maid of honor) and the other was a next door neighbor. Do you tell them? My best friend’s husband had one fling after another. It was disgusting. I finally told her about it. She wanted evidence and the only evidence she would except was if I actually saw them in bed together, of which I didn’t. She didn’t want to know, and it destroyed our relationship. she was angry at me and we slowly parted. ( Yes, I tried for two years to reconcile) About 5 years later, she finally caught him in the act with a babysitter and divorced him.

My next door neighbor was in a hospital battling cancer, and I saw her husband bring home a student ( college professor).I was outside playing with my kids. She ducked down in the car, and he and I locked eyes. He knew I knew. I had learned my lesson the first time and even so, I would not have told this poor girl. She survived, thank God; but I am still so angry at him. We see each other often and his wife and I are close. I will never tell her, but I think I am having trouble forgiving him.My new rule of thumb is don’t tell unless they ask. I might feel differently if it were my daughter’s husband.

I would suspect that your best friend deep down “knew” that her husband was having affairs before you brought it to her attention. The human mind is an interesting thing. It can cope with only so much, and will do all sorts of things to avoid confronting what it “knows” but can’t face. I suspect your friend was coping with what she knew (or suspected) as best she could; when you confronted her, you were forcing her to acknowledge what she was not capable of dealing with; the result was that she picked her relationship with her husband over her relationship with you. It makes sense, but only when you realize that the sense it makes is on the level of survivial. She felt she could not survive without her husband - she could not deal with the trauma of divorce, or perhaps she could not deal with the thought of her postion post-divorce, and so your friendship became a liability.

As to the college professor - forgiveness does not mean liking him, or trusting him. But the Gospels require forgiveness. Sometimes we think that forgiving someone means treating them as if nothing had ever happened. Forgiveness is not easy. It is, however, required: as you forgive, so shall you be forgiven.

And your comment about being wracked with guilt is a very true reaction; however, your spouse is not there to releave you of guilt. Telling them only opens a can of worms; unguided by marriage counseling (and even often when guided by marriage counseling) the result is a divorce. Most often the spouse does not want confirmation of the adultery (and most often has a clue about it but may not be facing it). Using the spouse to obtain relief from guilt is just that - using the spouse. The spouse is not there to forgive you your sins - Christ is.

 

[yoniage]

1. go to confession (assuming you are Catholic); if not, go to your pastor concerning your sense of sin.
2. Why do people in this situation feel a compunction to tell the spouse? My guess is they are seeking forgiveness. This is an area that is filled with land mines; and they go off when one is least expecting it. This is not an issue about honesty with the spouse; that is simply a cloak for another issue - guilt. The feeling is that “If I tell my spouse, I can get past all this guilt I am feeling”; that is, the reason to tell the spouse isn’t some belated feeling that one needs to be honest; it is a feeling that somehow the spouse is going to wipe away the feeling of guilt. The short answer is that is using the spouse to deal with the guilty feelings under the guise of “being honest”.
3. As to using the pastor as a mediator: if you have cut yourself and need stitches, you don’t go to the garage mechanic. You go to a doctor. If one is going to enter into the area of marital counseling, then one should have a good, qualified marital counselor. Some pastors are good at marriage counseling, a very few are excellent at it, and altogether too many are abysmal at it. If you need a marriage counselor, go to a marriage counselor. If you need forgivenenss of sins, go to the pastor. If you have done that and are still dealing with a great deal of guilt, get a psychologist.

A ponderated and thoughtful reply.Thank you.

 

[lovemysix]

STD…that’s all I have to say. All of the other arguments for or against telling are totally trumped by this one truth: promiscuity is dangerous, and you can contract a serious, even deadly disease from having sex JUST ONE TIME. Even if you use a condom. (we all know how very unreliable they are).

So for me, the idea of a spouse cheating and not telling the innocent party about it is much more than simply living a lie every day (which is bad enough) but is about putting my health and perhaps very life at risk. If I am going to be at risk for a dangerous disease that I could avoid by not having relations with my spouse, I have the RIGHT to make that decision for myself. It takes months for a person to know they are free of HIV after possible exposure.

To me, this tops all else. I MIGHT be able to forgive infidelity. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t forgive having my very health/life played around with because my spouse didn’t have the guts to tell me I was at risk by sleeping with him. I deserve to make that decision for myself, especially considering I have children who rely on my health and wellbeing.

Just my .02

Lauren

 

[otjm]

STD…that’s all I have to say. All of the other arguments for or against telling are totally trumped by this one truth: promiscuity is dangerous, and you can contract a serious, even deadly disease from having sex JUST ONE TIME. Even if you use a condom. (we all know how very unreliable they are).

So for me, the idea of a spouse cheating and not telling the innocent party about it is much more than simply living a lie every day (which is bad enough) but is about putting my health and perhaps very life at risk. If I am going to be at risk for a dangerous disease that I could avoid by not having relations with my spouse, I have the RIGHT to make that decision for myself. It takes months for a person to know they are free of HIV after possible exposure.

To me, this tops all else. I MIGHT be able to forgive infidelity. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t forgive having my very health/life played around with because my spouse didn’t have the guts to tell me I was at risk by sleeping with him. I deserve to make that decision for myself, especially considering I have children who rely on my health and wellbeing.

Just my .02

Lauren

There is no way I would disagree with you, that you have a right to know that your spouse ha put you at risk.

The question posed, however, is somewhat different: should a third party tell the victim of the transgression?

Coupled with that is the simple fact that most often there has been a breakdown between the spouses that has included intercourse. Granted that does not occur in all cases, but in those in which it has occured (and my experience indicates that it is in the large majority), infection is not an issue due to the simple fact that the spouses are not engaged in intercourse.

 

[Letchitsa1]

If a spouse has committed adultery and he/she is **truly repentent **and goes to Confession then the Confession is between penitent, priest and God. The other spouse does NOT have to be told. Nothing said in Confession (whether its adultery or something else) by a spouse should be discussed with the other spouse. Once someone has confessed and received absolution then its done.

Ducking behind the seal of the confessional as an excuse for further dishonesty is bordering on sacrilegious, and shame on you for even suggesting the sacraments should be an excuse not to make amends for bad behavior. It is very rare that I am truly offended by anything, but this is extremely close. What you are basically saying is that if an adulterer lies to their spouse through a sin of commission (adultery), then they should lie to their spouse through a sin of omission (failing to own up to your bad behavior) and further compound that lie by using the sacraments to justify doing it. “Oh, sorry, honey…if I told you I had cheated on you, I would have broken the seal of the confessional.” Yeah, right. That is selfishness on a level I can honestly say I have seldom seen. Incredible.

 

[otjm]

Ducking behind the seal of the confessional as an excuse for further dishonesty is bordering on sacrilegious, and shame on you for even suggesting the sacraments should be an excuse not to make amends for bad behavior. It is very rare that I am truly offended by anything, but this is extremely close. What you are basically saying is that if an adulterer lies to their spouse through a sin of commission (adultery), then they should lie to their spouse through a sin of omission (failing to own up to your bad behavior) and further compound that lie by using the sacraments to justify doing it. “Oh, sorry, honey…if I told you I had cheated on you, I would have broken the seal of the confessional.” Yeah, right. That is selfishness on a level I can honestly say I have seldom seen. Incredible.

By your logic, an individual would have to confess any and all sins to their spouse after confessing them to a priest, or be guilty of another sin of “omission”. That, however, was not part of the Balitmore Catechism, nor any manual of which I am aware; is this some new moral theological rule?

All sins, by their very definition impact those around us; so it is not just adultery that impacts the spouse. Why is it you particularly focus on telling the spouse about adultery - or do you agree that the spouse has to confess all sins or be guility of the sin of omission to the other spouse?

Or is it that you feel that the offending spouse now has to inflict more damage to the marriage before they can truly be forgiven?

 

[Letchitsa1]

OK - after my rant about ducking behind the sacraments…

How the subject is broached with the spouse is really almost situational, but hiding behind the sacraments is definitely never the answer. Sometimes it may truly be best to keep it a secret - I don’t know. If you are truly honest in being sorry and wanting to save the marriage, however, I don’t know how you can really keep it a secret. Cheating is a sign of either someone who completely lacks self control or a marriage that has unaddressed problems in it. If it is the latter - only serious marital counseling is going to save that marriage, and once infidelity has entered into the picture, it might not even be salvageable depending on whether the wronged spouse can overcome the hurt, betrayal and other emotions enough to trust that spouse again, and depending on whether the spouse is sincerely sorry and never cheats again. Also, as others have noted - STDs can become a major factor in all of this, and not all STDs have cures. If I were ever in a situation where my spouse cheated on me - I don’t know for sure how I would react…it would depend on the circumstances. If I found out because I got an STD, especially an incurable one, said spouse would probably need the police department to keep me from killing him.

 

[lovemysix]

“The question posed, however, is somewhat different: should a third party tell the victim of the transgression?”

I went back and read the original post and didn’t seen anything about a third party? Maybe I am missing something here…

“Coupled with that is the simple fact that most often there has been a breakdown between the spouses that has included intercourse.”

This just hasn’t been the experience of most of the people I have known personally who have been cheated upon; they were still in active sexual relationships with their spouses while their spouses were cheating on them. So they were being exposed to whatever diseases their spouses were exposed to during that time frame. Is it really your experience that most people who are cheated upon are no longer having sex with their spouses when the cheating happens? I guess I’ve never seen statistics on it.

As far as I am concerned, unless the spouses have actually come to an agreement about not having sexual relations any longer (permanently—which would basically mean a separation), then the cheating spouse still has an obligation to tell the innocent spouse of any possible STD risks BEFORE they have sex again.

Lauren

 

[Letchitsa1]

By your logic, an individual would have to confess any and all sins to their spouse after confessing them to a priest, or be guilty of another sin of “omission”. That, however, was not part of the Balitmore Catechism, nor any manual of which I am aware; is this some new moral theological rule?

Not true at all. My logic is simply that nobody has the right to blame the sacraments for their sinful behavior. The implication of Thistle’s words was that if a person doesn’t want to be responsible for their bad behavior - they can duck responsibility by going to confession. That is not the point of confession, and I think you know that. However, if you disagree with that logic - perhaps you can point to me where, exactly, the Baltimore Catechism (or the newer catechism, if you prefer) says a person should use the sacraments to further their dishonesty? I can’t speak that intelligently about the Baltimore Catechism as it was a bit before my time, but I can tell you where the current catechism addresses lying - it’s covered quite extensively in the portion dealing with the 8th commandment…that little bugger about bearing false witness.

Also, as I added in a post that got attached after you had responded to this one - whether one chose to tell or keep was situational as to which was best. I can probably come up with just as many situations for both telling and keeping quiet. My beef isn’t with the choice for silence so much as it is the choice to use the sacraments to justify covering up the truth.

All sins, by their very definition impact those around us; so it is not just adultery that impacts the spouse. Why is it you particularly focus on telling the spouse about adultery - or do you agree that the spouse has to confess all sins or be guility of the sin of omission to the other spouse?

I chose to focus on adultery because that was the topic of the thread. By the logic of thistle’s post - a person could use the sacraments to duck the responsibility of owning up to bad behavior for any action. Since you obviously agree with thistle’s logic - perhaps you can explain why this behavior is acceptable in cases of adultery, and whether you feel it is also acceptable to hide behind the sacraments as justification for ducking responsibility for other sins as well?

As I noted before - going to confession is not the excuse for not telling your spouse you cheated on them. The much more honest approach would be to just say outright, “I didn’t tell because I didn’t feel that was the right thing to do” or whatever other reason a person might choose - but DO NOT BLAME THE SACRAMENT!!!

Or is it that you feel that the offending spouse now has to inflict more damage to the marriage before they can truly be forgiven?

Why do you feel the offending spouse should be allowed a free pass? And yes - a half dozen Hail Marys, which seems to be the usual penance regardless of what sins are confessed - is, essentially, a free pass.

What if the adulterer contracts an STD and brings it home to their spouse. Does the spouse deserve to know they might have an STD before it is too late to treat it effectively? Or is it more important that the adulterer is off the hook because it really isn’t fair to expect them to suffer any real consequences for their actions - regardless of the suffering inflicted on their spouse?

Now that I’ve asked that, what I believe is this: honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. And honesty from the beginning of a relationship can avoid a whole host of issues later on.

That said - marriage takes commitment and the willingness to work at it to make it work. Even if two people are willing to work to keep it fresh - they can still drift into adultery if they focus on the wrong areas of their relationship - i.e., they choose to focus on the kitten in the room when they should be more concerned about the mountain lion crouching nearby, ready to attack.

When adultery happens - it is more often a sign of something else not being right in the relationship - there is either some problem there or the couple has allowed themselves to drift away from that original commitment, ultimately allowing the relationship to become stale. In either case - especially if there is a problem - marital counseling of some sort is almost certainly in order. However, for the counseling to work - it requires commitment from both spouses and I would think honesty as well.

I believe that sooner or later - if a relationship is going to heal and be back on solid ground again, honesty must be reinserted into that relationship. Maybe that can be done while keeping the adultery a secret - maybe it cannot. Sooner or later, however, the person who erred needs to say, “Enough is enough” and knock it off. Excuses only last for so long, and “Well, I confessed it so I can’t tell my spouse without breaking the seal of the Confessional” is not just a cheap shot on the marital relationship but on the sacrament as well. The reality about adultery, as I see it is this (and it applies to other sins as well): if we aren’t comfortable owning up for our mistakes to the person we harmed by those mistakes - we shouldn’t be making those mistakes. If you’re not comfortable telling your spouse you cheated on them - don’t cheat. If you’re not comfortable repaying your friend for the candy bar you stole out of their desk drawer at work - don’t steal the candy bar. If you’re not comfortable working extra hours to make up for the time you stole from your boss with extended lunches - don’t take the extended lunch breaks.

Just as confession is good for your soul, so is honesty. Frequent confession, if done seriously, will keep most people a little more honest, not to mention accountable.

 

[Letchitsa1]

Somebody posed the question as to whether a third party that is aware of the adulterous relationship should tell the offended spouse…

I think the answer to that goes back to their intent. If the intent is malicious - definitely not, and I would probably say most of the time the third party should just stay out of it. That said, however, I can certainly understand warning a spouse that has been exposed to HIV/AIDS or some other STD, especially if it is not curable.

 

[yoniage]

Because if the adulterer or adultress **truly **repents and goes to Confession and is absolved then the sin has been removed and the guilt lifted. True repentence most likely would make the sinning spouse an even better marriage partner. Wouldn’t that be better than potentially destroying a whole family?
Your argument that you should be told so you could decide whether to break up the family and walk out means you are saying that its up to you to decide if God was right to forgive him!

I was in doubt whether or not to call in a third party (pastor)
but one thing I consider expected is to nevertheless tell the
wife about it. Yes, it’s also about feeling somewhat relieved
from a weigh, the one of knowing you are lying with silence.
Also, though cheating men are known to be very indulgent with
themselves, “boys will be boys” style, cheating women usually
drown themselves in feelings of guilt, feeling unworthy even
of husbands’ most basic manifestations of love. And that’s where
the relationship would cool down and get awry in case I lacked
the right words to have her trust me about the fact I would
never want to harm her in any way.

 

[otjm]

“The question posed, however, is somewhat different: should a third party tell the victim of the transgression?”

I went back and read the original post and didn’t seen anything about a third party? Maybe I am missing something here…

No, I crossed over two different threads. My mistake.

"“Coupled with that is the simple fact that most often there has been a breakdown between the spouses that has included intercourse.”

This just hasn’t been the experience of most of the people I have known personally who have been cheated upon; they were still in active sexual relationships with their spouses while their spouses were cheating on them. So they were being exposed to whatever diseases their spouses were exposed to during that time frame. Is it really your experience that most people who are cheated upon are no longer having sex with their spouses when the cheating happens? I guess I’ve never seen statistics on it.

My experinece comes from 12 years of divorce practice.

"As far as I am concerned, unless the spouses have actually come to an agreement about not having sexual relations any longer (permanently—which would basically mean a separation), then the cheating spouse still has an obligation to tell the innocent spouse of any possible STD risks BEFORE they have sex again.

Lauren

Or see to it that they are clean.

If the adulterer is a serial adulterer, there is probably no hope for the marriage - and such activity could be evidence, in part, of lack of intent that the marriage was exclusive.

If it was a one time affair (not necessarily a single sexual incident, but one partner), and the adulterer “comes to their senses” and wants to stay married, then they have to weigh the very real possiblity that admitting to an affair may be the death knell to the marriage. That they need counseling is a given - in fact, one could safely say, an absolute. That the only way to reconcile is to admit to the affair is debateable. And for those who hold that not telling is in itself a lie, please show the source, other than opinion.

 

[otjm]

Not true at all. My logic is simply that nobody has the right to blame the sacraments for their sinful behavior. The implication of Thistle’s words was that if a person doesn’t want to be responsible for their bad behavior - they can duck responsibility by going to confession. That is not the point of confession, and I think you know that. I can’t speak that intelligently about the Baltimore Catechism as it was a bit before my time, but I can tell you where the current catechism addresses lying - it’s covered quite extensively in the portion dealing with the 8th commandment…that little bugger about bearing false witness.

I disagree that Thistle is saying that one can “hide” behind the sacrament. One is not bearing false witness by not volunteering that one has had an affair. If one is going to Reconcilliation, the implication is that one is taking responsiblity for one’s sinful actions. We are not here discussing someone who has no intent to amned their ways.

I can probably come up with just as many situations for both telling and keeping quiet. My beef isn’t with the choice for silence so much as it is the choice to use the sacraments to justify covering up the truth.

And I don’t know of anyone who is using the sacrament, or proposing that it be used to hide anything. I do disagree that there is anything in the sacrament of Reconsilliation that requires one to then confess to one’s spouse.

I chose to focus on adultery because that was the topic of the thread. By the logic of thistle’s post - a person could use the sacraments to duck the responsibility of owning up to bad behavior for any action. Since you obviously agree with thistle’s logic - perhaps you can explain why this behavior is acceptable in cases of adultery, and whether you feel it is also acceptable to hide behind the sacraments as justification for ducking responsibility for other sins as well?

As noted, I don’t say anyone can “use” the sacrament. But the sacrament does not require further telling; one is reconcilled with Christ if one confesses one’s sin with the ingtent to amend one’s ways.

As I noted before - going to confession is not the excuse for not telling your spouse you cheated on them. The much more honest approach would be to just say outright, “I didn’t tell because I didn’t feel that was the right thing to do” or whatever other reason a person might choose - but DO NOT BLAME THE SACRAMENT!!!

I don’t.

Why do you feel the offending spouse should be allowed a free pass? And yes - a half dozen Hail Marys, which seems to be the usual penance regardless of what sins are confessed - is, essentially, a free pass.

Where do you get the idea I think anyone gets a free pass? If the marriage is to remain, both spouses will need some serious marital counseling.

What if the adulterer contracts an STD and brings it home to their spouse. Does the spouse deserve to know they might have an STD before it is too late to treat it effectively? Or is it more important that the adulterer is off the hook because it really isn’t fair to expect them to suffer any real consequences for their actions - regardless of the suffering inflicted on their spouse?

My experience - 12 years of doing divorce law - is that in most circumstances, where the adultery is not serial adultery, the victim spouse is not going to catch anything. The dynamics between the two most often have included a breaking off of sexual relations. So the STD issue is moot. It is not, where the adulterer is a serial adulterer. However, I have yet to meet anyone who was or is a serial adulterer who gives a flip about the spouse, or any risk of infecting them. And I have yet to meet a serial adulterer who suddenly started that way after the marriage. Nor have I met one who gives a fig about the sacrament. Any marriage to one is all but doomed from the start.

However, the questions of the OP don’t indicate this is the case. So let’s stick to the OP’s premise.

Now that I’ve asked that, what I believe is this: honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. And honesty from the beginning of a relationship can avoid a whole host of issues later on.

When adultery happens - it is more often a sign of something else not being right in the relationship - there is either some problem there or the couple has allowed themselves to drift away from that original commitment, ultimately allowing the relationship to become stale. In either case - especially if there is a problem - marital counseling of some sort is almost certainly in order. However, for the counseling to work - it requires commitment from both spouses and I would think honesty as well.

There is honesty and then there is honesty. It is honest to say “Our marriage is on a seriously wrong track, and I want to go to counseling, and I would like you to go too.” It is simplistic to presume that blurting out “I have been having an affair” is going to strengthen the marriage or heal the rift that has occured. It is far, far more likely to cause a permanent rupture. It has to be healed; but I disagree that saying “I have had an affair” is going to do that.

It may be that it will come out in counseling, hopefully in a way that can be constructive to healing the marriage. But this idea that it has to come out because of someone’s idea of what forgiveness is about is, I submit, more shaded with the adulterer’s need for relief from their guilt than from any true attempt to reconcile. And the spouse is not there to releave one’s guilt.

 

[adelore]

Amazing, some of the replies on here are simply Amazing. With that said, here’s some food for thought.

First things first, Adultry doesn’t “Just Happen”. It’s not like you were walking down the street tripped and fell then opps found yourself having sex with a stranger.

Adultry starts off as a relationship. Two people don’t just have sex without some kind of a relationship in the first place. (This would even include committing Adultry with a Prostatue.) There is communication before the Adultry happens in every case!

Now truely here before the “sexual” part of Adultry happened a person has plenlty of time to back out. Geeze it’s not like anyone who commits Adultry doesn’t think about what if my husband or wife finds out. Yet they go ahead with the relationship and sex, because they are selfish and don’t give too hoots about their wedding vows or if they might even hurt their spouse. The only time they “Worry” about it is if they get caught or the other person in the Adultress Relaionship ends the Affair. Adultry is all about themselves…Period.

I’m surprised at the many people who say “Don’t Tell” on here. And the many that say “As long as they confess their sins, don’t tell the spouse.”

Hello, don’t some of you realize that Jesus said what? **If you sin against someone you must go to them and ASK for their forgiveness. ** (Jesus didn’t promise that they would forgive you, just that you had to ASK them for forgiveness. It just might help if you pray tons before you ask them for forgiveness.)

Now those of you who say Don’t tell…let me ask this question…

How well does the Adutress know their Spouse? How do you know what their reaction is going to be? (Ok be fore warned this is a Trick Question.)

Better Yet how well did your Spouse know you? Did they ever dream that their Marriage Partner would cheat on them?

So you see know one knows what the other persons reaction is going to be until you tell them the Truth…and you owe them that.

My thoughts really don’t matter…but how can Anyone on this board “Stray” away from what Jesus said?

If you sin against someone you must go to them and ASK for their forgiveness.

 

[adelore]

Now I’ll give you my personal thoughts.

My X-husband had a 3 yr long affair on me. He never told me I found out. (believe me there are signs, if people want to admit to them or not.) I then asked him, of course he denied it. Later on I had to drop him something off at work. It didn’t take a brain surgen to figure out that he was having an affair with a woman at work.

When he got home that night, I told him he had 3 weeks to find another job out of the area (he had finished his college 6 months before and I couldn’t understand why he had turned down so many Great Job offers fresh out of college. and the job he had was not what he went to college for, it was a job he had gotten while he was in college.) and we needed to move if he wanted his marriage to work…that I was packing and taking the kids with me…I’d wait the 3 weeks and if he did nothing, I’d be gone. No yelling…just facts. I was hurt beyond words. I would return with the kids to the side of the state we were from. We had moved to the middle of the state and we both attended college, we had 2 children while we were in college. I finished my college first.

It wasn’t until I hit him with this that he admitted the affair. It had gone on for 3 years and through the pregnancy and birth of our 2 children. Our youngest was only 2 months old when I found out.

Needless to say within a week he had a job, we then moved 2 weeks later clear across the state I was relieved and thrilled. Yes I forgave him.

Four years and two more children later after the move, I started to get the feelings again that he was cheating… (really I got the feelings way before then, but I kept telling myself, it couldn’t be true and I was just feeling this way because of the “Old Hurt” ) I then found out my husband was having an afffair with the same woman! Unknown to me she moved too! And the affair never stopped it continued, although she didn’t work where he did anymore.

I then packed my and the childrens things and left him. The children and I moved back across the state to where I grew up. Our children were Very young then. Three days after I left him, he filed for divorce and had me served.

Fast forward to now over 19 years later and I’m re-married, my husband now helped me finished raising my children, (he’d never been married, nor has any children, although he did adopt mine.)

For almost 17 years now I’ve been married to him and I can honestly say if he were to come to me and tell me he’d commited Adultry and asked for forgiveness, I would forgive him and we’d work harder on our marriage. But if he comitted Adultry again…I’ll be honest…I’d be gone!

I will admit, I would forgive him even if he did it again…but the Trust and Oneness would be gone and I just couldn’t live with that.

 

[wonderkid1]

If you sin against someone you must go to them and ASK for their forgiveness.

Can you please give me where it says this in the bible directly. Not that i dont believe its there, i am just curious if this applies to all sins against someone. thanks

 

[brigid12]

Can a couple get through a situation like this? Yes, with God’s help, it’s possible. But the injured person still deserves the truth. At a very minumum, the injured person may have been exposed to an STD, and may choose to abstain from relations with the adulterer until proven clean of disease.

JMHO.

 

[hasikelee]

I was wondering if one had to ask for forgiveness from the spouse he/she committed adultery against before full forgiveness from God is granted? Or… is going to confession and asking God for forgiveness and repenting enough? If divorce was sure to follow after telling the spouse what should the adulterer do?

If, God forbid, DH cheated on me, I would want him to get to confession as soon as possible no matter what.

And I’d want him to tell me, too. I don’t think I would divorce over infidelity. But to the OP who asked, it seems terribly cowardly to hide that if you know your spouse would divorce over it.

ETA: I just read the thread. Wow. I hope those who are handing out some of this advice made sure their spouse agreed with their honesty policy* before* marriage!

www.marriagebuilders.com
www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[Wyatt]

Picturing myself in a situation like this, if I was the adulterer, I would tell my wife but I would arrange it to where the Priest was present when I told her…like maybe go to his office. Then, I would also immediately stress how sorry I was and mention to her that I had already confessed adultery prior to that.