Adultery & Remarriage

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Two years ago, my wife of 21 years disclosed to me she was having an affair with a married man whom she had met less than two months before. She made it very evident that she engaged in this affair to bring an end to our Catholic marriage. She said she wanted both a divorce and an annulment so that she could marry this man, who also happens to be Catholic, married twice, but only once in the Catholic Church. He never received an annulment from his first marriage. Due to the very public nature of her affair, my wife and I were divorced in only four months. After a six month discernment, and with no change in her attitude or behavior, I petitioned for a Decree of Nullity, which has since been instated. His second wife divorced him as well during this time.

My former wife has continued this relationship with her affair partner, and has unfortunately done so in front of our children, who now know in an age appropriate way why their parents are both divorced and annulled. He has already met her family, and they welcomed him, even before our annulment was decreed. This week she is meeting his family, which means an engagement is probably forthcoming. The fact that they may be marrying in and of itself does not bother me. I am no longer bound to her. But the example it sets for my children is the issue. It appears I am the only adult in the presence of my children who sees this relationship as illicit. Continuing in a relationship with an affair partner seems to demonstrate a continuing unrepentance for what was done to breakup two families and to bring an abrupt end for two marriages. I do not feel a divorce and an annulment undo what was done for this relationship to be. Odds are they will not be married in the Catholic Church as he would have to go through the annulment process. I am also concerned that this man, who has demonstrated he has a poor character will have access to my daughter, who is about to enter her teenage years, during the times she is with her mother.

Is my perception of this relationship and the example it sets for my children unreasonable? Any suggestions for how I can address this situation with my children and not show acceptance for what appears to be an illicit relationship?

Thank you for reading!
 
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XP-Servant said:
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You do not want to give the impression to your children that their mother is entering into a valid marriage. I suppose you could explain that both persons in a Catholic marriage must be free to marry first.
 
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Does the nature of how their relationship came to be have any factor in this? I know it is unlikely her affair partner would pursue an annulment, but their mother continues to pass it off as their father and she are both divorced and annulled. Therefore, what was done in the past has been nullified.
 
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I’m not sure how forthcoming you should be with your children about the cause of your divorce, but I do think they should be told that their mother is doing something immoral. This is an important, teachable moment for them to learn in a personal way why certain parts of Catholic marriage are so important. It’s gonna be on their minds in some way, so maybe you should start prodding to see if they’re open to learning about it.
 
Oof. I don’t really have any advice but you’ve really been through a lot. Sorry, man. Hope you are able to find some healing in all this.
 
My oldest is an adult. I am concerned for him as his mother wants him to be a part of this wedding even though no date has been set. My middle child has received his Confirmation, but is still a minor. My daughter has received First Communion but is several years from Confirmation.
 
Thank you! I have found a lot of resources for healing through my church and our diocese. I was actually quite surprised how much compassion was shown to me. I also went through Surviving Divorce and have been trained to become a divorce recover facilitator.
 
I’m sorry you’ve been through this too.

My advice, and I suspect you already know this, is to tread carefully. You don’t want to end up in a situation where your children feel as though they have to choose between you and their mother, or where they can play you off against each other.

I think, as hard as it is, leave as much of your personal opinion out as you can. Of course you can talk about the pain of your divorce, and I imagine they share that pain. But I would focus purely on “this is what the CC says about remarriage without an annulment” and let them form their own conclusions. I also wouldn’t question their mother’s partner in front of them, and any problems you experience take to her, don’t go through your children. I completely understand you don’t like her partner - as much as you can, don’t let this hurt your children’s relationships with their mother. Encourage them to be respectful, as much as possible.
XP-Servant said:
Continuing in a relationship with an affair partner seems to demonstrate a continuing unrepentance for what was done to breakup two families and to bring an abrupt end for two marriages.
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I totally understand this. I do believe in time your children will come to see this for themselves. Let your children know that you will always be there to listen and to talk to them, about whatever they need. I think following their lead is a good way to go with regards to talking about church teaching, and any other feelings over this situation.
 
Oh, those kids will probably dislike the step-dad (and therefore feel irritation with their mom, at least) without much help from you.
I would try to take the high road as much as possible.
 
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XP-Servant said:
Does the nature of how their relationship came to be have any factor in this? I know it is unlikely her affair partner would pursue an annulment, but their mother continues to pass it off as their father and she are both divorced and annulled. Therefore, what was done in the past has been nullified.
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You mean their mother is misrepresenting the facts?
 
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She is misrepresenting the facts in what she has told her children and the example she continues to set for them in what she has done. Initially she tried to deceive our children, telling them that she had only recently met this man. I felt compelled to tell them the truth in an age appropriate manner of who the man really is as I did not want them to establish a bond with him under false pretense. I also wanted them to be on guard for themselves and for each other.
 
I’d talk to the older two about church teaching, but the youngest one won’t understand at that age.
XP-Servant said:
I am concerned for him as his mother wants him to be a part of this wedding even though no date has been set.
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If you’ve raised them in the church and talk to them about marriage, this too shall pass.

Look, I know it seems like the end of the world, but my dad was married 4 times and has a live in girlfriend… I accept him as he is (because he’s not changing) without wanting that for myself or believing it’s the right way.

Your kids will be fine. Keep the lines of communication open with them
 
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1ke said:
I’d talk to the older two about church teaching, but the youngest one won’t understand at that age.
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XP-Servant:
I am concerned for him as his mother wants him to be a part of this wedding even though no date has been set.
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If you’ve raised them in the church and talk to them about marriage, this too shall pass.

Look, I know it seems like the end of the world, but my dad was married 4 times and has a live in girlfriend… I accept him as he is (because he’s not changing) without wanting that for myself or believing it’s the right way.

Your kids will be fine. Keep the lines of communication open with them
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Kids aren’t dumb.
The youngest child is old enough to know “Our family used to live together. Mommy and Daddy used to live together / love each other. Now everything’s a mess because Mommy wants to be married to Uncle Joe instead”. I would think she has a sense of what the church teaches about marriage.

I really am sorry for your situation. It is all too common, but still tragic for you and your family.
I can’t help but think that this other man is some narcissistic charmer, due to the way it all happened so fast.
 
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It appears my former wife is a covert narcissist, as she was publicly putting herself out there. Her personality and moral scope changed suddenly and overnight. She pretended to be a good and loving wife, literally until the final hour of our marriage. Her affair partner is apparently both a charmer and a player.

Thank you for your kind words and in responding!
 
It’s life. Relationships can be messy. It lends itself to a teachable moment and affords the children an opportunity to understand humanity and the very real risks they may face as they form relationships. If the kids are in danger, petition the court for more custody.

You’re doing a good job in caring for them. Keep it up!
 
How you speak of and relate to their mother and her fiancee teaches your kids how you will treat them if they sin. Be very cautious that you speak of people with respect and dignity.

Satan knows our name and calls us by our sins, Christ knows our sins and calls us by our name. Be Christ in this situation.
 
I know you will not want to hear this, but I will say it anyway. To me it sounds more as if your anger toward your former wife and her current partner is driving this need to explain what’s what with your kids. I get it, getting over a betrayal like that is going to be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to deal with.

The fact that they seem to be planning a happy future together when all you really want is for their lives to be as devastated as your’s is really bites. How can life be working out for them when they’ve been so sinful? It really isn’t fair. I know this because I’ve been there. It’s been a while but I remember how that felt.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to be the stable force in their lives. Let them know they can come to you with questions about what their mother is doing but let them come to you. Through all of this, she remains their mother and they love her. Do not get in the way of that. Find another outlet for your bitterness.
 
I cannot control how my temperament is perceived in messages, and I am sorry that you went through this as well. I can also suggest that your response comes off as accusatory, if not judgmental… Anger, Bitterness…

But I am the one asking for guidance here. So I will have to accept the criticisms along with the well-intended suggestions.

I will accept the advice you have given as it is in line with what others have suggested, not to to become a wedge between my children and their mother. I have done my best to make my home a conflict free environment for my children. The only time these matters are addressed is when they bring something up that concerns them, such as when the affair partner touched my daughter in what could be considered an inappropriate way (tickling her and making her feel uncomfortable).
 
I think you have hit the nail on the head. The OP has had a horrible experience but It will not help anyone to use religion as an excuse to sow seeds of dissent between the children and their mother, and will only lead to bitterness…If the mother has made a foolish mistake she will discover it soon enough, and meanwhile anything that smacks of sanctimonious point scoring will not be helpful to anyone involved…
 
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