Advice from priest during confession not to tell the truth

[Kindnessmatters]

The story could have been told among a few illustrative, fictional examples and not a “one time this guy confessed…”

I have heard this same scenario used generally as a “what if?” talking point in discussion, which avoids creating the “who was it?” game.

Of course, I have unfortunately never known most of the people in my parish and wouldn’t,t have a clue who might confess what anyway.

 

[mdgspencer]

.
I recall the story of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the actor. When he was governor of California, he told his wife he had been unfaithful. --then she divorced him.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I recall the story of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the actor. When he was governor of California, he told his wife he had been unfaithful. --then she divorced him.

That’s not exactly what happened. Arnold confessed to his wife after his wife confronted him with her suspicions that he had fathered a child with the housekeeper. The child was 14 years old and physically resembled Arnold, which led his wife to suspect it was his child and get the story out of the housekeeper. Arnold just confirmed it to his wife. After that, they separated and later divorced.

This is a classic example of what Fr. Inthepew said about how the wife may very well find out from some other source.

 

[JoeShlabotnik]

If the man had told his wife, it well could have ended in a divorce.
Is it morally right to clear one’s conscience at the expense of another person’s feelings? Quite the conundrum…

 

[Jen95]

If I had to guess how many times a priest has heard this sin confessed, I would guess probably a lot more than just one time.

 

[Elf01]

Is it morally right to clear one’s conscience at the expense of another person’s feelings? Quite the conundrum…

Personally I think that ‘not burdening the spouse’ is nothing more than an excuse. Burden is the cheating, not the knowledge, and you may also give them the burden of an STD or a child that resulted from the affair.

If the man had told his wife, it well could have ended in a divorce.

I suspect the real concern. I don’t think the cheater deserves a say. They chose to cheat, their spouse chooses whether or not they can remain living with them or would rather possibly remain single.

If you’re afraid your spouse will divorce you if you cheat, don’t cheat.

 

[InThePew]

Why would anyone assume the story was about someone they knew?

Basically because that’s human nature - we get curious and start trying to connect dots which may or may not be there. If a priest says something like “a long time ago in a galaxy far far away a person came to me for confession”, that’s one thing; but if he says “the other day/recently…” that’s another thing altogether. Even without putting a timeframe on it, people naturally get curious.

Does it really require a persons name for it to be breaking the seal of confession? I thought everything was under seal. Sorry, I find that disturbing even if it does skirt legal.

That’s the other problem - the “chilling effect”. The seal can be breached indirectly if there’s enough information given that someone can work out who it was. Besides that though, even if the person themselves isn’t present (and so won’t be thinking “he’s talking about me”) there is the risk that others will find it disturbing just like you do. To give you a slightly different example, before I was ordained a priest once came up to me at a function and said “do you remmebr me” I replied “no I don’t sorry Father” he then said “you came to me the other day for confession” and I thought to myself “won’t be doing that again!”

 

[meltzerboy2]

I think the priest asked the man all the right questions. The man said he loved his wife and that he was unfaithful only once. That makes all the difference. By telling his wife about this one occurrence, their marriage may be jeopardized, so there is, in my view, no reason to do so. It is not lying but rather concealing something that may be harmful to them both. If, however, the man repeats the behavior, a different course of action is necessary.

 

[Annie]

To give you a slightly different example, before I was ordained a priest once came up to me at a function and said “do you remmebr me” I replied “no I don’t sorry Father” he then said “you came to me the other day for confession” and I thought to myself “won’t be doing that again!”

Oh, i did not think this would be allowed!

Anyway, I see by the plethora of responses that I was wrong about this. I did not think people would try to work out who had confessed something and this seemed fairly routine and generic.

 

[Elf01]

The man said he loved his wife

Again, if you love somebody don’t cheat on them in the first place - and accept that if you do what happens next should be up to them.

 

[InThePew]

Oh, i did not think this would be allowed!

Strictly speaking it’s not forbidden, it is though an exceptionally bad idea!

 

[QwertyGirl]

Again, if you love somebody don’t cheat on them in the first place - and accept that if you do what happens next should be up to them

People make mistakes and have really poor judgement sometimes. It doesn’t have to be a deathnail. You deal with it.

No two couples are the same. I don’t think it is prudent to seek third party advice on this matter, unless the third party knows the husband and wife exceptionally well.

 

[JulianN]

By telling his wife about this one occurrence, their marriage may be jeopardized, so there is, in my view, no reason to do so.

The cheating jeopardized the marriage, not the telling.

 

[Elf01]

People make mistakes

And mistakes can have consequences.

For all who advocate not telling:

Have you children?
Have you encouraged them to hide it when they’ve done something wrong?

 

[thistle]

And mistakes can have consequences.

For all who advocate not telling:

Have you children?
Have you encouraged them to hide it when they’ve done something wrong?

If a husband makes the stupid mistake of having sex with another woman, and its one-off, and he deeply regrets it, goes to Confession and is absolved and will never do that again why on earth would anyone suggest he should tell his wife and destroy the family. That’s just plain ridiculous.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Have you children?
Have you encouraged them to hide it when they’ve done something wrong?

I have children. I encourage reparation when they do something wrong. Overtly lying about something you did that was wrong, is not something I encourage. But I don’t feel that another person is entitled to know of every wrongdoing I commit. It takes prudence to decide the best way to handle these situation. It includes taking into consideration the impact it is going to have on another person’s life.

We will have to agree to disagree.

 

[Elf01]

why on earth would anyone suggest he should tell his wife

Because I think she has a right to know and there is never a 100% guarentee she won’t find out.

I also think keeping a secret that big will effect the marriage.

 

[mythbuster1]

Of course, the flipside is that if he thinks not telling her would break up the marriage, he should tell her. It’s a judgment call that would be different for different couples. For all he knows, she already figured it out.

 

[thistle]

Because I think she has a right to know and there is never a 100% guarentee she won’t find out.

I also think keeping a secret that big will effect the marriage.

I disagree. I have a friend (no that is not code for me) who did this more than 10 years ago. He confessed, received absolution, has never done it again and his family life has flourished, without his wife knowing.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

These cheating threads are always classic examples of every poster imposing their own personal ideas and expectations of marriage into their posts and assuming marriages work the same way for everybody.
They don’t.

I think qwerty was right - if you don’t know the people involved intimately, like they’re your sister or your BFF for 20 years, just leave it alone, don’t give advice.