Advice needed concerning sexual purity

[aeddyblouin]

Of course, if a past affair had produced a child, or if one had caught a contagious disease, then it would have to be discussed. Even then, though, details would be kept to a minimum.

It is only responsible to ask a prospective spouse to undergo teasting if they have had sexual contact (even if it wasn’t all out intercourse).

Im all for inviting people on confession dates, and filling them in on the teaching of the Church. When we have guests who are less than faithfull catholics, I make a point to say they should feel no obligation to receive the Eucharist, ans DH and I will periodically abstain when we feel the need to go to confession first. Seems and easy way to be clear on the signifigance on receiving, and has had good response.

Only date to find a husband–otherwise just be friends. AEB

 

[JDS2oo6]

OhioBob:

You might wish to consider discussing this issue with a trusted priest or counselor. I think there are a great many women out there who are worthy of forgiveness and love despite past sins (repented, of course), and who might be the perfect mate for you. However, you have closed yourself off from any consideration of someone who is not immaculate and impeccable.

That is a rather judgemental position and an incredibly high standard for a prospective mate to attain. I have been married for nearly 20 years to a wonderful woman who is my wife and soulmate, and mother to my children. If either she or I had had your attitude 20 years ago, I never would have experienced the joy and love that I know enjoy.

I will pray for you and I hope you take this post in the manner that I intend it.

Blessings.

Thanks for the advice OhioBob. But still, I’m looking for the mutual commitment/ morality. I’m holding myself to the same standard that I’m holding a potential mate to. No hypocrisy here.

But what’s so difficult about being a virgin? I really don’t understand. I’m a guy, a 20 yr old guy (guys have a stronger sex drive), who is attracted to females and females are attracted to yet I can claim I’m a virgin. Why can’t girls, who take on the less sexually-aggressive role just cool their jets, so to speak?

I’m tellin’ ya, the Catholic mail-order brides from the Phillippines is starting to sound like a really good idea…maybe they’ll have stronger integrity

 

[Bernard_Jones]

JDS2oo6,

Please don’t use the term “mail order bride”; it is demeaning, and trivialises the relationships of people who have met their spouse through an introduction agency. I used to use the term myself, but learned how hurtful it can be when I offended a Philipina friend.

As for holding people to the same standard as you hold yourself, imagine the following: You are seriously considering marriage with a wonderful, virgin, Catholic lady, when she tells you that she cannot possibly marry someone who has succumbed to the sin of (INSERT YOUR PARTICULAR WEAKNESS HERE).

It is wonderful that you have not been tested beyond your means in a sexual way, but be wary of becoming complacent, and thinking that it will therefore be easy in the future. C. S. Lewis once said that some people believe that they are above certain sins, when in reality they are below them. That is a clever way of saying that one cannot claim credit for a virtue that has not been truly tested.

I may be misrepresenting you here, and I apologise if that is the case. As Catholics, we value sex so highly that we regard sexual sin as particularly henious. In reality, there are other sins that are equally horrific. If you were to be given a choice between a wonderful, forgiven, Catholic lady who had had had sex once, and a wonderful, forgiven, Catholic lady who had been a witch once, would the virgin come up trumps there? I am speaking tongue in cheek, but it is worth thinking about.

Peace,

Bernard.

 

[ohca]

pittsburghjeff:

All you need to do is scan this board for all the posts of women out there struggling with non-spiritual or non-Catholic husbands and that is all the evidence you need to hold out for a spouse that is a serious Catholic. Don’t compromise with a wishy-washy Catholic or a protestant - it’s not worth it.
And forget about “missionary” dating. Don’t try and convert someone while you are dating. Convert him first and then date him.

I know too many people who are in rough marriages because they ignored someone’s religious beliefs while dating and then fell in love with that person. Once you are in love, it’s too late.

Boy oh boy, do I agree with this.

The problem is not with his past sin (we all have them… and mine were pretty bad), but with his lukewarm attitude towards the faith (you said he doesn’t fully practice his faith). I cannot tell you how much heartache I have seen because devout women chose a lukewarm man. It is something to really think about, because the problems that come down the line are not easily overcome. I’d say find yourself a devout Catholic man who has the same vision of life and marriage and Church that you do. You will not be sorry. Check out Ave Maria singles online. They are fabulous, and you won’t have to compromise.

God bless!

 

[OhioBob]

ohca:

Boy oh boy, do I agree with this.
I cannot tell you how much heartache I have seen because devout women chose a lukewarm man. It is something to really think about, because the problems that come down the line are not easily overcome. I’d say find yourself a devout Catholic man who has the same vision of life and marriage and Church that you do. You will not be sorry. Check out Ave Maria singles online. They are fabulous, and you won’t have to compromise.
God bless!

Rachel25:
I would echo ohca’s sentiment. I think the differences between the way the two of you approach your faith are far more significant than past sin. We are all called to “repent and believe in the Gospel”. Many have the repentence thing down but have problems with the “believing”. We have all sinned. I’m sure the awareness of his sin against chastity has been a shock and it does reflect a weakness on his part (many of us have probably been there too). However, since it occurred before you were dating you should not consider that failing to be a personal insult to you and your position on chastity. The larger issue is his commitment to his faith.

I agree with the others who have said that your concern should be less with his past sin and more with his future faith - and how that faith will support or impede your own and that of your future family together.

Blessings.

 

[OhioBob]

JDS2oo6:

But what’s so difficult about being a virgin? I really don’t understand. I’m a guy, a 20 yr old guy (guys have a stronger sex drive), who is attracted to females and females are attracted to yet I can claim I’m a virgin. Why can’t girls, who take on the less sexually-aggressive role just cool their jets, so to speak?..

I vaguely remember being 20… Even though I have 25 years on you, I have a couple of thoughts to offer (us old guys like to offer thoughts to you young guys…

Like you, I was a virgin at 20 and fully expected to remain that way until marriage, but I failed in that regard. I can’t recall exactly what caused the failure. Love is a strange and terrible thing sometimes. I salute your commitment thus far and I pray you will be able to hold fast to your convictions regarding your personal chastity.

I can’t speak for the challenges to chastity that women face, however, I would venture to guess that they are more profound than ours. Not only do women need to “cool their jets” as you say, they also have to “cool ours”. Some may have tried and failed on one or both counts. Their reasons and their regrets are known only to them. Love can cloud judgement more than any drug. None of us know what is in another’s heart or the challenges that they faced before we knew them.

I still think your position that any woman with a sexual sin in her past is disqualified from consideration as your future mate is self-centered and uncharitable. In effect you are saying “God may have forgiven you, and on one level I have forgiven you (as long as you don’t expect to get too close to me), however, you are now permanently stained in my sight and unworthy of me.” Somehow that doesn’t sound very Christ-like.

I would also counsel you that if you continue to maintain that position, you had better get the whole virginity issue on the table as early in a relationship as possible. Such as, “Hi I’m JDS2006, are you still a virgin?” I say that with tongue only slightly in cheek.

As an earlier poster noted, an individual’s sexual history is usually not the first discussion topic as people enter into a potential relationship. It tends to come up much later, after a comfortable rapport develops and often after some initial feelings have developed between the parties. If your approach is going to be to drop this “virginity bomb” on women to disqualify them from your consideration, you had better drop it early. To do so after they may have already begun to develop feelings for you is to risk delivering major insult and hurt to someone who doesn’t deserve it. In this, yours would seem to be the greater sin.

To the woman accused of adultery, Christ said “…neither do I judge you. Go, and sin no more”. We all should offer each other as much.

I pray that age gives you insight. And mercy.

Blessings.

 

[Rachel25]

Wow! I didn’t ever think that I would get so many responses! Thank you for all the wonderful advice and words of encouragement.

JDS, I will admit, at first I had the same outlook on his past that you would (this was partly because after being friends with him for 3 years, I thought I knew him so well… etc.)… after a week of speaking to friends that have had sex before and know how important saving myself until marriage is to me, and other methods of getting my feelings and emotions out of my way of clear thinking (by writing, drawing…), I have a new and deeper realization of Jesus’ words to love the person and not the sin. The past is the past, the present the present, and the future is what we make of it. We just have to let go and let God touch our lives in every way He possibly can.

In response to what OhioBob has said to JDS, in my past relationships I did the “drop the virgin bomb” on like the second date! The reason why is because, I wanted the man I was dating to know my position in this relationship in the hopes that he would not pressure me physically. Although he knew, and many times I would stop things and redefine my boundaries over and over again, he did not seem to get the hint. Being my first ever relationship, I didn’t realize how hurtful this was to me until we broke up after 6 months. The same thing happened in my second relationship, and that ended after 6 weeks. In response to OhioBob’s comment, it’s really hard to not only cool down your jets, but to also cool down those of the other person involved. I, at first, would try and do both and eventually started asking him to help me cool him down… and when that didn’t work, I knew in order to protect my purity I would have to stop seeing him. With my current boyfriend, this has never been an issue. He has never pushed me physically, and I know that he never will. Now, after this week, I’ve put my rationale back into perspective and realize that this is more important to me than dating a virgin that won’t cease to push me.

In respose to what some other people wrote regarding not ever asking about a person’s past… I totally see the validity in these comments! For me personally, I see the past as something important in the creation of a person and so, I always try to seek it out when looking at a man I could marry. You can learn a lot from a person’s past… In the past (haha), it has not been a problem accepting the man that I’m dating’s history. I think it was so difficult this time around because of the high hopes I hold for our future.

I have a few more points of advice that I would like to seek and other comments I want to write but, I’ve gotta get a goin’. I’ll write those thoughts down later on today.

 

[Ellen_Marie]

The Rigbys:

This advice came from a very holy and respected priest. He pointed out that our past sins, sexual or otherwise, aren’t anyone else’s business. Therefore, we have no obligation to reveal them to anyone. To reveal sexual sins to a fiance or spouse would be most imprudent, as it could lead to the jealousy or “disgusting images” that a previous poster talked about.

If someone asked outright, “are you a virgin?,” the priest recommended making use of a mental reservation – a vague or equivocal statement, intended to mislead.

Mislead your fiance(e)?!! We’re talking about marriage here. And the “anyone else” is your future spouse. Yes, the sin has been forgiven by God, and the eternal consequences wiped away. However, sins have earthly consequences, and sexual sin has several consequences that can directly impact a marriage. These include but are not limited to: children, diseases (including some with no symptoms and no reliable testing), and having shared one’s body completely with another person. This may not preclude marriage, but I think that people can put any restrictions they wish on choosing a spouse. Marriage is to important to try to pretend to accept out of generosity what we cannot internally accept. What is required is honesty. Therefore, I believe that marriage-minded adults should discuss make-or-break issues early in the relationship. Thus there is no stringing along, no judgment of the individual. Simply an honest discussion of what one can deal with and what one cannot. We must all strive to be holy, but when we are not there yet we must admit our weaknesses and deal honestly with others.

Ellen

 

[The_Rigbys]

Ellen Marie:

Mislead your fiance(e)?!! We’re talking about marriage here. And the “anyone else” is your future spouse.

Yes, but he or she is still another human being. Even in marriage, some things remain private – just between you and God.

The same priest also said that each spouse should make sure to keep a personal prayer life. (This would be in addition to the couple’s joint prayer life, of course.) He advised especially against sharing too much extemporaneous prayer, as this is our private conversation with God.

I heard this while on a retreat. A devout Catholic couple, who had been married for many years, were also present. They concurred with the priest’s advice. It was news to me, but after having been married for a little while myself, I started to see their point. “Sharing” isn’t always the most prudent course of action.

…] consequences that can directly impact a marriage. These include but are not limited to: children, diseases (including some with no symptoms and no reliable testing), and having shared one’s body completely with another person.

Your first two examples are the ones I gave as exceptions. (If a person thought he might have a dormant disease, he could wait until the incubation period was over, then get tested. If he were still concerned about the possibility, he could tell his fiancee.) I’m not sure what to make of your third example, though. Would the “damaged goods” concept also apply to a person who was widowed, or a victim of sexual abuse or assault?

This may not preclude marriage, but I think that people can put any restrictions they wish on choosing a spouse.

To repeat what others have said, a person should be up-front about any such restrictions early on. It seems like this would take care of the problem. After all, if someone were to say, “I only want to marry a virgin,” then I doubt a non-virgin would want to marry that person anyway.

Mrs. R

 

[Ellen_Marie]

The Rigbys:

Yes, but he or she is still another human being. Even in marriage, some things remain private – just between you and God.

Still-lying or misleading is an error. If a partner does not want to discuss this issue, he should say so. To give a “vague response intended to mislead” is to ask for trouble later should the facts become available by some other route.
The Rigbys:

I heard this while on a retreat. A devout Catholic couple, who had been married for many years, were also present. They concurred with the priest’s advice. It was news to me, but after having been married for a little while myself, I started to see their point. “Sharing” isn’t always the most prudent course of action.

I still disagree. Priests and devout Catholics say all kinds of things (just look at some of the other threads!). This plan of dishonesty would be unacceptable amongst my peers.
The Rigbys:

Your first two examples are the ones I gave as exceptions. (If a person thought he might have a dormant disease, he could wait until the incubation period was over, then get tested. If he were still concerned about the possibility, he could tell his fiancee.)

Must tell his fiancee. As I said, for some diseases, there is no testing.
The Rigbys:

I’m not sure what to make of your third example, though. Would the “damaged goods” concept also apply to a person who was widowed, or a victim of sexual abuse or assault?

Of course. Once the couple understands the situation, they can make decisions for themselves. Sexual abuse or assault, of course, is not sexual sin on the part of the victim, nor is widowhood related to sexual sin, but these certainly can impact his/her future marriage.
The Rigbys:

To repeat what others have said, a person should be up-front about any such restrictions early on. It seems like this would take care of the problem. After all, if someone were to say, “I only want to marry a virgin,” then I doubt a non-virgin would want to marry that person anyway.

Right. This is why they must discuss the issue!

Ellen

 

[Ellen_Marie]

By the way, I have great respect for our priests and I think they deserve our support and prayers, and not the petty squabbling and disrespect so often seen today. However, I do disagree with this opinion which is a quote by a third party from an unnamed priest.

Ellen

 

[Princess_Abby]

Hi Rachel!

I read the posts in response to your question, and I would like to share a little bit with you…

I am 24 years old, one month younger than my husband. We married in August of 2003, so our one year anniversary is soon to be upon us. We are very blessed and our love for one another grows each day. I continually discover that my love for my spouse grows each and every day.

My husband and I met in a very unusual way. I was, at the time, living in Kansas and wanting to relocate to Philadelphia (to live with a female friend and experience a different environment). I began perusing different Catholic sites and communities on AOL, Yahoo, etc., in hopes of finding connections and job leads in ministry. (I sought to be a youth minister.)

As it happened, I came across my future husband’s email address on one of these sites and emailed him with a litany of questions. He was extremely helpful and we corresponded through email and instant messenger for quite some time. As I began applying for jobs, our friendship continued to grow and he asked if I would consider speaking on the phone. I knew him to be a very devout Catholic full of zeal and absolutely adherent to the teachings of the Church. We began speaking on the phone, having wonderfully inspirational discussions about our common beliefs and deep love of Jesus and His Church.

It was so refreshing for me to encounter a man with a true sense of Catholic, MASCULINE, spirituality. He had an absolute conviction about the need for a husband to lead his wife and be the spiritual leader of the family. Even as our friendship progressed and I eventually met him after I relocated, he automatically took the lead in our prayer life together, despite the fact that we were simply dating.

to be continued on next post…

 

[Princess_Abby]

One thing that immediately struck me in my relationship with my future husband was the fact that we were truly evenly yoked. Gone was the anxiety about being able to keep my purity, as I knew this man was as committed to keeping mine as he was his own. As spouses are called to guard each other’s souls and “get the other to heaven,” so to speak, it was such a witness to me when I was able to see him take up this duty with a determined stance, even as we were in the early stages of getting to know each other.

Rachel, you deserve a warrior for your soul. You need a man who is as spiritually devoted to the Church and Her teachings as YOU are. I agree that the sins of his past are not so much an issue as to where he is NOW, being present to you in your relationship. The sin of lukewarmness is one that affects many. I am so grateful that my husband is so passionate about our faith and strives to live it in all that he does or says. I have every confidence in his ability to be a father someday, as he puts his relationship with God first and truly tries to seek His will in all things.

I speak to you with the experience of having dated MANY unworthy men before I met my husband. I was determined to find the man that God had ordained for me outside of all time, the man whom He had called me to join for all of eternity. But I often found myself disappointed with the prospects. Often men were “open” to my beliefs, my virginity, my desire to live in the Church and raise a Catholic family. Truly, many men had a “fascination” about my convictions. But did they wholly share them? No. Might they have coverted and lived faithfully beside me and led our family with spiritual strength? Maybe…but, maybe not. I’m glad I didn’t risk it by becoming overly involved with a person who didn’t meet the desires that God Himself placed in my heart.

Remember that your spouse will be your TANGIBLE EXAMPLE OF GOD HERE ON EARTH. It is through him that you will acheive sanctification. Look hard for the man whom you will be indissoluably united in Christ with–don’t settle.

In Christ,
Abby

P.S. As a side note, I find the notion of not discussing one’s history or lack there of with your future spouse to be utterly irreponsible and dangerous. Details may not be neccessary, but information is.

 

[CARose]

Abby,

Your post is absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I recall the pain of wanting to be in a relationship, desiring a family soooo much and despairing that I would ever find a husband, let alone one “worthy”.

I wish I had placed my faith in Christ, rather than in my own ability to get out there and find “the right guy”. I am married to a wonderful man who has spent the past 7 years absolutely furious at me for stepping off the career track to spend time raising our daughter. And the large family I wanted is a single child (she’s awesome, by the way!)

The unequalness of our yolk at this point in our marriage is a terrible strain, but I recognize that it is our responsibility to attain salvation for our spouse. So, I have tried to learn to accept his anger as one way in which God is using him to sanctify me. I’m am working to better understand Charity within our home. And I pray unceasingly for my improved condition and for my husbands willingness to accept the reality of a loving God.

Had we taken the pre-cana courses, had we done a discernment similar to that a friend of mine just went through when she and her husband were courting… (an old word, but I think it beautifully evokes the image of two people innocently getting to know one another rather than rush into a lifelong commitment.) I know that there are many things I could have, should have, done differently.

So, I now work to save my marriage from the inside. I work hard to remember that God’s love is infinite, and in His infinite wisdom, this is the lesson I needed to conquer my pride and my lack of charity, chastity and obedience.

I would recommend to every one here who is on the outside of marriage, take your time, discern, discern, discern. God wants only the absolute best for you, but sometimes that means waiting until you are ready according to God’s plan.

Oh, and someone here commented that the hard part isn’t knowing about Chastity, but doing it. For that, and all aspects of improving oneself, I highly recommend the sacrament of reconcilliation!!! God’s Graces are REAL! Heck, take advantage of what He has offered us in His love!

Sincerely with Christ,

CARose

 

[Princess_Abby]

Dear CARose,
My heart goes out to you. I think it takes a lot of honesty and courage to admit not only to ourselves, but to others, when life or certain circumstances within a situation don’t (or have not yet) turn(ed) out the way we would wish.

I would feel so conflicted in your situation. I’m sure your husband loves you very much and yet is concerned about…finances? Sharing equal bread-winning responsibility? It must be difficult to remain true to your God-given desires in such a (what I am guessing, from your post) hostile environment.

One thing I might encourage you to do is go to counseling. My new husband and I have had to deal with quite a bit of malicious behavior and anger from his parents over a variety of random issues. We prayed very hard for God to guide us in our interactions with them and we finally felt compelled to receive professional support. There is a website, catholictherapists.com where you can look up your city and state to locate a psychologist who shares your beliefs and values. (All of these therapists respond to statements concerning Church teaching and you can see for yourself where they stand on certain pivotal issues.) It has been such a relief and very affirming to be washed in God’s love through the grace of this wonderful therapist He has given to us. It provides such an outlet of clarity when certain issues or disagreements–such as what you and your husband may be experiencing about your individual “spousal roles”. Perhaps your husband has certain wounds in his soul that causes him to lash out in anger when in reality he is panicking due to having grown up without “enough,” or for a litany of other reasons. I truly believe we are all born with a generous spirit, and when we act out of fear or anger, it’s due to a specific motivation–not malice. Regardless, it may give you some helpful insight or at least an opportunity to build your marriage more. Even if he doesn’t want to go, go by yourself! The last thing you want is this affecting your daughter in the future, either…“Mommy and Daddy fight because Mommy stays home with me…”

Also–I don’t know if you’ve heard of or practice NFP (Natural Family Planning), but it is such a gift–we are called to sacrifical love and it is a way to love your spouse and communicate with him or her each day in a very intimate way. Sacrificing for one another can truly build such a spirit of love between two broken people caught in a tug of war.
Abby

 

[CARose]

Thank you Abby for the care and attention you took in responding to my post.

We tried the marriage counseling route. He quit and won’t go back, but it’s not only his fault. I, in the surity of my position, was not Charitable in my dealings with him during the sessions.

Also, our counselor was a fallen-away Catholic. She changed religions to get married and she’s worked to support herself and her children from her first marriage. Rather than taking an impartial position and allowing us to determine what would work for us, she stated that I need to work. I would look at her in utter disbelief that she would impose her world view on us in a counseling session, but that’s how it went. In such an environment, I merely got more set in the defense of my position. Finally, my dh refused to continue the process. He saw that I was unwilling to change my position but neither was he willing to provide the support I desired. He’d decreased his earning significantly, partially due to circumstances but also significantly due to his anger at being expected to take responsibility for our family.

We’re in a small town, so there aren’t many options. I’ve tried repeatedly to get my dh into Retrovaille to no avail, in the meantime, I am getting assistance from a counselor (a non-practicing Catholic - there are no faithful Catholics here in counseling) and my pastor is my spiritual advisor. He’s committed to the faith and faithful to the magesterium. I am blessed to have him on my team, but I have also had to take a hard look at myself through the sacrament of reconcilliation. (But he’s gone for 6 weeks to visit family oversees.)

It’s difficult but marriage is meant to be fruitful and I believe that if we all remain true to our position in life, God will bless each of us greatly.

At this point, any prayers that can be said for my marriage and all marriages that are struggling, either at the beginning of their relationship, at any point because of failure to properly discern and communicate openly on the things that matter most or marriages in trouble due to a trauma, would be most welcome.

God Bless, and may you all continue to strive to incorporate the teachings of the Church into your lives and may God may Bless you abundantly.

Love

CARose

 

[allthewhile]

wait for a strong catholic man. you deserve to be loved by someone who will make you more holy!

 

[CARose]

Yes AllTheWhile,

I think that’s the reason I’ve shared my story here.

We all deserve to receive the fullness of what God wants for us. But to get it, we need to wait and allow God to provide. We don’t sit by idly expecting him to do all the work, but neither to we push when things aren’t going our way.

I saw a beautiful quote twice yesterday that perhaps says it best, “Pray as though only God can make it happen and work as though it requires all your effort” hmm, that doesn’t sound quite right, and on quick perusal, I haven’t located the source, so take it as a poor paraphrase.

Remember, we can only take advantage of an opportunity if we are best prepared for it. This means you don’t spend your time running around trying to find the best opportunities for meeting a mate. Rather you spend your time learning how to be the best possible spouse. How are you doing with Faith, Hope and most especially Charity?

Oh yeah, and that most important of all, Humility? Humility is one virtue you will find all the Saints refer to as the cornerstone of their Faith, Hope and Charity. For when we truly come to understand that Christ provides us with all that is good, how can we continue to take credit for that which we received as a gift, a free will offering from a God who loves us beyond even our ability to comprehend such love.

If we understand this, we need to leave behind our pride, for how are we to lay claim to the incredible accomplishments we’ve made. If they are for the Glory of God, it is because he gave us the Charism necessary. If they are talents, even these come from God. But what about our efforts, you might ask? All the effort in the world would come to naught if not for the love of God. But yes, our efforts are necessary. And God knows of them. And he’s the one to judge our heart when it truly matters.

So take pride in your love of God and the effort you know you’ve given for him. But try not to seek your reward for it here or you may be squandering your inheritance, your heavenly reward.

CARose

P.S. am I coming across preachy? I don’t mean to, it’s only that I’ve really had to learn this stuff the hard way, and if there is any way I can share my experiences and spare anyone some of my pain, please let me help. I hope I never need to return to the world of being single, so all this experience needs to benefit someone!

 

[Ourladyguadalup]

Rachel25:

He’s Catholic, **but not completely practicing ** and I’ve spoken to him about how the Church views premarital relations. I’m seeking advice on what to say to him, how I should act, what I should do in light of the Church’s teachings… etc.

I do not want to come across as rude or uncaring, because I do understand and have been in your shoes…You know he is not completely practicing…**do not ** start a relationship with him Cool it NOW! It is a very common thing for a less seriously devout or not devout at all young man to say what he thinks you want to hear, be what he thinks you want him to be…

When you do all the talking, You are giving him the clues, so that he knows what to say to please or appease you. Back off a bit…don’t mention things about faith as much…will he? Is he going to Mass on his own or only when you remind him or ask him. Is he doing any reading on spiritual matters, seem excited to know more & learn about what the Church teaches. If he is sincerely, ON HIS OWN, doing some of that, then perhaps a dating relationship COULD occur in the future, but if not, I’d say cut him loose before you develop strong feelings for him. We usually know deep down in our hearts…but just cant admit it to ourselves.

No one is perfect, everyone has made some kind of mistake, but he should be the one telling you “Yes I made some mistakes, I am truly sorry and am now committed to chastity…” and more importantly “…here’s how I’m going to make sure I don’t slip into that sin again…”

 

[bes435]

Rachel25:

My current boyfriend and I have known each other for three years, and have been dating for the past two months. From years ago, he’s known that I will remain sexually pure until marriage. Three years ago, I knew that he was a virgin and I had assumed that he still was until just recently when I asked (just to make sure), and it turns out that he is not a virgin. He has only committed the act once about a year ago. I’m still in shock, sad, and confused about the entire situation, and I’m not entirely sure how to handle it. He’s Catholic, but not completely practicing and I’ve spoken to him about how the Church views premarital relations. I’m seeking advice on what to say to him, how I should act, what I should do in light of the Church’s teachings… etc.

Thank you for your help and time!

Certainly it depends on your relationship and other factors; however, remember what the sex is all about–it is the marital act between two people who’ve committed themselves for life to each other. If you get married to him, and when you have sex with him, you are going to be thinking about the other “flings” he’s had. Chances are though that he has had sex more than one time–the saying goes–once you start you can’t stop. It also says something about his level of self-control. Yes, we all sin and he may be forgiven for his eternal sin. Yet, the temporal punishment for premarital sex still remains–marital contact outside of marriage. It will affect your relationship for the rest of your life. Also–marriages in which both people are virgins at the start, and who use natural family planning, are 99.9% likely to succeed in their marriages. Stick to your values and find someone who shares them; it is having respect for yourself.