Advice needed from the GUYS ( For men only)

[Mayita30]

I’m not a man, but I’ve read the thread and I’m going to stick up for the OP and other single Catholics because a few years ago I was one myself and I think it’s far too easy to forget what it was like.

Attending Mass with your family and friends is very different from attending as a single person in a new parish. If you’ve never had to do it (regularly) then please just trust me on this! Of course, our focus should be on the Eucharist and the joy of coming to Mass, but for anyone who is already perhaps feeling a little lonely and downhearted about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, it can also be a profoundly isolating experience if you let your focus lapse.

I can confirm as a married woman, my concentration can still lapse now and then during Mass, but maybe that’s just me!!!

As a single 30-something, or even 20-something, especially living away from family and friends (or at least, Catholic friends) it can feel just plain lonely being a Catholic and being single. I want to congratulate the OP for having the guts to go to Mass alone every Sunday and stick to her values because we don’t do that enough for our single, young Catholics.

Of course it’s easy to fall into a sort of speculative daydream about someone who is male, a suitable age and actually attends Mass and even takes an active role in the parish. For many Catholic singles, that’s like the Holy Grail Yes, it’s wrong to get carried away with the daydream and to speculate and wonder and let those amorous feelings grow, but that definitely does not deserve to be labelled ‘odd’ or ‘weird’ or symptomatic of some sort of communication disorder. The man in question, likewise, does not deserve to be labelled a ‘creep’ for doing his job.

What about the other parishoners? Have any of them stopped for a chat or done anything to make the OP feel welcome? If not, they ought to!

Looking at all this another way: I attend Mass without my husband because of his work commitments and my commitment to other relatives who are in need (and that particular Mass is the only time I get to see them) I wear my ring with pride and I’m 100% committed to my marriage.

If I noticed a single man or woman close to my age group (and I’m in my 40s but still a youngster compared to most parishoners) who was new to the church, I’d go and say hello and at least give them an encouraging smile because in a few years’ time, most of the congregation will be dead and I want to keep the parish going and have some support! Maybe the man in the OP’s post is just trying to be friendly and figuring out how to introduce himself and help her find her way in the parish without coming over as too enthusiastic and being misinterpreted?

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful posts. I do not understand why some people have the need to posts rude things on here…If people posts here asking for help, be charitable enough to understand them, don’t judge and look at different viewpoints…There are still other things which he did which I haven’t mentioned here but I am not accusing him of anything and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and to the poster who said I should respect him because of the wedding ring…I wouldn’t be posting on here If I don’t respect a wedding ring…

I have requested men to answer these forums because I wanted opinions from Catholic men. I do not see anything wrong with that…However, I have recieve comments from a wife of a widower and from Rose which I find very thoughtful…thank you very much

Other comments which describe me as ODD, OBSSESSED and making the guy as Creep is no help at all.also comments saying I am not respecting the wedding ring has no place for that here… Go look for someone you can pick and fight because I am not interested in that…

 

[Lorelei12]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful posts. I do not understand why some people have the need to posts rude things on here…If people posts here asking for help, be charitable enough to understand them, don’t judge and look at different viewpoints…There are still other things which he did which I haven’t mentioned here but I am not accusing him of anything and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and to the poster who said I should respect him because of the wedding ring…I wouldn’t be posting on here If I don’t respect a wedding ring…

I have requested men to answer these forums because I wanted opinions from Catholic men. I do not see anything wrong with that…However, I have recieve comments from a wife of a widower and from Rose which I find very thoughtful…thank you very much

Other comments which describe me as ODD, OBSSESSED and making the guy as Creep is no help at all.also comments saying I am not respecting the wedding ring has no place for that here… Go look for someone you can pick and fight because I am not interested in that…

I don’t really see any uncharitable posts on here; just people trying to help you. If there is information that has been left out of your description, no one can really help. I would find it disrespectful if someone was interested in my husband, despite his clearly visible wedding ring, and was fantasizing that I was deceased.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

The man in question, likewise, does not deserve to be labelled a ‘creep’ for doing his job.

The observation was that he wasn’t really doing his job.
An usher on the job doesn’t:

• single out young single females for special attention:
• stand behind their seat for lengthy periods of time during mass to daydream or smell her perfume
• stalk her at a distance after mass from a distance
• stare at her for long periods of time
• seems to feel no shame when found by her to stare so.

On the other hand if he was interested, available and as mature as Marita (30 or so) he would have:

• overcome any possible shyness by a by means of developing small talk by now
  (BTW ushers are not usually chosen for their lack of social skills)
• definitely have dropped the ring.
• be a little more disciplined and modest with his eyes, especially after being caught out its hard to excuse the daydreaming or loneliness (if he even is a widower).
• invited our poster to the hall for a cuppa, presumably the Church has some such socialising now and then.

So while the guy could be OK, the actions described by our poster set off my “creepy behaviour” flashing red light and I would not want him anywhere near my single teen daughter.

I am a guy, us older ones understand our tendencies better as to what crosses the line in appropriate behaviour under different circumstances. Our wives keep telling us so even if we pretend otherwise!

Do I have any backup here gents or is my compass confused by stray magnetism or age .

 

[Mayita30]

I don’t really see any uncharitable posts on here; just people trying to help you. If there is information that has been left out of your description, no one can really help. I would find it disrespectful if someone was interested in my husband, despite his clearly visible wedding ring, and was fantasizing that I was deceased.

and you call yourself Catholic?

WOW !!! this is one of the reasons why I wanted opinions from men !!!

There have been more people who have helped me in this thread and I say thank you to them!!!

Some people cannot seem to clearly understand when a person needs help…Go and look for someone to pick on or ACCUSE of fantasizing of your husband!!! GOOD BYE!

 

[Mayita30]

The observation was that he wasn’t really doing his job.
An usher on the job doesn’t:

• single out young single females for special attention:
• stand behind their seat for lengthy periods of time during mass to daydream or smell her perfume
• stalk her at a distance after mass from a distance
• stare at her for long periods of time
• seems to feel no shame when found by her to stare so.

On the other hand if he was interested, available and as mature as Marita (30 or so) he would have:

• overcome any possible shyness by a by means of developing small talk by now
  (BTW ushers are not usually chosen for their lack of social skills)
• definitely have dropped the ring.
• be a little more disciplined and modest with his eyes, especially after being caught out its hard to excuse the daydreaming or loneliness (if he even is a widower).
• invited our poster to the hall for a cuppa, presumably the Church has some such socialising now and then.

So while the guy could be OK, the actions described by our poster set off my “creepy behaviour” flashing red light and I would not want him anywhere near my single teen daughter.

I am a guy, us older ones understand our tendencies better as to what crosses the line in appropriate behaviour under different circumstances. Our wives keep telling even if we pretend otherwise!

Do I have any backup here gents or is my compass confused by stray magnetism or age .

Hey Blue

Thanks for your adivces. I really appreciate it. One time after church, everybody was gone. So, I was alone in the pew saying my rosary I was seated at that time. It was so quiet at church, nobody was there anymore and then suddenly, I heaerd a little kid behind me saying " Why are you just standing there?"…The voice of man stuttered to answer the little kid, he was there behind me all along

I do have my reasons why I feel he is giving me special attention and I do not want to dwell on that because of the RING !!! If indeed he is a widower, then he is not ready to date but either way, I want to protect myself from any future heartaches

I also don’t want to categorize him as a creep. He seems like a sweet man. I just cant understand his actions. Other ushers arent like that…ANyway I will take the the necessary steps to avoid him next Sunday.

 

[edwest2]

Hello

It’s been a while since I logged in here since I have been very busy with my master’s degree. Anyway I am here to ask an advice from our catholic gentleman here because I just don’t know what to do with this situation. I recently move to this small town for my master’s degree and looked for a new parish. This happened sometime around September last year…

Anyway, I will get straight to the point. I have been going to mass to this new parish and there I always , always sit at the last row, the same spot every Sunday. The first few Sundays were normal, nothing out of the ordinary but sometime around in November, one of the Church’s ushers seems to always go out his way to shake my hand, grab my attention, be behind me during communion…This has happened evesince he noticed me and even today it is still happening…it wasn’t like that in my first month there in the Church.

I did not mind it at first and I just place him in the category of another guy I am not interested in. However, as he kept on doing these things every Sunday, I noticed that I began to develop feelings for the guy…So what I did next, I check if he had a RING in his finger and HE DID !!!..I was so heartbroken , it made me cry. I can’t believe something like that would happen in Church. However, 2 weeks after my discovery, I started hearing people always consoling him…which made me wonder if he was a widower…He is always alone when he goes to Church, helps a lot in all church activities and stays for lunch after Mass.

While he is there trying to give me special attention, I am here getting tired if one day he will ever step up and ask me out. I am not the kind of girl who would also pursue a man so I am just there seated in the same place as always and there he would be giving me special attention. I am thinking of going in a different time to forget him or change to a different seat but what if he is just a widower trying to figure things out… Any advice???

I am surprised at some of the guesses you are getting here. Speaking as a gentleman, if I see a ring, it means “off limits.” Generally, I’ve tried to avoid looking at other people in Church. I’m there to worship, not look at what people are wearing, if they’re attractive, etc.

I’ve personally known an usher and my advice would be as people are exiting or if you see him standing close by, to simply whisper: “Can I talk to you for a minute?” If he says yes, it could be by the door or entrance. And I picture the following: “I hope you don’t mind me asking but it seems like you’re always nearby. Would you like to talk to me about something?” If he brushes it off as nothing, or introduces himself, that’s fine. If he says something like, “Well, yes. I would like to get to know you better.” You could always say, “We’ve just met. What do you mean?” If he proposes meeting him somewhere or even at his home. You could say, “I notice you’re wearing a ring. Are you married?” If he says no, then your answer should be no. If he explains he’s a widower and he’s wearing the ring in memory of his wife then he may not be ready to move on or he does not understand the proper convention that, man or woman, a wedding ring means he’s off limits.

He may be a perfectly nice guy who doesn’t understand. But, if he makes you uncomfortable in any way and you feel it would be OK, you could tactfully explain your reservations, especially about the ring, and what it means. He may not know the rules.

In any case, you may, at your discretion, simply mention, "You seem to be taking a special interest in me, and since we don’t know each other, I hope I don’t sound rude, but it’s making me uncomfortable.

Or, and I think this would be better than guessing, talk to your parish priest and get his advice.

God bless,
Ed

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Hey Blue

Thanks for your adivces. I really appreciate it. One time after church, everybody was gone. So, I was alone in the pew saying my rosary I was seated at that time. It was so quiet at church, nobody was there anymore and then suddenly, I heaerd a little kid behind me saying " Why are you just standing there?"…The voice of man stuttered to answer the little kid, he was there behind me all along

I do have my reasons why I feel he is giving me special attention and I do not want to dwell on that because of the RING !!! If indeed he is a widower, then he is not ready to date but either way, I want to protect myself from any future heartaches

I also don’t want to categorize him as a creep. He seems like a sweet man. I just cant understand his actions. Other ushers arent like that…ANyway I will take the the necessary steps to avoid him next Sunday.

Good for you Marita.
If I was 25 years younger and single I would be enrolling to be an Usher at your Church and wouldn’t be dropping the ball like this dude .

 

[Mayita30]

Good for you Marita.
If I was 25 years younger and single I would be enrolling to be an Usher at your Church and wouldn’t be dropping the ball like this dude .

Hahaha Blue…thanks for all your advice. You are a great councellor.

Talking about dropping the ball, I have always wanted men to pursue women…the old-fashioned way. I have never sought out this guy and never will. I believe that the man should pursue the woman. If indeed he is a widower and is interested in me then he should take the ring off and pursue

With this in mind, I will not keep my hopes up that he is a widower… Lots of posters gave me good advice on this one. It would be safe to assume that he is unavailable, transfer seats and be busy with my own life

 

[Mayita30]

I am surprised at some of the guesses you are getting here. Speaking as a gentleman, if I see a ring, it means “off limits.” Generally, I’ve tried to avoid looking at other people in Church. I’m there to worship, not look at what people are wearing, if they’re attractive, etc.

I’ve personally known an usher and my advice would be as people are exiting or if you see him standing close by, to simply whisper: “Can I talk to you for a minute?” If he says yes, it could be by the door or entrance. And I picture the following: “I hope you don’t mind me asking but it seems like you’re always nearby. Would you like to talk to me about something?” If he brushes it off as nothing, or introduces himself, that’s fine. If he says something like, “Well, yes. I would like to get to know you better.” You could always say, “We’ve just met. What do you mean?” If he proposes meeting him somewhere or even at his home. You could say, “I notice you’re wearing a ring. Are you married?” If he says no, then your answer should be no. If he explains he’s a widower and he’s wearing the ring in memory of his wife then he may not be ready to move on or he does not understand the proper convention that, man or woman, a wedding ring means he’s off limits.

He may be a perfectly nice guy who doesn’t understand. But, if he makes you uncomfortable in any way and you feel it would be OK, you could tactfully explain your reservations, especially about the ring, and what it means. He may not know the rules.

In any case, you may, at your discretion, simply mention, "You seem to be taking a special interest in me, and since we don’t know each other, I hope I don’t sound rude, but it’s making me uncomfortable.

Or, and I think this would be better than guessing, talk to your parish priest and get his advice.

God bless,
Ed

He is not making me uncomfortable, I just don’t want to develop feelings or start liking someone who is not available. We are both very young and go to Church alone. I can ask a friend about him, if she knows anything about him, but I don’t know if that would be a right thing to do…

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Hahaha Blue…thanks for all your advice. You are a great councellor.

Talking about dropping the ball, I have always wanted men to pursue women…the old-fashioned way. I have never sought out this guy and never will. I believe that the man should pursue the woman. If indeed he is a widower and is interested in me then he should take the ring off and pursue

With this in mind, I will not keep my hopes up that he is a widower… Lots of posters gave me good advice on this one. It would be safe to assume that he is unavailable, transfer seats and be busy with my own life

Not really, I just somehow understand where you are at that’s all.

 

[Cassandra_Lyn]

Hmm. I’m not a man, and the men gave exactly the same words of advice I would have given. Interesting.

 

[Mayita30]

Hmm. I’m not a man, and the men gave exactly the same words of advice I would have given. Interesting.

The person under observation is a MAN…so naturally I would want advice from someone who is also a MAN…I do not understand why some women take offense with such a small thing…seems to me FEMINISM is so bad these days that they cannot even consider the request of others

If I were to ask my dad some advice regarding MEN, would that be wrong ??? Should my mother CREATE a problem just because I wanted advice from a MALE PERSPECTIVE ?

 

[Blue_Horizon]

… One time after church, everybody was gone. So, I was alone in the pew saying my rosary I was seated at that time. It was so quiet at church, nobody was there anymore and then suddenly, I heaerd a little kid behind me saying " Why are you just standing there?"…The voice of man stuttered to answer the little kid, he was there behind me all along

Forgot to respond to this…its a classic theophany!
Do you know the story of Augustine and the child…
traditioninaction.org/religious/h065rp.Shell.html

You may have been aided by angels to alert you and you never knew .

 

[Mayita30]

Forgot to respond to this…its a classic theophany!
Do you know the story of Augustine and the child…
traditioninaction.org/religious/h065rp.Shell.html

You may have been aided by angels to alert you and you never knew .

let me read the link you gave…

The child was one of his students. He just recently volunteered to teach religious ed. Seems like he has lots of free time volunteering, staying at church to have lunch after mass etc… he confuses me because he acts like a single guy but I should give no further thought on this one…This whole thread has really been therapeutic for me…I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

Thanks to all Catholic gentlemen who have posted on here!!!

 

[Cassandra_Lyn]

It’s not about feminism or anything, it’s just that this is a very obvious situation that is common sense. That’s not gender specific. And males and females don’t act all that differently, so we don’t need to be the same gender as a person to understand their behavior.

 

[Mayita30]

It’s not about feminism or anything, it’s just that this is a very obvious situation that is common sense. That’s not gender specific. And males and females don’t act all that differently, so we don’t need to be the same gender as a person to understand their behavior.

Thank God it is common sense to you…maybe I AM VERY STUPID IT IS NOT COMMON SENSE TO ME

Either way, I have come to realize you cannot please everybody so I won’t bother wasting my time on people like you. I am grateful though for others who have empathize with me and have helped me.

 

[Sy_Noe]

I realize it isn’t something you are comfortable doing, but if you ever find out the man is a widower or otherwise available, and you have an interest at that time, I’d advise you reconsider and ask him out. Some good men can be somewhat shy or hesitant to ask a woman out in fear of rejection and especially if the woman is attractive. And you might be missing out on someone special by being unwilling to take the first step. It could even be something as someone earlier said, to simply ask him if he would like to join you for doughnuts and coffee or other refreshments your parish might after Mass.

 

[Mayita30]

I realize it isn’t something you are comfortable doing, but if you ever find out the man is a widower or otherwise available, and you have an interest at that time, I’d advise you reconsider and ask him out. Some good men can be somewhat shy or hesitant to ask a woman out in fear of rejection and especially if the woman is attractive. And you might be missing out on someone special by being unwilling to take the first step. It could even be something as someone earlier said, to simply ask him if he would like to join you for doughnuts and coffee or other refreshments your parish might after Mass.

Thank you for your posts. You are right that approaching a man or initiating a conversation with a man is something I normally would not do. In the event this man is a widower and available, we’ll see what happens.I will probably be back here and open another thread to keep you guys up to date and get more advice…Thanks for pointing this out!

 

[AdamP88]

As a married man, I think if he’s wearing the ring as a widower it either means he’s not interested in dating or he just doesn’t want to take the ring off. I think if my wife died I’d leave the ring on no matter what. Even if I wanted to date again. My Grandfather had his ring on for fifteen years after my Granny died, until he himself died. I’d say it’s the norm for widow(ers) to leave the ring, even if they meet someone else.

 

[chevalier]

It’s not about feminism or anything, it’s just that this is a very obvious situation that is common sense. That’s not gender specific. And males and females don’t act all that differently, so we don’t need to be the same gender as a person to understand their behavior.

You don’t necessarily need to be of the same sex to understand a person (just look at the liberal argument: you’re male, so you can’t talk about abortion), but in both simple and complex situations — which is often a somewhat subjective distinction — it’s always good to have separate female and male perspective because those perspectives do tend to differ. Just like practitioners differ from theoreticians, participants from beholders etc., without the ‘p’ group necessarily being right by default (sometimes one needs a lot of distance from a situation to even begin to see and think clearly, for example). There probably won’t normally be any clear party lines and in any given opinion camp you’ll see people of both sexes in either equal or unequal distribution, but there are still quite often some things that tend to be noticed or missed, understood easily or only with difficulty, judged as critical or trivial, depending on one’s sex; not in absolute terms but in terms of tendency. Hence one’s sex is not an all-trumping factor, but it has the potential to be a game-changer. In my experience it certainly is a game-changer here at CAF when people start judging people’s behaviours and intentions.

I too think the OP has benefitted from female opinions here and perhaps would have benefitted more without having restricted the thread to men in title, but the thing is, that’s for her to decide and not really for other posters to scrutinize. This is not to say it’s bad to suggest something different or ask the OP’s reasons, but opening posters in advice/help threads shouldn’t have to feel like they’re facing a disciplinary hearing for how they worded the opening post or like the topic’s becoming more about their post than their question.