Advice needed from the GUYS ( For men only)

[Mayita30]

Agreed. To leave a wedding ring on means one is not ready emotionally even if one thinks or acts like he is available. It seems a fairly good sign of as yet unintegrated conflicts to “date” and wear at the same time. It might seem strange that any straight thinking male could attempt to do both…yet sometimes the loneliness fighting the undead past bond arrests straight thinking . I speak from complicated past experience. It took a while to take my ring off at 34.

So…is it even possible for widowers to love again or does the past hinder them from living a full life?

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

I realize I’m a little late to the party, but here goes. I’m a married 32 year old man.

First, I think it’s a little odd that you say you have feelings for someone you’ve never spoken to at length. You might be a little infatuated with him, or be curious, or whatever, but you can’t really develop real feelings for someone based on a few glances. Have you had relationships in the past? What’s your dating history like?

Anyway, I think there are a few possibilities.

1. He just noticed you as a new person and is trying to make you feel welcome. As someone said, ushers typically take Communion last, so if you’re in the last row, it would make sense that he would be behind you.
2. He’s married. His wife might not be Catholic. Or she might have to work during that Mass so she goes to a different one. If that’s the case, maybe he’s not hitting on you. Maybe he’s just a little socially awkward. Maybe he just wants to talk to you on a friendly, platonic level but he’s shy. Maybe he thinks you’re attractive and wants to check you out, but doesn’t plan on acting on it. Maybe he’s considering cheating on his wife. Who knows? Lots of possibilities.
3. He’s a widower or he’s separated from his wife.

Anyway, why not just strike up a conversation with him? You don’t have to “pursue” him. Just say “Hi, I’m Mayita, how’s it going?” and take it from there.

 

[Mayita30]

I realize I’m a little late to the party, but here goes. I’m a married 32 year old man.

First, I think it’s a little odd that you say you have feelings for someone you’ve never spoken to at length. You might be a little infatuated with him, or be curious, or whatever, but you can’t really develop real feelings for someone based on a few glances. Have you had relationships in the past? What’s your dating history like?

Anyway, I think there are a few possibilities.

1. He just noticed you as a new person and is trying to make you feel welcome. As someone said, ushers typically take Communion last, so if you’re in the last row, it would make sense that he would be behind you.
2. He’s married. His wife might not be Catholic. Or she might have to work during that Mass so she goes to a different one. If that’s the case, maybe he’s not hitting on you. Maybe he’s just a little socially awkward. Maybe he just wants to talk to you on a friendly, platonic level but he’s shy. Maybe he thinks you’re attractive and wants to check you out, but doesn’t plan on acting on it. Maybe he’s considering cheating on his wife. Who knows? Lots of possibilities.
3. He’s a widower or he’s separated from his wife.

Anyway, why not just strike up a conversation with him? You don’t have to “pursue” him. Just say “Hi, I’m Mayita, how’s it going?” and take it from there.

THanks for your post Boom. I have decided to transfer to a different seat next Sunday so I can concentrate more on the mass…

 

[Mayita30]

Again, stop making stuff up. One doesn’t have anything to do with the other.

Death means the marriage has ended; therefore he shouldn’t wear a symbol of the marriage if he is pursuing someone else for marriage. This has nothing to do with treasured memories.
The inability of someone to take off their wedding ring is the biggest telltale sign of not ready.
This is discussed a lot in a book by a widower. M

Agapewolf…I don’t think he is makings things up…Many people have not had the experince to be a widower or be with a widower so probably until yu have that experience then you would be most qualified to give advice. Death does happen even at a young age…Blue Horizon said he was widowed at 34

 

[AdamP88]

Again, stop making stuff up. One doesn’t have anything to do with the other.

Death means the marriage has ended; therefore he shouldn’t wear a symbol of the marriage if he is pursuing someone else for marriage. This has nothing to do with treasured memories.
The inability of someone to take off their wedding ring is the biggest telltale sign of not ready.
This is discussed a lot in a book by a widower. M

Why should he stop wearing a symbol of the marriage? The marriage was a part of that person’s life. You can’t love someone and want them to “move on” from someone who was as close as a spouse.

 

[nodito]

Why should he stop wearing a symbol of the marriage? The marriage was a part of that person’s life. You can’t love someone and want them to “move on” from someone who was as close as a spouse.

A ring is a symbol that a person is married. If a person is not married and chooses to wear a ring anyway, he should be prepared for the fact that others will consider him unavailable to date. I’m of the belief that it’s not unreasonable for a woman to expect that the widower she’s dating not wear a wedding ring. If a person is not yet ready to “move on” from their deceased spouse, then they are clearly not ready to date. There’s nothing wrong with that either.

 

[Mayita30]

Why should he stop wearing a symbol of the marriage? The marriage was a part of that person’s life. You can’t love someone and want them to “move on” from someone who was as close as a spouse.

I think your concept of " moving on" is different from agapewolf..Correct me if I am wrong

Your concept: Since you said “Moving on from someone as close as a spouse…you mean forgetting the deceased spouse”

Agapewolf’s concept of “moving on” — my late wife is dead. I will always love and cherish our memories together but I am moving on meaning, I don’t want to be depressed anymore. I am still alive and I choose to be happy and continue living, having people around who also love me…

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

THanks for your post Boom. I have decided to transfer to a different seat next Sunday so I can concentrate more on the mass…

Why not just say hi to him after Mass? There’s no need to treat it as a huge mystery. Just say hi and see how the conversation goes. If nothing else, you’ll get a better sense of what is going on. Maybe you’ll end up with a new (non-romantic) friend. Maybe you’ll realize he’s a creep and you’ll know to avoid him. Maybe he’s a widower and there is a romantic spark there. Nothing to lose by saying hi.

 

[Mayita30]

Why not just say hi to him after Mass? There’s no need to treat it as a huge mystery. Just say hi and see how the conversation goes. If nothing else, you’ll get a better sense of what is going on. Maybe you’ll end up with a new (non-romantic) friend. Maybe you’ll realize he’s a creep and you’ll know to avoid him. Maybe he’s a widower and there is a romantic spark there. Nothing to lose by saying hi.

Thanks…I’ve never approached men before…It has always been the other way around…and with the RING on his finger …I mean that is scary… definitely , I will change seats and if our paths crossed, I can say Hi…I have been praying about this cuz he has been giving me mixed signals…Other ushers havent given me mixed signals …just him…so we’ll see…

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Thanks…I’ve never approached men before…It has always been the other way around…and with the RING on his finger …I mean that is scary… definitely , I will change seats and if our paths crossed, I can say Hi…I have been praying about this cuz he has been giving me mixed signals…Other ushers havent given me mixed signals …just him…so we’ll see…

I mean, I’m not saying go up and ask him on a date. Just say hi. I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying hello to a married man. I’m married and I have conversations with women all the time. There’s nothing inappropriate about a friendly chat.

 

[agapewolf]

Agapewolf…I don’t think he is makings things up…Many people have not had the experince to be a widower or be with a widower so probably until yu have that experience then you would be most qualified to give advice. Death does happen even at a young age…Blue Horizon said he was widowed at 34

I’m talking about in the context of the exchange here…he said that I said its “easy” to move on, implied that I thought someone taking off a ring means they don’t have treasured memories. None of these are true.

 

[agapewolf]

Why should he stop wearing a symbol of the marriage? The marriage was a part of that person’s life. You can’t love someone and want them to “move on” from someone who was as close as a spouse.

The vow one takes when they put the ring on is “as a sign of my love and fidelity”. You can’t be “faithful” to one and date another.

THAT is why the ring must be long gone before pursuing another relationship.

In EVERY SINGLE story of the support group threads I’ve read and books I’ve read (by a widower himself), if the guy is still wearing the ring when he starts to date, it is the biggest indicator that there are major problems ahead.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

So…is it even possible for widowers to love again or does the past hinder them from living a full life?

I can only speak for myself, I am probably not a typical example because it is more complicated than the ordinary situation which matters I don’t really intend to explicitate upon here. Nor did I have children from the previous relationship which is significant in making things easier.
Yes, there was always deep love and my wife has never doubted that; but I can say it took a year or two to become a full husband if you catch my drift.

 

[Naskor]

Hello

It’s been a while since I logged in here since I have been very busy with my master’s degree. Anyway I am here to ask an advice from our catholic gentleman here because I just don’t know what to do with this situation. I recently move to this small town for my master’s degree and looked for a new parish. This happened sometime around September last year…

Anyway, I will get straight to the point. I have been going to mass to this new parish and there I always , always sit at the last row, the same spot every Sunday. The first few Sundays were normal, nothing out of the ordinary but sometime around in November, one of the Church’s ushers seems to always go out his way to shake my hand, grab my attention, be behind me during communion…This has happened evesince he noticed me and even today it is still happening…it wasn’t like that in my first month there in the Church.

I did not mind it at first and I just place him in the category of another guy I am not interested in. However, as he kept on doing these things every Sunday, I noticed that I began to develop feelings for the guy…So what I did next, I check if he had a RING in his finger and HE DID !!!..I was so heartbroken , it made me cry. I can’t believe something like that would happen in Church. However, 2 weeks after my discovery, I started hearing people always consoling him…which made me wonder if he was a widower…He is always alone when he goes to Church, helps a lot in all church activities and stays for lunch after Mass.

While he is there trying to give me special attention, I am here getting tired if one day he will ever step up and ask me out. I am not the kind of girl who would also pursue a man so I am just there seated in the same place as always and there he would be giving me special attention. I am thinking of going in a different time to forget him or change to a different seat but what if he is just a widower trying to figure things out… Any advice???

My uncle is an usher. To me it sounds like this man may have been directed to be more friendly and followed that direction. Every now and then the ushers at my parish have to be reminded to be friendly and inviting, then their friendliness and charisma bumps up for a few weeks then dips down before being told they need to be friendly again.

 

[Mayita30]

I can only speak for myself, I am probably not a typical example because it is more complicated than the ordinary situation which matters I don’t really intend to explicitate upon here. Nor did I have children from the previous relationship which is significant in making things easier.
Yes, there was always deep love and my wife has never doubted that; but I can say it took a year or two to become a full husband if you catch my drift.

Yeah…that doesn’t seem like an easy situation. It’s a tough one. I guess for it to work, the wife must have lots of patience with the widower and the widower should also put in his effort and be willing to move on to make the marriage work.

 

[Mayita30]

My uncle is an usher. To me it sounds like this man may have been directed to be more friendly and followed that direction. Every now and then the ushers at my parish have to be reminded to be friendly and inviting, then their friendliness and charisma bumps up for a few weeks then dips down before being told they need to be friendly again.

Yeah. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt despite mixed signals I am receiving. He seems such a sweet man. With that being said, I am going to transfer to another seat so I can give my full concentration to God during the mass.

 

[Irishmom2]

and you call yourself Catholic?

WOW !!! this is one of the reasons why I wanted opinions from men !!!

There have been more people who have helped me in this thread and I say thank you to them!!!

Some people cannot seem to clearly understand when a person needs help…Go and look for someone to pick on or ACCUSE of fantasizing of your husband!!! GOOD BYE!

Don’t you think this is an overreaction on your part?

 

[Mayita30]

Don’t you think this is an overreaction on your part?

I don’t see it as an overreaction at all… I meant those comments for that poster and I have no regrets…I am fine if you see it as an overreaction but comments like her do not help especially when I was in a situation where I was a little disturbed yesterday…

Some people come here in CAF to seek for help. At least give them the benefit of the doubt, try to find out what is bothering them. Insteaf of doing that, some people who are so-called catholics chastize and are ready to point their fingers.

One reason why I asked men’s help is that men tend to give advices WITHOUT INCLUDING THEIR OWN EMOTIONS AND ISSUES…this specific poster made it personal saying she would feel disrespected if I fantasized about her husband and fantasized she was deseased…Do you think that would help me in anyway? Why is she making it all about her…

And if you don’t mind…please dont hijack this thread…

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t see it as an overreaction at all… I meant those comments for that poster and I have no regrets…I am fine if you see it as an overreaction but comments like her do not help especially when I was in a situation where I was a little disturbed yesterday…

Some people come here in CAF to seek for help. At least give them the benefit of the doubt, try to find out what is bothering them. Insteaf of doing that, some people who are so-called catholics chastize and are ready to point their fingers.

One reason why I asked men’s help is that men tend to give advices WITHOUT INCLUDING THEIR OWN EMOTIONS AND ISSUES…this specific poster made it personal saying she would feel disrespected if I fantasized about her husband and fantasized she was deseased…Do you think that would help me in anyway? Why is she making it all about her…

And if you don’t mind…please dont hijack this thread…

Since I’m the poster you’re referring to…I felt that your response was quite rude and unnecessary (and yes, an overreaction). When you post a thread, you cannot dictate who responds to it or tell people to leave if you don’t like what they have to say.

And yes, after you saw that this man had a ring, instead of letting it go, you still thought about him and speculated and were hopeful that he is probably a widow only because you heard people consoling him about something non-specific. It’s a case of hearing what you want to hear- if he had been that recently widowed, and was pursuing you, is that really someone you’d want to be with? More likely, he is married and you are either reading a lot into the situation, or he is married and is a creep (though nothing you have described seems particularly weird).

If he’s simply a nice friendly guy, who is married, I don’t really think that it’s out of line to point out that it’s not appropriate to think about him as if he were not married. You asked for advice because you were thinking he might want to ask you out. That’s my advice.

 

[Mayita30]

Since I’m the poster you’re referring to…I felt that your response was quite rude and unnecessary (and yes, an overreaction). When you post a thread, you cannot dictate who responds to it or tell people to leave if you don’t like what they have to say.

And yes, after you saw that this man had a ring, instead of letting it go, you still thought about him and speculated and were hopeful that he is probably a widow only because you heard people consoling him about something non-specific. It’s a case of hearing what you want to hear- if he had been that recently widowed, and was pursuing you, is that really someone you’d want to be with? More likely, he is married and you are either reading a lot into the situation, or he is married and is a creep (though nothing you have described seems particularly weird).

If he’s simply a nice friendly guy, who is married, I don’t really think that it’s out of line to point out that it’s not appropriate to think about him as if he were not married. You asked for advice because you were thinking he might want to ask you out. That’s my advice.

Your comments are not worth answering…When I posted a thread , I specifically asked for a male perspective to prevent certain bitchy attitudes of women who make it all about themselves and try to involved their own emotions and life issues…

I don’t need your advice. I want a male perspective so don’t force it on me…I don’t need your emotions or your feelings of being disrespected of me fantasizing of your husband and you fantasizing being deceased…Your own emotional roller coaster have created that stupid thought or idea on your own which has no place in this thread…You are the one fantasizing…I have never done that…

I came here with a poblem and I don’t need other people’s FEELINGs or issues invovled

IN general, most women have come on this thread and have respected my need for a male perspective and I thank them for that…I also thank other women who have contributed like agapewolf…