Advice on handling my 14 year old daughter

[gmarie21]

Just because she is questioning her faith does not necessarily mean that there is a evil protestant or an atheist influencing her. Perhaps she has simply reached the point in her life where she realizes that you can’t believe everything you hear (not even from your parents or your priest), and church teachings just don’t make sense to her anymore.

So I wouldn’t go to the drama you’ve posed here, but I agree to some extent. Many question (heck, in first and second grade at mass I thought “what if the adults are making this up”). No one put that in my mind (well maybe a demon) but it would always enter my mind. Sometimes people have what would be fleeting thoughts that instead of letting them pass through, they hold onto and contemplate. OP, maybe that’s what your daughter is doing? But don’t assume it’s because of friends (though it could very well be).

 

[rick43235]

There’s no age at which this idea makes any sense. We are told a lot of things. Some things are true and others aren’t. But, just because we were told them all our lives doesn’t automatically make them suspect. If they are true they will be true no matter who says so or who doesn’t believe them. Logic! Why don’t they teach logic in these schools?!

What is illogical about this girl questioning her faith?

 

[Della]

What is illogical about this girl questioning her faith?

Nothing. What is illogical is assuming that one ought to question it merely because others have told you about it. Where is the logic in that? It’s simple enough to ascertain for oneself what the truth is by just doing a bit of reading and keeping an open mind. Learning the truth from others doesn’t make it suspect. That’s the point here.

 

[rick43235]

Nothing. What is illogical is assuming that one ought to question it merely because others have told you about it. Where is the logic in that? It’s simple enough to ascertain for oneself what the truth is by just doing a bit of reading and keeping an open mind. Learning the truth from others doesn’t make it suspect. That’s the point here.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I didn’t mean to imply that “one ought to question it merely because others have told you about it.” What I meant was that one shouldn’t *avoid *questioning it just because someone in authority told you about it.

As for ascertaining the truth, I submit that it’s not nearly as easy as you suggest. There is an awful lot of disagreement about “the truth” among people who spend their lives studying these matters. It’s not surprising that a thinking 14 year old might have questions.

 

[wcknight]

My kids have all gone through doubting their faith and are going through the same doubts and loss of faith now. My daughter at one point declared herself as an atheist. She has since come to at least believe there is a God, not in Christ or Christianity as yet.

There is no way you can force belief onto anyone. You can only voice your beliefs and why you personnally believe and pray for the best.

It is a very worrisome and trying time for parents but many young people go through periods of doubt. We can only place our trust in the Lord and pray that they return to the fold.

I keep reminding my kids that they may have turned their backs on God, but God will never turn His back on them. He will always be there when they are ready to return.

There is a “Green Scapular” that you can get and a prayer that accompanies it for this purpose. “Most immaculate heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour our death, Amen”. I pray this for my kids every evening for their return to the faith. Mary nevers forgets her kids and I will keep reminding her if she ever does.

 

[Springkeeper]

My daughter’s friends are very nice girls. They don’t get into trouble, and they’re over here a lot. It seems our house is the “place to be.” It’s always been that way. My kids are very close to me and for the most part they have never been afraid to approach me with anything-- even really sensitive things. That’s why my daughter told me in the first place. She said she just doesn’t think she believes in God anymore. She said she has questions that no one’s been able to explain thoroughly enough to change her mind.

She gets that from me. There’s a lot I don’t understand. I just go with it on faith alone. She hasn’t gotten to where faith is good enough, but she’s going to have to, because that’s the definition of faith. It can’t be “proven.”

On the top paragraph, good for you! From long experience I can tell you that having children who trust you enough so that they are willing to talk (and listen) to you is a very important thing. That her friends are comfortable with you (as a Mother-figure not a buddy of course) is also very important.

Secondly, if you don’t have something, you cannot give it to your daughter. My own research into the things of God have taught me more than I ever thought possible. The more I read the Bible and study history and historical context, the more my faith grows. There are certain things that one must take purely on faith but there are a lot of things that can be known in the heart and in the mind. Catholicism is the most intellectual of the Christian faiths and has the longest history. Maybe you two could research together?

 

[rinnie]

I must say I have mixed feelings on this thought. Because okay say you say to her you don’t want to go to communion you do not have to, You don’t want to make your confirmation you don;t have too. Whats next then, Why not say okay you don’t want to go to Church now, isn’t that going to be next.

God forgive me but whos the Parent here. You or your 14 year old child. And at what age is she able to make a decision like this. I feel that at 14 it is your duty to bring her up in the faith.

I mean think back, what did we and the God Parents promise at Baptism. To bring this child up in the faith. We made that choice at Baptsim and I think it should be followed through.

And unless that Child is in a state of mortal sin she should receive the Eucharist. I mean how else is she going to bond with Christ through the Holy Spirit if she cannot receive that Grace that he gives us in the Eucharist.

Trust me, Here is a good example. My kids wanted to go out, party etc at 15. Go to field party etc. I said no way. They hated me. Others parents let thier kids they trusted them. Why did I not trust my kids. Right? Yeah right!

So now anyway ten years later they were at a field party and saw a 15 year old there. You know what they came home and said to me, Where was their MOTHER!

MY advice to you is this, Do what you think because it is your child and you will have to pay for the mistakes you make. At least make them yours.

My advice to you as a Catholic and Parent who has been through all of this is THIS. You take control and you do what you promised God. Until that Child is 18-21 you are put here to raise her, and do what God asked of you. You listen to God and Gods church not a 14 year old kid that is so mixed up. If you think she is mixed up now, keep her out of the Church and see what happens.

Tell her what my Mother used to say. I am your Mother you are not mine. GOd put me here to be your Mother not your friend and as long as your live under my roof you will do as I say.

 

[rinnie]

You are the parent. you very much can approve or disapprove who your 14 year old hangs out with, talks to.

I totally agree with this also. You not only can Approve you better approve. That is your job. If I can be so bold to ask, do you have a good relationship with your Mom? You do not have to answer though, if not I understand.

 

[Della]

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I didn’t mean to imply that “one ought to question it merely because others have told you about it.” What I meant was that one shouldn’t *avoid *questioning it just because someone in authority told you about it.

It depends on the authority, don’t you think? Anyone can claim to have authority. In the home the parents have authority, but it only goes so far. No parent can command a child to believe or practice any faith against the child’s conscience. For a parent it can be difficult determining if a child is truly struggling with an issue or if he is just pushing buttons.

The Catholic Church claims to be the Body of Christ on earth. Either this claim is true or it isn’t. It claims that the fullness of truth necessary for salvation subsists within it. If this is true, then it ought to be believed. This isn’t rocket science.

As for ascertaining the truth, I submit that it’s not nearly as easy as you suggest. There is an awful lot of disagreement about “the truth” among people who spend their lives studying these matters. It’s not surprising that a thinking 14 year old might have questions.

Of course there are disagreements among those who are outside the Church about the Church’s claims. Duh! But, do they have the authority to make any claim to authority? This can easily be discerned by reading plain, ordinary history. The Catholic (Universal) Church was founded by Christ. It met for its first council in Jerusalem and began making decisions regarding doctrine and practice right from the beginning. It’s spokesman was Peter. No one challenged any of this then. There is no reason to challenge this now. Only those with an agenda have the need to do so. This is simple fact. Plain, simple and true. Why should we listen to those to whom Christ gave no authority to speak for him? Why?

 

[proudnifi]

At her age, I was questioning and didn’t get answers that made sense to me. My parents were awesome and helped me get some additional information while I was trying to decide whether to get Confirmed; I did get Confirmed, but eventually ended up atheist before coming back. You know your daughter better than we do. From my experience, it’s not necessarily bad influences - I felt like an outcast for having my concerns coming from a very Catholic family and friends from practicing Catholic families. But I was smart and becoming an independent thinker and the answers I was getting were lacking. I was also at an age when faith didn’t make much sense to me; smart doesn’t mean emotionally mature and I was never a touchy-feely person. You can’t control your daughter’s beliefs, but you can help her find good answers to her questions. I still struggle with aspects of Catholicism (who doesn’t?), but getting the real answers (not the fluff I got in prep classes) and having parents who just kept on living their faith, helped get me back on track…eventually. I think you can make her attend church but it’s wrong to force someone to receive sacraments (she’s correct to respect other people’s beliefs about the Eucharist even if she doesn’t believe it’s Jesus). I don’t have children, but I think as a parent you do your best to provide all the materials - church, prep classes, a good example - and then you have to let them go out on their own. It must be hard; looking back, I am so impressed with my poor mother. No doubt I am still a trial to her at times.

 

[LongingForLight]

I don’t know if anyone has suggested this yet, but see about getting her a copy of the catechism. If she’s not much for dense reading, maybe a simplified catechism for teens.

I know I had doubts about God and His church as a teen, but many were based on misinformation. E.g., I was told a person who has never heard of God will go to Hell because they haven’t been baptised, and all Christians believe this; it didn’t seem consistent with “justice” or “mercy”, and I was thrilled to find the Catholic Church shared my opinions when I finally learned about the catechism - years later. In the meantime, I spent years questioning and getting horrid answers.

A copy of “Mere Christianity” in the house might also pay off.

She may not read them until she is older, but from the little you’ve said, I’m guessing she is a thinker and will be interested in more reading at some point - maybe in a few years.

Also . . check out her RE. Highschool RE was probably the single most damaging experience for my faith as a teen. The teachers shared their doubts about the faith openly (especially on sexual topics), seriously philosophical questions were discarded as “who knows?” or given trite, unsatisfying answers, and the whole thing was treated more as a social gathering than as a place to learn. I ended up with the impression that no one who thought about faith actually stayed Christian. If she is having a similar experience, she might need exposure to apologetics and people who really think, question, and reason about faith to be reassured that there is room for people to think and reason.

 

[TheWatcher]

I must say I have mixed feelings on this thought. Because okay say you say to her you don’t want to go to communion you do not have to, You don’t want to make your confirmation you don;t have too. Whats next then, Why not say okay you don’t want to go to Church now, isn’t that going to be next.

God forgive me but whos the Parent here. You or your 14 year old child. And at what age is she able to make a decision like this. I feel that at 14 it is your duty to bring her up in the faith.

I mean think back, what did we and the God Parents promise at Baptism. To bring this child up in the faith. We made that choice at Baptsim and I think it should be followed through.

And unless that Child is in a state of mortal sin she should receive the Eucharist. I mean how else is she going to bond with Christ through the Holy Spirit if she cannot receive that Grace that he gives us in the Eucharist.

Trust me, Here is a good example. My kids wanted to go out, party etc at 15. Go to field party etc. I said no way. They hated me. Others parents let thier kids they trusted them. Why did I not trust my kids. Right? Yeah right!

So now anyway ten years later they were at a field party and saw a 15 year old there. You know what they came home and said to me, Where was their MOTHER!

MY advice to you is this, Do what you think because it is your child and you will have to pay for the mistakes you make. At least make them yours.

My advice to you as a Catholic and Parent who has been through all of this is THIS. You take control and you do what you promised God. Until that Child is 18-21 you are put here to raise her, and do what God asked of you. You listen to God and Gods church not a 14 year old kid that is so mixed up. If you think she is mixed up now, keep her out of the Church and see what happens.

Tell her what my Mother used to say. I am your Mother you are not mine. GOd put me here to be your Mother not your friend and as long as your live under my roof you will do as I say.

When is the age of reason? Isn’t it 12? (or somewhere around here?)

I wouldn’t insist she take communion if shes pass the age of reason.
There is a difference between making her attend church and study the faith, and forcing her to believe it. I thought it was sinful to recieve the eucharist without a pure heart.

 

[Just_Lurking]

When is the age of reason? Isn’t it 12? (or somewhere around here?)

Can. 97 §2. A minor before the completion of the seventh year is called an infant and is considered not responsible for oneself (non sui compos). With the completion of the seventh year, however, a minor is presumed to have the use of reason.

 

[rinnie]

When is the age of reason? Isn’t it 12? (or somewhere around here?)

I wouldn’t insist she take communion if shes pass the age of reason.
There is a difference between making her attend church and study the faith, and forcing her to believe it. I thought it was sinful to recieve the eucharist without a pure heart.

I don’t know. But to me the age of reason is more knowing right from wrong. Like you know at the age of 12 you cannot steal, cheat, lie, etc. But I do not see her being confused with her faith at this point being able to clearly understand.

I am not sure her being confused at this time of her life would mean that she does not has a unpure heart.

BUt what I meant in who is the parent here is you will make all of your sacraments like I promised at your Baptsim you would, and then its all you can really do. But that is what Confirmation really is. Its a time that you learn that your parents have taken the final step to do what they can do, and now you must after this take it upon yourself to grow in Christ.

I agree no one can force you to believe, I would put my trust in God and continue to make mass a rule, and until you are on your own stick with that rule.

And I would rely on GOd to do the rest. But to me, to say I understand your doubt would be to say in a way I can possibly agree with it, But on the other hand to live your life in Christ and say there is no doubt what so ever in me, would be a better example.

Because later on it would be either A or B. A my parents had doubt also because they did not stand firm on this.

OR B Thats one thing my parents never had a doubt on and that was their faith in GOd. ANd it is our faith and belief that leads the example for our children. Not do as we say, its do as you watch us do.

Because at my age I can see in my Sister how she did not follow my Parents example and her kids don’t. But I did and my kids do. And I feel that my Children while I am sure sin just like any other Child, do have that extra faith that they see in me. I see my children (on the sly) going to God when they are in trouble and letting him take over in their hour of need.

But on the other side of the coin see my sisters kids roll their eyes and continue to go from one mistake to another. While my sister may have a deeper faith in Christ even more then I, does not teach it to her children.