Advice on handling my 14 year old daughter

[Rence]

I’m really glad you decided to not force her to take Communion. I think people have to be in the right frame of mind to receive Communion, and it can’t be forced. But I think you’re right in making her go to Mass and classes.

Whatever problem your daughter has is pure speculation until you get to the root of the problem. IMOHO, I would try to pair her up with a Catholic mentor, someone who can answer her questions and someone she can talk to freely.

You’re the only one, as her mother, who can judge whether or not her friend is badly influencing her. I can tell you that when I was her age, I was staunchly traditional and had many friends of different faiths (or lack of faith). However, my brother fell away from the Church after attending a preparatory seminarian high school. He said that, the more he knew about the Church the more he doubted it was the true Church, and that if there were a God, he wouldn’t allow it. He could have really used a mentor to answer his questions and help him understand things. So I hope you consider getting her some ‘help’ in sorting out her thoughts and getting questions answered. She may not be comfortable talking to you, her mom, about what she questions.

 

[puzzleannie]

I was just a little bit older than she is when I fell away from the Church… and as parents we just don’t want our children to make the same mistakes. I will just have to have faith that God will lead her down whichever path leads to Him in His time and not mine, as He did with me. But I will certainly do all that I can do to clear the way for her.

Thanks again for the advice,
Michelle

can you share whatever part of this story is appropriate for her to hear, so she knows she is not weird having these feelings and doubts.

 

[rinnie]

My 14 year old daughter is in confirmation class, and a couple of weeks ago she told me she wasn’t ready to make her confirmation this year. I told her that was okay-- she will continue on with her confirmation class this year, and go through it again next year. All seemed fine.

Last night she came and told me she doesn’t want to get ashes tonight or to receive communion anymore… I asked her what was wrong… and she said she just isn’t sure she believes God exists, and would rather not receive communion in that state. She said she’d still go to church and to RE though, so she could learn. I was shocked. I have raised all of my girls in the church, and God is a really big part of our lives. I didn’t know how to respond. I asked her why she felt that way, and she said she didn’t know. I told her that I would answer any question for her. But I also told her she has to get the ashes tonight and I told her she has to receive communion-- that maybe God would give her the grace she needs to believe through the communion.

Am I doing the right thing? I feel bad forcing communion on her. It feels sinful to me. If she doesn’t believe what she is doing is real, is it a sin to take communion? I don’t want to lead her down the wrong path. Any advice and prayers for her would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Michelle

This may be way off, but does she seem to have new friends? Kind of see if she is acting diifferently about other things too, I know when my kids would come up with off the wall stuff all of a sudden it had to do with their friends at that time.

Who their friends are at that age can make all the difference in the world.

 

[Rascalking]

My opinion-

Confirmation should be a choice the person makes. It’s sort of off if the parent forces them

My other opinion-

Don’t make her take communion, in particular if she doesn’t believe in it. I don’t know if it’s sinful, but it does seem wrong. It’s sort of insulting to her and to Our Lord!

Like I said, both are my opinions.

Blessings to you-my heart breaks for this situation.

 

[sanctamaria17]

You are way out of line if you force her to receive. No faithful Catholic should receive if they know they are not in the right state. Who cares what people think? It’s God she has to answer to, not them.

Look, I did not receive on Sunday. I am a practicing Catholic, but I knew I had committed sin (and had not had time to confess), so I did not feel it was right to receive. I’ve done that before. And I was in my own community, where every one knows me pretty well. It kills me when I can’t receive, but I can’t explain to Jesus why I disrespected His Body and Blood, which He gave up for me. If I love Him, I am to treat Him reverently.

I think your daughter sounds respectful and reverent for acknowledging that.

 

[LookingForFaith]

I went through the excact same thing when I was younger…heck even in my later teens I was still going through it.

It’s really tough being a teenager. There is so much pressure to conform to their peers, what is currently popular, the latest trends. It’s even tougher to be a Catholic teenager. Not only do they have that pressure, but (sadly) Catholicism is so far outside the “norm” that all throughout my high school career, I was known as the “Catholic Jesus freak.” I got it from my friends, my aquaintances and even some of my teachers. It’s enough to make anyone doubt!!

Maybe your daughter just needs someone to talk to about it all. Someone other than mom and dad you know? I mean, how often do teens confide in their parents? Maybe their RE teacher, or a youth group leader? Someone that you can trust to help them get through whatever it is they are going through.

God bless!

 

[Fran65]

In my experience a lot of teenagers (and adults!) are aggressively atheistic and anti-religion. They see it as a badge of maturity and of intelligence to reject those ‘childish’ stories and beliefs, their words not mine! Your daughter’s friends may be challenging her in this way.

It is hard as an adult to be on the receiving end of that pressure and challenge. I experience it with some of my colleagues. It must be so much harder as a child. I would talk to your daughter about her friends and help her to strengthen her faith and her ability to defend her beliefs. In my opinion a living faith is one that asks questions and looks for answers. It’s your job as her parent to help her to find those answers.

God bless both of you.

 

[LaLucia]

I totally agree with the advice that everybody has given you on how to help your daughter.
She is old enough to know what is right and what is wrong. She does knows the difference.

I don’t think she lacks faith in God. Just watch her behavior and you will notice that she will say her prayers in the Church during Mass and before going to bed.

I just think that she doesn’t want to recieve holy communion because she needs to be in God’s grace before receiving the Eucharist.
If you force her to receive the Eucharist… she could take it in her hand and not put it in her mouth and just leave it behind under her seat. Some people have done that in my church.
Some people may not agree or like what I have just said to you but this is a serious problem that you can cause for your daughter and she will totally not go to church next time.
She is a teenager right now and she will become very upset with you if you force her.

You need to “SEE” her behavior with her friends and at home to find out what is really going on with her.
I feel really bad for you and your daughter and I will pray for you both tonight. LaLucia

 

[rinnie]

Something else you may want to try. Talk to Father about this, this could be something we could use as a useful tool in the CHurch with our teens. Maybe somehow Father could set up some special courses, etc to help teens who are at a crossroad in their life. Who knows, ten years from now your daughter could be teaching that class.

 

[Springkeeper]

I am pretty sure it’s the friends my daughter hangs out with-- most of them don’t practice any faith. As much as I’d like to shelter her from that, I know it’s impossible.

I was just a little bit older than she is when I fell away from the Church… and as parents we just don’t want our children to make the same mistakes. I will just have to have faith that God will lead her down whichever path leads to Him in His time and not mine, as He did with me. But I will certainly do all that I can do to clear the way for her.

Thanks again for the advice,
Michelle

Outside of switching schools, which only makes meeting her friends more difficult, in this day of electronic media, it is impossible to completely segregate your child from others (unless you are going to homeschool and cut her off the web, phone, etc. completely).

My three oldest (22-g, 19-b, 17-b), were all instructed in the faith and in life, morals, etc. My oldest daughter was, shall we say, “hell-bent” from the time she was a preteen and still travels the path of destruction even with all of our best efforts, including my retiring to be home full time and heavy computer monitoring (she is now out of the house). She has always sought out the worst people to be friends with (exact same situation as one of my 14 year old Sunday school students). My oldest son is strong in his faith so he naturally does not voluntarily spend a lot of time with any carnal people. The sad reality is that something is wrong in your daughter’s heart and she needs much prayer and loving guidance. She is choosing her friends for a reason. (Tell me what you watch, what you listen to, who your closest friends are; and I’ll tell you who are) May the Lord guide her steps (and yours).

 

[rinnie]

Outside of switching schools, which only makes meeting her friends more difficult, in this day of electronic media, it is impossible to completely segregate your child from others (unless you are going to homeschool and cut her off the web, phone, etc. completely).

My three oldest (22-g, 19-b, 17-b), were all instructed in the faith and in life, morals, etc. My oldest daughter was, shall we say, “hell-bent” from the time she was a preteen and still travels the path of destruction even with all of our best efforts, including my retiring to be home full time and heavy computer monitoring (she is now out of the house). She has always sought out the worst people to be friends with (exact same situation as one of my 14 year old Sunday school students). My oldest son is strong in his faith so he naturally does not voluntarily spend a lot of time with any carnal people. The sad reality is that something is wrong in your daughter’s heart and she needs much prayer and loving guidance. She is choosing her friends for a reason. (Tell me what you watch, what you listen to, who your closest friends are; and I’ll tell you who are) May the Lord guide her steps (and yours).

And even if she changes schools. etc, we both know somehow someway she will have a way of finding the same kind of friends. I agree with what you are saying. When I see my kids slipping I pray and ask the Blessed Mother and St Jude to pray with me. It always works.

 

[stringbeanduck]

I appears that a lot of teens in our church stay active in thier faith, because some of thier friends are. Whether or not they truly understand, I’m not sure, but it does set thier life up for becoming a good Catholic. In other words they’re more likely to carry it into their adult life and will over time become more knowledgeable of it. Advice I have is see if you can make better the youth group.

 

[MikiBee]

That’s just the thing… I wish our church had a nice youth group, but our church’s youth group is pretty sad. I think there might be 5 kids in it. There’s a church several miles away that has LifeTeen and it’s HUGE. I really wish we lived closer, but that just won’t work for us.

My daughter’s friends are very nice girls. They don’t get into trouble, and they’re over here a lot. It seems our house is the “place to be.” It’s always been that way. My kids are very close to me and for the most part they have never been afraid to approach me with anything-- even really sensitive things. That’s why my daughter told me in the first place. She said she just doesn’t think she believes in God anymore. She said she has questions that no one’s been able to explain thoroughly enough to change her mind.

She gets that from me. There’s a lot I don’t understand. I just go with it on faith alone. She hasn’t gotten to where faith is good enough, but she’s going to have to, because that’s the definition of faith. It can’t be “proven.”

Some of you have given me some great resources both on this thread and via PM. I am going to look into that material and keep it all over the place. I’m going to continue to plant those seeds and I just know in time, with prayer those seeds will sprout.

 

[FiberZilla]

My 14 year old daughter is in confirmation class, and a couple of weeks ago she told me she wasn’t ready to make her confirmation this year. I told her that was okay-- she will continue on with her confirmation class this year, and go through it again next year. All seemed fine.

Last night she came and told me she doesn’t want to get ashes tonight or to receive communion anymore… I asked her what was wrong… and she said she just isn’t sure she believes God exists, and would rather not receive communion in that state. She said she’d still go to church and to RE though, so she could learn. I was shocked. I have raised all of my girls in the church, and God is a really big part of our lives. I didn’t know how to respond. I asked her why she felt that way, and she said she didn’t know. I told her that I would answer any question for her. But I also told her she has to get the ashes tonight and I told her she has to receive communion-- that maybe God would give her the grace she needs to believe through the communion.

Am I doing the right thing? I feel bad forcing communion on her. It feels sinful to me. If she doesn’t believe what she is doing is real, is it a sin to take communion? I don’t want to lead her down the wrong path. Any advice and prayers for her would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Michelle

This isn’t necessarily the answer you are looking for, but I guarantee you that people overlook this all of the time when it comes to kids and faith. Young people are more in tune with the issues than ever before. This high tech internet age of instant information and satellite communications means that nothing is hidden from the young. Kids are being told to receive ashes, the sacraments and live a moral life by the same institution that doesn’t exactly have a stellar track record of moral behavior with children. Detailed accounts of sexual abuse by priests are available online for anyone to read. Nothing is hidden these days. The credibility gap is vast.

It isn’t strictly a catholic problem. Protestant churches have had bad apples as well. It’s just that protestants are unable to systematically cover up it up.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi MikiBee;

I think that questioning one’s faith, especially as a teen, is very ‘‘normal’’ for lack of a better word to use there. My daughter who is 13, never questions…faith alone. My son who is 17, has always been a questioner, although, he loves the faith, and it’s never been a ‘‘problem’’ getting them to get ready for mass, etc. But, my son has asked some questions that I haven’t always had ‘‘complete’’ answers to, so we look them up together on the internet or through other resources to answer his questions. I was wondering, does your parish have any type of classes for adults…bible studies? Maybe you and your daughter could attend something like that together, or if there is a conference coming to town, you could go together? I have done things like this with my kids…and it isn’t that mass isn’t ‘‘enough’’ but religious ed classes fall sadly short these days, when it comes to teaching kids the full Truth. When it comes to answering questions. I am happy with my dd’s current religious ed courses, but I think they fall short in getting kids enthusiastic about being Catholic.

That is what my husband and I try to teach our kids…that it’s one thing to know facts about your faith, but to develop that zeal in which you want to go out and witness to others, takes time. I would encourage you to find something in your town where you both can attend…I could see that helping her greatly. Praying for you.

PS–I think that it’s also touching, that she doesn’t want to receive the Eucharist, in the state of mind she is in about the faith. It takes great maturity to come to you with that. I think this might just be a time where she is looking for deeper explanations of the faith…and there really isn’t anything inherently wrong with that. *

 

[Della]

Just a correction to my post–I shouldn’t have advised “forcing” your daughter to receive either ashes or communion. I should have said to encourage her to do so and see how she responds. Not receiving ashes may have been an issue because of peer pressure, but not receiving communion is another thing altogether. My intent was to encourage her to continue to receive the grace of the sacrament as an aid to her spiritual life. If she feels quite strongly that she shouldn’t, of course, she shouldn’t do so. You and she are in my prayers.

 

[kage_ar]

PLEASE listen to Dr Ray.

The Doctor Is In archive.ihradio.org/

Call into his show. You are NOT a horrible mother if you do not permit your 14 year old full rein of the internet, a cell phone, unlimited texting, etc! Know what Catholic parenting experts say.

 

[LaLucia]

I went to bed last night thinking about your problem with your daughter. This morning I woke up thinking that maybe your daughter and her gal friends may be hanging out with older teen boys from her school and she likes trying to be cool and act bad with those boys. Acting bad means cussing, smoking, drinking, etc. It doesn’t mean your daughter is doing that but it does mean that she likes it and knows that she is doing wrong in hanging with those school boys…or maybe college boys.

It seems that most of us here have picked up that it is her friends that are influencing her behavior and I totally agree too. You also agree. I think if we all pray that she leaves those friends… God’s light will return to her. I don’t think she feels God’s light around her.

I have been a Catholic all my life without really understanding it. I have chosen to attend an RCIA meetings for three years now and I am always learning new things.

I think it would help for your daughter to ask the questions she has about the Catholic religion and put it in writing and give it to your favorite priest to look it over and then later on get together with you and your daughter to explain his answers to the questions.

Priests are wayyy better at explaining what it means to be Catholic. We sometimes have some of our priest attend our RCIA meetings so we can learn more.
For example; One priest asked us… “What does the word Catholic mean”. It means the Universal Church. Most of us didn’t know. So you see how important it is for you and your daughter to talk with a priest. Please make an appointment. PEACE, LaLucia

 

[rick43235]

Next, find out who is influencing her, her protestant friends? Her athiest boyfriend?

Just because she is questioning her faith does not necessarily mean that there is a evil protestant or an atheist influencing her. Perhaps she has simply reached the point in her life where she realizes that you can’t believe everything you hear (not even from your parents or your priest), and church teachings just don’t make sense to her anymore.

 

[Della]

Just because she is questioning her faith does not necessarily mean that there is a evil protestant or an atheist influencing her. Perhaps she has simply reached the point in her life where she realizes that you can’t believe everything you hear (not even from your parents or your priest), and church teachings just don’t make sense to her anymore.

There’s no age at which this idea makes any sense. We are told a lot of things. Some things are true and others aren’t. But, just because we were told them all our lives doesn’t automatically make them suspect. If they are true they will be true no matter who says so or who doesn’t believe them. Logic! Why don’t they teach logic in these schools?!