Advice Please - Wife Going Overboard

  • Thread starter Thread starter Delta1977
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Evania said:
None of these lifestyle changes are wacky in and of themselves.
Click to expand...
Wearing Little House on the Prairie dressing in 2012, is wacky. Saying that TV is mostly satanic, is wacky.
Second of all that is based on a matter of opinion. In addition, you don’t know if her friends are “radical”, or if she is actually being influenced by them.
Click to expand...
Very true. But the husband came here for opinions and advice. If every time someone did that, we told them sorry, we need to know both sides of the story and meet everyone involved before we can offer any advice, no one would come here for advice.
You are saying this about a woman that you don’t know who has yet to give her reasons about any of these issues. All of this is speculative at best, and is based on one side of the story. If anyone wants to truly help this husband, and his marriage, the best advice at this point would be to get counseling alongside his wife with a trusted priest.
Click to expand...
Actually, sitting down with his wife and talking to her is the first step.
 
Evania said:
None of these lifestyle changes are wacky in and of themselves. Second of all that is based on a matter of opinion. In addition, you don’t know if her friends are “radical”, or if she is actually being influenced by them.
You are saying this about a woman that you don’t know who has yet to give her reasons about any of these issues. All of this is speculative at best, and is based on one side of the story. If anyone wants to truly help this husband, and his marriage, the best advice at this point would be to get counseling alongside his wife with a trusted priest.
Click to expand...
And most of us have suggested that they might need some counseling, but he could start by just talking to his wife and explaining his positions on the matter. But he needs to stop her from steamrolling right over him and the kids.

I have to say, as I think about it, someone who is idealizing a group of friends, when her family is doing just fine, she’s borrowing trouble and making changes based on others’ lives, is an insecure person. I was pushing to keep my son home for middle school, also based on others’ experiences, but with good reason, because my son has ADHD and middle school can be a nightmare for those kids. As it turned out, I was right, and middle school did become a nightmare, but I shouldn’t have pushed so hard against my husband’s wishes and my son’s wishes. Maybe if I’d have gone about it in a different way, he would have felt he could succeed and thrive, but I gave him the impression that he couldn’t handle it. That wasn’t my intention but bringing a child home when they’ve gone through regular schools up to middle school is tricky, and when they don’t WANT to be at home, I think impossible.

If this wife had been having a call to deeper spiritual practice, why didn’t she talk to her husband instead of getting involved with this group of self-segregating moms?
 
floresco said:
I agree with all the changes the wife wants to make. I think she is moving toward being more devout. I also think that she was wrong to unilaterally make decisions for the family.
Click to expand...
You agree that they should pull their kids out of a good Catholic school where they are happy and thriving, and that the wife should dress in matronly prairie clothes and make her daughters do the same? You think the girls should be pulled from competitive sports? You think that full-time hair covering is a positive change? You think it’s okay that the mom ridicules the OF Mass and wants to force her family to attend the EF exclusively? That the entire family should be required to wear scapulars, which are a private devotion? That ESPN should be banned from the husband’s life?

Really?
 
cheezey said:
…figure calmly, why the radical change, which could be a serious, even medical issue.…
Click to expand...
TheRealJuliane said:
And most of us have suggested that they might need some counseling, but he could start by just talking to his wife and explaining his positions on the matter. But he needs to stop her from steamrolling right over him and the kids.

I have to say, as I think about it, **someone who is idealizing a group of friends, when her family is doing just fine, she’s borrowing trouble and making changes based on others’ lives, is an insecure person. **I was pushing to keep my son home for middle school, also based on others’ experiences, but with good reason, because my son has ADHD and middle school can be a nightmare for those kids. As it turned out, I was right, and middle school did become a nightmare, but I shouldn’t have pushed so hard against my husband’s wishes and my son’s wishes. Maybe if I’d have gone about it in a different way, he would have felt he could succeed and thrive, but I gave him the impression that he couldn’t handle it. That wasn’t my intention but bringing a child home when they’ve gone through regular schools up to middle school is tricky, and when they don’t WANT to be at home, I think impossible.

If this wife had been having a call to deeper spiritual practice, why didn’t she talk to her husband instead of getting involved with this group of self-segregating moms?
Click to expand...
👍

Yes, she may have been an insecure person, who was going along just fine, til, possibly, something happened and it manifested itself with the habits of the “self-segregating moms.”
This is an extraordinarly familiar story for me. The woman in question was diagnosed with a medical issue; treated, and in due and precious time, came back to herself. Probably, not the case with the OP, but ya never know till all feasible questions are asked.
How OP would approach his wife with this possibilityis another matter…dunno
 
I would hope that those who are lurking and not comenting will not get the impression that the attitude of the wife in question is representative of traditionalists in general. I mean, some of her ideas of tradition go far beyond that of the average trad. Even the SSPX. Take, for instance, the wearing of a head covering even outside of Mass. In the seven years I attended the EF, I’d never heard of that. Not in the three years that I attended an SSPX chapel, and not at the FSSP parish did I know of anyone wearing a head covering outside of Mass. That’s just wierd. And the wearing of prarie dresses is also not a common thing, but only practiced by a minority of trads.

Also the limit on the drinking of alcohol (unless the wife is worried about the sinfulness of being slightly drunk, which is actually a venial sin). At the SSPX chapel I attended, families would sometimes bring in bottles of wine to be shared when socializing after Mass, but usually it had to do with a special occasion, which were fairly common.

And then there’s the brown scapular issue. There are certain commitments which are made for the wearing of the scapular - such as praying the Rosary daily. Does the wife not know about this? It would seem not. She seems to have been taken in by some strange anomaly of a trad commuinity. Definately not typical, from my limited experience. Even the SSPX doesn’t go to these strange lengths, which are a bit extreme, even for a trad.

Oh, and the anti-EF folks have much food for fodder in this thread, as it might seem to confirm all of their worst fears and prejudices concerning the EF and tradition. Which is unfortunate. Still, there are trads who develop a sort of cult mentality, which does have to be guarded against. The trad women friends of hers are obviously a bit fanatic. It can be a problem. I’m glad the husband wrote the letter. It’s a good one, and makes sense. I think that the wife just wants to become a saint, and her motivations are good. But moderation can be a mode to becoming a saint, too.
 
floresco said:
I agree with all the changes the wife wants to make. I think she is moving toward being more devout. I also think that she was wrong to unilaterally make decisions for the family.
Click to expand...
The Church does not say that the EF is better than the OF, that veiling,dressing Amish makes a woman more devout. Neither does the Church say that homeschooling is to be preferred, nor that a woman cannot have a career.
 
maryjk said:
Wearing Little House on the Prairie dressing in 2012, is wacky. Saying that TV is mostly satanic, is wacky. Very true. But the husband came here for opinions and advice. If every time someone did that, we told them sorry, we need to know both sides of the story and meet everyone involved before we can offer any advice, no one would come here for advice.
Actually, sitting down with his wife and talking to her is the first step.
Click to expand...
What I’m saying is that it’s a different point of view. That is still your opinion. Have you seen the dresses that his wife is wearing? Do they actually look like pioneer dresses, or are they simply long skirts and dresses that are modest? It sounds a little exaggerated to me. Name a store that sells anything remotely like a prairie dress. Is she sitting around sewing them?
Doubt it.
I have seen women wearing long dresses that would be considered frumpy, and you might consider it weird that you never see them in figure-flattering pants, but I wouldn’t classify it as “wacky”.

You are correct that the husband came here for advice, and I acknowledged that in an earlier post. However, does “advice” include critiquing a stranger’s wife, calling into question her motives, and in some cases questioning her mental capacity as some people have done? I’m simply asking people to be charitable and to not jump to conclusions based on hearing only one viewpoint. This woman is going about her life, probably oblivious to the fact that so many complete strangers are ripping on her when she just might have valid points of her own.

Now that being said, the husband obviously wants advice to solve the problem. In a previous post, the OP has stated that he had already talked to his wife, and that is why I suggested that they both talk to a trusted priest.
 
Evania said:
What I’m saying is that it’s a different point of view. That is still your opinion. Have you seen the dresses that his wife is wearing? Do they actually look like pioneer dresses, or are they simply long skirts and dresses that are modest? It sounds a little exaggerated to me. Name a store that sells anything remotely like a prairie dress. Is she sitting around sewing them?
Doubt it.
Click to expand...
I agree. The only place to find prarie or pioneer dresses is at the thrift store, or sew them. How does a woman who homeschools all those kids find time to sew or go through all the racks at the thrift store? It dosn’t seem feasible. Unless she gets the clothes from her homeschooling women friends. Which is possible, but seems unlikely.
 
Denise1957 said:
I agree. The only place to find prarie or pioneer dresses is at the thrift store, or sew them. How does a woman who homeschools all those kids find time to sew or go through all the racks at the thrift store? It dosn’t seem feasible. Unless she gets the clothes from her homeschooling women friends. Which is possible, but seems unlikely.
Click to expand...
I am quite suprised by the 'homeschooling" comments on this thread. Why in the world would a homeschooling mom with 2 kids in school have any less time to go to the threft shop than a regualr teacher that has 25 kids and works 8 hours a day?

Just some blatant judgementalism on this thread of anything different.
Why are so many people up in arms about someone who wants to do things a little differently?
 
russet1 said:
I am quite suprised by the 'homeschooling" comments on this thread. Why in the world would a homeschooling mom with 2 kids in school have any less time to go to the threft shop than a regualr teacher that has 25 kids and works 8 hours a day?
Click to expand...
How many teachers teach class while holding a 1 1/2 year old on their hip? Having homeschooled my sons for 13 years, I know what is involved.
 
russet1 said:
I am quite suprised by the 'homeschooling" comments on this thread. Why in the world would a homeschooling mom with 2 kids in school have any less time to go to the threft shop than a regualr teacher that has 25 kids and works 8 hours a day?

Just some blatant judgementalism on this thread of anything different.
Why are so many people up in arms about someone who wants to do things a little differently?
Click to expand...
We’re going into the weeds. This wife is not just “doing things a little differently.” Her husband is in distress, and doesn’t understand what has happened to his “former wife.” That’s the problem, not the prairie dresses or the sudden desire to take her kids out of a parochial school and home school them. She’s made these decisions on her own, based on the lives of some new friends. She’s upset the balance of the marriage by doing that.

The dressing down is a side issue.
 
russet1 said:
Just some blatant judgementalism on this thread of anything different.
Why are so many people up in arms about someone who wants to do things a little differently?
Click to expand...
No one is up in arms because she wants to do things differently. What people are up in arms about is the fact that these are drastic and sudden changes. Changes which she took upon herself to instigate without first consulting her husband or her family about what they want. It’s only about what she wants and from what it looks like to me she wants to be just like this “Susie” and her social group.
 
Denise1957 said:
I agree. The only place to find prarie or pioneer dresses is at the thrift store, or sew them. How does a woman who homeschools all those kids find time to sew or go through all the racks at the thrift store? It dosn’t seem feasible. Unless she gets the clothes from her homeschooling women friends. Which is possible, but seems unlikely.
Click to expand...
A simple Bing search located 3 different sites that will ship clothes to you. I am sure if I spent some time doing a real search, I could find even more.

They also carry head coverings and have recommendations for those that want to wear them full time.

So, no she doesn’t have to sew them or search through thrift stores. There are people that will ship them right to your door.
 
maryjk said:
A simple Bing search located 3 different sites that will ship clothes to you. I am sure if I spent some time doing a real search, I could find even more.

They also carry head coverings and have recommendations for those that want to wear them full time.

So, no she doesn’t have to sew them or search through thrift stores. There are people that will ship them right to your door.
Click to expand...
True. But it’s expensive to go this route.
 
Does she want to become a theoretical providentialist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a theoretical providentialist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a jansenist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a jansenist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a puritan wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a puritan mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a puritanist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a puritanist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a victorian wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a victorian mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a victorianist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a victorianist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become** a quietist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a quietist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a fideistic wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a fideistic mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a catharist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a catharist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a integrist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a integrist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a moralistic wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a moralistic mother? If yes, she is wrong.**
Does she want to become a wife acting like a conjugal nun? If yes, she is wrong;
Does she want to become a mother acting like a conjugal nun? If yes, she is wrong;
**Does she want to transform her husband in conjugal monk? If yes, she is wrong;
Does she want to transform her conjugal house in pre seminary? If yes, she is wrong;
Does she want to impose a conjugal life like in a seminary? If yes, she is wrong;
Does she want to impose a life of family like in a seminary? If yes, she is wrong;
Does she want to transform her conjugal house in monastry? If yes, she is wrong;
Does she want to impose a conjugal life like in a monastry? If yes, she is wrong;
Does she want to impose a life of family like in a monastry? If yes, she is wrong;
**
 
maryjk said:
A simple Bing search located 3 different sites that will ship clothes to you. I am sure if I spent some time doing a real search, I could find even more.

They also carry head coverings and have recommendations for those that want to wear them full time.

So, no she doesn’t have to sew them or search through thrift stores. There are people that will ship them right to your door.
Click to expand...
Again…This is speculative.

I’m not going to assume a complete stranger is having prairie dresses shipped to her door.
 
OP, please let us know what your wife says about your letter.

Thanks, we all wish you the best.

👍
 
fpt said:
Does she want to become a victorian wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a victorian mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a victorianist wife? If yes, she is wrong.
Does she want to become a victorianist mother? If yes, she is wrong.
Click to expand...
So what’s the difference between a victorian and a victorianist? Just wondering. 🤷
 
TheRealJuliane said:
We’re going into the weeds. This wife is not just “doing things a little differently.” Her husband is in distress, and doesn’t understand what has happened to his “former wife.” That’s the problem, not the prairie dresses or the sudden desire to take her kids out of a parochial school and home school them. She’s made these decisions on her own, based on the lives of some new friends. She’s upset the balance of the marriage by doing that.

The dressing down is a side issue.
Click to expand...
We’re assuming that her reasons are because of her new friends. Has the wife told the OP that they are the sole reason? It could be a case of that he disagrees with her reasons, and instead of looking at her points seriously, blames the friends. I’m having a hard time putting all the blame on the wife. I’m not blaming the husband either. I certainly agree that it is wrong to make big decisions without consulting your spouse. She could possibly have valid concerns of her own. I doubt the only reason why she’s doing this is because she’s being brainwashed by Susie. Is she being heard or validated by him? The letter is a great gesture on his part, and I hope she responds.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top