Advice Please!!!

[carguy]

So my cousin who has been married for a while now has been cheating on his wife. I haven’t seen him over a year now, since he has started doing this the family has not seen him. I feel so bad for his wife who I have always been close with and I don’t know what to tell her. He has been verbally and she has hinted that he has hit her. So I don’t know what to tell her. Any advice as to what I should tell her to do please.

 

[Eileen_T]

You should all be praying for him, especially the Divine Mercy chaplet, using his name in it.

His wife needs to be praying through the bonds of the marriage sacrament. Is she a Catholic? Were they married in the CC?

 

[carguy]

You should all be praying for him, especially the Divine Mercy chaplet, using his name in it.

His wife needs to be praying through the bonds of the marriage sacrament. Is she a Catholic? Were they married in the CC?

Yes they where married in the CC and she is Catholic. She and I have been praying for him to change. He did make a recovery for a short time then feel back into and now seems to be going back and forth. She is doing everything to try and save it, but I am scared if he has or is hitting her she shows no physical signs of it that I can see, but it does scare me a lot.

 

[Trishie]

It’s difficult to advise you. From what you say it appears that you are still in contact with your cousin’s wife, though not your cousin.
You are feeling very hurt for her.
To interfere, as you may realize, is not necessarily the best course though sometimes it can be.

Aside from prayer, if you say anything to your cousin’s wife at this stage I suggest it should be to urge her to seek some counseling, preferably with her husband.
If not with him, then she should seek advice from someone professional.
If it is possible to save the marriage as a healthy, wholesome relationship then the genuine attempt should be made.

You are emotionally invested so advice may be tricky and more objective advice may be needed. We seldom know everything about others’ relationships and whether or not both are in any way responsible for a dynamic, and whether it can be changed. Sometimes it cannot and it may not be possible here, but we do need to be careful, as you obviously realize or you wouldn’t have posted the question.

May God guide you, and may God act regarding your cousin’s behavior and marriage in any way that is needful…

Having posted this I see you are aware and that your cousin’s wife is trying.
You know what you have been told, but you do show some uncertainty about all aspects of the situation, which is wise.
All I can do is add my prayers to your.

 

[Castello]

Ask your priest.

 

[DexUK]

What a dreadful situation. I pray that he might mend his ways, repent and seek therapy for his tendency towards violence of word and action.

If you know that he is continuing to be violent towards his wife, then offer her sanctuary, or seek out information for places that do, because she must not permit this situation to continue. Don’t wait for her to ask - many battered women won’t because they may feel that they can’t.

From what little information you have provided here, it could reasonably be argued that he has no understanding of the sanctity and responsibility of his wedding vows and that his preparation for the sacrament was incomplete. If this has been a situation that has existed for more or less the entire marriage - you imply that the marriage is relatively recent - then there may be adequate grounds for an annulment.

In any case, you should offer your cousin-in-law as much support as you can, practically and prayerfully. Equally you should offer as much correction and guidance to your cousin as you can as well, doing so always sensitively and diplomatically. Do not get involved in slanging matches or arguments or that might only make things worse, especially for your cousin’s wife.

I feel for you.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

So my cousin who has been married for a while now has been cheating on his wife. I haven’t seen him over a year now, since he has started doing this the family has not seen him. I feel so bad for his wife who I have always been close with and I don’t know what to tell her. He has been verbally and she has hinted that he has hit her. So I don’t know what to tell her. Any advice as to what I should tell her to do please.

Pray for her. Pray for him. Urge her to seek counseling, and advise her to contact law enforcement if he’s hitting her; this might save her life.

 

[triumphguy]

If there is a diocesan pastoral care centre that offers counselling then phone and ask them.

If he is actually hitting her then Luna is right.

Prayer may not be enough if your cousin is actually being abusive - or rather you taking appropriate action may be an answer to prayer. I also have a problem with the simple: “ask your priest.” He may be unwilling, or unable to help, and may not have knowledge of the proper course of action (on the other hand he may, but…).

If in doubt talk to someone at the diocese - they should know where to direct you for the proper advice.

 

[carguy]

Also I should say they are both cops, but I know that doesn’t mean that she can’t still be in the same situation. I just feel so bad and to make it worse being that he is about 18 years older than me he was like my hero growing up being that I am only 20. I know it really doesn’t have any thing to do with what is happening, but I am scared that it might cloud my judgement.

 

[triumphguy]

Hero or not, your cousin needs to be safe: You know what you have to do, or if you don’t contact the diocese.

 

[DexUK]

I can see why you might be reluctant to “go where angels fear to tread” - but at the very least enquire - gently - with your cousin’s wife and offer her unconditional support. She may well not want to talk about it and obviously you can’t force her to, but it will help her, if things are bad, for her to know there is support out there if she needs it, whether or not she’s a cop - in fact that might actually be a problem for her if she perceives that colleagues in the police force might take sides with her husband - after all, it can be a bit of a chauvinistic occupation from time to time.

 

[Castello]

Have you actually witnessed this man “in the act”, if you have not, I would not tell the wife without the (name removed by moderator)ut of her pastor. Things may not be as they seem and you can never un-tell her.

 

[Trishie]

Regarding your cousin’s consultation of the priest and your own consultation of your priest, and regarding your lack of first hand observation of the concerns, the responding posters’ advice is in agreement.

Hopefully your sympathy for your cousin’s wife will be tempered by these considerations.

As your cousin’s wife is a cop, she knows how to handle an abuse situation if it exists, so perhaps there may be some need to be watchful of your emotional involvement. As a cop if she is in fact a victim of domestic abuse, she knows what the potential dangers are and the means to protect herself by removing herself or whatever else is needed.

You say that you’ve not seen your cousin for a year.
As this is his marriage, then his position in this discussion requires careful consideration.
The marriage is a sacrament between your cousin and his wife and must be dealt with at that level also. Discussion behind his back is not the most honorable expression of human behavior.

 

[MindOverMatter2]

So my cousin who has been married for a while now has been cheating on his wife. I haven’t seen him over a year now, since he has started doing this the family has not seen him. I feel so bad for his wife who I have always been close with and I don’t know what to tell her. He has been verbally and she has hinted that he has hit her. So I don’t know what to tell her. Any advice as to what I should tell her to do please.

If there is physical/domestic violence with no clear end, she needs to start thinking about finding a women’s refuge. Just because you are married to somebody does not mean you have to live with them when they are being violent to you. Some men end up killing their wives. Sometimes your worst enemies are the people you love.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

Also I should say they are both cops, but I know that doesn’t mean that she can’t still be in the same situation.

If you reasonably suspect that your cousin is beating his wife, contact the agency who employs him. They will want to know who in their employ with a gun and an awful lot of power and authority over others is engaging in domestic violence.

Luna

 

[Julia_Mae]

Have you actually witnessed this man “in the act”, if you have not, I would not tell the wife without the (name removed by moderator)ut of her pastor. Things may not be as they seem and you can never un-tell her.

This seems to me like very good advice. Also, it seems to me, having read though this far, a very good idea to back out of this whole mess. This woman, if she’s a cop, has all kinds of resources she already knows about. I speak as a former cop. So, you sound very emotionally invested in another man’s wife. Right now, I’m a bit concerned for your spiritual welfare. Go talk to your own Pastor, I think, is the best advice.

 

[Suslar]

If there is physical/domestic violence with no clear end, she needs to start thinking about finding a women’s refuge. Just because you are married to somebody does not mean you have to live with them when they are being violent to you. Some men end up killing their wives. Sometimes your worst enemies are the people you love.

I totally agree! If there is physical, verbal and emotional abuse, the safety of the abused woman is paramount! By helping her, you may just save her life.

God absolutely does NOT require couples to endure abusive “marriages” - in fact, such abuse is generally grounds to declare a Sacramental marriage never occurred in the first place.

As stated above, if you do not have first hand knowledge of infidelity, do nothing with that topic. But, if you have knowledge of abuse, you are in a position that requires you to do something. Don’t wait until you are “certain” or have confirmed your suspicions with someone else - act immediately to remove that woman from danger.

I’ll pray for you and your cousins.

 

[Trishie]

This seems to me like very good advice. Also, it seems to me, having read though this far, a very good idea to back out of this whole mess. This woman, if she’s a cop, has all kinds of resources she already knows about. I speak as a former cop. So, you sound very emotionally invested in another man’s wife. Right now, I’m a bit concerned for your spiritual welfare. Go talk to your own Pastor, I think, is the best advice.

Please take this very sound advice seriously.

 

[Leegal]

My least concern is the affair. The domestic violence is serious. And they are both police officers. That means they both have guns.

I’m also concerned that his behavior is erratic. Could something else be going on such as drugs or alcohol dependency?

You must urge her that she must get counseling – alone if necessary (and hope the counselor can convince her to leave the home and, unfortunately, report him). Offer to help her find another place to live if she opens up. However, I’m sure he knows how to find her through work so that’s what makes domestic violence among police more complicated.

Actually, domestic violence among officers, who should know better because they see this all the time, is not all that uncommon. Her reasons for not reporting it is that if she does he will be relieved of his duties and his weapons (as it should be). So, she protecting his job for him – maybe at the risk of her own safety. Domestic violence and guns are a bad mixture – especially if there is any substance abuse.

Other than telling her, if she has confided in you, to get counseling and move out I don’t see much else you can do. You cannot report him to his captain because you don’t have direct knowledge that he has hit her and that has to come from her.

The problem of the affair cannot be dealt with unless his behavior is under control because he’s not going to hear anything. The first order of business is for her to protect herself from her husband by getting out and away. Then she has the tough decision whether saving him will cost him his job because whatever allegations are made are going to wind up on his record. On the other hand, if this escalates a neighbor may call the police without her knowledge and it’s out of her hands.

It’s not the affair alone that’s leading to domestic violence and abuse; something else is going on here with him would be my guess.

Talk to a priest, urge her to go to a priest and a counselor – and pray for them.

God Bless.

 

[carguy]

So, you sound very emotionally invested in another man’s wife. Right now, I’m a bit concerned for your spiritual welfare…

I must say she has always been the one I went when I had issues with anyone I was dating at the time. So it only seems right that I repay the favor and try and help the best I can and can’t help but feel I HAVE to help her.