Advice: RE, going to Japan

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Hi Everyone,

I am really struggling with something, and would love some outside advice.

I am planning on leaving for Japan in a week to visit my Sister in Law. She is was due yesterday her first baby. Her husband is in the Air Force, so that is why they are over there. As a mother myself, I know how hard the postpartum period can be, which is why I volunteered to go over there and help her out for a couple of weeks.

Here is my issue: I am freaking out about going. I’ve never been scared of flying or traveling, yet I am petrified about this trip. I’m scared I’m going to die on the plan and leave my 2.5 year old motherless. I’m also nervous that he is going to really struggling with not having my around for 12 days. And I’m going to miss him and my husband so much.

My husband’s side of the family (it’s his sister I’m visiting) keep telling me that it’s ok if I don’t go, that they completely understand. But when I told my sister in law I was coming, she told me it was a total answer to prayer.

I just can’t figure out if this anxiety is God’s way of telling me I shouldn’t be going. I’m just praying for peace, praying that I do the right thing.

I don’t know if I have any real question from all this, but if you have any advice it would really be appreciated. I have many people I can talk to in real life, but I thought it might be nice to get someone with an objective prospective.

(PS – My husband is a teacher, and will be finished school when I am there, so he will be caring for my son)
 
Probably you are struggling with it because you are leaving your child for two weeks. Maybe you are really asking yourself “Who needs me the most”. Your sister in law is a grown up and she has a husband and an infrastructure to give her support. Your son is only 2.5 y/o and has only you as a mother. Who do you think needs more nurturing and presence right now. How much are 12 days in the life of 2.5 y/o and in the life of a grown up? Who would feel more abandoned under these circumstances?

What it the real reason for you to go? You better understand the short term and long term implications on the life of three people: you, your sister in law, and your child. Who has priority #1 at this point?
 
Christiano –

Yes, that does clarify things I think. Another factor is, and the main reason I offered to go, is that my SIL has suffered from depression, and has a very real fear of post partum depression. As someone with no history of depression who felt at least a touch of PPD after the birth of a child, I know that a strong support system is essential for getting through. So that certainly complicates things.
 
Could you bring your son with you? I can really empathize with you. My DD is almost 2.5 and still nursing. I couldn’t imagine leaving her for 12 days. I couldn’t even imagine leaving my 4.5 y/o for that long. I hope you find a good solution.

Oh, I just thought–how about going, but for just one week. Could you arrange to leave as soon as baby is born, so SIL gets the most help out of your time there?
 
I would say go. If you can bring your child, that’s awesome, but obviously your child is going to be looked after. Remember what it was like when you had your first child? Now imagine being completely alone at that time. It was overwhelming for my mom when she had her 4th and my sisters and I are all adults and could help her! She had 5 extra sets of hands and it was still a ton of work. Your child will be fine without you for a bit, but by the sounds of it your SIL might not be…
 
AdriannaJean said:
I would say go. If you can bring your child, that’s awesome, but obviously your child is going to be looked after. Remember what it was like when you had your first child? Now imagine being completely alone at that time. It was overwhelming for my mom when she had her 4th and my sisters and I are all adults and could help her! She had 5 extra sets of hands and it was still a ton of work. Your child will be fine without you for a bit, but by the sounds of it your SIL might not be…
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This does not make any sense to me at all!

A grown up women has more needs than a 2.5y/o child that is “obviously be looked after”?

Please lets stop playing sisterhood and lets play motherhood first!

How can you state that ‘Your child will be fine without you for a bit, but by the sounds of it your SIL might not be…’ ? You say that just because a 2.5y/o is not capable of expressing himself in a coherent manner? Guess why children grow up with abandonment fears?
 
AdriannaJean said:
I would say go. If you can bring your child, that’s awesome, but obviously your child is going to be looked after. Remember what it was like when you had your first child? Now imagine being completely alone at that time. It was overwhelming for my mom when she had her 4th and my sisters and I are all adults and could help her! She had 5 extra sets of hands and it was still a ton of work. Your child will be fine without you for a bit, but by the sounds of it your SIL might not be…
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Aside from a few church friends bringing over a couple of casseroles, I had no outside help for either of my babies’ first days. DH was able to take a few days off work, and that was it. I survived just fine. 🤷 In fact, I never really understood why some moms insisted that they need lots of extra help in those early days. Sure, you just sort of go into survival mode for a while, and you probably won’t be dusting your house or cooking elaborate meals. But really, I don’t see how things are going to fall apart if it’s just the nuclear family with no outside help. Even if baby is having sleep issues, mom and dad can trade off to get some sleep themselves.

Now if we’re talking about a single mom, or a mom whose husband is away (deployed or something), then that’s an entirely different situation. I can’t imagine doing the newborn days all by myself. But having a loving, helpful husband close by is not “all by myself”.
 
Thanks all. It’s interesting how outside opinions can really help you hash out your thoughts.

CatholicSam – While having my son and my husband come would have been the ideal, it was unfortunately simply not practical. The ticket was $1500, and the total travel time is about 24 hours. I can’t thinking of many things I’d like to do less than try and keep my crazy boy still and contained for 24 hours straight! But, yeah, there is no way we would have had the money to do it anyway.

Adrianna – You are right in that my child will be well cared for. Besides my husband, my parents and four siblings live 5 minutes away, and my inlaws and sister in law are 20 minutes away. We also leave only minutes away from his godparents. And, the reason I volunteered in the first place was because I struggled sooo much in my first few weeks postpartum – and that was with my mom, my MIL, my sisters, and my best friends all making meals, dropping by to clean my house, letting me get extra sleep. It was very, very, very hard…

Cristiano – I appreciated your advice, truly. I believe very much in forming a strong attachment. I breastfed my son until he was 2, he still is welcome in our bed whenever he wants (which is every night around 4 am!), insert all those other important attachment things. I know my son, and while I know if I go he will miss me terribly, I have no fear that he will feel abandoned. He has many many adults (grandparents, aunts and uncles) who will be spending extra time with him. He is very close with all of these people. He will be able to see me via video chat. He is pretty bright, and understands that mommy is going on a plane to Japan and will be gone a long time. He is also very verbal and very able to express his emotions.

I know it sounds like I am defending going, but in conversations with my husband, I’m arguing the other side (not going). I guess I just really want to think this through, and appreciated (name removed by moderator)ut from prayerful people (my husband being at the top of the list!)
 
CatholicSam said:
Aside from a few church friends bringing over a couple of casseroles, I had no outside help for either of my babies’ first days. DH was able to take a few days off work, and that was it. I survived just fine. 🤷 In fact, I never really understood why some moms insisted that they need lots of extra help in those early days. Sure, you just sort of go into survival mode for a while, and you probably won’t be dusting your house or cooking elaborate meals. But really, I don’t see how things are going to fall apart if it’s just the nuclear family with no outside help. Even if baby is having sleep issues, mom and dad can trade off to get some sleep themselves.

Now if we’re talking about a single mom, or a mom whose husband is away (deployed or something), then that’s an entirely different situation. I can’t imagine doing the newborn days all by myself. But having a loving, helpful husband close by is not “all by myself”.
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Maybe your emotional state plays into it? I was a wreck, an absolute wreck. I definitely had some PPD, and it was awful. Being by myself was the worst. When I had other people around to distract me, things were much better.
 
lizziebits said:
Maybe your emotional state plays into it? I was a wreck, an absolute wreck. I definitely had some PPD, and it was awful. Being by myself was the worst. When I had other people around to distract me, things were much better.
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Yes, your emotional state definitely plays into it. I didn’t have any emotional difficulties, so all I had to deal with were logistical difficulties. Learning how to juggle two kids instead of being able to pay my full attention to just one all the time. :juggle: 😃

I didn’t mean to project my own personal experience onto all new moms. I just wanted to give AdriannaJean another perspective. 🙂
 
God designed us to live in community, in big extended families with lots of hands to help in all our daily tasks. The desire to go assist someone when she has a baby is put there as part of God’s plan for us.

The whole “I did it by myself” is part of modern American stuff, not God’s design.

Remember, when Mary went to visit Elizabeth? Pray that mystery as you make this loving journey.

In a perfect world, you too would have a big extended family around to care for your son while you make this journey. Prayers that your husband has a good time.
 
CatholicSam – I appreciate your perspective one because it is so foreign from my own, and gives me hope for my next child!

Kage_ar – Your response absolutely brought tears to my eyes. I was praying to God today to please just make it clear to me what I was supposed to do, because I was so torn, and your reminder about Mary and Elizabeth I think is it. And, as I mentioned above, we are so blessed to have a wonderful large family around to help care for my son. I will be praying the Joyful Mysteries during the flight!
 
I agree with Cristiano about this.

Kage, I normally agree with you, but Mary didn’t leave Baby Jesus with St. Joseph to be with Elizabeth.

A two and a half year baby is still a baby and needs Mommy.

Is there anyone else that could take your place, like maybe your DH? I don’t know if you have a MIL who could go?
 
I would go. You child has his father and I’m sure he will be fine. It disturbs me how fathers are often discounted, it’s not like your son is an infant -he’s nearly a preschooler. Go help your sister-in-law, I’m sure you won’t regret it.

As an aside my daughter went on a road trip with my parents for 12 days when she was 2 1/2 and had a blast. You’d think what grandparents want a toddler with them on vacation especially while driving across country but my parents are kind of funny that way. We missed her lots but she was fine.
 
I totally agree with KageAr. Personally, I think it’s a wonderful opportunity. Your son will have precious time with his daddy and extended family, you get to help someone in need and see a new country. While I agree babies need their mommy’s, by 2 1/2 the toddler won’t be traumatized if mommy is gone for a bit. Daddy is there to take care of him, after all, he’s not staying with strangers. My two oldest children were primarily taken care of by Daddy, because I had to work for us to survive. Daddy’s are quite competent to parent their children. And, it sounds like your SIL could really use the help–PP depression is very serious and I can only imagine being in a foreign country, essentially alone would make it worse.

I have to be honest, I usually have to do it on my own. I’ve had my mom in for a week postpartem after a few of my babies, but that’s about the extent of help. No one brings me casseroles, we live far from family, and people have their own lives. I hate it each and every time. I would love the help, but it just doesn’t ever happen. God bless you for helping a new mom out!
 
Thanks again everyone for all the advice.

I’m feeling a lot of peace about the decision, which is fabulous. I was also thinking that God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of peace. Not going, I think, would have been a decision made of fear, and as JPII says “Do not be afraid.”
 
kage_ar said:
She is not leaving him at the park with a basket of cold cuts and a cell phone, he will be with daddy and family.
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The sister in law is not going to be left at the park with a basket of cold cuts and a cell phone, she will be with the husband and infrastructure support.

I really question how people set priorities.
 
Cristiano said:
The sister in law is not going to be left at the park with a basket of cold cuts and a cell phone, she will be with the husband and infrastructure support.

I really question how people set priorities.
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You don’t think her child will be happy and content with his father?
 
I’d say go. As you said, your extended family is nearby, so your child won’t be alone. And it would be a great blessing for your sister-in-law (and brother!) if you could visit.

My parents left us with our grandparents for three weeks to take a trip to South America when I was three and my brother was two. They had a chance to go there and they took it. We ended up having a great visit with our grandparents.
 
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