Afflicted by a hate for the feminine

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kfarose2585

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This is incredibly difficult for me to write about, but I don’t know where else to turn. Yes, I know, I should pray. And I have–or at least, I’ve tried. I just need some human support too. Maybe that makes me weak. Oh well, here goes…

I absolutely hate being a woman. I’m sure that’s no big surprise to people who have seen some of my other posts–about half are in some way concerning women, so obviously it’s something on my mind. I think about how much I detest my femininity an awful lot; in fact, it is the thing that threatens my relationship with God the most, so this is serious business.

It is also old business. I have wanted to be a boy since I was 3 years old. I would never actually consider a sex-change operation, but anything short of that has always seemed acceptable to me. I started off having all-male friends, refusing to wear dresses, and playing with toy cars in the dirt instead of bothering with dolls and other “sissy” stuff. As I grew older, I acquired a couple female friends, was talked into the occasional dress, and gave Barbie a chance. Now that I am a young adult, I look feminine but often avoid acting in a stereotypically “feminine” way because I think it is so inferior to masculinity. It is so bad that I have consistently taken birth control pills for six years to avoid the incredibly debilitating pains of menstruation (which just make me more bitter about being a woman) and in hopes of destroying my reproductive system so that I could never have a child. I am terrified of babies and pregnant women, and I can’t stand when women get really emotional. I just don’t know how to deal with them (or myself, for that matter).

I’m sure this all sounds selfish to you, and it is. Every woman has to experience certain negative things that come with being female, and most of them are able to just deal with it and move on. I don’t know too many who are as troubled about their femininity as I am, which is what made me realize that I have a problem. Now the question is, how do I fix it?

Turning to God doesn’t help because I can never quite reach Him. Every time I read the Bible, I am able to convince myself that God loves me less for being a woman. I tell myself that I am useless, that I was just created to be a baby machine, that I could never measure up to any man. I seek out information about the founding of the Church to prove that it was formerly headed by people who thought very little of women (see my posting about St. Augustine in the apologetics forum). I tell myself over and over that I am just supposed to submit, to obey, to realize my place as a totally unimportant person and to accept it. But I can’t because I know that I’m wrong, and if I did accept such a dehumanized position, then I would completely destroy my heart.

I feel like I can’t turn to anyone because I sound so ridiculous. And that’s the real kicker–I know I’m convincing myself of something that can’t be true (or at least, not entirely so). Yet, as crazy as this may seem, I almost feel like I am possessed. I’ve found it easier to pray to Mary for her intercession, but even then I can hear that nagging voice within me say, “you are nothing; you are worthless; you were only good for having babies and now you probably can’t even do that; God hates you; you have no chance in Heaven; but you can’t tell anyone this, because they’ll think you’re crazy.” I try to fight it. I think, “No, God created women and men to be equals; and He made me personally out of His love, therefore He can’t hate me and I can’t be useless,” but usually the former thoughts prevail.

So I come to all of you now with a cry for help. Pray for me. Advise me. Share your own stories of growing to love and accept who you are. And then pray for me some more–God knows that I need it.
 
Ive had tons of problems with coming to love myself for who I am and so on in the past…right now Im pretty happy about who I am and am confident that I will be an even better person by Gods grace…I think Im pretty cool these days :cool:

If you ever need to talk, PM me, no hesitation.
 
Dear kfarose,

Have you ever heard of The Dark Night of the Soul, by St. John of the Cross? It’s pretty heavy reading, but it was interesting to me at a time when I was having a bit of a “faith crisis” among other things.

Please consider finding a spiritual director. You might call your diocesan office (or maybe your parish office) and ask who does spiritual direction there. A spiritual director should be able to help you sort out some of the things you’ve been experiencing in your faith life, and just may be able to help you with many of your questions you have about the Church.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Alan
 
Dearest kfarose

Dear friend, it is not easy in life to always see our worth, I think this is something most people struggle with at some time or other. You most certainly are not crazy! Without knowing all of your childhood background, so forgive me if I am making an assumption here, but I suspect as a child you were not given much confidence in yourself. But kfarose, you are a child of God beautiful and precious in God’s sight, you are the ONLY one of you, you are important and the suffering you have is a sadness to God, He feels for your suffering and wants to help you. I think when we are younger we ‘work out’ our sexuality, our female and male roles and for that matter our roles in life altogether (the expresssion of clothing, musical taste etc is all a way in our early teens we work out who we are and where we are hoping to go), I suspect that something stopped you from doing this at that time in it’s completeness. One thing I do know kfarose is that you do not have to bear this suffering alone…talk to your Priest firstly, see what he thinks and where he can direct you to receive some help, if you are feeling ready to openly start to seek help and discuss this fully with some trusted and wise person. If there is something in the past that you think has affected how you perceive yourself it may help for you to seek some beneficial counselling, I had this after a death in my family, it is for totally different reasons I know, but kfarose, sometimes it helps to talk it out slowly and in a trusted confidential environment. There is no shame in this and sometimes it is painful to take steps like this but the end results may be very beneficial. Also everyone has a masculine and feminine side to their persona, sometimes the more feminine side is evident and sometimes the more masculine, this is true for both sexes. As a woman myself, I never wear dresses (not convenient for toddler rough play!!lol) I don’t bake cakes or watch romantic movies, we are all different kfarose and this is the wonder of creation and life!

As sexual identity is so core to who we are, this must be a great burden and trial to you and you are in my heart and prayers dear friend. Keep praying to the Blessed Virgin, all who seek her help are never refused. Dear friend, please don’t take any more of those tablets, your health is precious as you are and also try not to beat yourself up about the past act of doing this, we all do things for a reason. You know not everyone is called to a vocation of Motherhood and marriage, not all women do have children and marry. There are many ways to serve and love God outside of this. I want you to love yourself, I have never met you but I certainly love you as I love all people as you are a sister in Christ to me, in your baptised soul, resides the Holy Trinity, you have Christ within you dear friend.

I hope my few words are in some way helpful. I will pray for you,but you know what, I think you know yourself fairly well, you have examined yourself quite indepth and I think now you should start examining what it is that is wonderful about you! You sound like a very lovely and sensitive woman to me. God Bless you and much love and peace to you xxxx
 
p.s. God also made specifically humanity, male and female, with graces bestowed upon each sex for His Glorification.
 
I hear some of my own experience in your words. I was a tomboy growing up and I think I rejected certain aspects of what is considered femininity (excessive concern for appearance, clothes, shopping, “needing” a man, and definitely putting myself out there as a sexual object). Because I rejected this so strongly, I often wondered about my identity. It probably only made things more difficult that I was a bookworm and a contemplative (quiet) nature.

I have prayed to the Blessed Mother a lot to help me understand and be a genuine woman. What I have discovered is that I don’t have to try to be a woman, just faithful to God. With Grace, who I am shines through and despite not being a typical woman, I know the guys I work with know the difference. There is a difference in the way we approach problems and deal with problems.

Perhaps you could read the Pope’s writings on woman and Mary to get a sense of the dignity the Church bestows on woman. If you see your gender as part of your Christian vocation, it may give you a sense of purpose and appreciation for what God has given you.
 
Your “issues” are more with your sense of personal value than with gender per se. You seem to have dressed this in male/female terms when it is much deeper than that. It may sound glib, but good Christian/Catholic counseling might help. You might gain some insight from JP II’s Theology of the Body (better yet, Christopher West’s decanting of it since JP is dense and difficult).

Many women share your distaste for excessive emotionalism, romanticism, etc. People with severe dysmenorrhea DO question “the wonder of our womanhood.” :rolleyes: Many women bid farewell to their fertility with glee when the time comes. But none of this is necessarily anti-feminine. The spectrum is wide and generous.

I would second eremos’ counsel (and anything else eremos says; she is always totally on the money) while still seeking professional guidance. This will take more than prayer; this is something you need to discover.

May Our Lord and his Holy Mother guide you.
 
My prayers are with you and your struggle.

Gaining self confidence and knowing that God made me the way He made me was a struggle for parts of my life.

My cross to bear is also the body I live in, it took me 30 years to get used to the way this body fit. There were times in my youth when I felt that God had pulled a huge practical joke on me - you see, my body is that of a pseudoachondroplastic dwarf. While not a girly girl, I felt that I was a different SPECIES from other women. They were so lythe and graceful, I was waddling and dumpy. To wear a pair of high heeled shoes and dance in a flowing gown was the greatest desire of my life and I sunk into many depressions because I felt I was not a woman, just a freak. I married and had a child, yet could not accept that my husband actually loved me and found me beautiful BECAUSE of who I am - For years I felt it was IN SPITE of this body and because of beauty on the inside blah blah blah, and knew that he would leave as soon as a real woman came along. Dwarfs are even mentioned in the Old Testament as being unfit to enter into the Tabernacle, talk about thinking that God sees you without value. I had it in writing!

Thank GOD, that changed. I cannot tell you it was one specific thing or person - it was a series of events and people - they culminated in my being confined to a wheelchair for many months and being dependent on someone else for everything, and during that time I not only accepted myself - I was accepted into the Church. In fact, I was in the wheelchair when I formally began RCIA.

I’ll not go on and on, but, you are on the right track - PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Read the lives of the Saints, spend time with Our Mother, spend time in Adoration. Know that God created you, He knew you in the womb before you were born, you are a marvelous unique creation and you are the person you are by HIS design.

Praying for you - Kage
 
I have no idea about the pain this must be causing you. But I think a quote by St. Augustine might help put things in some perspective for you:

“Despise not yourselves, ye women; the Son of God was born of a woman”

Men and women are different, that’s for sure, but one is not superior to the other. Each one receives their grace from God in different ways, but both are equally important.
 
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kage_ar:
My cross to bear is also the body I live in, it took me 30 years to get used to the way this body fit. There were times in my youth when I felt that God had pulled a huge practical joke on me - you see, my body is that of a pseudoachondroplastic dwarf. While not a girly girl, I felt that I was a different SPECIES from other women.
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kfarose2588: When we think we have it bad, someone always has it worse. Kage_ar, God will bless you abundantly in eternity and thats where I would rather be blessed.:yup:
Puppy
 
A correction from my original post: the St. Augustine thread is in the sprituality forum, not the apologetics one.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Yes, I do have a problem with confidence, and it does stem from my childhood. I come from a family that likes to tease. Unfortunately, as I have told them, they often take the teasing too far, saying things like, “oh, you could never do anything like this” or “you are too clumsy to ever succceed in that.” And I am pretty sensitive, so I always take these things to heart. It annoys me that I am so sensitive, because if I weren’t, then I’d be able to handle their sometimes harsh words. But, that is who I am.

Kage, what a wonderful story. I hope that I’ll be able to tell a similar one one day. Did you feel negatively toward other “dwarves” too, or was it just against yourself? I tend to dislike feminine women, while at the same time I wish I could be more like them, yet I hate it when I act feminine! It’s pretty weird.

I think the thing that makes me believe in the inferiority of women the most is the fact that Jesus was “born of a woman.” In other words, that’s all she was good for: a vessel for something greater, though otherwise not great herself. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. Mary was a pure woman and an excellent servant of God. But let’s face it, if she didn’t have Jesus, we probably would have never heard of her. Besides, the son of God was not the daughter of God, and God Himself is almost never referred to in the feminine. Even God doesn’t want to be feminine!

Please refute the above statements, but be nice. I shall try to seek out some sort of counseling, though I am still a bit nervous about mentioning these things to a flesh-and-blood person. I’ll also keep attempting prayer. Be sure to include me in your prayers too.
 
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kfarose2585:
I hate it when I act feminine! It’s pretty weird.
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Hey! You should see me doing a take-off on some of the silly, shrieking, giggling women where I work (going to confession now).
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kfarose2585:
Mary was a pure woman and an excellent servant of God. But let’s face it, if she didn’t have Jesus, we probably would have never heard of her.
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Our tradition considers her to be the Queen of Heaven and the channel of all graces. As a Protestant, I used to think of her as a necessary vessel and no more. Boy! Was I WRONG! It might be a little premature for you at this point, but the writings of Louis de Montfort (making allowances for some exaggerated floweriness) have shed a great deal of light on her true position in the divine plan. It is her humanity, not her gender, that make her infinitely inferior to her Son.
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kfarose2585:
I am still a bit nervous about mentioning these things to a flesh-and-blood person.
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The courage to be real is a very great grace. You (and we for you) can pray for it. I was praying for you last night during a long period of sleeplessness. I couldn’t get you out of my mind/heart.
 
The Church is feminine. She is the one He dies for and lives for eternally.

The Son was entrusted to a woman as a representative of all humankind. This is not an argument of one being better than the other, male or female. We each have a role to play and we must not judge by human or wordly standards but by God’s.

If you haven’t already watch The Passion of the Christ. It is available on DVD now. A coworker who has next to nothing in terms of religious understanding of Jesus commented mostly about Mary in the movie. I told him that the movie is as much about her passion as Christ’s. If Jesus looks to anyone for comfort in the movie, it is a woman, his mother and mother of us all.

I don’t know how much more honor can be bestowed on a creature than was bestowed on “the woman” named Mary.

Regarding your reactions to femininity in others, I too feel inadequate at times. But I honestly think that comes from the Fall. We just don’t see or judge the world as we should. Society tells us appearance and image is everything and we can’t help being manipulated by it. I think it is an internal battle many of us will face. The anger you feel is your own battle that with God’s grace you can overcome.
 
KafaRose -

In answer to your first question, aside from the other members of my family with dwarfism - I had a bit of distain for other “LPs” (Little People to use the PC term). There is a national orginization that I saw no need to join, etc. Since, I’ve not only joined but served as an officer in that orginization for awhile. It is amazing the way things turn around. It is amazing how much I’ve changed. When I go anywhere, people are going to stare. That would make me feel so uncomfortable and angry in the past. Now, I truly do not even notice it! When I travel for work, sometimes I’ll travel with co-workers and THEY notice the stares and comment and get angry sometimes. I just walk through the airport and never even notice. My focus and outlook have made a 180 degree turn. Now, I know that I am beautiful!

To “refute” your feeling that Jesus being “born of woman” shows that she was only good for that - ponder this. God created the entire universe from nothing, He can make a man from dust, and Jesus told us that the rocks could cry out to praise Him. God is ALL POWERFUL. Jesus could have decended from Heaven as a grown man, He could have arrived in human form in any glorious way - or just slipped in quietly from the dust of the desert. He choose to be born of woman! Of all of the ways to come to earth - the way that He deemed worthy of His majesty. His chosen vessel was a WOMAN. What a unimaginable honor - He had the choice and He chose a woman. That just blows my mind and makes me both humble and proud to be a woman.

Just to give you one passage of the Bible to meditate on- Genesis 1:27
"And God created man to his own image: to the image of God he created him: male and female he created them. "

Praying for you!
 
Just a couple of thoughts for you! 🙂 The soul is feminine. Just tossing that out there; someone mentioned that the Church is feminine as the bride of Christ. A book you might enjoy is The Privilege of Being a Woman by Alice von Hildebrand, 2002, Veritas Press (1). It strikes me that society gives you ample, ample reasons to “hate” being a woman; modernity and the false metaphysics of the day promote a false femininity; it might be harder to find your bearings today! It’s harder for men, too, as they don’t have feminine women around them; many men are behaving like women these days, or failing to behave like men! Women’s dress is an interesting topic; dress should promote hygiene, modesty, and decorum (2), yet these days and from early in the 20th Century women have been encouraged to dress like men, which de-emphasizes modesty and the necessary differentiation of sex roles.
 
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kfarose2585:
I feel like I can’t turn to anyone because I sound so ridiculous. And that’s the real kicker–I know I’m convincing myself of something that can’t be true (or at least, not entirely so). Yet, as crazy as this may seem, I almost feel like I am possessed. I’ve found it easier to pray to Mary for her intercession, but even then I can hear that nagging voice within me say, “you are nothing; you are worthless; you were only good for having babies and now you probably can’t even do that; God hates you; you have no chance in Heaven; but you can’t tell anyone this, because they’ll think you’re crazy.” I try to fight it. I think, “No, God created women and men to be equals; and He made me personally out of His love, therefore He can’t hate me and I can’t be useless,” but usually the former thoughts prevail.
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My heart goes out to you. You are right, you are being lied to, both about who you are and about who you aren’t. You are also being lied to about what it means to be a woman, what it means to be in a position of submission (like Jesus) instead of a position of self-exaltation (like Satan tried to tempt Jesus to become), what the value of the vocation of parenthood really is, and even what the value of suffering can be.

By all means, get a spiritual director… and a prayer-partner, too, if you can find one. You have suffered this assault for long enough. You deserve a regular meeting with someone who will tell you the shout-with-joy truth.
 
Mary

Ruth (Old Testament)
St. Mary Magdalene
Elizabeth Ann Seton
Amela Earhart
Florence Nightingale
Edith Stein
Mother Theresa
Mother Angelica
Catherine of Siena
St. Claire
St. Monica
St. Kateri Tekakwitha
St. Rose of Lima
St. Teresa of Avila
St. Therese of Lisieuz
Catherine de Medici
Ada Lovelace (computer language ADA today named after her)
Grace Hopper (coined computer term “bug”)
Shi Dun (developed first paper)
Olga Korbit
Mary Lou Retton
Tara Lipinski
Katherine Hepburn
Betsy Ross
Rosa Parks
Anne Frank
Dana (Catholic singer)
Emily Dickinson
Helen Keller
Abigail Adams
Georgia O’Keefe
Clara Barton
Julia Child

There have been many, many other women of faith, science, sports, arts, literature, medicine, music, politics, humanities. These women have had an incredible positive impact. These women have been brilliant, courageous, selfless, loving, skillful, and strong.

They are an inspiration to both men and women.
 
I read your post with love and concern. I also grew up in a large family that loved to tease. I was the tom boy of the family. It took me along time to work through lifes ups and downs as a woman. But in searching through my life I saw the most important piece of my life was that, it is what God took so much time to make us all in his image.
I urge you to seek the advice of one of the other posts on spiritual direction.

Sit down and write out all the good things that you really like about yourself. God makes each one of us unique. He gives us all gifts and talents some of us do have to look harder than others.

I think it hit me the hardest when I returned to the church and a priest spoke about how important the role of a woman really is.🙂 It changed my life and I saw through the hearts of every little girl, boy, men and even other woman how easily they could all be taught to love Christ. We all can become the Mary’s in life and quietly save the world through our good example and love.
 
Wanting human support does not make you weak. It is natural to reach out to your community. I have always felt that women receive messages that should not be sent. I don’t know about now, but when I was in school, girls just “can’t do well in math”. Their opinions were taken less seriously, and often it was assumed they would marry, have kids, and hence, do absolutely nothing “important” with their lives. Society has its concepts of what is important and you perhaps have absorbed them. I have, to my sorrow. To fully get rid of the concepts seems impossible. Only perhaps to make peace with them and get them to stay away from running my life.

Years of unremitting pain may also be taking a toll on you. Nothing like a little pain to clearly focus the mind on just what part of you is so troublesome and then so easy to hate the organ in question. Endometriosis is a disease and so are other malfunctions of the reproductive system and it is okay to use medication to correct the problems. Wishing your fertility away, I don’t know how to help with that.

I wish you well!
 
Dear Kfarose,

I can identify somewhat with your emotions. I grew up the only girl with 4 brothers. I grew up playing street football, baseball (I especially liked playing “Pickle”), and even though I couldn’t ice skate, I became a pretty good goalie. I have never been a “girly girl,” either. I met and married a wonderful man, who loves me in spite of my tomboyishness. Not so much like that anymore - lots of grey hair and stiff joints. However, God blessed me with 2 wonderful sons, and I knew how to handle them, having the childhood I did.

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t be too hard on yourself about this. You mentioned that you are a young adult, so I’m thinking early 20s. Heck - I didn’t find out who I was until I was over 30. Don’t stop praying, and don’t think that God has forsaken you. He will never forget you, not even for a moment.Sometimes we have to take time to listen to Him, because He speaks so gently. And don’t be afraid to ask Our Lady to help, because never was it known that anyone who fled to her protection, sought her intercession, or implored her help was left unaided. And when you are feeling low, find a parish with Perpetual Adoration. Give your cares and sorrows to Our Lord. I guarantee you will find it beneficial.

God bless, I will pray for you.
Sue
 
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