Afraid of NFP - using ABC for now

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Serap

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I know I’m going to get absolutely slammed, but please be gentle with me and let me explain before I stand judgement and “mortal” sin is thrown at me :o

I am a fertile woman…a blessing and I have 2 beautiful children. I am nearing 40 and really don’t want anymore children. I have not had a menstral cycle yet and I’m just too afraid to have relations with my husband without ABC until my cycle is back to normal and then I can practice NFP again.

My son had terrible colic for 4 months and it was a nightmare. I have no family to help me, so I am completely alone with my kids. My husband and I have not gone on a date for 3 years now. I feel like I’m losing the man I fell in-love with and he’s losing who I used to be. We fight a lot about silly things b/c of the stress of children with absolutely NO family help.

I know that a 3rd child could put our marriage in danger. My husband is not a big help with the children either. I am solo. He changes diapers, etc., but doesn’t help much beyond that…doesn’t read to my daughter, make dinner, clean, take her to the park by himself, etc.

Because I know I am very fertile, I am terrified to have another baby given my circumstances. I have made love to my husband on 3 occassions since DS was born. The first time, we used no ABC and I was freaking out taking pregnancy test after test. The next 2 times, I used ABC. I avoid sex with my husband as a result, but if he wants to, I then submit and use ABC.

Once my cycle is back to normal, I plan to return to NFP. I keep apologizing to God for my lack of faith in Him and myself. I wish I would just get my period so I could feel more comfortable using NFP again.

Please don’t slam me; I’m already feeling terrible about this as it is. 😦
 
Serap said:
I know I’m going to get absolutely slammed, but please be gentle with me and let me explain before I stand judgement and “mortal” sin is thrown at me :o

I am a fertile woman…a blessing and I have 2 beautiful children. I am nearing 40 and really don’t want anymore children. I have not had a menstral cycle yet and I’m just too afraid to have relations with my husband without ABC until my cycle is back to normal and then I can practice NFP again.

My son had terrible colic for 4 months and it was a nightmare. I have no family to help me, so I am completely alone with my kids. My husband and I have not gone on a date for 3 years now. I feel like I’m losing the man I fell in-love with and he’s losing who I used to be. We fight a lot about silly things b/c of the stress of children with absolutely NO family help.

I know that a 3rd child could put our marriage in danger. My husband is not a big help with the children either. I am solo. He changes diapers, etc., but doesn’t help much beyond that…doesn’t read to my daughter, make dinner, clean, take her to the park by himself, etc.

Because I know I am very fertile, I am terrified to have another baby given my circumstances. I have made love to my husband on 3 occassions since DS was born. The first time, we used no ABC and I was freaking out taking pregnancy test after test. The next 2 times, I used ABC. I avoid sex with my husband as a result, but if he wants to, I then submit and use ABC.

Once my cycle is back to normal, I plan to return to NFP. I keep apologizing to God for my lack of faith in Him and myself. I wish I would just get my period so I could feel more comfortable using NFP again.

Please don’t slam me; I’m already feeling terrible about this as it is. 😦
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I’m not going to “slam” you. But, I’m really worried about you Serap. I can’t help but wonder, if ABC doesn’t work, what will you do? People who “trust” ABC and then it fails, are more likely to make bad choices once the baby is conceived. I’m not meaning to insinuate you would automatically do this, but I’m really worried. 😦

No one can tell you that you are IN mortal sin, because they do not know your culpability in the matter, but objectively speaking this is really grave matter. I love reading your posts, and feel that I kind of know you and I’m worried for your soul. I urge you to pray hard, trust God, and see a priest! You need the blessings of Sacramental Reconciliation, and you need some spiritual direction with this.

I’m going to pray super hard for a change of heart for you :o and that you receive the Grace you need to get through this.
 
Jea9 said:
I’m not going to “slam” you. But, I’m really worried about you Serap. I can’t help but wonder, if ABC doesn’t work, what will you do? People who “trust” ABC and then it fails, are more likely to make bad choices once the baby is conceived. I’m not meaning to insinuate you would automatically do this, but I’m really worried. 😦

No one can tell you that you are IN mortal sin, because they do not know your culpability in the matter, but objectively speaking this is really grave matter. I love reading your posts, and feel that I kind of know you and I’m worried for your soul. I urge you to pray hard, trust God, and see a priest! You need the blessings of Sacramental Reconciliation, and you need some spiritual direction with this.

I’m going to pray super hard for a change of heart for you :o and that you receive the Grace you need to get through this.
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thanks Jea…just to clarify for you and others. I would NEVER EVER have an abortion. If I became pregnant, I would have the baby. I would never kill my innocent child.
 
Serap said:
thanks Jea…just to clarify for you and others. I would NEVER EVER have an abortion. If I became pregnant, I would have the baby. I would never kill my innocent child.
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I’m glad you posted this, I didn’t want to say it necessarily, but honestly studies show that people who use ABC are more likely to have an abortion. I’ve never used NFP and we don’t plan to (we want a really big family) and I haven’t learned it, so I can’t help you with anything specific…but surely there are others on here that can help you through this hard to tell time. :o
 
Serap said:
thanks Jea…just to clarify for you and others. I would NEVER EVER have an abortion. If I became pregnant, I would have the baby. I would never kill my innocent child.
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Have you tried laying out what you said here in a relatively nice way and say, DH It’s too much right now can we wait x months until I am more ready to deal with things.

This will do 2 things:
  1. Avoid the sin of ABC (especially abortifacient ABF like the pill)
and
  1. Communicate to your husband (and we can be dense) how hard things are and hopefully a light will go on that if DH is more helpful there is more time and energy for that part of your relationship. Or at least he will be as tired as you!
Your husband should be a part of this…talk to him.

I admire that you came here to talk about this.
 
NFP is just as effective as other methods of artificial BC. And I think you would be super motivated to abstain. You can use the most conservative rules. Do you have an NFP teacher you could contact? They can be quite helpful. How old is your youngest?
 
Natural family planning may be as effective as the pill

Prior to the widespread availability of the combined oral contraceptive pill (“The Pill”) in 1960, preventing pregnancy came from one of two main methods: some form of barrier or a natural family planning method. With the introduction of the pill, this changed: the ability to take a daily hormone pill that promised over 99% effectiveness against unwanted pregnancies (0.16 unintended pregnancies per 100 women per year) was a medical breakthrough (although it should be noted that this is with perfect use). Taking the pill every day at the correct time is harder than it may seem to some—this writer included, who can barely remember to take his heart medicine daily.

On the other hand, a natural family planning method known as “the rhythm method,” where couples refrain from unprotected intercourse during a woman’s fertile period, traditionally has a far lower success rate (sources suggest up to 25 unintended pregnancies per 100 women per year). However, new research that will be published in the European journal Human Reproduction (DOI link) discusses a large-scale study into a method of natural family planning (NFP) that uses multiple indicators to identify the fertile phase in a woman’s menstrual cycle. The researchers found that this method is nearly as effective as hormonally based birth control pills.

more…
 
NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING BLESSED OUR MARRIAGE
by Fletcher Doyle. More than a means of regulating birth, NFP is first a means of building respect, communication, affection and a sense of freedom in a couple’s sexual relationship. The 19 couples in this book make clear that NFP not only helped them plan their families, it improved their marriages. All agree that the benefits outweigh the occasional challenges.
 
Serap said:
thanks Jea…just to clarify for you and others. I would NEVER EVER have an abortion. If I became pregnant, I would have the baby. I would never kill my innocent child.
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First and foremost, I am sorry for all that you are going through. :console:

Serap, most ABC pills ARE abortifacients. Meaning you could potentially have an abortion every single cycle.

If NFP fails and you are blessed with a child, there are many infertile couples out there who would love to foster (raise for a time) or adopt your child.

Just some thoughts. I will pray for you. :hug3:
 
I’m so sorry to hear you are being tempted to use ABC. ABC is never the answer.

I believe the best thing to do would be to abstain until you are confident to use NFP again.

My husband and I are in a similar situation. Childbirth ended up being life threatening for me. I almost died, but thanks be to God I am still here and able to care for my beautiful baby boy. Another pregnancy would most likely be very dangerous, so until I get my normal cycle back we will be abstaining completely. It could be for a really long time… but it will be worth it. I’m not saying it’s easy, but I can be done. Using ABC might seem like the easy answer, but no good can come from it.
 
In addition the World Health Organization lists the pill as a carcinogen.
 
Well, I’m not sure Seraph said she is on the pill.

No slamming from this corner, friend! I will say a prayer for you.

And I totally understand your fear. I was PARANOID that I was going to get PG right away after my babies were born (I have a freind who got pregnant twice within 3 months of the birth of the previous child :eek:). I was kind of mean to DH though, and wouldn’t let him near me for a long time. HE was very understanding, though, as I also suffered from PPD, and that made me even MORE paranoid, and even less “in the mood”!

Hang in there!
 
Serap said:
I know I’m going to get absolutely slammed, but please be gentle with me and let me explain before I stand judgement and “mortal” sin is thrown at me :o
…

Please don’t slam me; I’m already feeling terrible about this as it is. 😦
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Serap, It sounds like you are in that period after childbirth where your cycle is unknown and you are terrified to have another baby right now because you all simply do not have the resources right now. What I would suggest is that you get in touch with your parish about NFP resources, like whom to call about it. They would be in a much better position to help you out than we are here, and I know from my contacts with the La Leche League that they would be very kind and helpful to you.
 
I am not using the “pill”. I am using a diaphram to be exact. That way, when I get my period back, I can stop using it and go back to NFP. I’m just too afraid. I wish I had more faith.
 
Serap said:
I know I’m going to get absolutely slammed, but please be gentle with me and let me explain before I stand judgement and “mortal” sin is thrown at me :o

I am a fertile woman…a blessing and I have 2 beautiful children. I am nearing 40 and really don’t want anymore children. I have not had a menstral cycle yet and I’m just too afraid to have relations with my husband without ABC until my cycle is back to normal and then I can practice NFP again.

My son had terrible colic for 4 months and it was a nightmare. I have no family to help me, so I am completely alone with my kids. My husband and I have not gone on a date for 3 years now. I feel like I’m losing the man I fell in-love with and he’s losing who I used to be. We fight a lot about silly things b/c of the stress of children with absolutely NO family help.

I know that a 3rd child could put our marriage in danger. My husband is not a big help with the children either. I am solo. He changes diapers, etc., but doesn’t help much beyond that…doesn’t read to my daughter, make dinner, clean, take her to the park by himself, etc.

Because I know I am very fertile, I am terrified to have another baby given my circumstances. I have made love to my husband on 3 occassions since DS was born. The first time, we used no ABC and I was freaking out taking pregnancy test after test. The next 2 times, I used ABC. I avoid sex with my husband as a result, but if he wants to, I then submit and use ABC.

Once my cycle is back to normal, I plan to return to NFP. I keep apologizing to God for my lack of faith in Him and myself. I wish I would just get my period so I could feel more comfortable using NFP again.

Please don’t slam me; I’m already feeling terrible about this as it is. 😦
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Not trying to be a jerk, but you already know that it is a mortal sin (sin that TOTALLY severs your relationship with God. catholic.com/library/Birth_Control.asp
 
Serap said:
I am not using the “pill”. I am using a diaphram to be exact. That way, when I get my period back, I can stop using it and go back to NFP. I’m just too afraid. I wish I had more faith.
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Ah but serap you can’t wish for faith, you pray for it, and practice it, as this is the very exercise God has put before you to strengthen you faith, and your marriage. The thing is that there are consequences to your marriage if you choose abc that could be as bad or worse than the ones you want to avoid.

Prayers! It’s not easy. Most couples find themselves in this kind of position. There must be a reason behind that no?

Don’t forget to look into all of yor NFP options too. Postpartum can be a difficult but not undoable time. Have you looked into the Marquette model? It uses fertility monitor. Also there is the babycomp and ovacue which can be very helpful . Prayers hon
 
Serap said:
I am not using the “pill”. I am using a diaphram to be exact. That way, when I get my period back, I can stop using it and go back to NFP. I’m just too afraid. I wish I had more faith.
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Sorry! :o

Try to look at it this way:

Condoms/Diaphragms are not 100% effective. Neither is NFP. Actually nothing but abstinence is 100% effective. You risk pregnancy just as much using the diaphragm as NFP. But with one method (NFP) you have God’s blessing and approval, with ABC, you do not. Since there is risk for pregnancy using either method, would you rather trust your 1-5% failure rate to God or a condom? 😉
 
Serap, I don’t have any advice for you either way, but I want you to know I am thinking of you and I will pray for you. I hope whatever you decide to do brings you peace and that your anxiety is relieved. I’ll leave the practical advice to the other posters 🙂
 
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