Afraid of NFP - using ABC for now

[Jea9]

Serap, as others have said, this is a totally different issue than being afraid of NFP. I was in a relationship soooo close to yours. He NEVER hit me, but he did shove me when he was angry and I’d get in his face trying to talk things out. He was horribly emotionally abusive. My husband now suffers the still lingering effects of this. I’m ridiculously insecure and I need A LOT of verbal and tactile affirmation. I have been able to kind of objectively hear myself say to someone “well, he never actually hit me, and he didn’t get really physical all that often…” and it’s detrimental.

You are right that you can only change how YOU react, but I hope that you still seek the counsel of a priest, have a safe place to go if it comes to it, and get some marriage counseling. NOW!

 

[Rence]

It’s really tough b/c DH and I have been fighting horribly lately and his temper is getting to be too much. He has started to shove me in the heat of passion. I am so afraid that if I get pregnant, it will tear us apart, not to mention my sanity. I have tried to fix things with my husband…I have suggested counselling and he tells me that I’m the one with the issues and he doesn’t need to be fixed. He says that all of our problems are created by me…I’m such an idiot and I lack intelligence and if I were smart, I’d know what the problems were

I have told him that he has anger issues and that I don’t make him act out in anger. He chooses to act out in anger. He says it’s all my fault and my stupidy makes him lose his temper.

IMOHO, you need some immediate intervention. If he’s not willing to go to marriage counseling or anger managment counseling, I’d strongly recommend you separate temporarily. I’m not in any way advocating divorce or indefinite separation, and we all know that marriage takes WORK, but the situation you are describing above sends big huge red flags waving. You know your husband and your situation, unlike all of us here on this forum. If you believe that the stress of the kids and all the stresses associated with it, and not being able to deal with it, is causing all this emotional and physical abuse, then maybe the both of you need a vacation from the immediate situation and environment.

And fighting like crazy people with shoving and screaming is not going to do anything good for your children. It’s probably scaring the life out of them, and it’s certainly not providing an example for the way a mother and father are supposed to interact. If he’s not willing to remove the children from that atmosphere or situation, then you have to do it for him. I don’t see why, even if someone is angry, why they can’t take the arguement outside or to another room, or whatever to keep the kids from seeing and hearing it. How you and their father work out their problems will mold how your kids will work out their problems later in life.

And it seems to me that when one of you is mad, there should be a time period of cool down before addressing what the problem is that caused the anger.

I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to get some counseling, and get him to join you, even if it’s after your counseling is started. Look at the cyle you’re describing: even if he tries to talk to you, you’re now ignoring him. It is not your fault, it is not that you’re stupid, and it’s not your stupidity, it’s not any of the things he says. Marriage takes work, and it takes the cooperation of both parties, not just him saying goodbye on the way out while he leaves you in a stressful environment. He needs to be there for you when he’s angry as well as when he’s leaving all his “home” problems behind for the day.

Just keep in mind the LAWS where you live. When I was growing up, my father was emotionally, verbally and later wound up being physically abusive. My mom was always told in her state, not to leave the home without legal intervention, because her husband can turn around and get a lawyer and have her charged with “abandonment”. All she had to do was either get a legal separation. It may not be that way where you live. You may just need to leave him a letter (make a copy of it) that just says: “I’m going to my moms until you can reign in your temper. I’m afraid you’re going to hurt me and this fighting is only scaring our children. I’ll be back when you agree to counseling” or something of that nature. Check first before you do anything. You don’t want to create a bigger mess. And people do the dumbest (and meanest) things when they are angry.

We are in a rut and we need to get out of it. A baby definitely would only makes things worse at this point. We need to work things out and that’s all I can focus on right now given that I am also caring for my two beautiful children.

I would definitely not be getting pregnant at this time. NFP isn’t the problem, or what you are afraid of. The problem is the marriage itself is in danger, and your hubby is who you are afraid of. I’m not sure I’d be sleeping with him at all during this time of turmoil, but I can’t answer that for you. It very well may be true that you’re in a rut, but the rut sounds pretty serious, so please try to stop the rut from continuing and getting worse. You need to be proactive about stopping this behavior and getting back on the path of living as a married couple and I don’t see how you can do that by yourselves.

So as you see, there are good reasons why I am afraid. Am I in mortal sin? I don’t know.

I don’t believe you’re in mortal sin, according to what you wrote. But I believe you’re in trouble. And you need to get some help. I’d start with a good priest or a counseler from the diocese. And I would seek out support resources in your area.

I’ll keep praying for you. Please keep yourself and your kids safe. And your hubby too. I’m picturing an explosive man from your description, and when I see that, I find that they need some major help as well…

 

[Em_in_FL]

I agree with the other posters… you need to find some marriage intervention as soon as possible. Whatever the source of the problem is doesn’t matter - it takes 2 to make a marriage work, so BOTH of you need help - certainly not just him, and certainly not just you. He may need reassurance that you are not “blaming” him entirely - remind him that marriage is husband AND wife… and YES, I’m saying it’s important to take some of the “blame” (if that’s what he wants you to do) JUST to GET him to go to the counseling… it’s that important.

NFP CAN be used before your cycle returns… it’s tough, but there’s no reason why you should have to abstain completely until your cycles return - that would be terribly hard.
What method are you using? Do you have any support from your instructors? Get in touch with your instructors and ask for help. There are absolutely ways you can find time to reconnect with your husband while avoiding conception during this time! But YOU need to step up and get to those classes and READ as much NFP information as possible.

God bless you and your husband… prayers for your situation…

 

[Belle10]

Serap, I’ll try to say this as gently as possible.

Why on earth are you risking YOUR salvation by using ABC in order to “safely” sleep with a husband who verbally, emotionally and now physically ABUSES you? Why is your soul worth his sexual gratification?

Which sounds like it’s all he really wants - sex. Not closeness with the person who is his wife.

And by remaining in this situation, allowing him to fling his insults and scream at you while in front of your daughter, isn’t going to just ruin her relationship with him, but will ruin HER as well. She will begin to see that it’s okay if men treat women that way, it’s a non issue, because mommy took it from daddy. And girls who witness spousal abuse often choose bad husbands because they search for someone like dad.

ABC will not help your marriage; I can guarantee that. It may even hurt your marriage, because now your husband can have your body but remain detached from you. There is no giving of self, only taking. How can that help heal things? It can’t.

What you need now, I’m afraid, is to step away from your marriage. Get yourself to a safe place where your children won’t witness this abuse, and figure out what, if anything, can be done.

Your husband sounds like a very angry man who places all the blame for his unhappiness on you and his children. What happens if the next time he is angered he doesn’t just shove you, but hit you?

:sad_yes: Good post.

I think you should do the following in this order:

1. Go to confession.
2. Meet with your priest and discuss the whole situation. He will guide you better than us (and better than you can guide yourself).
3. Ask your husband to meet with the priest. Hopefully he will confess his sins too.
4. If your husband refuses to meet with the priest, you may very well need to separate for the safety of you and your kids.
5. Do you have a good relationship with his parents? Perhaps you can discretely share your concerns with them without being too specific. Sometimes a parent can have a lot of influence.

I think it is important that you do these steps in order. Your husband is in grave sin and it shows by his actions. It may be possible for him to get “cleaned” up and return to the man he used to be, but if is unwilling to acknowledge it and refuses to meet with a priest he is making the decision for you.

I agree with these ideas.

Serap, you know in your heart what you *should *do…it’s the doing it that’s difficult. I absolutely sympathize with your concerns about NFP and possibly getting pregnant again
right away, I have some similar fears about getting pregnant right away (though DH and I are not in the same situation as you are with your husband). We’re just learning NFP right now (second class tomorrow night) and it’s tough, especially with all the other things that go along with being postpartum (fatigue, mood swings, etc.). I’ll remember you in my Rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy today. :hug1:

 

[NoxSineStellae]

I didn’t see this part…he isn’t supposed to shove you.

Ask him if he imagines St. Joseph ever pushing Our Lady.

Be prepared for him to say Our Lady never gave St. Joseph a reason to push her.

Serap, pushing/shoving is physical abuse and you are “tolerating” physical abuse by giving it another name. Kicking is also physical abuse. So is smacking with an open palm verses a closed fist. So is throwing objects at you/near you. My father broke my mother’s leg once by throwing a metal trash can at her. She was just making him so mad! She fell down the steps and broke her leg - but he never hit her. We witnessed him push her to the ground, shove her up against the wall, scream horrible, horrible things you can’t (well, you probably can) imagine in her face, but he never hit her in the face with a closed fist as far as I know so there was always a reason why it wasn’t that bad.

He did hit his children with a closed fist - would chase us down, hold us down, and punch us. I’m 32 now and only just beginning to realize that what I witnessed between my parents, and why my father did to me was not acceptable behavior and it was abuse. When he would punch me or smack me or kick me (teenage girl who NEVER acted out except for occasional mouthiness that didn’t even include profanity vs a 250lb construction worker), or beat my siblings, or kick the baby across the room, because we were stupid and ruining his life, I’d brush it off and make excuses for him, because it was all I saw from my mother. Him hurting her - physically and emotionally, destroying her slowly as a person until there is NOTHING left of her sense of self worth or dignity - has nearly destroyed me too. But there’s nothing I can do about it, nothing I can say to either of them. It is a terrible, hopeless, horrible, feeling.

You need to call a spade a spade and react to a push exactly the way you would react to being hit. You ARE being hit. His hands are on you in anger. Go from there. Don’t keep moving the line of acceptable behavior. I know it’s easier said than done, but the farther it’s moved, the harder it will be.

I am praying a rosary for you, your children, and your husband tonight. I am not a good Catholic, but I believe in Mary and her love and intercession, and I hope it will count.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Which sounds like it’s all he really wants - sex. Not closeness with the person who is his wife…

“it’s all he really wants–sex” Sorry, I’m not going to defend him for shoving his wife, but I don’t think we benefit either the op or her husband with a statement like that. Since we’re accused of always taking the wife’s side here at CAF, I’m going to go where it’s not safe and speak up in defense of men here. (disclaimer again: I’m NOT excusing this man for pushing his wife.) For many men, sex brings a feeling of closeness. I’m not a man-that’s just what I’ve read many times and suspect it to be true based on my experience with my own dh. If the op is feeling overwhelmed by motherhood, as evidenced by numerous other posts here, and if she’s denying her husband relations because she’s afraid of pregnancy and another child, then he may perceive that she is rejecting him. And she is. He may very well have some justifiable reasons to be angry. That certainly doesn’t excuse him for acting out physically. But he may very well want closeness with his wife and he may feel she’s pushing him away sexually.

On the contraception front, she now wishes to stop pushing him away sexually, but turns instead to “protecting” herself through contraception. She’s set up an artificial barrier to protect herself from his sperm. Ultimately, I still see contraception as a form of sexual rejection–and on an unconscious level, so might her husband. Perhaps that doesn’t register with them now, but one day it might.

Women are often much better with words. When we argue, we’re often much better at “winning” verbal arguments–except there’s really no winner when couples fight like this. Especially not when the spouse with weaker verbal skills resorts to using physical skills.

Serap, other’s have suggested counselling and a priest. I pray you get a good one.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Be prepared for him to say Our Lady never gave St. Joseph a reason to push her.
.

I think about that in my relating to my children. I know we are to treat our children as Mary treated Jesus. “But then I think, Jesus was perfect, so Mary would have no reason to get annoyed” But they didn’t live in a bubble. Our Lady interacted with many babies, probably St. John the Baptist, and St. John the evangelist and St. James. I am certain she was perfectly motherly with them as well.

St. Joseph is the example of Father and Husband we need.

Serap, could I suggest asking for his intervention. I’ll pray for you as well.

 

[NoxSineStellae]

I think about that in my relating to my children. I know we are to treat our children as Mary treated Jesus. “But then I think, Jesus was perfect, so Mary would have no reason to get annoyed” But they didn’t live in a bubble. Our Lady interacted with many babies, probably St. John the Baptist, and St. John the evangelist and St. James. I am certain she was perfectly motherly with them as well.

St. Joseph is the example of Father and Husband we need.

I completely agree with this. I was just preparing Serap for a possible response. My mother tried that one on my father, and that’s the answer she received. It was incredibly successful in making her feel even worse about herself and as though she were hell bound - and not only that, but responsible for all my father’s sins as well. That wasn’t very productive.

Once, after witnessing some physical abuse between them - in the form of shoving - I asked my father (I was livid with rage, it is the only time in my life I was not afraid of what he might do to me, and I have had good reason to fear for my life on several occasions) what he would do if he witnessed his father pushing his - sainted, enabling - mother. His response was the same. Grandma “didn’t ask for it” like my mother did.

Serap’s husband may be a better, more godly man than my father; it may be what he needs to snap out of this insanity. I hope so. It might also bring the deriding of religion into his insults, if it’s not there already.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

“it’s all he really wants–sex” Sorry, I’m not going to defend him for shoving his wife, but I don’t think we benefit either the op or her husband with a statement like that. Since we’re accused of always taking the wife’s side here at CAF, I’m going to go where it’s not safe and speak up in defense of men here. (disclaimer again: I’m NOT excusing this man for pushing his wife.) For many men, sex brings a feeling of closeness. I’m not a man-that’s just what I’ve read many times and suspect it to be true based on my experience with my own dh. If the op is feeling overwhelmed by motherhood, as evidenced by numerous other posts here, and if she’s denying her husband relations because she’s afraid of pregnancy and another child, then he may perceive that she is rejecting him. And she is. He may very well have some justifiable reasons to be angry. That certainly doesn’t excuse him for acting out physically. But he may very well want closeness with his wife and he may feel she’s pushing him away sexually.

On the contraception front, she now wishes to stop pushing him away sexually, but turns instead to “protecting” herself through contraception. She’s set up an artificial barrier to protect herself from his sperm. Ultimately, I still see contraception as a form of sexual rejection–and on an unconscious level, so might her husband. Perhaps that doesn’t register with them now, but one day it might.

Women are often much better with words. When we argue, we’re often much better at “winning” verbal arguments–except there’s really no winner when couples fight like this. Especially not when the spouse with weaker verbal skills resorts to using physical skills.

Serap, other’s have suggested counselling and a priest. I pray you get a good one.

Not going to man bash-----but if Serap is overwhelmed with motherhood, shouldn’t the father help her? Shouldn’t he take an active role in learning NFP? Shouldn’t he tell her, I want to be with you, but I don’t want you to contracept, so I’ll learn NFP with you?

There have been times where I could be the weak one…like the months of 15 days of baby stickers. I ask my DH, if he thinks NFP is too hard, if it’s worth us having to abstain. He lets me know that contraception isn’t an option…so we need to wait.

Also, I think if the marriage is so volataile, it wouldnt be fair to bring in a new baby…. So I would suggest abstaining until they fix the marriage.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I completely agree with this. I was just preparing Serap for a possible response. My mother tried that one on my father, and that’s the answer she received. It was incredibly successful in making her feel even worse about herself and as though she were hell bound - and not only that, but responsible for all my father’s sins as well. That wasn’t very productive.

Once, after witnessing some physical abuse between them - in the form of shoving - I asked my father (I was livid with rage, it is the only time in my life I was not afraid of what he might do to me, and I have had good reason to fear for my life on several occasions) what he would do if he witnessed his father pushing his - sainted, enabling - mother. His response was the same. Grandma “didn’t ask for it” like my mother did.

Serap’s husband may be a better, more godly man than my father; it may be what he needs to snap out of this insanity. I hope so. It might also bring the deriding of religion into his insults, if it’s not there already.

I wan’t disagreeing with you. Just elaborating on what I had said.

I’m really sorry to hear about your childhood. :hug1:

 

[shannyk]

“it’s all he really wants–sex” Sorry, I’m not going to defend him for shoving his wife, but I don’t think we benefit either the op or her husband with a statement like that. Since we’re accused of always taking the wife’s side here at CAF, I’m going to go where it’s not safe and speak up in defense of men here. (disclaimer again: I’m NOT excusing this man for pushing his wife.) For many men, sex brings a feeling of closeness. I’m not a man-that’s just what I’ve read many times and suspect it to be true based on my experience with my own dh. If the op is feeling overwhelmed by motherhood, as evidenced by numerous other posts here, and if she’s denying her husband relations because she’s afraid of pregnancy and another child, then he may perceive that she is rejecting him. And she is. He may very well have some justifiable reasons to be angry. That certainly doesn’t excuse him for acting out physically. But he may very well want closeness with his wife and he may feel she’s pushing him away sexually.

On the contraception front, she now wishes to stop pushing him away sexually, but turns instead to “protecting” herself through contraception. She’s set up an artificial barrier to protect herself from his sperm. Ultimately, I still see contraception as a form of sexual rejection–and on an unconscious level, so might her husband. Perhaps that doesn’t register with them now, but one day it might.

Women are often much better with words. When we argue, we’re often much better at “winning” verbal arguments–except there’s really no winner when couples fight like this. Especially not when the spouse with weaker verbal skills resorts to using physical skills.

Serap, other’s have suggested counselling and a priest. I pray you get a good one.

gardens I’m sorry but I have to speak up for serap here.

yes, she has posted about feeling overwhelmed. The reasons have included her husband not helping with their very high needs newborn, and calling her stupid and an idiot for not being able to figure things out herself. Who wouldn’t be overwhelmed in that situation? Let’s not use her previous posts against her. It’s not just the physical aspect here that is abusive, you don’t have to be physical to be an abuser. Even Serap said things have ‘escalated’ to the shoving, so there has obviously been more that proceeded it.

I really object to you saying she has ‘pushed him away sexually’. A period of abstinence after a baby is something a lot of couples endure for various reasons. If I recall correctly, Serap was interested in resuming marital intimacy before her husband. I think you saying she has been pushing him away is an unfair stretch. Heck, she’s had a colicky baby, a toddler, and a verbally and emotionally abusive husband telling her it’s all her fault. If anyone is doing the pushing away, it’s him. HE has an obligation to treat his wife in a way that is conducive to intimacy as well. She is to surrender to his LOVE of her not his abusive behavior.

This has nothing to do with always defending the wife, I’m sure Serap is not perfect as non of us are. However imperfect she is, she doesn’t not deserve this abuse. HE needs to take some responsibility for his mental health, which is obviously lacking greatly. A well person doesn’t treat his wife this way. The right to marital relations doesn’t exist in a vacuum either.

 

[sanctareparata]

“it’s all he really wants–sex” Sorry, I’m not going to defend him for shoving his wife, but I don’t think we benefit either the op or her husband with a statement like that…

I did not say it IS what he wants, as you quoted. I said it SOUNDS like this is what he wants, because by his very actions he is making it clear that intimacy with his wife in daily life isn’t something he desires. A man who desires intimacy with his wife, and not just sex, doesn’t treat his beloved this way.

Also, ABC is known to change the self “giving” act of intercourse into a selfish “taking.”

 

[Serap]

oooo boy…I need some time to clear my head. I’ll write back tomorrow.

man, I really opened up a can o’ worms here

thanks for everyone’s prayers! last night I prayed to all the saints and said “whoever wants to help me, please do!”

 

[prolifewife]

“it’s all he really wants–sex” Sorry, I’m not going to defend him for shoving his wife, but I don’t think we benefit either the op or her husband with a statement like that. Since we’re accused of always taking the wife’s side here at CAF, I’m going to go where it’s not safe and speak up in defense of men here. (disclaimer again: I’m NOT excusing this man for pushing his wife.) For many men, sex brings a feeling of closeness. I’m not a man-that’s just what I’ve read many times and suspect it to be true based on my experience with my own dh. If the op is feeling overwhelmed by motherhood, as evidenced by numerous other posts here, and if she’s denying her husband relations because she’s afraid of pregnancy and another child, then he may perceive that she is rejecting him. And she is. He may very well have some justifiable reasons to be angry. That certainly doesn’t excuse him for acting out physically. But he may very well want closeness with his wife and he may feel she’s pushing him away sexually.

On the contraception front, she now wishes to stop pushing him away sexually, but turns instead to “protecting” herself through contraception. She’s set up an artificial barrier to protect herself from his sperm. Ultimately, I still see contraception as a form of sexual rejection–and on an unconscious level, so might her husband. Perhaps that doesn’t register with them now, but one day it might.

Women are often much better with words. When we argue, we’re often much better at “winning” verbal arguments–except there’s really no winner when couples fight like this. Especially not when the spouse with weaker verbal skills resorts to using physical skills.

Serap, other’s have suggested counselling and a priest. I pray you get a good one.

I’m with Gardens here. Let’s not bash her husband. Let’s try to help him instead.

Prayers for you Serap. :console:

 

[Serap]

I’m with Gardens here. Let’s not bash her husband. Let’s try to help him instead.

Prayers for you Serap. :console:

yeah I agree too. My husband IS a very nice and kind man. He has anger issues as a result of abandonment issues from his childhood. He too comes from a bad place. His mom was awesome, but his dad was abusive and neglectful. DH had no love from his dad.

When men have unresolved abandonment issues, they often act out in anger. Women talk about it and cry…men feel like sissies doing that, so they act manly and grrrrrrrr…get real angry!

I am not making excuses for him. It’s wrong. I am also contributing to this mess by verbally abusing him too. My marriage is a mess right now, but if I REALLY work on what I can control and things STILL don’t improve, then I will have to separate for a while. I am hoping it won’t come to that.

I found a great Christian marriage website and it said to do this:

1. pray pray pray - and being Catholic means go to Confession
2. everytime my DH calls me a nasty name, to not react and just walk away - leave the house if need be (depending on how angry I’m feeling).

It said that me getting angry, crying, complaining, etc. is only going to get negative results. It said that it will be way more effective and I will have a good chance of changing his behaviour. He will begin to see that I have boundaries that I will no longer let him cross.

It then said after I cool off and have given my DH a time out, to forgive him and pray for him.

It then said that if DH continues his behaviour, to seek counselling on my own and then get DH to come for a session to resolve the issues. It also recommended me going for counselling regardless. I am going to shoot off an email to my very good priest friend and see what he can recommend.

I am a mess

 

[sanctareparata]

When men have unresolved abandonment issues, they often act out in anger. Women talk about it and cry…men feel like sissies doing that, so they act manly and grrrrrrrr…get real angry!

The men I know who have “abandonment issues” DO get mad. They get angry. They get frustrated. But they don’t belittle their wives, blame them for their unhappiness or get physically abusive with them.

In the time I’ve known you online, he’s gone from belittling you, to emotionally abusing you, to now physically abusing you. You ARE making excuses, and that worries me.

I worry about the harm being done to your children. Ignoring your husband is no better than badmouthing him, IMHO. There is a coldness there that your kids shouldn’t have to witness.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Just a recommendation for your husband (these are books that I have found to be very helpful for me in loving my wife):

“Be A Man” by Fr. Larry Richards

“The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West

If there is going to be a change in him, he has to want to make that change, time to plant the seeds to help him make that decision to change. Pray for his desire to change (along with all the other suggestions and steps you are already taking, this is just some additional information).

 

[prolifewife]

Just a thought. How do we define abuse? It seems that one wrong word, one wrong action these days and the person is labeled an abuser. Now, granted, in Serap’s case there is repetition of the behavior, but that doesn’t automatically put him in the hot seat either. I’m not trying to let him off the hook, just being realistic. Many men get angry. Some men get angry more than others. If divorce or separation was suggested for every angry or “abusive” man, their would be hardly any marriages left. It is people like Serap that put their heart and soul into their marriages that save many a marriage from divorce. I’m not sure that Serap leaving her husband would be good for the kids either. Divorce does more than it’s fair share of messing kids up emotionally. So I can totally see why Serap is waiting this out and trying to make it work. Serap I think you are doing the right thing in trying to make it work.

Ducks from flying tomatoes

 

[sanctareparata]

Just a thought. How do we define abuse? It seems that one wrong word, one wrong action these days and the person is labeled an abuser. Now, granted, in Serap’s case there is repetition of the behavior, but that doesn’t automatically put him in the hot seat either. I’m not trying to let him off the hook, just being realistic. Many men get angry. Some men get angry more than others. If divorce or separation was suggested for every angry or “abusive” man, their would be hardly any marriages left. It is people like Serap that put their heart and soul into their marriages that save many a marriage from divorce. I’m not sure that Serap leaving her husband would be good for the kids either. Divorce does more than it’s fair share of messing kids up emotionally. So I can totally see why Serap is waiting this out and trying to make it work. Serap I think you are doing the right thing in trying to make it work.

Ducks from flying tomatoes

I’m not saying she should divorce him. I honestly believe he could be helped, if he desires that. But I think it’s also detrimental for her to stay, and for this tension to be happening around the innocent children. Hearing their father call their mother an idiot, or stupid, or incompetent, and watching him shove her? That would be terrifying and emotionally devastating, especially when children turn to their parents for protection. How could you trust your father again after seeing how he treats your mother?

Separation for awhile would not be terrible and might also be the kick in the pants he needs to make him realize that she’s not going to stick around and take it anymore - that she’s serious - and that he needs help.

prolifewife, you ask about the definition of abuse. Would you feel abused if your husband belittled you, shoved you, made you feel like an idiot and an incompetent wife, and blamed you for his unhappiness? I know I would. It would break me.

 

[prolifewife]

I’m not saying separation couldn’t or wouldn’t help. I’m only saying I can see why she is choosing to stay even though others say otherwise.

My husband and I have had our fair share of marital problems. I thought more than once about leaving him. He probably would have been classified as an “abuser” according to most posters here. But, with God’s help I didn’t leave. I stuck it out, even when it seemed pointless to do so. And little by little he changed. He changed and so did I. I started doing all those “little things” that Serap is talking about to make sure I was doing my part in all this. I got therapy and went on meds for my OCD. I started to nag and pick less and listen and help more. I learned to let things go, and not hold grudges, that was a biggie. And while this may not work for everyone, I can honestly say that I would gladly go through those rough times again for the marriage we are blessed with now. It’s not perfect, but it is definitely nice and comfy.

I can see both sides of the coin. And Serap has to do what she thinks/feels is best for her marriage and her children.