Age difference

[OLHope]

Well that was really detailed. I can’t see any reason to not continue as nice as it is going now. You like him, and you need to see if it is mutual, no problem. Looks like you have a good hold on a lot of this. God Speed! The forums are always here when you need them. So far you are on a good track, praying it will all come through for you, as you want it.

Good Luck and God Bless!
-Hope

 

[purplesunshine]

***Aw, teased? lol Does your family joke around a lot?

I think that is a good plan. You sound like such a great person…thoughtful…and very mature. I hope things work out for you…however they are meant to. God bless, and good luck to you and him. ***

Ohhhh yes. I’ve see this clip from this movie called “Dan in Real Life” where the family is at camp around a piano singing “Ruthie-ruthie- pigface- martin” about a girl who had an ugly nose during their childhood.

Thats like my family…they are wild, noisy and can be rather insensitive. Did I mention he’ll be meeting EVERYONE…not just my parents, brothers, and their gf’s but my aunts, uncles, cousins…as we’re going to a big family/friend event.

 

[OLHope]

First, I wasn’t looking for romantic companionship. We’ve been good friends since November, very close, and have prayed alot. The whole me falling for him has been recent.

I’m just as in need of self-confidence as the next person. But I have a ton of accomplishments, I’m brave and sassy and bold. I don’t miss out on things because of fear. ** Recently, I told another crush I liked him, was rejected, and got over it.**

Its not about settling at this point. If he was, say 30, I’d have no reservations at all. Part of the reservation is shallow and appearance based. Part of it is genuine worry about age and what extra difficulties that can cause.

I live near a big city, there are probably plenty of “eligible” guys who may be perfectly sweet or decent and closer to my age…guys who’d probably date me in an instant…but the fact is that I have this best friend whom I really, really, get along with well, and whom I didn’t ever, ever intend to have romantic feelings for but now do.

Happened to me, too. You’re not alone. Happens to all of us.

 

[whatevergirl]

Ohhhh yes. I’ve see this clip from this movie called “Dan in Real Life” where the family is at camp around a piano singing “Ruthie-ruthie- pigface- martin” about a girl who had an ugly nose during their childhood.

Thats like my family…they are wild, noisy and can be rather insensitive. Did I mention he’ll be meeting EVERYONE…not just my parents, brothers, and their gf’s but my aunts, uncles, cousins…as we’re going to a big family/friend event.

LOL–I did see that movie…oh my gosh. It would be good to warn him indeed. If he as great as you say, he will be able to roll with it. I am excited for this visit…for you. I think that this could be a turning point. Again, good luck.

 

[purplesunshine]

LOL–I did see that movie…oh my gosh. It would be good to warn him indeed. If he as great as you say, he will be able to roll with it. I am excited for this visit…for you. I think that this could be a turning point. Again, good luck.

Well, its not until summer. And so far, even with my brief warnings, even though he’s a quiet and gentle soul, he still wants to come. But I’m going to sit him down and have a good talk to make it clear that he dosn’t need to come and that they will act that way. I think that will help see where we are as friends.

 

[Lariena]

perhaps, I’ll talk to him about meeting my family a bit more…see if he’s ready for that…and if he is then I’ll talk then. I do want him to meet my family, and I do want to meet his. I’m terribly afraid he’ll be teased to death by mine, so I think I’ll talk to him about that.

I’d bet that he can take care of himself! When my DH first met my parents and extended family he was bombarded with comments, jokes, questions, etc. I was mortified! But he had no problem dealing with it in his own way. That includes having to deal with my mom who is a year younger than him and my dad who is only 6 months older than he is!

When we got engaged (after dating 4 years) , my mom was initially not very happy about it. She had concerns about me being a young widow, what we would do about children, etc. She met with him ALONE at a restaurant and they were there for 3 hours!!! She (and all my family) love him to death now and see how happy and committed we are to each other.

I understand the questions others have posed to you in their posts, but I have to say that the questions you should be discerning answers to are no different than if the man were your age. I am not naive and realize that SOME older men have ulterior motives for dating younger women, but you are the one who KNOWS him personally and can make that determination for yourself. Likewise, you KNOW your motivation and feelings where none of us do. Trust yourself and listen to your heart.

Regarding appearance issues… I am an extremely young looking 36. (I still get carded when I go certain places.) He looks young for his 54 years, but he is clearly older than I am. I originally had concerns about how others would perceive us (specifically them thinking I was with an older man for $$ - which he had NONE of or that I was some bimbo arm trophy who couldn’t think for herself who was looking for a father figure) Later I was concerned for our children wondering if they would be embarrased if their friends mistook him for their grandfather instead of their dad. After all the time we have been together, I can honestly tell you that I NEVER had any issues in this area. It just never came up for us.

Hope that helps some… It is tough getting so many opinions when you are already torn!

 

[AHapka]

For whatever reason he made it to 42 unmarried, then he can wait longer, do not accept any ultimatums on his part, your call!

If he really cares, he will wait through, don’t let him pressure you!

Nowhere in this entire thread did she ever even hint that he was pressuring or even persuing her. I think you are projecting this onto the situation from your own past experiences. Nowhere was there ever any talk of ultimatums or pressure.

She said that she was having feelings for him, and wanted advice on if it was moral if she should act on thim.

And to the OP, I think you should. Especially considering that you met merely as friends (who would pray together, no less) with no intention of persuing a relatioinship. Sometimes those are the ones that work out best because you have had more of a chance to see the other person for whom they are then if either one of you was persuing the other from the start.

Go for it. If none of us knew how old he was, but knew about your friendship, I’m sure the majority of us would advise you to date him.

 

[OLHope]

Nowhere in this entire thread did she ever even hint that he was pressuring or even persuing her. **I think you are projecting this onto the situation from your own past experiences. ** Nowhere was there ever any talk of ultimatums or pressure.

You are wrong! I do not have any of my own experiences to draw from, I have other people’s stories, and from their stories with much older men, this was definitely a common problem. I was being pressured by other people to date older men, but I am stubborn, I know how to say no. No direct pressure at all.

She said that she was having feelings for him, and wanted advice on if it was moral if she should act on thim.

And to the OP, I think you should. Especially considering that you met merely as friends (who would pray together, no less) with no intention of persuing a relatioinship. Sometimes those are the ones that work out best because you have had more of a chance to see the other person for whom they are then if either one of you was persuing the other from the start.

Go for it. ** If none of us knew how old he was, but knew about your friendship, I’m sure the majority of us would advise you to date him.**

The title is simply put, Age Difference, it is a difficult subject, and she is not the only one who has discussed this issue on here. This issue pops up every other week. She put this on here, obviously she has issues about it as well or she would not have posted. She wants to critically think this out, and she did already, it seems now, that more discussion around the whole issue seems to render her interest is more pronounced and we hope will be met the same interest and good wishes on his behalf.

 

[AHapka]

You are wrong! I do not have any of my own experiences to draw from, I have other people’s stories, and from their stories with much older men, this was definitely a common problem.

Sorry, I had meant from experiences you had talking to other people. That’s what I meant. I do see your point though…

 

[OLHope]

Sorry, I had meant from experiences you had talking to other people. That’s what I meant. I do see your point though…

No problem! This is a happy forum and we hope our young friend is on a great course for the future, that’s what it’s all about! Cheers!

God Bless!:extrahappy:

 

[Stella76]

This’ll have to be quick because my bed is calling…

…but, my husband and I started dating when I was 20 and he was 38.

Thirteen years later we are still together, now married, and he’s still the love of my life!

So, relationships with pretty big age differences can definitely work!

Good luck!
*Stella

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

First, I wasn’t looking for romantic companionship. We’ve been good friends since November, very close, and have prayed alot. The whole me falling for him has been recent.

I’m just as in need of self-confidence as the next person. But I have a ton of accomplishments, I’m brave and sassy and bold. I don’t miss out on things becuase of fear. Recently, I told another crush I liked him, was rejected, and got over it.

Its not about settling at this point. If he was, say 30, I’d have no reservations at all. Part of the reservation is shallow and appearance based. Part of it is genuine worry about age and what extra difficulties that can cause.

I live near a big city, there are probably plenty of “eligible” guys who may be perfectly sweet or decent and closer to my age…guys who’d probably date me in an instant…but the fact is that I have this best friend whom I really, really, get along with well, and whom I didn’t ever, ever intend to have romantic feelings for but now do.

Come on, there’s no need to get defensive here. If I may ask, what made you change your mind? As much as women are prone to changing their minds, there must be a reason. Also, since you mentioned that there’s not much physical attraction, how do you expect it to work at all? And that’s probably why you saw him only as a friend from the get-go. But again, my understanding of women is very limited - like all men - so take my post with a grain (or a sack) of salt.

 

[purplesunshine]

Come on, there’s no need to get defensive here. If I may ask, what made you change your mind? As much as women are prone to changing their minds, there must be a reason. Also, since you mentioned that there’s not much physical attraction, how do you expect it to work at all? And that’s probably why you saw him only as a friend from the get-go. But again, my understanding of women is very limited - like all men - so take my post with a grain (or a sack) of salt.

What made me change my mind? It wasn’t any one thing. Its the little things.

Well, it isn’t about physical attraction…I am attracted to his soul, I think. As far as physically I like tall, buff, red-heads with cooing singing voices. I can’t help it, that is the height of physical attraction to me. He’s definatly not any of that. But he’s not unattractive physically, either.

I do want to understand menfolk. They are just as confusing to me as women are confusing to men.

 

[kristina40]

Purplesunshine, sorry to sound discouraging, but for some reason some of this doesn’t “ring true” to me. I have to say my husband and I were mutually attracted to the other. We also shared a lot of interests and were from the same type of background. This is only my opinion but it sounds like you are “settling” for attempting a deeper relationship with this man, because you feel “comfortable” with him, not because he strikes a chord deep in your heart! Yes, it does sound like you are very good friends and that you enjoy being together, but for some reason it doesn’t sound like he is interested in you that way.

Yes, I made the first move, and asked him out, we visited with each other, but didn’t have the kind of relationship you are describing with your friend. We just both were aware of an attraction to each other. He had brought me donuts, etc. every morning for weeks (we worked in the same building) so I decided what the heck - can’t kill me for asking…and the rest is history.

Do any of his actions, conversations, etc encourage you to think he may be thinking of altering the type of relationship you have? As others have said, you are the only one who really knows what kind of interactions you and this man have. From your entries this is not the first “crush” you’ve had so you should be able to interpret his actions. You have invited him to meet your family, does he invite you further into his life, or just the activities you and he have planned together?

Also, like OL Hope pointed out, he made it to 42 without ever marrying, there may be a reason for that. Maybe he is content as a single person, and is really only looking for friendship. Just be cautious and really understand that not only may he not want “that kind” of relationship, it may also damage the relationship you now have - only you know if the risk is worth it.

Also, like you I have a big, happy, joking family. As a matter of fact all the in-laws (spouses of my siblings) have decided to form their own club - since we siblings seem to have our own club! We were raised in the country miles from a very small community, so we had only each other for playmates, best friends, confidantes, etc. when we were growing up. We harass each other constantly, and even as we “mature” (I use that term loosely) anytime two or more of us are together you would assume you were listening to a group of 12 year-olds not a few 40 somethings! We really dish it - and of course can take it too! We often times forget that the spouses may not (and in our case were not) raised in the same fun-loving environment, so they don’t understand why we can’t act “more grown up” around each other! We are normal, respectable, mature adults separately but get us all together…and LOOK OUT! So, yes, I think you can never prepare your “friend” enough to meet your family, if your family is only half the bunch ours is!

Again, like other posters have said only you truly know the dynamics of your relationship. You have to be the judge of whether to attempt taking it to the next level, and if he doesn’t reciprocate your efforts, are you prepared for that? I’m sure you’ve watched some of those “chick flicks” where the best friends (one male; one female) have both just ended relationships, so one decides “what the heck, let’s give this a go”…they kiss - both draw back and “eeew that was like kissing my brother/sister”…so they go back to just being friends…while others “date” for weeks or months learn things about each other that they really detest and never speak again…

Really, this isn’t about the age difference - it’s about the mutual feelings between two people that we all struggle with. Someone mentioned the “early widowhood” you could be facing…if he were your age and you knew he had ALS, MS, a slow growing cancer or any other debilitating illness would that deter you if you truly felt this was the love of your life? As my older husband points out to me…either of us could be killed in a car accident tomorrow, should we hold our breath for it? Live each day as if it is your last day to bring Glory to God!!! Live, Laugh, and LOVE!

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

What made me change my mind? It wasn’t any one thing. Its the little things.

The little things, eh? Well, little things are good, but hasn’t he been doing them before? How come you didn’t notice them until now? The feeling that I get is that he’s not your Mr. Right, just your Mr. Right Now.

As far as physically I like tall, buff, red-heads with cooing singing voices. I can’t help it, that is the height of physical attraction to me.

No comment.

I do want to understand menfolk. They are just as confusing to me as women are confusing to men.

No, we’re not confusing at all. We just enjoy confusing the heck out of the womenfolk. Seriously though, men appreciate straightforwardness; I know I do.

 

[Galnextdoor]

If you are making plans to spend time together all the way into the fall months, I think this guy is definitely into you. He might be concerned about what you think about the age difference. I would say that if the only thing that is keeping you from falling for this guy is that you are worried about what people will say, forget about the age difference. If the age difference embarrasses you, than don’t even think about taking the relationship farther than friendship.

People are going to say what they are going to say. My brother-in-law had a baby face. He didn’t start shaving until he was in his late twenties. My sister, who is 4 years younger, often got the old cradle robbing speech. One time my brother-in-law answered the door to a salesman and the salesman asked to speak to his mother. One time when they were traveling, the clerk assured my sister that there was another room available for her son if they didn’t want to share a room. My sister didn’t look old for her age or anything.

People will just say what they will say. Don’t let that be a hinderance if you feel that this might be the person God wants you to marry.

 

[Guitar]

Also, like OL Hope pointed out, he made it to 42 without ever marrying, there may be a reason for that. Maybe he is content as a single person, and is really only looking for friendship. Just be cautious and really understand that not only may he not want “that kind” of relationship, it may also damage the relationship you now have - only you know if the risk is worth it.

This question is often asked but usually in a tone of voice that implies there must be something suss about it. (You didn’t do that, Kristina - your points are valid - but just saying it happens a lot.)

He may only be looking for friendship, in which case romantic feelings he can’t return would make it awkward. That or there being something wrong with him that turns potential marriage partners away are not the only possible explanations, though.

My H who was 38 when we married (I was 20) had never married because a Catholic girl interested in him and with enough in common for the relationship to last more than a few months had simply never come along - nothing more to it than that. He got on with life in the meantime. We have survived 23 years so far.

The question also arises when older people of similar age consider marriage. My elder brother and his wife married in their late forties and there was a bit of borderline-nasty stuff in my family about “what’s wrong with her that she never found a husband before now”. This was partly fuelled by her being from a very different and generally materially-poor culture, but then the fact that she’s not from our culture is a large part of why their marriage works. She too had simply never met anyone she wanted to marry (and in fact resisted attempts by older relatives to marry her off to various cronies) and had busied herself running small businesses, helping care for her mother and the extended family and generally being a useful member of society.

People sometimes expect an older suitor to exert pressure to marry because they are older but in my experience of H, B and SIL, the older suitor is an older suitor because they are not interested in just “settling” even if that means they never marry.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Sometimes, feelings change. Especially as you get to know a person. The little things that didn’t matter when you first met start reminding you of that person, of who they are, and it’s somewhat endearing. And as someone who is typically attracted to older people, it definitely has to do with the mindset, with the crowd you hang out with, etc. I’ll admit, I can’t help that most of the twenty-year-olds my age drive me crazy. Spoiled kids who party off their parents money (not all are like that and I do have close friends my age, but most are older). My older friends treat me like an adult (which I legally am), they’ll talk to me seriously, be real with me, and they’ll give me advice (like internship advice, classes, since they graduated with degrees in the same major I hold, romance advice, etc).

As for the older men in my life (not dating, but I see possibilities), they are all Catholic, very kind, courtly, funny, sweet, and honest. The guys my age seem to care only about sex or they’re extremely uptight and women freak them out. The older ones actually commend my decision to wait and tell me that my innocence is “refreshing” and “an endearing quality.” They’re comfortable enough to be real and they are so caring. So intelligent as well!

As long as they lead you to God, they’re good to you, and vice versa, go with it. That’s all I can say.

 

[OLHope]

OP, you simply do have so much thought out, I love the fact that you said I am not about the physical attraction, and I am not surprised it was a man, who, once again, keeps bringing up that importance. I truly believe men(or women for this matter) are not ready for marriage when they keep pressing this. The church teaches us that marriage is an vocation for very hard work. You love all the things about that person, it truly is how you click. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A pretty/ugly face/body, is completely insignificant to the mere fact, that you are, as a couple, giving yourselves to God. To procreate, keep the family unit in tact, and use your bodies in service to the church to each other, and as well as your family. Hard Work, remember that, it is a tough road, it’s exciting, anticipating what might be, and having a family, but it is still difficult for some men to get around their visual sensory.

I am amazed when divorce happens due to weight gain, accidents, or genetic disfigurement. Where is the in sickness and in health promise? Accidents happen, no? Obesity is clarified as a psychological physical/genetic/medical condition. Aren’t men happy their wife wanted to have and take care of kids, and with every child can come 40 permanent pounds, so a divorce was her thanks? Another girl was thin, but plain and lanky, low self-esteem, he stayed in marriage to his wife so he could eventually empty every bank accounts and leave the marriage taking half of her belongings, he brought nothing into the marriage. Where was for richer or poorer?

People need to accept these as possibilities that can happen to them. Would you know if you could handle her/his mood changes? Could you stop partying on the weekends? Could you stop guzzling beer? Could you accept that sex may be minimal, restrictive, or non-exist after a while? If you cannot envision this now or later in marriage, then I’m sorry, but marriage may not be for you!

I had dated what most women would deem to be a physically attractive man, but after a few conversations, I was very disappointed, it was like I guess you really are just a pretty face, he had no substance, wasn’t about anything, awkward pauses, couldn’t answer questions, and would sidestep some questions, then nervously look around and throw me a cute smile, as if to say, “isn’t my gorgeous face enough?” Well no, it’s not, dude, what are you about? It really burned me that most people knew I was spiritual and would use that as an in, and then not know anything about their own faith and spirituality! Oh makes me mad just thinking about it. OP, Glad your redhead piques your interest, mine couldn’t, and he was older than me, lapse Catholic.

It is obvious that the OP was inspired by him, a future really requires both sides to be genuinely good, provide even and adequate help where the other cannot, and use your bodies as service vessels to God, both in physical union and faith. She thought with her mind, she felt with her soul, and her heart is sure to follow. I hope that happens for all of us, whatever vocation we choose.

 

[Appleby]

No.

Men typically go into their comb-over, open-shirt, gold-jewelry, dating-young-women phase about age 42 as this is where the severe anxiety hits. (Watch all those commercials for Viagra and note that the women are always much younger than the men. Ask yourself why.)

This is the voice of experience speaking, although I am older than both of you now; keep it friendly but don’t go overboard.