Aging Parents Questions

[Alphonsus_John]

Hi everyone. I’m looking for some advice on having “the talk” with my aging parents. My mother and father are both in their mid-70s. My father has a lot of health issues; obesity, diabetes, heart trouble, circulation issues. He cannot drive and has difficulty walking, especially stairs. My mother is quite healthy for her age but does a lot of work taking care of my dad. My mom has always been “in charge” and my dad will just go along with whatever my mom wants.

They have two homes, one in New Jersey and the other in New York and my mom attempts to take care of both homes herself with very little outside help. Although relatively wealthy, she is extremely frugal and resists hiring regular help like a maid service or lawn care. Both homes are not handicapped friendly and I do not believe can be easily converted, but my mom is very attached to both their homes and all their stuff (They are packrats).

They have two children, myself and my brother. My wife and I live in Connecticut and my brother and his family live in Texas. My wife and I have fertility issues and we’ve been unsuccessfully trying for kids (the Catholic way) for a couple of years, each of us undergoing surgery in the process.

My brother and I have discussed having the elder care, end-of-life talk with mom, but, though I love her dearly, she is a dragon lady with a lot defense mechanisms and a healthy does of pride couple with the usual fears of aging; loss of agency, feeling of uselessness, etc.

I want to do this lovingly because my parents are good people and sacrificed a lot for my brother and I, but I feel hampered by my dad’s abrogation of responsibility to mom and my mom feeling like she has to do everything. I don’t want to force them into anything they don’t want, but I don’t see her being able to take care of my dad, two homes, and a dog by herself for much longer.

Any thoughts or advice?

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Sounds like my MIL, ha-ha.

I tell my husband, respect & honor parents before strong arming them; although we both desperately want control. It’s human nature for children to want to treat their aging parents like their aging parents reared them. However, this does not uphold their dignaty. Instead of striving for control, give it to Jesus; Trust in Jesus.

Parents teach us so many things. God willing, they also teach us how to die. If we are busy trying to get a false control we miss the lesson they are teaching. Yes, “The talk” is important, to have often. Remember when talking about it to elevate their dignaty.

 

[MJJean]

My in-laws are in their 80’s and live in Fl while my husband and I live in MI. My husbands siblings are in IL, VA, and two in CA. We, too, worry. As far as I know, there is no set plan other than the parents wanting to live on their own as long as they can. They will make decisions as needed. I would prefer it if they sold and moved back to MI where they have the greatest concentration of family so that we can help with things like driving (my FIL’s driving is terrifying and my MIL’s driving worries me) to and from appointments and running errands and yard work, etc.

They are quite content where they are and have no wish to come home. Sometimes it’s hard to suppress the protective urges and not to interfere. I do, however, occasionally mention on the phone and in emails and especially during their yearly visits that they are welcome in MI and that we miss them and hope they’ll consider coming back and so on.

I’d suggest having a family meeting. Let your parents know you and your brother are concerned about them because you love them. Let them know that you and your brother will respect their wishes, but that you need to know what those wishes are! Ask them what they want done in various scenarios. Ask them to draw up a Living Will if they have not already done so. Also ask them to draw up papers to appoint someone to handle legal and financial matters in case of incapacitation so that you and/or your brother have the ability to carry out their wishes. And trust in both God and in your mother. When she has had too much and realizes she cannot do this any longer she will make changes.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hi everyone. I’m looking for some advice on having “the talk” with my aging parents. My mother and father are both in their mid-70s. My father has a lot of health issues; obesity, diabetes, heart trouble, circulation issues. He cannot drive and has difficulty walking, especially stairs. My mother is quite healthy for her age but does a lot of work taking care of my dad. My mom has always been “in charge” and my dad will just go along with whatever my mom wants.

They have two homes, one in New Jersey and the other in New York and my mom attempts to take care of both homes herself with very little outside help. Although relatively wealthy, she is extremely frugal and resists hiring regular help like a maid service or lawn care. Both homes are not handicapped friendly and I do not believe can be easily converted, but my mom is very attached to both their homes and all their stuff (They are packrats).

They have two children, myself and my brother. My wife and I live in Connecticut and my brother and his family live in Texas. My wife and I have fertility issues and we’ve been unsuccessfully trying for kids (the Catholic way) for a couple of years, each of us undergoing surgery in the process.

My brother and I have discussed having the elder care, end-of-life talk with mom, but, though I love her dearly, she is a dragon lady with a lot defense mechanisms and a healthy does of pride couple with the usual fears of aging; loss of agency, feeling of uselessness, etc.

I want to do this lovingly because my parents are good people and sacrificed a lot for my brother and I, but I feel hampered by my dad’s abrogation of responsibility to mom and my mom feeling like she has to do everything. I don’t want to force them into anything they don’t want, but I don’t see her being able to take care of my dad, two homes, and a dog by herself for much longer.

Any thoughts or advice?

Not sure what you mean by “the talk.” Do you mean about their wills, inheritances, estate plans, etc. or do you mean have they arranged for care if one becomes disabled? Do you mean their funeral plans? All of these can be rather thorny issues to bring up with a parent.

Do YOU have a will? If so, I might bring the topic up in the context of, “Boy, I looked over our will yesterday and I am SO GLAD we took care of that in case something happens suddenly! By the way, are you and dad caught up on that issue? I can recommend my attorney if you need to talk to someone.” That sort of thing. If you get an immediate shut-down from your mom, you’re out of luck. But keep mentioning it. If you have a more direct relationship with your mom or dad, even if it’s contentious, you could say something like, “Hey Mom, I know you don’t want to discuss this, but you need to let brother and me know what you want in case you die suddenly. If we’re going to have to handle all of this stuff, we need to know NOW what you want us to do.”

How you approach the topics will depend on your temperament and your relationship with your mom. Your dad is passive which is not uncommon in a couple like your parents. Hang in there, and if you get completely shut down, then pray for them and hope like heck that they do have at least wills. And get ready for an unpleasant time when they are both gone and you have to clean out those houses. “Pack-rats” = hoarders. 2 houses, both filled with stuff??

 

[KrazyKat]

Mother knows best, you represent her as a woman of sound mind. She will know when she can no longer do it alone. If you bring it up you make her defensive. If she brings it up then you offer advice.

 

[Fairwinds]

Mother knows best, you represent her as a woman of sound mind. She will know when she can no longer do it alone. If you bring it up you make her defensive. If she brings it up then you offer advice.

every family is different. my dad was in his 80s before a near fatal health crisis forced the issue.

 

[Bonnie]

Everyone is different and has different capabilities. In our case, my husband and I are the “aging parents” and it’s our kids (early 20’s) who need to hear our plans. We have our wills (which should be updated but are OK), instructions for funerals and burials, as well as instructions about what to do with my animals when I am incapacitated or dead. (Notice “when” not 'if." )

I thought it was odd that neither of my parents made plans for their funerals. They did have wills and life (death) insurance. My husband’s parents did the same. Maybe I’m more of a control freak than I thought.

I don’t think either of our children are very comfortable when we bring up the subject of our upcoming - and inevitable - deaths.

 

[Alphonsus_John]

Thanks for the responses so far. Just a clarification, my parents assure me they have a will and what not. I’m the executor. I have no idea where any of it is and I get brushed aside when I ask its location. Also for clarification “the talk” refers to their aging plans; e.g. having two homes with stairs, not near their children, etc.

As for hoarding, they’re not terrible. It’s not anywhere near that show “hoarders”, but they have difficulty throwing things away so they keep broken appliances, old clothes, etc. so that basements and attics are stuffed.

I appreciate the advice on their dignity and my brother and my brother and I don’t want to be “those adult children” shoving their parents into a nursing home against their wishes. But I fear that a combination of denial and no planning is going to hurt them in the long run the way it has hurt the parents of friends and co-workers.

My brother is coming up for fourth of July and this is my tentative plan:

1. Let my mom know ahead of time that we’ll want to talk about it so she’s not shocked. (Dad will do whatever mom wants so she’ll end up being the decision maker).
2. Ask her what her plans are.
3. Depending on the answer to question 2., offer to help arrange things if they want it.
4. If she gets mad or truly gives the impression that she has no plan, tell her that we’re not trying to force her to do anything, but that we love and care about her and that we don’t want to see something really bad happen because no planning was done.

My brother is onboard with this so we’re on the same page.

If anyone thinks there’s something wrong with this plan, let me know. I’m not sure how firm I should be. I’ve brought this up several times over the past year or two, but I get brushed off with either, “We’ve thought about it” or “Who’s going to do xxx”.

 

[Fairwinds]

Thanks for the responses so far. Just a clarification, my parents assure me they have a will and what not. I’m the executor. I have no idea where any of it is and I get brushed aside when I ask its location. …

you’d better find it, it (will, trust documents, life insurance, etc.) might be in a lawyer’s office or it might be somewhere you’ll spend days looking for when you need it. it might not be up to date, in fact, you might not be the executor or trustee.

 

[Bonnie]

Sounds good. But perhaps you and your brother should emphasize that you are wanting to know these things for YOUR peace of mind, not becuase you think they are failing in either mind or health.

It’s kind of like when our son stays at a friend’s house all night. We’d like him to call and let us know - not because we are trying to control him (he is an adult) but because I tend to worry. Especially when he’s driving MY car!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for the responses so far. Just a clarification, my parents assure me they have a will and what not. I’m the executor. I have no idea where any of it is and I get brushed aside when I ask its location. Also for clarification “the talk” refers to their aging plans; e.g. having two homes with stairs, not near their children, etc.

As for hoarding, they’re not terrible. It’s not anywhere near that show “hoarders”, but they have difficulty throwing things away so they keep broken appliances, old clothes, etc. so that basements and attics are stuffed.

I appreciate the advice on their dignity and my brother and my brother and I don’t want to be “those adult children” shoving their parents into a nursing home against their wishes. But I fear that a combination of denial and no planning is going to hurt them in the long run the way it has hurt the parents of friends and co-workers.

My brother is coming up for fourth of July and this is my tentative plan:

1. Let my mom know ahead of time that we’ll want to talk about it so she’s not shocked. (Dad will do whatever mom wants so she’ll end up being the decision maker).
2. Ask her what her plans are.
3. Depending on the answer to question 2., offer to help arrange things if they want it.

If anyone thinks there’s something wrong with this plan, let me know. I’m not sure how firm I should be. I’ve brought this up several times over the past year or two, but I get brushed off with either, “We’ve thought about it” or “Who’s going to do xxx”.

You just need to know the name and phone number of their attorney/estate planner. He/she will have the will on file. However, yes, it would be good to know ahead of time where you might find a copy. You wouldn’t be the first adult child to be scrambling to find the will once the parents are gone (accidents happen).

Try not to set this up like an intervention - where you lock the door and force your mom to deal with the situation - but more like a nice family event where you discuss these necessary subjects with a lot of love and care. If she drinks (I don’t mean alcoholism!), get her a couple of glasses of wine and be ready to do a lot of hand-holding and support. But you do need answers, and clear ones at that.

Keeping broken appliances? Old clothing? Yeah, that’s a big red flag that they are not going to be easy to deal with on this issue. Making decisions, moving on, and letting go are not their strong suits. Could either of them be depressed? Could you urge them to see a doctor if they seem to be? Hoarding is a type of mental illness, but I also believe that depression is a large component. I know that when I am depressed, making even one small decision becomes almost impossible, and getting rid of things involves multiple decisions. It’s unfathomable when there’s untreated depression.

 

[Alphonsus_John]

Could you urge them to see a doctor if they seem to be [depressed]?

Much of their life is spent in the hands of the medical industry due to my dad’s health issues. That and they’re very old school when it comes to mental health issues. Although it very well may be true, I don’t think that suggesting that they’re depressed will be received well at all.

My plan was not for some sort of intervention; it will just be brother, mom, and I. But she’s a prickly and defensive woman so I expect a fight no matter how soft a touch we use.

The our piece of mind part is very good. I will remember that.

 

[Annie39]

My husband had surgery last December. He was hospitalized for a few days. During that time my daughter-in-law (whom I hardly know) took over and would begin talking to the nurse while I just stood there with my mouth open. I didn’t want to say “uh, I’m his wife” because it would have caused a problem with my son (she’s only trying to help, don’t ya know). I told this story to my sister and her daughter not long after. My niece said, well after people get to a certain age they kind of disappear!

I will be 70 in August. I’m perfectly sound of mind. I’m able of taking care of myself. My husband can run rings around most men in their thirties. We call him the energizer bunny. He also has all of his mental faculties. I don‘t know your folks but I know that if my kids came to us to have “that talk” I would be insulted. What we do with ourselves is not their business. Perhaps we have planned properly or perhaps not. If not, into each life a little rain must fall hope they are ready for it. As it is we are getting rid of a lot of things, clearing out closets. Giving away things (lots of books) and throwing out other things. We have never been what you might call pack rats but we do have some superfluous stuff around. We are making the decision ourselves that we would like to move closer to the grandkids. Once again it’s our choice. As I see it, as long as one parent has his or her mental faculties I suggest that you treat them like adults. If one of mine started treating me like a child (very disrespectful) I’d let him know in no uncertain terms that he is out of line.

After writing the above comment I went back to read your post again and would like to comment further on one paragraph “My brother and I have discussed having the elder care, end-of-life talk with mom, but, though I love her dearly, she is a dragon lady with a lot defense mechanisms and a healthy does of pride couple with the usual fears of aging; loss of agency, feeling of uselessness, etc.”

I must say that that paragraph comes off as unmitigated condescending pride. Why ever would a loving son put his mentally and physically capable mom in a situation that would cause her to be behave defensively. Seems that your mom is nicer than my sons" mom because this one thinks that a good defense is a great offence. End-of-life discussion INDEED. Have you measured the curtains?

Annie

 

[EasterJoy]

Ask your mom what plans she has if she dies or is incapacitated before your dad dies. Get specific: What if she has a stroke, is put into a wheelchair, and can’t tell you what she wants? Ask her to tell you what she wants done and who she wants to do it, and encourage her very strongly to get it into writing. Explain to her how her wishes might not be followed if she does not do this. Then talk to your dad about how your talk with your mom went, and try to find out if he’s on board with it all.

It isn’t for you to decide what your parents should want–put yourself in their place, and ask if you want your children making your decisions when you turn 70–but you should be clear about what you will and won’t be able to do in the case worse comes to worst. You should also be told who to contact and who she has selected to run their financial affairs if they cannot do it themselves. (You will be far more believable, by the way, if you’ve done this for yourself. Have you?)

Before you do that, you might want to download:
eldercareresourcecenter.info/download-guide-plan-for-aging-parents.php
You can even bring her a copy, with the idea that you want to know what she wants, so you won’t be left guessing if she suddenly can’t tell you.

 

[EasterJoy]

My husband had surgery last December. He was hospitalized for a few days. During that time my daughter-in-law (whom I hardly know) took over and would begin talking to the nurse while I just stood there with my mouth open. I didn’t want to say “uh, I’m his wife” because it would have caused a problem with my son (she’s only trying to help, don’t ya know). I told this story to my sister and her daughter not long after. My niece said, well after people get to a certain age they kind of disappear!

I will be 70 in August. I’m perfectly sound of mind. I’m able of taking care of myself. My husband can run rings around most men in their thirties. We call him the energizer bunny. He also has all of his mental faculties. I don‘t know your folks but I know that if my kids came to us to have “that talk” I would be insulted. What we do with ourselves is not their business. Perhaps we have planned properly or perhaps not. If not, into each life a little rain must fall hope they are ready for it. As it is we are getting rid of a lot of things, clearing out closets. Giving away things (lots of books) and throwing out other things. We have never been what you might call pack rats but we do have some superfluous stuff around. We are making the decision ourselves that we would like to move closer to the grandkids. Once again it’s our choice. As I see it, as long as one parent has his or her mental faculties I suggest that you treat them like adults. If one of mine started treating me like a child (very disrespectful) I’d let him know in no uncertain terms that he is out of line.

After writing the above comment I went back to read your post again and would like to comment further on one paragraph “My brother and I have discussed having the elder care, end-of-life talk with mom, but, though I love her dearly, she is a dragon lady with a lot defense mechanisms and a healthy does of pride couple with the usual fears of aging; loss of agency, feeling of uselessness, etc.”

I must say that that paragraph comes off as unmitigated condescending pride. Why ever would a loving son put his mentally and physically capable mom in a situation that would cause her to be behave defensively. Seems that your mom is nicer than my sons" mom because this one thinks that a good defense is a great offence. End-of-life discussion INDEED. Have you measured the curtains?

Annie

No, it is not insulting for anyone to ask any adult close to them what they want done if they are incapacitated and who they have specified to take care of it. How on earth else does anyone expect their wishes to be followed when they can’t talk, if they’ve been too secretive to tell anyone? The people close to you ought to know who to call, who has agreed to take on what task and (especially in your case) what is not wanted and who is not wanted running things.

Of course you don’t want to choose someone who is going to “hear” what you have to say and just do what he or she “thinks best”, anyway. Who would? Choose someone you trust to follow and defend your wishes against all comers. If that isn’t your children, well, so be it. If your children don’t like it, you would be quite justified in telling them that you’ve seen quite enough about the regard they have for your feelings and your wishes. If they don’t automatically want to do what you want over what they want, move on to someone who does.

BTW, it may be that you are the one who needs to initiate “the talk” in your case. At age 70 and being of sound mind, you’re old enough to know how to stand up for yourself with pushy people. Ask yourself this: *Which do I want to do, stand up for myself or just let them run things? *Then choose, and take responsibility for having chosen that. They cannot make you invisible unless you choose to let them do it!

You can decide that you’re not going to let someone step in and control you with the unspoken threat of “getting their feelings hurt” if you don’t give in to what they want. Let your son and DIL know that you were hurt by how they did not consult you about how you wanted to direct your DH’s health decisions, that you won’t tolerate a repeat of what happened last time, and that “trying to help” is not particularly helpful when someone is actually just stepping in and taking over without bothering to ask if that was wanted or needed. Then let them know who you have specified to run the show if you cannot do it. More to the point, get it in writing with your personal physician, and with your husband’s and get someone trusted who will come in and make sure your paperwork is consulted and followed when you are not there to push the point.

 

[Bonnie]

Ask your mom what plans she has if she dies or is incapacitated before your dad dies. Get specific: What if she has a stroke, is put into a wheelchair, and can’t tell you what she wants? Ask her to tell you what she wants done and who she wants to do it, and encourage her very strongly to get it into writing. Explain to her how her wishes might not be followed if she does not do this. Then talk to your dad about how your talk with your mom went, and try to find out if he’s on board with it all…Before you do that, you might want to download:
eldercareresourcecenter.info/download-guide-plan-for-aging-parents.php
You can even bring her a copy, with the idea that you want to know what she wants, so you won’t be left guessing if she suddenly can’t tell you.

Excellent advice. My wake-up call was when we realized Mom was going to die before Daddy. Turned out to be 6 years before Daddy joined her. We had always assumed that Daddy would die first because of his poor health. Since Mom was the “boss” and social secretary of the family, it left Daddy without any social life. He even stopped going to church (Protestant).

That was when we made our wills and asked my sister if she would care for the kids if we died while they were still minors. She even offered to send them to a near-by Catholic school!

 

[mlz]

I can sympathize with your situation . It is a difficult time. Prayer is at the heart of it. Plus a strong sense of respect of them. Many years we ( myself and siblings) tried suggesting things that were met with strong resistance . I continued to pray about it and one more time I brought up one subject and " just like that" it seemed they were open but they wanted some control and we worked together then, God’s timing.

mlz

 

[Annie39]

Much of their life is spent in the hands of the medical industry due to my dad’s health issues. That and they’re very old school when it comes to mental health issues. Although it very well may be true, I don’t think that suggesting that they’re depressed will be received well at all.

My plan was not for some sort of intervention; it will just be brother, mom, and I. But she’s a prickly and defensive woman so I expect a fight no matter how soft a touch we use.

The our piece of mind part is very good. I will remember that.

That’s wise John because if my boys locked the doors to keep me in I believe they would regret that for the rest of their lives. I wonder if your discription of your mom as prickly and defensive is correct. Could it be more like she thinks that you are over steping your bounds? I don’t think that you said that there is anything mentally wrong with your dad so I wonder why he isn’t invited to this “end-of-life” talk. It might be nice if they would coose to fill you in on their plans. But is there something about you and her other son that she dosen’t feel comfortable sharing their private plans with you. You say that they are somewhat wealthy. They have two homes. You know, unless they inhereted that money, they know well how to plan for the future. There is nothing in your explanation that says that mom or dad are not mentally capable. Trust your mom. If she can afford help (which apparently she can) she will hire someone. Many people I know have done so. Other people don’t want strangers in their homes. You and your bro could go over at times to mow and clean. That’s what wonderful sons are made of not hammers and nails and puppy dog tales.

Annie

 

[EasterJoy]

Excellent advice. My wake-up call was when we realized Mom was going to die before Daddy. Turned out to be 6 years before Daddy joined her. We had always assumed that Daddy would die first because of his poor health. Since Mom was the “boss” and social secretary of the family, it left Daddy without any social life. He even stopped going to church (Protestant).

That was when we made our wills and asked my sister if she would care for the kids if we died while they were still minors. She even offered to send them to a near-by Catholic school!

I have a friend whose mother died suddenly of a heart attack. They did not even know how much of a “caretaker” she had been to their father. It was a big shock. Both of my aunts, seemingly slender and one without known prior problems, died suddenly in their early 70s, one of a heart attack (with a known history) and one of a stroke. Their husbands were widowers just that fast. Their two sisters lived to over 80.

Even if a stroke does not kill someone, it can instantly impair their ability to communicate clearly. A couple who really does want to run their own lives to the very end need to take that into account, and plan accordingly in writing and with an independent person specified to advocate for their written wishes. Those who don’t sometimes watch from the sidelines, while all those decisions are made for them.

I’d also point out that grief is incapacitating. A couple does not have to “pre-plan” their funerals in the sense of pre-paying, but if they don’t want the family to make all the arrangements, they need to make their decisions in advance and have an advocate appointed to help them have their wishes made known and followed throughout that awful time. Again: when a couple in their 50s has made similar arrangements for themselves and let their parents know what they are, they’re in a much better situation to preach pre-planning to their parents.

 

[MJJean]

My husband had surgery last December. He was hospitalized for a few days. During that time my daughter-in-law (whom I hardly know) took over and would begin talking to the nurse while I just stood there with my mouth open. I didn’t want to say “uh, I’m his wife” because it would have caused a problem with my son (she’s only trying to help, don’t ya know). I told this story to my sister and her daughter not long after. My niece said, well after people get to a certain age they kind of disappear!

I will be 70 in August. I’m perfectly sound of mind. I’m able of taking care of myself. My husband can run rings around most men in their thirties. We call him the energizer bunny. He also has all of his mental faculties. I don‘t know your folks but I know that if my kids came to us to have “that talk” I would be insulted. What we do with ourselves is not their business. Perhaps we have planned properly or perhaps not. If not, into each life a little rain must fall hope they are ready for it. As it is we are getting rid of a lot of things, clearing out closets. Giving away things (lots of books) and throwing out other things. We have never been what you might call pack rats but we do have some superfluous stuff around. We are making the decision ourselves that we would like to move closer to the grandkids. Once again it’s our choice. As I see it, as long as one parent has his or her mental faculties I suggest that you treat them like adults. If one of mine started treating me like a child (very disrespectful) I’d let him know in no uncertain terms that he is out of line.

After writing the above comment I went back to read your post again and would like to comment further on one paragraph “My brother and I have discussed having the elder care, end-of-life talk with mom, but, though I love her dearly, she is a dragon lady with a lot defense mechanisms and a healthy does of pride couple with the usual fears of aging; loss of agency, feeling of uselessness, etc.”

I must say that that paragraph comes off as unmitigated condescending pride. Why ever would a loving son put his mentally and physically capable mom in a situation that would cause her to be behave defensively. Seems that your mom is nicer than my sons" mom because this one thinks that a good defense is a great offence. End-of-life discussion INDEED. Have you measured the curtains?

Annie

Your DIL was a bit rude even if she was only trying to help and I think you should have said something. Maybe a simple “Thanks, dear, but I got this!”

As for the rest…really? At 70 years old you know that things happen and often unexpectedly. What if you had a stroke and were unable to speak? What if you were in a car accident and in a coma? What if you took a nasty fall and were unconscious? It’s not unreasonable to let your kin know if you want maximum medical intervention or to let nature take its course.

You and your husband have your mental faculties NOW. The very best time to have this talk and make your wishes known is when no one can doubt you are in your right mind. You cannot say that you will both be mentally sound in 6 months or next year or in 5 years. It’s not like having this discussion means family members are circling your estate like vultures ready to redecorate. It just means that everyone is aware of your wishes when it comes to healthcare decisions in case of incapacitation or sudden illness and what to do in case you and/or your husband suddenly pass away.

I love my MIL and FIL. They are wonderful, strong, intelligent people. But my husband, his siblings and I would sure feel better if there was some sort of plan in place that we were all aware of just in case so that we could be assured that we were following their wishes. Not to mention that my husband has 4 siblings and 2 sisters in law. Without a clear plan to follow I can imagine the arguments about financial, legal, and medical decisions.

My mother died unexpectedly at 44. She verbally instructed me to give certain things to certain people in case of her death a few weeks before it happened. I followed her wishes. I got flack from various family members during the wake when I was doing as instructed because no one else knew I was just following orders. That was very hard considering I was also grieving her loss. Had she let other family members know her wishes at the same time or at least let them know I had instructions she could have saved me some pain. Additionally, there were a lot of decisions to be made regarding her funeral arrangements. Since I had no instructions I had to wing it and make snap decisions during the first days of heavy gried based on what I thought she would want. I hope I got it right. I think I did. But it sure would have been comforting to know for sure and I would have known for sure had those details also been discussed.