Agony Over the Eucharist

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Irishgal49

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I am struggling with an addiction. When I do it, I was told I committed a mortal sin. I always tried to get with one of our two priests right away (before or after mass) to get Confession. This became an insane nightmare…confession 5-6 times a week, obsessing about how/who/when I can get Confession and then the agony of “sitting it out”. I engage in horrible mental bashing of myself to the point where I have to leave mass if I cannot receive. No matter what I tell myself or what I do I cannot reconcile these horrible feelings of self hatred and the grief of not being able to be with my Savior and take Communion.

After talking to my priest he mentioned “reduced culpability” might be something to consider with how severe the compulsion to engage in this addiction was…I used to do it 5-7 times a day…since returning to the church this past June, I’m down to 1-3 times a week, just enough to make it hell trying to get Confession in order to take Communion. I decided that I would continue to take Communion due to this being a compulsive addiction and receive Confession at the regularly scheduled times (we have it twice a week) rather than freaking out about hunting down a priest and getting all anxious and upset. Then I started feeling horrendous guilt, not sure if this was the right decision. The anguish was overwhelming. I can’t win with this. The priest just said, “I cannot tell you to receive or not receive” which was absolutely NO HELP whatsoever and he is my only Confessor so he knows my situation well. When he had mentioned reduced culpability I thought he would support this decision. He acted like he was upset when I told him even though he was acting frustrated when I’d ask for special confessions during the week. He said, “well if I were you I’d get to Confession as soon as possible”.

Ok now you know the story. The more I tried to “hunt down a priest” for confession, the worst the sin got–it increased in intensity. When I just took Communion regardless (unless I committed a mortal sin in another area) the addiction lessened but my guilt intensified until all I can focus on is “should I? shouldn’t I?” The Lord just faded into the background for me. I found out I cannot see a therapist because of the cost (my insurance stinks) and evidently I’m too rich for discounts or free therapy.

I’m at the point where I am going to avoid receiving Communion altogether. My priest is burned out with my obsessing and tons of emails and freaking out…I’m angry and frustrated because I can’t get a square answer on taking or not taking Communion. I am just going to sit it out for now. I cannot take the agony and tears…many times I’ve had to leave…the pain is just too much for me to bear. I can always go in the lobby during communion as we have a TV with the camera on the altar.

I am not sure where to turn at this point. I just want someone to talk to about culpability and help me weigh this out in a way that makes sense. I hate to say this and please don’t be angry but the idea of not receiving gives me a total sense of relief. I can at last focus on Jesus and not feel like I’m going to throw up from worry and obsess about whether or not I can get Confession either before or after Mass.

I have OCD and all attempts to take medication have failed due to massive side effects, allergic reactions, and/or just didn’t work at all. I’m still hoping that a new medication will come out as I am confident medical science will eventually catch up with me. Thanks for reading this diatribe. Any comments/advice will be greatly appreciated.
 
**Spiritual Communion Prayer
Code: 
My Jesus, I believe that You are present in the Most Holy Sacrament.
I love You above all things, and I desire to receive You into my soul.
Since I cannot at this moment receive You sacramentally,
come at least spiritually into my heart.
I embrace You as if You were already there and unite myself wholly to You.
Never permit me to be separated from You.
**
That you suffer from OCD and obsessive issues clearly makes things very difficult for you.
As you say, you have managed to improve. May God grant you peace of soul, mind, and body.

ll keep you in my prayers

ourcatholicprayers.com/spiritual-communion.html
 
Pray to do God’s will, not yours.

Anything can be overcome, with the help of God.
 
I am the least person to give advice on an addiction, so I’ll do what I can do and pray for you intensely.

I hope you’re alright,
Darran.
 
Regardless of the cost, I’d still go the therapy route. I’d look at it this way, if you had a cancer and were told you had a good chance of recovery, if you had a specific treatment, but it turned out to be expensive, you’d probably get the treatment and then figure out how to pay for it in order to save your life, wouldn’t you? Isn’t your own mental health worth cutting back on some other areas to be able to have several sessions with a qualified psychotherapist who can help you with some strategies to deal with this, in addition to any faith-based strategies that your priest might be able to help you discover?

There might even be a self-help or twelve step group that addresses your issue that would be of very little out of pocket cost for you.

If you can get your hands on the current catechism, be sure to read what it says about sin very thoroughly and carefully. In order for a sin to be mortal it has to have three conditions: sufficiently grave matter, full knowledge, and full consent. If you are dealing with a compulsive behavior, that makes it a venial sin because of your diminished capacity for consent. It might be a serious venial sin, but it’s still a venial sin. This is not an “excuse” for laxity–if you are truly dealing with compulsive behavior, you are not giving full consent. Of course, one ought to receive the Eucharist in as sin-free state as possible, but only you know whether you were giving full consent. That is why your priest said that he could not tell you whether you ought to receive. He can’t read your thoughts before any specific instance of this behavior.

You might want to consider adding a couple of things to your daily prayer life–the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, and devotions to St. Dymphna, the patroness of those who are challenged with emotional disorders. And read up on Blessed Matt Talbot, he was an Irish alcoholic who found sobriety through daily Mass and scripture reading, prayer, and penance. Ask his intercession for you (alcoholism is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder.)

I will remember you today when I recite the Divine Mercy Chaplet.
 
Dear one,

Allow me to begin by commending you on your progress in reducing your addictive dependence. You have reduced this sin from multiple time per day to a couple of times per week!!!
This is a great stride forward and worthy of both notice and celebration. Therefore -

Sing Praises to God in His Glory
His mercy is Great
His Strength is my strength,
His Love is Worthy of All of my love,
O Lord stay with me forever.

To me, this is one of the things that you seem to be missing in your equation, in your journey of purification from this fault. Instead of a balance where you look at and celebrate the achievement while also recognizing the need for continued vigilance and effort, you dwell mostly on the failures to the extent that you fear God’s wrath so much that you despair of His mercy. This is not a good thing as you already know.

To combat it, I can only suggest a new outlook.
You rightly describe your problem as an addiction. You are struggling to overcome this addiction. You hope, and even expect, good sound advice from your confessor. You also expect patience and understanding in your confessor as you struggle.
But consider this. You are expecting traits from your confessor, who is acting in the person of Christ, that you are not willing to expect and accept from Christ Himself. Consider this carefully.

How do you view God - As a Loving Father or as a stern and angry Judge?
Do you believe that He is not aware of your addiction and of your struggle and your efforts?
Do you think He only sees the acts like some ON-OFF switch? - Sin-Confess, Sin-Confess, Sin-Confess, Sin-Confess, — Hell-Heaven, Hell-Heaven, Hell-Heaven, Hell-Heaven,
This is simply not so…

We have a loving Father who knows our struggles. he knows that when we are mired in the mud and muck of sinful addiction it can take time to drag ourselves out. Even with the strength of the Holy Spirit within us we tire, we slip back, we feel the need for rest, we have to renew our commitment and continue trying. Our Loving Father knows this and he is right there struggling with us.

I am no health care professional, nor am I a spiritual director so take anything I offer for what it is worth, one Catholic layperson offering advice to another.
You have written to us because, where you are currently, you feel out of control and because you struggle with OCD, So the first thing that you need to do is to place order on this matter.
  1. You say that you have basically come to the decision to not receive communion (for the time being). Given the other things you have written, I believe this may be for the best, not as a permanent condition of course, but as a way to allow you to properly concentrate and move forward.
  2. Establish a normal routine for confession, going at normal times. If confession is offered twice a week and you feel the need to go this often, then fine - but do not hunt down a priest to confess in-between. Also, try to keep your confessions short - lets’ give your confessor a bit of a break so that he can perhaps offer you better advice. It sounds as though he is just worn out…Remember…you are not his only pastoral concern.
  3. Pray and reflect, in jubilation, on how far you have come. Praise God and Thank Him for bringing you so much closer to the light.
  4. Consider how you view God. Do you see Him as Loving and merciful? Or do you see Him as Stern and Judgmental, swift to anger?
    Jesus tells us to call on Him thus…“Our Father…” so consider how a Father would view their precious child who is struggling to overcome addiction. How proud that Father would be of their child who dose not give up even though they not overcome the addiction yet.
    Lift your eyes to His Loving light instead of keeping them down in fear of His anger.
One question - Do you have a devotional that you use to resist temptation?

Peace
James
 
Irishgal49 said:
I am not sure where to turn at this point. I just want someone to talk to about culpability and help me weigh this out in a way that makes sense. I hate to say this and please don’t be angry but the idea of not receiving gives me a total sense of relief. I can at last focus on Jesus and not feel like I’m going to throw up from worry and obsess about whether or not I can get Confession either before or after Mass.
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If you are able to focus on Christ when you do not have to worry about not receiving, then don’t receive. You are only obligated to receive once a year. Make a spiritual communion.

Continue in prayer and get help for your addiction.

The Lord will see you through this.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
You’ve received some excellent advice in the last two posts. I will also be praying for you.

We are not obligated to receive communion each time we are at Mass, but we are obligated to go to Mass each Sunday. Remember that when you are concerned about receiving communion.

However, also remember that receiving Christ in communion “strengthens us for our journey”. It sounds like you need a time of rest and reflection. Perhaps you can take this time now, leading up to Advent and the built in preparation of Advent, to focus on calming yourself and turning over your worries, concerns, and frustration to Christ. God will give you the grace to get through this (as you said, you’ve come so far already in His Grace!).

Continue to go to confession on a regular schedule (weekly may be enough) and, of course, to attend Mass. Pick a particular devotion that resonates with you (a chaplet, novena, consecration prayer, etc) and use it as part of your spiritual communion when you are at Mass.

Christ wants to bring you peace. Open your heart to that. Rest with God as a young child who is tired and frustrated rests in his earthly father’s arms.
 
I didn’t completely read all the posts, so if I’m repeating something someone else said, I apologize.

I’m just wondering if it’s possible that Satan is trying to keep you from receiving Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament. Satan knows the power of the Eucharist. Eucharist is the last thing Satan would want you to have. He wants to keep you tied to the sin, agonizing over the situation. He doesn’t want you to receive the power and strength of Jesus that comes from receiving Him. So, Satan will do anything to keep us away from Eucharist.

Just a thought.

Scout :tiphat:
 
Scout said:
I didn’t completely read all the posts, so if I’m repeating something someone else said, I apologize.

I’m just wondering if it’s possible that Satan is trying to keep you from receiving Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament. Satan knows the power of the Eucharist. Eucharist is the last thing Satan would want you to have. He wants to keep you tied to the sin, agonizing over the situation. He doesn’t want you to receive the power and strength of Jesus that comes from receiving Him. So, Satan will do anything to keep us away from Eucharist.

Just a thought.

Scout :tiphat:
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This is true, but I think in the OP’s case because of the severe agony and second-guessing, it is better to find peace by attending mass, going to confession when possible and making a spiritual communion, WHILE praying and getting help for the addiction.

Let’s just take Satan out of the picture and do not feed him by giving him more power. God is in control. 👍

As the OP gets better, she (forgive me if you’re a man) will be able to receive in peace.

Irisheyes, have you thought about getting a St Benedict medal, if you don’t already have one? I believe that might be helpful in your situation.
 
I think it is great that you desire to receive the Eucharist worthily and that you are working on your habitual sin through confession. However, I believe what the priest was trying to tell you is that sometimes "immaturity, force of acquired habit, … anxiety, or other psychological … factors can lessen or even extenuate moral culpability (see last paragraph in 2352 of the CCC).

In order to receive worthily, you must not have an unconfessed mortal sin; however, there are 3 conditions for a mortal sin, one of which is full consent of the will. The fact that you are trying so hard to stop, are going to confession so frequently, and that you have OCD tells me that that condition isn’t being met.

I would like to suggest 5 things: 1) try to find a good spiritual director to guide you. 2) research the OCD and Scrupulosity forum group on this website, 3) get therapy for your OCD, even though you’re not fully covered by your insurance, 4) don’t go to confession multiple times per week, but don’t stop all-together! Perhaps once every two weeks is best until you’ve conquered this. 5) start receiving the Eucharist again. Confession, the Eucharist, spiritual direction, and prayer are the keys to conquering this. And yes, it can be done.

Hope that helps. May God bless you!
 
I am praying with all my heart for you. =/
I don’t really know what else to say but I will pray for you.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.
 
fall fox

As you can see here, you have a lot of support and a lot of prayers coming your way. I think CAF is a wonderful web site, but I think you should be talking to a Priest. Talk to Father Vincent here at CAF or you can go on another site called
"Ask a Franciscan Priest ". I have gone to both and both were very helpful.
 
My advice is to EVERY day, spend some prayer time that includes something like the following prayer:

“Jesus, I trust in you. I know you love me and I love you. I know that you came to earth to forgive and redeem me. I know that you gave me the Sacraments as GIFTS, not as chains. I know I must appreciate them and receive them sincerely and gratefully. I am a sinner, but I put my hope in you. Please give me the Grace to be more than my weaknesses and help me to further develop my strengths.”

OCD naturally tends to focus on rules instead of principles. Rules are there to HELP us live by the principles, not to replace them. It is making you focus on the rules of the sacraments instead of the ESSENCE of them! You need something like the above to remind yourself of this when the rules seem to loom larger than the Grace.

If you are attending confession weekly, that is plenty enough. That is already a heroic level of recognition of your sinfulness and seeking of Grace to overcome it. That right there is a manifestation of your commitment to overcoming your problem, in spite of the failures that you (like all of us) often suffer.

I say dial back confession to weekly (just before Sunday mass if possible, but Saturday is fine) and if you fail in between, say some sort of small prayer as a penance for your venial sin. Develop a routine like that which will fit with your personality.

I also recommend you vett my advice with your parish priest since I’m just a jamoche nobody and he’s ordained to this stuff!! 😉
 
May I please humbly offer a few suggestions that might help you get past these trials that God is sending you for your sanctification? First, listen to this homily by a good and faithful Catholic FSSP priest.

Spiritual Flyswatters

This Father talks about both external protection against temptation and evil (holy water, brown scapular, etc.) as well as protective prayers that can help ward off the temptation and tame some of those demons that torment you.

When I returned to the Catholic church after a year of tepidity in my faith, I found myself assaulted with temptations for mortal sin and a nasty case of scrupulocity. I went to my priest at a new parish after a mass one weekday and had a long talk with him. At the end, I explained that I was aware that I was scrupulous, and that I needed a regular confessor that could help me grab control of those scruples. He agreed to enter into this relationship, and worked with me for months until I got them just about all under control, and taught me things that help to to avoid to not get a flare-up.

As for the mortal sin? Father also recommended a few pious daily prayers - a morning offering, a daily rosary, and the Three Hail Marys day and night. Even if I pray nothing else during the day, I pray these prayers every single day. Even if I can’t fit in a whole rosary, I will at least pray one decade. Between these prayers daily, and having my priest enroll me in the brown scapular (and wearing it every day), my attachment to mortal sin is simply gone. The days leading up to being enrolled in the scapular were filled with tortuous temptations and humiliating falls, but as soon as Father put that scapular around my neck, I instantly received a peace and protection that remains to this day.

I cannot recommend these simple devotions and prayers enough to help release you from your torment. They work. God is all powerful, and those who turn to Him in prayer will be embraced by Him and given the graces needed to sanctify their soul. Pray for humility, and the grace to know Him and to know yourself in Him. Humility and confidence in God’s grace and love will draw you to Him faster than anything else you can do. Little Thérèse puts this concept of “humble confidence” into one of the stories in her biography, ‘Story of a Soul’.
I look upon myself as a weak little bird, with only a light down as covering. I am not an eagle, but I have only an eagle’s EYES AND HEART. In spite of my extreme littleness I still dare to gaze upon the Diving Sun, the Sun of Love, and my heart feels within it all the aspirations of an Eagle.
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The little bird wills to fly toward the bright Sun that attracts its eye, imitating its brothers, the eagles, whom it sees climbing up toward the Divine Furnace of the Holy Trinity. But alas! the only thing it can do is raise its little wings; to fly is not within its little power!
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What then will become of it? Will it die of sorrow at seeing itself so weak? Oh no! the little bird will not even be troubled. With bold surrender, it wishes to remain gazing upon its Divine Sun. Nothing will frighten it, neither wind nor rain, and if dark clouds come and hide the Star of Love, the little bird will not change its place because it knows that beyond the clouds its bright Sun still shines on and that its brightness is not eclipsed for a single instant…
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Blessed be God for all of His gifts to us!
 
Getting ready for 7am mass, so I’ll be sending prayers your way.

God bless you

jesus g
 
You seem to be under a heavy and exacting burden. Sometimes we may need to do extraordinary things so that every bone in our body is truley repentent. Perhaps something like a penitant act.
Remember the scene in the film The Mission where Robert de Niro carried all the gear of the missionaries across rivers and mountains until he finally felt free of his sin. I’ve often wondered is this is good psychology, because the whole body becomes aware that it is been made suffer for that thing…really suffer.
In olden times, but also today, Catholics went on Penintent Pilgrimages, walking often barefoot to places like Santiago Compostello or Lough Derg and the act itself caused them to exorcise the sin.
Just a suggestion to ask your priest
 
Keep trying and keep seeking forgiveness, not only with confession,but by yourself. Our Lord knows your problem well, He was here on earth once you know and subject to all that we go through.

Keep trying and the God of infinite mercy will keep on forgiving. That is what i believe. Nobody here is perfect, we are all sinners and God truly recognizes that. God bless.
 
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