Allowing open marriage...does it become my sin?

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LostInNY said:
To those talking about my leaving…his background - his father cheated a lot, would go off with women, and then come back - until one day his mom had enough and they divorced. He hates his father. And yes, I have pointed out to him more than once the irony of the current situation he finds himself in.

His grandfather did the same to his father. Maybe part of me hopes that by staying and avoiding the divorce, our son won’t be as screwed up as the men on my husband’s side seem to be.

As for my daughter and the school lesson, she is well aware that I was removed from school due to my health. It’s state law (patient safety issues) - that was independent of my relationship. At least it left her the lesson of do the college thing early and to the best of your abilities, because there may not be a second chance.

I appreciate and am humbled by your offers of prayers. ** Like I said there are others far worse off than I. Maybe once the kids are out of the house this will be an easier decision (the leaving one). **

As far as the cheating one, I guess I’ll just keep quiet and not say yes or no. Maybe he’ll come to his senses and not do anything and change himself. But I’m not going to outright say yes to him.
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I will say-- you are trying to justify a very sick/unhealthy relationship. It comes down to – the damage done via your husbands paternal side and Yes your own parents – which is now “lived” in your marriage.
 
A theory was presented to me by a book a minister wrote:

When people indulge in illicit sex, they can get STDs. They can also get STDs. The first one being sexually transmitted diseases. The second being sexually transmitted demons. This way your husband is actually giving in to demons as well as the other. (sex with another woman). It certainly doesn’t sound normal. They must have a stronghold on him.

You probably would have a good legal case. The court could enforce this man to support you and the kids if you divorce him. If you are not self-supporting at this time, maybe they would insist that you get alimony.

The kids would be entitled to child support. Also, maybe you could get HIM to move out and you could stay in the house.

If you cannot afford a lawyer, maybe you could get legal aid wherever you live. If he has a good job, this could be just an idea.
 
jane_doe said:
Your husband learned to treat from his father, whom learned from his father. What do you except your son to learn?

The cycle of adultery and abuse is caused by what children learn from their parents, not by divorce.
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Yes
 
LostInNY said:
…so many others are in worse marriages sticking it out.
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From what you have written on here, I would doubt that there are that many in a worse marriage than yours.

You told your husband that a man raped you and he told you to be quiet about it because he wanted to carry on having sex with the rapist’s wife?

You don’t really get many husband’s much worse than that.
 
LostInNY said:
Aren’t we as women supposed to allow our husbands to do as they will?
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No, as wives it is our duty to do whatever we can to help our spouses get to heaven, just as it is their duty to help US get to heaven! Giving your husband the go-ahead to sin by committing adultery, putting another adult in the position of committing adultery, and being disrespectful to you and your children is NOT going to help him get to heaven. As others said, he’ll do whatever he’s going to do, but I wouldn’t give your blessing because that will make it all the easier for him to commit these sins.

I’m so very sorry you have had to deal with this over the years…😦
 
"Aren’t we as women supposed to allow our husbands to do as they will? "
This doesn’t mean a husband gets to be selfish and ignore his wife’s needs. It doesn’t mean he gets to ignore his marriage vows and cheat on his wife. It doesn’t mean the woman has to be a doormat. You were given a warped idea of what a wife is supposed to be.
 
Arizona_Fat_Gir said:
A theory was presented to me by a book a minister wrote:

When people indulge in illicit sex, they can get STDs. They can also get STDs. The first one being sexually transmitted diseases. The second being sexually transmitted demons. This way your husband is actually giving in to demons as well as the other. (sex with another woman). It certainly doesn’t sound normal. They must have a stronghold on him.

You probably would have a good legal case. The court could enforce this man to support you and the kids if you divorce him. If you are not self-supporting at this time, maybe they would insist that you get alimony.

The kids would be entitled to child support. Also, maybe you could get HIM to move out and you could stay in the house.

If you cannot afford a lawyer, maybe you could get legal aid wherever you live. If he has a good job, this could be just an idea.
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I did speak to an attorney about 5 years ago (maybe 6). It was his opinion that my husband would get primary custody because of my health issues, lack of support locally, history of suicide attempt (I tried about a year after our daughter was born, 2 years after the rape), etc. I’d rather crawl through Hell itself on my hands and knees than allow my husband sole custody.

My priest has told me to just pray, stick it out, that I made vows before God, that God will provide him guidance and I should stand by him, etc…but I haven’t discussed this open marriage/he wants to step out aspect. Yes, he knows about the rape. We prayed together on it a lot…and I am so thankful for the peace I have found with regards to that.

I do wonder if husband wanting to step out (or if/when he acts on it)that will change his opinion.
 
I believe you not only have grounds for divorce, but an anullment as well. Find another priest to talk to, and a better lawyer, then be totally honest with them. Get treatment for your medical condition.

God does NOT require you to stay in an abusive situation. In fact, you are OBLIGATED to protect yourself and your children from this situation.
 
LostInNY said:
I did speak to an attorney about 5 years ago (maybe 6). It was his opinion that my husband would get primary custody because of my health issues, lack of support locally, history of suicide attempt (I tried about a year after our daughter was born, 2 years after the rape), etc. I’d rather crawl through Hell itself on my hands and knees than allow my husband sole custody.

My priest has told me to just pray, stick it out, that I made vows before God, that God will provide him guidance and I should stand by him, etc.…but I haven’t discussed this open marriage/he wants to step out aspect. Yes, he knows about the rape. We prayed together on it a lot…and I am so thankful for the peace I have found with regards to that.

I do wonder if husband wanting to step out (or if/when he acts on it)that will change his opinion.
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In other words – you withheld from the priest – that the rape is the result of your husband’s insistence on an open marriage – and he wanted/wants to continue to have sex with the rapist’s wife.

And also – I would really question – whether the priest who told you to just pray – “and stick it out” – has your and your children’s – spiritual/mental/physical/etc. well being in mind.
 
MusherMaggie said:
I believe you not only have grounds for divorce, but an anullment as well. Find another priest to talk to, and a better lawyer, then be totally honest with them. Get treatment for your medical condition.

God does NOT require you to stay in an abusive situation. In fact, you are OBLIGATED to protect yourself and your children from this situation.
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Agree — 100%.
 
LostInNY said:
Thank you all for replying so quickly –

I wasn’t raised in an abusive household. I guess it was an old fashioned one - spankings, in-charge father and mother who brought me up in the belief that it was my sole duty to sacrifice to please my husband and children - that in order of importance it was God, husband, children, parents, then myself as a woman. I was taught early that as a mother I wasn’t going to be important - it’s exhibited by my beat-up clothes versus the very expensive clothes my family has, for example. This is what I was taught.

When I told my mother about our problems in the bedroom,** she blamed me for not being able to please him**, and that if I can’t please him he’ll go elsewhere. That was years ago, and here we are.

I do have a part-time job…from home. But it doesn’t pay well; however, full-time in an office or hospital I might make more. Just doesn’t work for us at the age my kids are at.

If something were to happen to him he is heavily insured, so we would be okay.

As for a priest/counseling. 4 different counselors told me to take anti-depressants and leave him. Leaving him is not an option. It feels selfish to leave because my needs aren’t met, especially when so many others are in worse marriages sticking it out.

He refuses to go because he knows he’ll be told his sex addiction is wrong and doesn’t want to hear it.

I have made my peace about the rape. I didn’t become pregnant, thank God, nor was I physically damaged. Prayer and speaking to a priest (and nun as well) helped me find peace.

It feels like I can’t forbid him to do it. But by turning the other way or allowing it, I guess it does make me complicit. Aren’t we as women supposed to allow our husbands to do as they will?
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As a mother, you have the most important job of all.

Do you know that children tend to emulate the marriage of their parents’, even if it was an unhealthy relationship?

Do you honestly want your daughter to be in a marriage where she is raped because her husband wants to commit adultery with another woman?

Do you want your son to grow up and force his wife into doing things just because it’s his will?

Please, please consider these questions. You think it is selfish to leave your husband because your needs aren’t being met? Your needs are important. They are, not matter what you were told growing up. Your needs are important, and you as a person are important.

You are being abused, just like your mother in law was, just like her mother was. Don’t let your future daughter in law become trapped in this cycle. Don’t let your daughter find a cycle of abuse for herself, and thinks she deserves it because it is all she has ever known.

You say in your post that both you and he knows that his sex addiction is wrong. If it is wrong, then there is no way that he should be doing this, even if it is his will. He is committing adultery and you need to know that you do not deserve this.

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through :hug1: Please be assured that I am thinking of you and your children, and I hope you realise that you are important and irreplaceable.

Lou
 
Walking_Home said:
In other words – you withheld from the priest – that the rape is the result of your husband’s insistence on an open marriage – and he wanted/wants to continue to have sex with the rapist’s wife.

And also – I would really question – whether the priest who told you to just pray – “and stick it out” – has your and your children’s – spiritual/mental/physical/etc. well being in mind.
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No I didn’t withhold anything from the priest. The rape and the swinging happened years ago and the request about the open marriage as far as cheating was recent. I haven’t been to see my priest yet to discuss this particular turn of events.
 
LostInNY said:
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Walking_Home:
In other words – you withheld from the priest – that the rape is the result of your husband’s insistence on an open marriage – and he wanted/wants to continue to have sex with the rapist’s wife.

And also – I would really question – whether the priest who told you to just pray – “and stick it out” – has your and your children’s – spiritual/mental/physical/etc. well being in mind.
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No I didn’t withhold anything from the priest. The rape and the swinging happened years ago and the request about the open marriage as far as cheating was recent. I haven’t been to see my priest yet to discuss this particular turn of events.
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Even though the this request for an open marriage is recent – it has been festering within your husband all along. The rape/swinging of the past --will continue to be part of the marriage and you — as long as you stay with this “man”.
 
MusherMaggie said:
I believe you not only have grounds for divorce, but an anullment as well. Find another priest to talk to, and a better lawyer, then be totally honest with them. Get treatment for your medical condition.

God does NOT require you to stay in an abusive situation. In fact, you are OBLIGATED to protect yourself and your children from this situation.
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👍
 
LostInNY said:
My husband has withheld intimacy for about 7 years. But ever since I told him I was pregnant with our first child in 2001, he has treated me like a leper. He blamed many things - stress, my becoming a mother, my no longer being beautiful, etc - but none were medical. I believe that the issue stemmed from my refusal to bring a third party (couple) back into the marriage.

Now I had done “swinging” because my mother taught me a “good and proper wife” does what her husband says. He wanted to do it, so I agreed. I was raped in the process, and when I informed my husband he told me to keep quiet so he could continue to “do” the guy’s wife. That’s how much he valued me.

I confessed to a priest already, and have come to terms and peace, as I truly thought I was doing what a wife was supposed to do.

So now fast forward back to current times. He agreed to have intercourse to conceive our son, but after that, nothing. He had fallen in love with someone else, but didn’t physically act on it. But he himself has admitted that he no longer wants me no matter what I look like and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Despite this, he and I are good friends and he is a good dad. He wants permission for “one-night-stands” just to get his kicks, but says he doesn’t want to leave me or the children.

If I agree to this, am I as guilty as he is in allowing it? I have no means to provide for our kids, and I place very little value in myself that I would be able to provide for them or even get another husband.

But I don’t want to further destroy my soul, as prayer is one of the few things that has gotten me through so much pain. So, is this my sin or just his?
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I would talk to someone at the diocesan Marriage Tribunal about this. To be honest, if anyone has any sort of idea how it would be best to handle this situation, they would (one has to be versed in Canon Law to sit on the tribunal).

I’ll be praying for you.
 
LostInNY said:
…Aren’t we as women supposed to allow our husbands to do as they will?
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No.

It is not only your right, as a human being, but also your duty, as his wife (and partner on the journey towards salvation), to stop him from this heinous road that he has embarked on. When you were married, you both made vows, before all and before God, that you would love each other (with these words) “in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

Love isn’t only *affective *(i.e. that feeling you get when you embrace someone you care about very much), but also effective. Effective love is, in times like this, the ability to do something which wills the good of another, but might not include *affective *love.

Even if you do so knowing that he will not listen, you are still required, in virtue of being Christian, to try to bring your husband to see the Truth.
 
Dear sister,
I left an abusive marriage years ago. I stayed longer than i should have, but like you, I wanted to be supportive to my husband. I didn;t leave until it became dangerous for my children.
Only then did I realize I had to go.
Once I had been away for awhile, I began to see things differently. You can’t really see what’s going on until you begin living a normal lifestyle, in which you are treated with the respect and dignity you deserve.
You can’t see what it’s doing to your children until you get them away from the abuse. Witnessing the disrespect your husband shows you is abusive to your children.

There are organizations that help women in abusive situations relocate and create new lives for themselves. I urge you to look into that.
You are in my prayers.
 
LostInNY said:
My husband has withheld intimacy for about 7 years. But ever since I told him I was pregnant with our first child in 2001, he has treated me like a leper. He blamed many things - stress, my becoming a mother, my no longer being beautiful, etc - but none were medical. I believe that the issue stemmed from my refusal to bring a third party (couple) back into the marriage.

Now I had done “swinging” because my mother taught me a “good and proper wife” does what her husband says. He wanted to do it, so I agreed. I was raped in the process, and when I informed my husband he told me to keep quiet so he could continue to “do” the guy’s wife. That’s how much he valued me.

I confessed to a priest already, and have come to terms and peace, as I truly thought I was doing what a wife was supposed to do.

So now fast forward back to current times. He agreed to have intercourse to conceive our son, but after that, nothing. He had fallen in love with someone else, but didn’t physically act on it. But he himself has admitted that he no longer wants me no matter what I look like and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Despite this, he and I are good friends and he is a good dad. He wants permission for “one-night-stands” just to get his kicks, but says he doesn’t want to leave me or the children.

If I agree to this, am I as guilty as he is in allowing it? I have no means to provide for our kids, and I place very little value in myself that I would be able to provide for them or even get another husband.

But I don’t want to further destroy my soul, as prayer is one of the few things that has gotten me through so much pain. So, is this my sin or just his?
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In my humble, you need to consult a canon lawyer having many skills and having with great qualities for studying your conjugal situation in the details, with all subtleties and without taboo, in order to find out if it is possible to get a declaration of nullity of this marriage. Only, a deeply catholic canon lawyer with *great academic degrees *in link with the Canon Law, the Catholic theology and the Catholic philosophy can help you. Indeed, in your particular situation, you need a great specialist, very smart, very so intelligent and quite doctrinal (a speculative view respecting the canon law and the jurisprudence of the Holy Rota). You and this canon lawyer should discover the possibilities open by the Catholic rules, and should propose them to the catholic Courts, and thus wait the ultimate decision.

The issue of the declaration of nullity of this marriage can be asked to the catholic competent authority. Are you really married, that is the question!!! Ask to the Roman Catholic Church via a catholic trial about link of your “particular” marriage.

Pray God, Saint Joseph, the Holy Virgin and your keeper angel for your children, for you, for the declaration of nullity and may be for your pseudo-spouse.
 
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