Almost a legal adult, how do I tell my parents I want to attend mass?

[Xantippe]

I suspect that in many families, “just go” may actually be the option that stirs up the least dust. In my own experience, long discussions with parents who are firmly opposed to something tend not to go well - the parent often feels upset that their child is “talking back” to them and resists hearing points from their child. If the child does not give in even after a prolonged discussion, the parent may feel that the child is defying them and become more upset. Simply going to mass, with a minimum of fuss, and quietly enduring any slights and insults, may very well be the best option.

Yes.

 

[jane_doe]

I have a question for those here advocating that the OP sneak off to Mass, against their parent’s express wishes, and to (by omission) lie about it–

How would you feel if your 18 year old child-- still in high school, living under your roof, and finically dependent on you, whom against your expressed wishes and teachings snuck away to a Mosque for Friday prayer services and (by omission) lied to you about it?

Personally, I’d go ballistic.

OP, please do NOT disrespect your parents by sneaking around and lying to them. Such is horribly against the commandments of God, stated by both the church of your birth and the Catholic church.

 

[guanophore]

I’m sorry, I should’ve elaborated.
My family is Evangelical and I have always been raised going to church.
My parents disagree with most all that the Catholic Church teaches. I have tried to get them to see both sides (gently; through asking questions, suggestions books that I myself was reading, etc.) , and though they have let me attend 2-3 Catholic events, they finally drew the line and said no more.

At this point, I am still unable to drive, but will most likely be able to by the coming fall. I can wait that long, if necessary.
I do know the youth leader at the church I’d like to attend well, and I’m sure he could get me in contact with the priest.

It is likely that they only disagree with what they think the CC teaches. Most Evangelicals are badly misinformed about the Catholic faith.

I agree with some of the comments above. While it would be great if you can quietly attend on your own, as long as you live under your parents’ roof you have an obligation to respect their wishes.

In the meantime, you can study and read on your own. Perhaps they would not be too provoked if you began by studying the history of the Evangelical faith of which you have been a part? Eventually you will trace it back to the Reformation. This study can help you understand the theological differences.

You can also study the Catholic faith by reading the catechism and bringing your questions here to CAF. We will keep you company!

 

[guanophore]

Eh, so if I, as a 40-year-old woman, was visiting parents who didn’t want me to go to Sunday Mass, I shouldn’t go to Sunday Mass?

At some point, it stops being “undue” dust.

This is different. You have already been emancipated, and have made your own adult choices about your faith journey. You have a choice about visiting, and if it comes to the point where you have to choose visiting or Mass, you are in a position to be independently mobile and exercise the choice. The OP does not yet have this level of freedom, and as long as she is dependent upon her parents will be restricted in freedom.

But don’t you see that there is a continuum?

If the OP were to still be living at home at 28 or 30 (which many young people today are), would he or she still be bound not to go to Mass?

That would depend upon the nature of the dependency.

 

[Xantippe]

I have a question for those here advocating that the OP sneak off to Mass, against their parent’s express wishes, and to (by omission) lie about it–

How would you feel if your 18 year old child-- still in high school, living under your roof, and finically dependent on you, whom against your expressed wishes and teachings snuck away to a Mosque for Friday prayer services and (by omission) lied to you about it?

Personally, I’d go ballistic.

OP, please do NOT disrespect your parents by sneaking around and lying to them. Such is horribly against the commandments of God, stated by both the church of your birth and the Catholic church.

I don’t think I believe that that is “lying by omission.” And if the parent goes ballistic, isn’t that a pretty good sign that the 18-year-old made the right call not telling them?

Is the 18-year-old required to tell their parents ALL of their movements during the day? Or a 22-year-old or 26-year-old? As they get older, that gets less and less realistic.

I don’t think that this particular OP should start right away, but a certain freedom of movement is to be expected for a young adult. Including (GASP!) a visit to a mosque.

 

[Xantippe]

This is different. You have already been emancipated, and have made your own adult choices about your faith journey. You have a choice about visiting, and if it comes to the point where you have to choose visiting or Mass, you are in a position to be independently mobile and exercise the choice. The OP does not yet have this level of freedom, and as long as she is dependent upon her parents will be restricted in freedom.

That would depend upon the nature of the dependency.

So, a wheelchair bound young adult who can’t live independently can’t ever go to Mass while their parents live?

That doesn’t sound right.

 

[guanophore]

So, a wheelchair bound young adult who can’t live independently can’t ever go to Mass while their parents live?

That doesn’t sound right.

No, it does not sound right at all.

1. We are not talking about the lifespan of the parents, but the freedom (or lack thereof) of a minor child being supported by them.
2. A person does not need to be dependent upon others just because they are wheelchair bound or otherwise disabled.
3. People with disabilities do not need to live under their parents roof or be supported by them.
4. Adults have access to services and options to get transportation to Mass that a minor does not.

 

[Xantippe]

How did the word “minor” slip in? The OP is about to turn 18.

No, it does not sound right at all.

1. We are not talking about the lifespan of the parents, but the freedom (or lack thereof) of a **minor **child being supported by them.
2. A person does not need to be dependent upon others just because they are wheelchair bound or otherwise disabled.
3. People with disabilities do not need to live under their parents roof or be supported by them.
4. Adults have access to services and options to get transportation to Mass that a minor does not.

 

[Xantippe]

There seem to be a number of disabled adult CAFers who are dependent upon parents or have been dependent on parents well into adulthood.

No, it does not sound right at all.

1. We are not talking about the lifespan of the parents, but the freedom (or lack thereof) of a minor child being supported by them.
2. A person does not need to be dependent upon others just because they are wheelchair bound or otherwise disabled.
3. People with disabilities do not need to live under their parents roof or be supported by them.
4. Adults have access to services and options to get transportation to Mass that a minor does not.

 

[jane_doe]

Xantippe, how can you ethically recommend that a child LIE to their parents?

And yes, what you are recommending (sneaking out against parent’s wishes and then ‘just not mention it’) is 100% lying via omission.

 

[guanophore]

How did the word “minor” slip in? The OP is about to turn 18.

He is a teenager living with his parents and is financially and materially dependent upon them. He is not emancipated.

There seem to be a number of disabled adult CAFers who are dependent upon parents or have been dependent on parents well into adulthood.

Disabled persons can be in a position to be dependent upon others who may not even be relations. I work with disabled people daily, and many are dependent upon others for food, shelter, transportation, etc. Some of them exist in various degrees of imprisonment in dwellings belonging to family members who take their disability checks. Their choices can be very limited.

Dependency does not equate to disability. The OP is not claiming any kind of disability, just stating that she is living under her parents roof, parents who are providing support, and have made it clear that attendance at anything Catholic is not acceptable. As long as she resides under their roof, and relies upon them for basic needs, her choices will be limited by the limits they have placed upon her.

 

[Memaw]

18, may legally make you an adult, but there are many things to consider, as to what really makes one an adult in a family.

Are there younger siblings in the home to be considered? How will it influence them?

Of course there comes a time where adult children become independent for the most part, even if still living at home, perhaps contributing some amount financially for things like cars, insurance, food etc., but it’s usually a gradual process.

I’d caution against using a "I’m 18 and so can do what I want” especially, if the OP is totally financially dependent still on their parents.

I’d suggest a heart to heart, if you haven’t had one already, to get a real understanding of what it is they oppose. Then maybe you will be better able to address their concerns.

The most important thing to consider is to put God FIRST. Parents shouldn’t be able to tell an adult child not to worship God on Sunday. No matter where they live. That is the Third Commandment. I think one should try to handle this with as little pain as possible. That’s why I suggested the young person go talk to the Priest for help. God has to come first, even before family. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Xantippe]

Xantippe, how can you ethically recommend that a child LIE to their parents?

And yes, what you are recommending (sneaking out against parent’s wishes and then ‘just not mention it’) is 100% lying via omission.

A legal adult child doesn’t normally provide parents with a complete list of all the places they’ve gone every day.

Only a really abusive parent would insist on that.

 

[DarkLight]

The obligation to obey parents is tempered by the obligation of parents to work towards their children being able to be independent - even if the child makes choices that aren’t what their parents would choose. One of those areas of independence is religion. It’s appropriate for an 18 year old to start making their own choices regarding religion, even if they’re not independent. (And I would argue that, short of joining the military, most 18 year olds in this country don’t have a realistic opportunity to be independent of their parents.)

 

[Xantippe]

He is a teenager living with his parents and is financially and materially dependent upon them. He is not emancipated.

Disabled persons can be in a position to be dependent upon others who may not even be relations. I work with disabled people daily, and many are dependent upon others for food, shelter, transportation, etc. Some of them exist in various degrees of imprisonment in dwellings belonging to family members who take their disability checks. Their choices can be very limited.

Dependency does not equate to disability. The OP is not claiming any kind of disability, just stating that she is living under her parents roof, parents who are providing support, and have made it clear that attendance at anything Catholic is not acceptable. As long as she resides under their roof, and relies upon them for basic needs, her choices will be limited by the limits they have placed upon her.

What I’m looking for is a general rule governing the behavior of adult children in their parents’ home.

I’m pointing out that the rule “as long as you are under your parents’ roof you must do exactly what they tell you to and tell them exactly what you do everywhere and every place you go” would not seem to apply very well to older young adults living at home or to dependent disabled older young adults, much less to married adult children living in their parents’ home with a spouse and children. (The latter situation is not uncommon these days.)

There’s also the question, what if the shoe were on the other foot? If it were a frail, elderly mother living with adult children, could they forbid her from going to the church of her choice if she wants to continue living with them? The golden rule suggests giving freedom of worship to vulnerable adults living under our roof.

I do not think there is any moral obligation on the part of the legal adult child to follow that rule (must do everything parents say and report all comings and goings). But, on the other hand, the parents of the legal adult child are no longer obligated to house him or her–so they can try to make it stick even if it isn’t a moral obligation.

I feel like the moral and the pragmatic issues are getting mixed up in this discussion. Morally, I don’t think that a legal adult has an obligation to obey their parents in all particulars and give a full accounting of their movements. So, if her mom told her to wear a sweater and she leaves the house wearing a sweater but takes it off later when she’s overheated, I don’t think that’s at all sinful. Or if her mother tells her to go out with Steve (and Steve gives her the creeps) I don’t think she’s obligated to go out with Steve.

I think the OP’s question is primarily a pragmatic issue and a relationship issue rather than a moral issue, and so the answers are going to depend on the particular people involved. As long as the OP doesn’t say anything untrue and is respectful, I feel like he or she has a lot of moral latitude in figuring out how to deal with the situation.

I don’t have kids that age yet, but given that we may have college students living at home in the future and older adult children live at home so frequently these days because of economic issues, I have been starting to think about the issue.

Here are some of my preliminary thoughts on the subject:

–must be studying (and working if feasible)
–must have reasonable grades
–must have full-time work if not studying
–mandatory savings program for working young adults (to make sure they are making progress toward independent living)
–school night curfew of 11, weekend curfew of midnight
–a reasonable amount of chores
–must be respectful toward everybody else at home
–church on Sunday
–reasonably moral behavior

As you can see, I’m more interested in what they do rather than what they don’t do.

 

[Xantippe]

The obligation to obey parents is tempered by the obligation of parents to work towards their children being able to be independent - even if the child makes choices that aren’t what their parents would choose.

Right. A good parent will put a teenager and young adult on the road to making more and more independent decisions, even while living at home.

It’s not reasonable to expect a young adult to go from doing literally everything their parents tell them to, to having 100% responsibility for a home of there own. There needs to be some sort of grey area of increasing independence.

 

[DarkLight]

I think the OP’s question is primarily a pragmatic issue and a relationship issue rather than a moral issue, and so the answers are going to depend on the particular people involved. As long as the OP doesn’t say anything untrue and is respectful, I feel like he or she has a lot of moral latitude in figuring out how to deal with the situation.

This.

Now the specific approach to take is going to depend somewhat on the dynamics of this particular family. In a family like mine, just go and don’t make a fuss about it would probably be the right thing to do. Trying to hash it out would just lead to a lot of hurt feelings and people blowing up at each other. In other families, having a discussion beforehand of why you want to go to mass might be the thing to do.

And of course there’s always the possibility that the parents might say “you may not do this while under our roof.” That would be unfortunate, and I think it would be the wrong choice for the parents to make, but it is a possibility. In that case I would recommend talking to a priest about options - how exactly to work that out will depend on various situational factors.

 

[jane_doe]

A legal adult child doesn’t normally provide parents with a complete list of all the places they’ve gone every day.

Only a really abusive parent would insist on that.

So you think that as long as the parent doesn’t point-blank ask, it’s not deceitful for a child to sneak around, go against thier parents express commands, and hide thier tracks? (Sorry for harping so much on this… It just blows my mind that you would actually encourage such decietiful actions).

And please, we’re talking about an high school student here, please leave 20 year olds and disable people out of this.

 

[Lou2U]

So you think that as long as the parent doesn’t point-blank ask, it’s not deceitful for a child to sneak around, go against thier parents express commands, and hide thier tracks? (Sorry for harping so much on this… It just blows my mind that you would actually encourage such decietiful actions).

And please, we’re talking about an high school student here, please leave 20 year olds and disable people out of this.

I think that everyone has the right to practise a religion, if they so choose, and the OP should not be prevented from going to Mass if that is what she wants to do.

I haven’t seen anything from the OP where she stated she was forbidden to go to Mass. Just that they didn’t like it and wanted her to stop.

An 18 year old doesn’t necessarily have to inform their parents where they are going, and they should not be stopped from going somewhere that the parents don’t like. Fair enough if it’s dangerous, but it’s just a church.

Lou

 

[Xantippe]

So you think that as long as the parent doesn’t point-blank ask, it’s not deceitful for a child to sneak around, go against thier parents express commands, and hide thier tracks? (Sorry for harping so much on this… It just blows my mind that you would actually encourage such decietiful actions).

And please, we’re talking about an high school student here, please leave 20 year olds and disable people out of this.

I feel like a high school student and a college student are rather different critters, even if they are both 18. A high school student is supposed to be particular places at particular times. An 18-year-old college student is usually on a much looser leash. They could easily go to a noon daily Mass off campus without any sneaking around or hiding of tracks. They just GO.

When I was 18, I was a college junior, I was living away from home out of state 3/4 of the time, I was in complete control of my schedule when I was away from home, I did a semester abroad in Russia, and I went to Mass from time to time there without asking my Evangelical parents mother-may-I.

I find the level of control you are suggesting is appropriate for an 18-year-old pretty disturbing.

The OP probably ought to talk to a priest to figure out how to thread the needle of honoring parents and following their conscience.