Am I a bad mom?

[momfromwi]

My kids are getting older - they are 12, 10, 8 and 5. I will admit it has been hard for me watching them grow up. I have been a stay home mom for almost 10 years and I miss the innocence of them being so little. Anyone who complains about their kids when they are babies and toddlers doesn’t realize that those are actually the “easy” years!

Now my kids are now getting so influenced by their friends and what they see in public or on television (even though we do not have cable and are very cautious about what they watch).

The big struggle for me is the love/hate relationship I have with technology. I love how computers have made my life easier - bill paying, email, a place to store my recipes , helps me to help my kids with their homework, etc.

What I dislike is the way that computers have taken the place of a “real” friendship. My 12-year old’s friends all have Facebook accounts (by lying about their birth dates) and cell phones where they text message each other. They communicate this way instead of planning get-togethers or actually talking on the phone. I encourage my oldest daughter to invite her friends over, or to plan an outing of some sort - roller skating, sledding, crafting, bowling - but she wants nothing of it. I also found an awful book in her backpack that her friend gave her to read (believe me, the school would NEVER allow this book in the library), so now I have to deal with that. That is actually a whole other thread I’ll have to post… She is growing up WAY too fast. At her age I was still playing with dolls!

I don’t allow my kids to have a Facebook account (and I don’t think I will ever let them), and I don’t allow them their very own cell phone when the only reason they want one is to text with misspelled works and abbreviations. I don’t like the way texting is so secretive, either.

By no means are they living without technology. We have 3 cell phones, 4 computers, mp3 players, digital cameras, Nintendo DS’s, the Wii, and most recently, my 3 older kids got an iPod Touch for Christmas.

I do, however put limits on everything. They are only allowed up to 2 hours a day on their iPods, and that is only if their homework and chores are done. I do allow them to do “face time” (kind of like Skype) with their best friends and cousins, but I do not allow texting or the texting lingo. The Wii and DS can only be played on the weekends (they play games on their iPods during the week anyway). We have the internet search option disabled so they cannot freely search the web.

My 12-year old always complains about how she doesn’t have a cell phone - it is SO sickening! I told her she could email her friends from her iPod now, but that’s not good enough, I guess. She tried to do some sort of texting thing with her friend this morning (even though I don’t really approve), but it turned out her friend doesn’t have the right program on her phone. My daughter was so upset about that, that she started crying - pathetic!

My husband is a tech/gadget junkie, so I don’t get much support from him. In his opinion this is just what the world is coming to and I should let the kids do what their friends are doing. I know there are some benefits of kids using computer devices, like for school and learning and hand-eye coordination, but nothing takes the place of real face-to-face contact with friends, laughing together, and physical activity (not the Wii!).

My kids are in activities and sports, but I limit it to two activities each because having 4 kids multiplies everything by, well…4! My top priority for them is school and getting good grades, so they need time during the week to get their homework done and study.

I also have a homemade meal on the table, every weeknight. I am trying to do all the right things and I feel like it’s for nothing lately. Why do my kids always complain about they STUFF they don’t have! I tell them that all their “stuff” doesn’t make them who they are. We volunteer and give to the poor, even though we are near the poverty line ourselves right now. Last night I made homemade pizza - gave them all a ball of dough and toppings and they loved it. We then watched a family friendly show together and played a game. But when that was all done, they ran straight for the iPods, like they had never played on one before!

How can I convince them that their world is not all about computers and texting? Do I have to go so far as homeschooling (or private school) so they won’t be so influenced by their peers? Or am I just too strict for a world that is changing so fast? Why do I feel so guilty about limiting/not allowing these activities when me doing so is supposed to be good for them?

I would love advice from anyone, especially someone else who went through this. What worked for you? How do we find friends that value real relationships more than hand-held computer ones? It seems like “everyone is doing it” – excessively!

Thanks in advance.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No, you aren’t a bad mom, but I do think that you are a bit misguided. Very clearly you love your kids and want what’s best for them, and I understand that you want them to socialize and build relationships face to face. Unfortunately though, you’re going to have to budge. How will they build strong relationships at all if you’re insisting on face to face and everyone else is building them electronically? They are going to feel isolated. There is something to be said for limits, like no texting after 10, or only up to a certain number of texts a month. I really think that Facebook should be allowed. Under the condition that you are on their friends list, and you have their password and are able to monitor the privacy settings and make sure that they aren’t being exposed to inappropriate content.

I am college educated and in my 20’s. I have a good job that will allow me to move up in my chosen industry. My boss communicates with me via text. I am in charge of running a company Facebook and Twitter as part of my marketing duties. My fiance, an accountant at a respected technology firm is required to have a company phone and computer, with Yahoo IM running all the time. That’s how they communicate in and out of the office.

This really is the way of the world now, and your kids are lucky, they are going to grow up learning how to do this. You have to make adjustments in your parenting style not only to prepare them for the world, but to prevent them from feeling isolated and left out of their social circle. If all of the funniest “inside jokes” are on facebook, and their friends don’t want to talk on the phone, they will be missing out on so much.

And to homeschool your kids because you don’t like the way that they socialize, well, that seems like a very bad idea. It would be one thing if you were trying to keep them from their drug-addled friends. But to keep them from texting?

 

[momfromwi]

BlueEyed,

I appreciate your suggestions and (name removed by moderator)ut. I know we live in a world of technology and there is a place for all that. You are an adult and use it in your job, as I am sure my kids will someday. But childhood is precious and seeing an “inside joke” on FB is not the same as belly laughing on the floor with your friends. And like I said, my kids are in no way missing out on technology - we have several computerized devices that they use daily. Facebook may be a place to socialize, but it is also a place to be secretive and say things and hear things you shouldn’t as a child. Even if I have my kids’ passwords they could still delete posts before I see them, and it doesn’t prevent them from seeing some trashy posts on one of their “friends” walls.

And it’s not all about what is said to who between friends. It’s also about the family values I am trying to raise my kids with, and to be productive, loving people in the eyes of God. You can’t focus on those things if the most important thing in your life is waiting for the next text message.

Since I am on Catholic Answers, I am really looking for advice from Catholic parents. Thanks again, though, for your response.

 

[jmcrae]

My 12-year old always complains about how she doesn’t have a cell phone - it is SO sickening! I told her she could email her friends from her iPod now, but that’s not good enough, I guess.

It’s not - kids don’t read their e-mail - their parents read it, and inform them of anything that might be important. Parents only check their kids’ e-mail about once a week, and they’ll usually delete anything that’s “fluff” (ie: your daughter’s messages) without informing their child that it was received.

She tried to do some sort of texting thing with her friend this morning (even though I don’t really approve), but it turned out her friend doesn’t have the right program on her phone. My daughter was so upset about that, that she started crying - pathetic!

I’d be frustrated, too. I know you’re trying to force your daughter to make an appointment with her friend for face-to-face interaction, but the friend has the option of texting with other friends, so unless your daughter has something huge to tempt her friend with to get her to come out, it’s probably not going to happen.

My kids are in activities and sports, but I limit it to two activities each because having 4 kids multiplies everything by, well…4! My top priority for them is school and getting good grades, so they need time during the week to get their homework done and study.

I agree with you on limiting the number of outings per week-night or weekend, so that the family can have dinner together most of the time - these outings will be where your kids make their friends - and on week-nights and Sundays when they are in the house with you and their Dad eating dinner together, getting their homework done, and playing traditional games, they’ll also want to text and facebook with their friends, in order to maintain these relationships and keep up with what’s going on.

I think you should allow them to participate in these things, and I think you should monitor them to make sure your kids aren’t being enticed by strangers to do things they shouldn’t do.

Back when we were kids, we all ran outside after dinner and met at the playground. Today, if you send your kid out to the playground after dinner, she will most likely be playing by herself - everyone else is inside, texting and facebooking. It is unfortunate, but it is today’s reality. Many parents would actually rather have their kids texting and facebooking than out at the playground.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

BlueEyed,

I appreciate your suggestions and (name removed by moderator)ut. I know we live in a world of technology and there is a place for all that. You are an adult and use it in your job, as I am sure my kids will someday. But childhood is precious and seeing an “inside joke” on FB is not the same as belly laughing on the floor with your friends. And like I said, my kids are in no way missing out on technology - we have several computerized devices that they use daily. Facebook may be a place to socialize, but it is also a place to be secretive and say things and hear things you shouldn’t as a child. Even if I have my kids’ passwords they could still delete posts before I see them, and it doesn’t prevent them from seeing some trashy posts on one of their “friends” walls.

Since I am on Catholic Answers, I am really looking for advice from Catholic parents. Thanks again, though, for your response.

They could delete the stuff. But of course, they could be talking/hearing about inappropriate things at school, on the bus, during extracurricular activities, etc. The important thing is to impart your values on them and build up a level of trust so that they feel comfortable coming to you and they place your family’s values above what their friends say. (Of course, allowing them to get a Facebook and you monitoring it would be a great way to get to know your kids friends better and know what you should worried about, if anything).

Of course the joke on Facebook is not the same. However, when the kids are together in person that’s what they’re going to talk about and reference, and bellylaugh about. It will be harder for your child to build and maintain relationships without that. My religious beliefs aside, there’s no denying that that’s how people communicate.

And like I said earlier, it’s going to be hard for your kids to socialize face to face with their friends if most of the socializing is electronic. It’s just going to make them lonely and left out.

 

[Catholic90]

My youngest is in Catholic high school. He has several teachers who post assignments and have “class group” study messaging boards on Facebook. So Facebook is how they are studying, getting notes, getting assignments, etc. It is also how several extra curricular activities post schedules, last minute changes, things they need to bring to the next practice, etc. It has been this way for a few years now. Another class also uses Twitter.

The reality is that Facebook and texting is how teens communicate. You can prohibit your teens from participating in that if you wish. However, please recognize that you will also be limiting their social involvement.

My sons have social gatherings very frequently at our house. Generally, they either text a few friends, or they create “an event” on Facebook (private event) and sent Facebook invites to those they wish to come. It has happened on occasion where after the event, they realized they never invited someone who was not on Facebook.

 

[1inICXC]

Momfromwi,

I can only imagine what a conflicting situation this may be. As parents, we have to acknowledge that this whole worldis against us and we have to keep the garbage out and, at the same time, find good, interesting, cool and wholesome alternatives.

My children are still 5 and under and I absolutely dread the issues you are describing but, at the same time, we got to taking things on early. We banned Santa clause, Disney princesses, spiderman, batman, monster, transformers, Hanna Montana etc… And this is just for 5 and under.

Our children know about all of these things, we just constantly explain to them that it makes mommy and daddy, and God, happier when we do x instead of z or when we play with x instead of z and then give explanations adequate to their level of understanding.it hasn’t been easy even this far getting our little girl (5) to understand that while Disney princesses may be beautiful, we have to be more concerned about the beauty of our hearts, about modesty, kindness etc. But after many open and loving discussions she agreed it is mor important to be a princess of God and she has developed a pretty good concept of modesty and immodesty. We have no TVbut they have hand-picked cartoon and music list on YouTube that they get to watch several times a week and they’re allowed to play fun and educational games on our mobile devices. Again, it’s a constant struggle between the lures of the world and what is of the Kingdom and, in Our situation, if anything helps, I hope, it will be the fact that we started early. We first eliminated Disney princesses, Santa, mini skirts and belly tops for little girls…and will be working our way up. It will be consistent with this line to then limit facebook, MTV etc.

Just constanly offer alternatives that are also enticing, help them see the value of wholesome hobbies and friends and, if you could surround yourself with lik-minded people it would be best.

Ultimately however, we have to accept that the lures of this world can be beyond their ability to resist and you are not a bad mom if they end up following things against your will and their own conscience. Be loving, open, joyful and understanding (and very prayerful) and hopefully that will win them over. I truly believe that if children have love, affirmation, joy and attention and affection at home, they will much less likely rebel over whims of what “others” have. We must engage our children, let them socialize I groups and sports teams that are wholesome and give them a good spiritual foundation to fill their lives with what is good,

It’s quite a battle out there, may God give you the strength to figh the good fight!

 

[Ellyakamommy]

My children are younger, but the scenarios you describe is something I’m tryin to prepare myself for as well.

I think under 13 is too young for Facebook and any other online presence. Youth ministries are increasingly tryi to stay current and keep in touch. Is Facebook, but email lists still exist for a reason too. The children are minors and it is up to the parents to decide what an appropriate amount of computer/online/online presence the children have.

Texting can get very expensive very fast. If they have a phone, why not use it to speak?
And events and activities are less appealing than staying home?!? At 12 and under, I can see where transportation arrangements make it difficult for kids to attend an outing, bu could you also offer to provide the ride to facilitate a trip?

My last thought, have you yourself gotten close to the parents of your children’s friends? If my daughter came home saying she was invited to something, I’d be waiting for a phone call to make sure it’s official and plan for it…otherwise it can jus be kids talking and making plans with no follow through, you know? And if you get to know the parents, I’m sure you’ll start finding a few that are more like-minded and encouraging of real face-time with friends.

 

[Catholic90]

Texting can get very expensive very fast. If they have a phone, why not use it to speak?

That is why one should have unlimited texting! No self-respecting teen actually talks on a phone to another teen! Are you kidding me? Talking is reserved solely for the unhip parents who do not know how to text and grandparents.

 

[poker10]

That is why one should have unlimited texting! No self-respecting teen actually talks on a phone to another teen! Are you kidding me? Talking is reserved solely for the unhip parents who do not know how to text and grandparents.

I’ve always said that if the telephone was new technology and texting had been around for 100 years, people would go crazy over this new invention that “lets you actually hear another person’s voice in real time!!”

 

[jmcrae]

That is why one should have unlimited texting! No self-respecting teen actually talks on a phone to another teen! Are you kidding me? Talking is reserved solely for the unhip parents who do not know how to text and grandparents.

At least with texting, no one has to overhear the inane things they say to one another.

 

[Catholic90]

At least with texting, no one has to overhear the inane things they say to one another.

Isn’t that the truth!

Sup?
Nothing. What are you doing?
Nothing. Homework.
Same.
K.
See you later.

Hey.
Hi.
Busy?
No.
Did you finish math?
Yeah.
Mr. B is so mean.
I know, right?
He can’t teach.
I agree.
Ready for the test?
Yeah. It’s pretty easy.
Can you believe was Sarah said to Jill?
She was right, tho.
I know, but she was mad!
That was funny.
Yeah.
Did you ask your mom if I can come over?
Yeah. She called your mom I think.
Cool.
Gotta go. See ya tomorrow.
K. Bye.

Repeat multiple times per day with multiple people. Add Facebook Chat or wall messaging, and this is how modern day communication occurs among teens!

 

[casey_zia]

No, you are not a bad mom. You just need to find other moms who haven’t thrown in the towel! I’m on your side–I have four teens and we seem to do just fine with no personal cell phones, no Facebook. I also have friends who have kids the same ages and they are on the same page–it just isn’t an issue. My kids laugh at the guests who come to our house and are texting through the supper hour. And we are NOT without technology in the house–we all have to choose what fits our family, and help our kids grow in discernment (even about using technology appropriately) and in building relationships.

 

[Robertanthony]

I’ve always said that if the telephone was new technology and texting had been around for 100 years, people would go crazy over this new invention that "lets you actually hear another person’s voice in real time!!"

Very good observation. Novelty is the name of the game.

 

[novelista]

My kid is 12, no cellphone, no facebook, no ipod, supervised computer time.

Thankfully, she doesn’t bug us too much about not having a phone or whatever, but we’ve told her that she’s not responsible enough to have a phone–she doesn’t take very good care of the things she does have.

I think you’re doing everything right.

 

[cmscms]

My heart bleeds for you because although I have no kids I TOTALLY agree with everything you said.

However, my parents though they were doing what was best for me in the 80s. They sent me to a school out of town they though would be better for me when all the kids in the neighbourhood went to a school down the street. I could only see my friends on weekends and was left out of SO mnay jokes about things that happened at their school. Then to make it worst, they could meet other kids in town and get invite to parties and since these girls did not know me I was not invited, had no outlet to make friends in town and was 100% at the mercy of these girls to have a social life

So, back to your problem. You need to discern what is doing your kid the most harm. Technology or being left out of the gang. I tend to go for the ‘technology is doing them more harm’, but went I think back to how my parents ‘thinking they were doing best’ cause me so much harm as a teenager and now that I am an adult see the high school you went to has NO bearing what so ever in my life, I have to wonder: ‘Will your kids look back at their life and just see they have a resentment of being left out and they are now adults who have NO advantage what so ever compared to their peers’

Perhaps a compromise. Every time they have a friend over gets them so many texting minutes?

My heart bleeds for you because it is NOT an easy situation

CM

 

[TheRealJuliane]

First, your 12 year old needs to start to be given more freedom. Along with that, comes more responsibility. Feed it to her a little bit at a time, see how she does, and adjust as necessary. Start now, or face out and out rebellion as she gets older and her friends have more and more freedom and she has…none. You talk, talk, talk to her about all the choices she is going to have to make, and you allow her to make mistakes NOW while the consequences are not so dire as they will be later on. I know it’s hard to see them grow up, but you are now on the fast track to your daughter’s departure for college in just 5 or 6 years! Start teaching her to make good decisions and how to recover from mistakes now! you have no time to waste. Let her try some things while she is still under your roof. You can discuss as you go along, what is working, what is not, etc. It is harder to do this, but you need to move into a coach mode with her. Your husband needs to be on the same page too. So you need to soften your stance toward methods of communication. I would get her a phone, and I would consider letting her make a FB page, with a lot of controls on it.

I take it all your kids are in public school? Just know that they are going to be the freaks in their classes…It is the coin of the realm to at least have a cell phone and be able to send/receive texts. Actually the voice part of the phone is useless any more, and your demanding that your kids call their friends is akin to making them call in person with calling cards in hand (like in the Victorian era). They may not be fighting you right now, but you can be sure they are feeling left out…(at least the 12 year old).

This thing you have about texting “lingo.” You’re gonna have to let that one go. I’m an English major and chat room text used to drive me NUTS. now i cn write in lwr case just lik ne1 else. I mean, you have SO MANY battles ahead of you if you are going to freak out because kids don’t spell while texting. It’s actually adaptive of the little dears - it takes too darn long to spell everything out!!

Controlling every aspect of the way kids communicate with their friends is gonna drive you KOO KOO because even as I type this, the next innovation is coming down the line. If you want to continue to deprive them of the manner of communication that most of their peers are using, then yes, take them out of public school and homeschool them. A lot of home schooling parents are a lot stricter about the use of technology.

And I have not always been this sanguine about computers/phones/video games etc. I was quite tech-averse for a long time. But you know, you either roll with the world and make the best of it, learn to ride the avalanche, or you get buried by it. I’m gonna surf the avalanche! See you at the bottom.

 

[Catholic90]

I agree with TRJ.

Something you should consider is the whole phone/safety issue. Back in the day, pay phones were found pretty much everywhere. I have not seen a public payphone in years! So if your daughter is staying after school for something and needs to reach you, or goes somewhere with friends and needs to reach you, just how is she going to do that?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree with TRJ.

Something you should consider is the whole phone/safety issue. Back in the day, pay phones were found pretty much everywhere. I have not seen a public payphone in years! So if your daughter is staying after school for something and needs to reach you, or goes somewhere with friends and needs to reach you, just how is she going to do that?

She’s gonna borrow one of her friends’ phones and send a misspelled TEXT! LOL

 

[SummerSmiles]

But childhood is precious and seeing an “inside joke” on FB is not the same as belly laughing on the floor with your friends. And like I said, my kids are in no way missing out on technology - we have several computerized devices that they use daily. Facebook may be a place to socialize, but it is also a place to be secretive and say things and hear things you shouldn’t as a child. Even if I have my kids’ passwords they could still delete posts before I see them, and it doesn’t prevent them from seeing some trashy posts on one of their “friends” walls.

And it’s not all about what is said to who between friends. It’s also about the family values I am trying to raise my kids with, and to be productive, loving people in the eyes of God. You can’t focus on those things if the most important thing in your life is waiting for the next text message.

I understand the difficulty you’re having with trying to keep the technology from “ruling” your kids’ lives. But you must also think practically about what you are really taking from your kids. My kids are still quite young–my oldest is 5–but I’m still very aware that this is something I’m going to have to tackle head on once my kids get there.

Texting and Facebook are the way that tweens and teens communicate nowadays. (I agree in no Facebook until they are at least old enough to get a legitimate account without lying about age.) Back when I was in school, we couldn’t read the trash on our friends’ walls–we heard it in the hallways of the school. I went to a pretty conservative Catholic school until high school, so even those are not immune to things like that. At least when you can see exactly what was said, you have a chance to turn it into a teaching moment with your kids. Explain why it’s not a good idea to put such-and-such a photo up, or use bad language, or whatever you find. Part of living in the world is learning how to filter out certain things–start teaching this to your kids NOW. And think about missing an “inside joke” on facebook. To you, it’s just missing out on some techy thing. But those are the things that kids laugh about at school now, and your kids will be left out of that. They won’t be able to have a good laugh and really be connected to their friends in the same way. If you really want your kids to be able to build friendships with people their age, it would probably be wise to allow a little bit of the social technology in.

I got my first cell phone when I was in high school and started driving. (This was about 10 years ago for me, just FYI.) At that point I needed to be able to call my parents sometimes, and like someone else pointed out, there are very few pay phones around today. My parents were comforted knowing that they could always call me and I always had to answer that darn phone and tell them where I was. Honestly, I was sometimes annoyed that I “had” to take the phone with me, because it meant that I had no excuses for not communicating with my parents when I was out doing extracurriculars. And I remember days that I forgot my phone–it was a PAIN to find another way to call my parents and let them know where I was. With four kids I’m sure that they are rushing around in all different directions at times. The 12 year old might benefit from having some way to get a hold of you just in case–especially if she’s doing after school activities and you aren’t there with her all the time. Again, use it as a teaching moment. You can limit and monitor how much she uses the phone, how many texts she’s allowed to send, etc.

Personally, I think that by completely saying “no” to all the social networking type stuff, you are really making it more difficult for your kids to maintain friendships with their peers. The other kids aren’t going to think, “alright, let’s go to the playground so everyone can be a part of it!” They’re just going to leave your kids behind and keep up their friendships with the other friends who are a part of the things they are doing everyday. Just my thoughts.