Am I a bad mom?

[Catholic90]

Personally, I think that by completely saying “no” to all the social networking type stuff, you are really making it more difficult for your kids to maintain friendships with their peers. The other kids aren’t going to think, “alright, let’s go to the playground so everyone can be a part of it!” ** They’re just going to leave your kids behind and keep up their friendships with the other friends who are a part of the things they are doing everyday.** Just my thoughts.

I agree with this.

You should be the one to teach them how to handle this stuff like Facebook, because like it or not, there WILL be a day when they WILL be exposed, whether it is at a friend’s house, or once they go to college (or even high school, depending if their high school provides laptops, like my kids high school does). Once they are at college, they are out of your control, and you will have NO SAY in their social networking (or whatever new technology is out by then). Isn’t it better to sit down with them NOW and teach them what is appropriate and what is not?

 

[Viki63]

Dear Mom,
I think you are doing splendidly at this point. In fact I am jealous of your successes. My youngest is 15, I work until 8 PM so we rarely eat together. I am still working on instilling some values in her, this week it’s remembering to say “goodnight” to the family before you go to bed.
It sounds like you are raising some lovely children who will know how to have good relations with others, and will not go out with friends and text during the meal. Face to face is how humans are meant to interact.
Your children do not need cell phones yet. You will need to make that decision in the next couple of years, but not when the oldest is 12. The best reason to have a cell phone is so your child can contact you when she’s out without you. I’m betting your children do not go out alone or just with friends. If they are spending the night at a friend’s, the parents will have a phone. And it’s illegal to have a Facebook account if you’re under 13. What kind of teacher would make that a requirement?
Stand your ground and keep doing what you’re doing. Your children will learn how to use tech soon enough, when they need to. Meanwhile, they are learning how to be good human beings.

 

[Catholic90]

I clearly stated my High Schooler has assignments and study groups/walls on Facebook. High schoolers are generally over 13.

 

[Debora123]

First, your 12 year old needs to start to be given more freedom. Along with that, comes more responsibility. Feed it to her a little bit at a time, see how she does, and adjust as necessary. Start now, or face out and out rebellion as she gets older and her friends have more and more freedom and she has…none. You talk, talk, talk to her about all the choices she is going to have to make, and you allow her to make mistakes NOW while the consequences are not so dire as they will be later on. I know it’s hard to see them grow up, but you are now on the fast track to your daughter’s departure for college in just 5 or 6 years! Start teaching her to make good decisions and how to recover from mistakes now! you have no time to waste. Let her try some things while she is still under your roof. You can discuss as you go along, what is working, what is not, etc. It is harder to do this, but you need to move into a coach mode with her. Your husband needs to be on the same page too. So you need to soften your stance toward methods of communication. I would get her a phone, and I would consider letting her make a FB page, with a lot of controls on it.

I take it all your kids are in public school? Just know that they are going to be the freaks in their classes…It is the coin of the realm to at least have a cell phone and be able to send/receive texts. Actually the voice part of the phone is useless any more, and your demanding that your kids call their friends is akin to making them call in person with calling cards in hand (like in the Victorian era). They may not be fighting you right now, but you can be sure they are feeling left out…(at least the 12 year old).

This thing you have about texting “lingo.” You’re gonna have to let that one go. I’m an English major and chat room text used to drive me NUTS. now i cn write in lwr case just lik ne1 else. I mean, you have SO MANY battles ahead of you if you are going to freak out because kids don’t spell while texting. It’s actually adaptive of the little dears - it takes too darn long to spell everything out!!

Controlling every aspect of the way kids communicate with their friends is gonna drive you KOO KOO because even as I type this, the next innovation is coming down the line. If you want to continue to deprive them of the manner of communication that most of their peers are using, then yes, take them out of public school and homeschool them. A lot of home schooling parents are a lot stricter about the use of technology.

And I have not always been this sanguine about computers/phones/video games etc. I was quite tech-averse for a long time. But you know, you either roll with the world and make the best of it, learn to ride the avalanche, or you get buried by it. I’m gonna surf the avalanche! See you at the bottom.

 

[RubyT]

Facebook is the only way I actually know what is going on with my nieces and nephews. I think if you are also a friend it is okay because you can see what your kids are saying and also all the other kids too. You can see the trends and the “bad kids influences”. It is a great way to be in the know without making them feel like you are infringing on their privacy. I would suggest you sign up for facebook and contact some old classmates of yours. Get to know the site without the kids for awhile it can be very rewarding. I have found people I wondered about for years and patched up old issues with people. You can actually find out what ever happened to so and so. It is actually a way to learn more about what is going on in their (the kids) lives than the "old fashion method of personal observation.

Figure out the site before deciding if the kids should be on it. Make sure you make your page only accessible to friends so the whole world isn’t looking (this is important). Once you are familiar with the site you will probably feel more comfortable allowing the kids to join. If they don’t learn technology they will be behind in their education, I know its weird but thats what the world (employers, colleges) expect now, technologically savvy kids. If you allow facebook you can hold off on the cell phone at least for a bit

Your daughter feels like she won’t be popular and have friends if she isn’t getting with the program. Remember how devastating that was…hence the bursting into tears.

Times have changed and this is the current way to communicate. I don’t get it either that typing out letters is better than talking to someone on the phone but I heed to the times just to be part of their lives on a daily basis. You do not want rebellion and resentment that leads to worse behaviour. I sent them all (my family) gifts and all I got was a thanks on facebook (even from the adults) somehow that just didn’t make me feel too appreciated but that’s the way it is now. It is difficult to adapt but adapt we must!

You are fighting the good fight and someday they will thank you for all your caring and love. God bless you.

 

[TheWatcher]

(My 12-year old) is growing up WAY too fast. At her age I was still playing with dolls!

You played with dolls in 7th/8th grade? Was that normal behavior for your demographics? (age-group and location)

My eight year old niece is starting to explore with arts and taking up hobbies that she’ll probably carry with her for years, like drawing. Another eight year old in my family is starting to set aside her dolls as well for science hobbies and gardening. I don’t think dolls are all that popular with 12 year olds today. She is a half year (to one and a half years) away from leaving junior high and starting highschool.

I’m also curious if you talk in this same manner with your children. If they were to read this, do you think they would feel upset or hurt? You called your daughter pathetic for being upset at a technological limit. I understand how you feel that her actions were unbecoming of someone her age and the problem seems so unimportant but thats a pretty strong put down for a 12 year old, even if you wouldn’t dream of using it as a put down. It could lead to resentment.

I would caution you to think carefully before deciding to homeschool, to figure out the reasons its appealing to you. Make sure your reason isn’t because you’re not ready for your children, espeically your daughter, to grow up. In the next year or two, she will need to start thinking about colleges and use her highschool years to figure out exactly what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

TheRealJuliane:

First, your 12 year old needs to start to be given more freedom. Along with that, comes more responsibility. Feed it to her a little bit at a time, see how she does, and adjust as necessary. Start now, or face out and out rebellion as she gets older and her friends have more and more freedom and she has…none. You talk, talk, talk to her about all the choices she is going to have to make, and you allow her to make mistakes NOW while the consequences are not so dire as they will be later on. I know it’s hard to see them grow up, but you are now on the fast track to your daughter’s departure for college in just 5 or 6 years! Start teaching her to make good decisions and how to recover from mistakes now! you have no time to waste. Let her try some things while she is still under your roof. You can discuss as you go along, what is working, what is not, etc. It is harder to do this, but you need to move into a coach mode with her. Your husband needs to be on the same page too. So you need to soften your stance toward methods of communication. I would get her a phone, and I would consider letting her make a FB page, with a lot of controls on it.

I agree with this, very much so. It’s better she makes the mistakes now with you there to help guide her. You want her to be comfortable coming to you in the future with problems - if she expects you to just shut her down, she won’t.

momfromwi:

Since I am on Catholic Answers, I am really looking for advice from Catholic parents. Thanks again, though, for your response.

I noticed you were a new member. Welcome!
There are non-Catholics on the forum, so short of them banning all of us, you’ll (unfortunately?) see us around. Most of us try to be nice and stick to Catholic-appropriate answers, however. It might even be a rule for the forum- no giving anti-Catholic advice. Anyway- some of us have children, some of us were raised Catholics, and a lot of us have similar morals to Catholics. We’re not so bad as a bunch and I hope you’ll come to see that over time. Most of us don’t participate in the forums to lead anyone astray.

 

[TheWatcher]

Times have changed and this is the current way to communicate. I don’t get it either that typing out letters is better than talking to someone on the phone but I heed to the times just to be part of their lives on a daily basis.

I think it might be because it allows more time. You can really think about what the other person wrote and how you want to respond. It also doesn’t require a response; you have the option of not writing back immediately and not being rude.

Not to mention, it allows people to multi-task easier and allows multiple conversations at once. You don’t have to divert your attention away from your task to pay attention to the other person because the message will be there whenever you’re ready. Phones get awkward silences. No more, “I’m sorry, I was stirring my onions and didn’t catch your question.”

 

[Kit15]

I think you’re a generation behind. You can’t hold the world back. Only your kids. This was a budding concern when I was a teen. Now looking at my youngest sister it’s just the way things are. But the time my baby is a teen what you are talking about will probably among the LAST of worries on a Catholic parent’s mind. Instead of saying no to cell phones and facebook, you probably should be guiding her through those things so she won’t do anything in the digital world that will haunt her for the rest of her life.

We are to be in the world but not of it. Welcome to the world of technology.

 

[SeaShoreGirl]

You are not a bad mom for having restrictions.

It IS very cruel to be disgusted over a hormonal 12yo’s tears at not getting her way. I tutor an 11yo and she’s at the stage where she cries because her mom forgot she dosn’t like veggie chicken patties. Preteens are hormonal, touchy creatures and the last thing they need is a parent being repulsed by their feelings.

About the book…in 5 years your daughter will be looking into colleges. It is better to have frank discussions with teens than forbid when it comes to actual material read.

IMO you need to scale back on the electronics. Have a blackout month. Yes. Month. Encourage her friends rents to follow suit and forve them to have face to face time if thet

 

[momfromwi]

Thank you for all your responses. It is interesting to read all the differences in opinion - I think it all depends on your upbringing, age and whether you have your own kids or not, on what you think is appropriate for tweens/teens these days.

I feel like I’m kind of in the middle - I am starting to let my 12 year old have more freedom, and as I said, she does get plenty of time to spend in the digital world. I am just not ready for Facebook and all the texting; I want her to engage herself in other fun and productive activities If and when I do allow her to go on FB, it will be when she is at the legitimate age to do so, which is 13. I don’t like how other girls her age and younger have accounts and already talk about inappropriate things on their wall (like getting drunk - at 12??). I do let her do email, talk on the phone, and do the face time and texting on her iPod touch. Sometimes I wonder if it would have just been better to not allow any of these things at all - perhaps giving them a taste of this stuff makes them want more. I just want to be “present” in their life, and talking to people without making a sound, or secretly texting to friends all day, doesn’t make me feel like I am there with my kids.

In middle school next year, they get their own laptops and also use iPad’s for school instruction, which I think is great. Also, we do have an extra cell phone for the kids to use when they are at a friend’s house or school activity, so they can get a hold of us if needed. There are no pay phones anymore, so this extra phone is definitely a necessity sometimes.

Also, I do not tell my 12 year old that she is annoying and pathetic - of course not! However, I do have these thoughts when she keeps asking for a cell phone day in and day out, just begging me, even when we tell her a cell phone will probably not be necessary until she is in high school. If anyone has a child this age who just won’t let up, you must know how I feel! And it is just bad behavior on her part to keep asking us for things even when we say no, and especially when she has so much to be thankful for - a family who loves her, a beautiful home, a stay home parent, a wonderful school with so many opportunities and activities, nice friends, and she gets pretty much anything she asks for, within reason. I’m sorry, but being a brat is just not tolerated in our home!

Someone made a comment about the book she was reading. Believe me, any reasonable parents would have been surprised and upset to learn their daughter was reading this book. It is called TTFN (ta ta for now), by an author named Lauren Myracle. It is a book written about three high school friends who text each other all the time - the book is written as a big texting conversation. On nearly every page there are references to sex, drugs, profanity and an anti-Christian attitude. For example, it talks about pot, cocaine, teachers getting a “stiffy” when they see a girl’s breasts, masturbation, bl** jobs, going up a girl’s shirt in a church basement …and more! This book is supposed to be for 12-16 year old girls. It is simply is not a quality book for anyone at any age. It was on a parent’s worst book list in 2010 and our public school do not have this book series in the library. I was upset by how she hid the book from us in her backpack. She obviously knew we wouldn’t approve of it. When I asked her about it she said a friend borrowed it to her and my daughter was very upset and embarrassed. It forced me to have to talk to her about some things I wasn’t planning on discussing with her for a least a* little *while longer Parents really need to be on the lookout these days, there is a lot of inappropriate media. As you can see I am very involved with what my kids are up to, and even I almost didn’t find out about that book she was reading.

Again, thanks for all your (name removed by moderator)ut. Your suggestions are helpful and it is nice to know their are some other parents who feel the same way I do! I’m just a mom who loves her kids and I’m trying to do the right things now in order to avoid troublesome situations in the future. I also want them to enjoy being a “kid” for as long as they can, and to enjoy some of the simple things in life.

Thanks

 

[TheRealJuliane]

One more thought that I’m not sure anyone mentioned…

If you lock your kids down so tightly they can’t breathe, they will probably find a way to sneak the things you don’t want them to have. So your daughter may make her own FB page at a friend’s house, and not tell you about it. When you put something that seems completely NORMAL and HARMLESS well out of a teenager’s reach, that is is the thing they are going to want more than anything.

You sound like a very caring mom. If it works for your family, hang in there, but do consider giving your children some more freedom with texting as they grow up. It’s not the tool of Satan, just another thing that kids can use either for good or not-so-good.

 

[garn9173]

As a 38 year old Dad, I prefer texting rather than talking on the phone as i’m just not very talkative and i’ve always been that way. I hate talking on the phone, it’s much easier for me to communicate via FB, e-mail or texting.

To OP, I think you are going to set yourself up by having a very rebilous (sp?) teenager in a few years if you don’t start easing up on some of the restrictions now.

As a college football junkie, I think the NCAA is living in the dark ages with all of the recruiting restrictions placed on coaches when it comes to Facebooking, texting, and e-mailing recruits. It’s how kids communicate these days and I personally think the NCAA is living in the dark ages with all of the new media restrictions when it comes to contacting recruits.

Edit: Something for the OP to consider, by both you and your child having GPS enabled smart phone, you can keep track of were your child is at all times with Google Latitude…something to consider. Not to mention, with Google Latitude on a laptop or tower PC, you can review all of the places your child have visited.

 

[SummerSmiles]

I feel like I’m kind of in the middle - I am starting to let my 12 year old have more freedom, and as I said, she does get plenty of time to spend in the digital world. I am just not ready for Facebook and all the texting; I want her to engage herself in other fun and productive activities If and when I do allow her to go on FB, it will be when she is at the legitimate age to do so, which is 13. I** don’t like how other girls her age and younger have accounts and already talk about inappropriate things on their wall (like getting drunk - at 12??).** I do let her do email, talk on the phone, and do the face time and texting on her iPod touch. Sometimes I wonder if it would have just been better to not allow any of these things at all - perhaps giving them a taste of this stuff makes them want more. I just want to be “present” in their life, and talking to people without making a sound, or secretly texting to friends all day, doesn’t make me feel like I am there with my kids.

Just another thought I had while reading this, especially the bolded part. If your daughters’ friends are willing to post on their facebook walls that they are getting drunk, they are definitely talking about it when they get together at school and other activities. In this case, facebook is not the problem, the friends’ behavior is. I’m sure you’re already talking to your 12 year old about this, about why it’s not a good idea to get drunk, etc. It’s something to be aware of. As a parent, this is exactly the reason that I would want access to my kids’ facebook pages. I can see exactly what types of issues their friends are discussing that need attention from me. It takes some of the legwork out of it for you as well. Instead of having to ask and pry for your child to explain all the things their friends are saying, you can see it “straight from the horse’s mouth.”

 

[SummerSmiles]

One more thought that I’m not sure anyone mentioned…

If you lock your kids down so tightly they can’t breathe, they will probably find a way to sneak the things you don’t want them to have. So your daughter may make her own FB page at a friend’s house, and not tell you about it. When you put something that seems completely NORMAL and HARMLESS well out of a teenager’s reach, that is is the thing they are going to want more than anything.

You sound like a very caring mom. If it works for your family, hang in there, but do consider giving your children some more freedom with texting as they grow up. It’s not the tool of Satan, just another thing that kids can use either for good or not-so-good.

This is spot-on advice. I’ve seen it happen to a few of my friends, and it happened to me as well. With me, it wasn’t due to all-out rebellion, though. I was curious and naive, and I had no idea how to really stand up for myself and function in the real world.

 

[momfromwi]

One more thought that I’m not sure anyone mentioned…

If you lock you kids down so tightly they can’t breathe, they will probably find a way to sneak the things you don’t want them to have. So your daughter may make her on FB page at a friend’s house, and not tell you about it. When you put something that seems completely NORMAL and HARMLESS well out of a teenager’s reach, that is is the thing they are going to want more than anything.

You sound like a very caring mom. If it works for your family, hang in there, but do consider giving your children some more freedom with texting as they grow up. It’s not the tool of Satan, just another thing that kids can use either for good or not-so-good.

As I have stated, I do let her have plenty of things, she is not locked down and she even participates in some texting. But life is about more than just digital communication. Sadly, most kids are being brought up to think that texting all day is well and good. I highly doubt my daughter is missing out on anything; in fact, I’ll bet she has more family time and hobbies than most kids her age because of the limits I set. Why have kids if you’re going to plop them in front of a screen from the time they leave the womb? Where is the creativity? The physical activity? I am not a lazy parent who is just going to allow a norm in society to dictate how my kids are raised.

As far as my daughter setting up a fb account at a friend’s house, it’s won’t happen. She is rarely at a friend’s house (they all text!) and what would be the use of her having a fb account when she can’t use it at home? Her internet usage at home is monitored (as it is with all my kids) on a computer that is in our kitchen, and I would know if she was on fb. With that way of thinking, I might as well not let her go anywhere, with the fear she might do something behind my back. I don’t think unlimited texting is going to fix that-in fact, it may actually make her more secretive at planning something without me knowing if she doesn’t have to say it out loud. And all (or at least most) teens try to get away with stuff and lie to their parents, no matter how good of a parent you are. I am just hoping she takes some of the values we are teaching her, and uses them to make good choices in her life.

She is only 12 years old and I have a responsibility to protect her and know what she is up to, just as I have a responsibility to respect her privacy when she needs it. I am trying to give her a balance.

 

[Catholic90]

As a 38 year old Dad, I prefer texting rather than talking on the phone as i’m just not very talkative and i’ve always been that way. I hate talking on the phone, it’s much easier for me to communicate via FB, e-mail or texting.

To OP, I think you are going to set yourself up by having a very rebilous (sp?) teenager in a few years if you don’t start easing up on some of the restrictions now.

A

As a 40-something mom, I far prefer email and texting too. It is the way of the world. It’s not going away, so …

 

[kiqueen]

Hey. I’m not a mom, but I do have a thing or two to say. I definitely don’t think they should have facebook if they have to lie about their age to get on there. I would make them wait at least long enough that they are being honest.

As far as having a cell phone, I didn’t get a cell phone until I was a junior in high school and started driving. At that point, I had the phone so that I could call my mom if I was going to be out late or if something happened and I needed help. Also, it allowed her to communicate with me. I didn’t get texting until I was a senior, and even then I hardly used it. Now, I am 21 and I have my phone and I have texting on my phone. There are some advantages to texting and to having my own phone, especially since most of my friends don’t live nearby, but I still prefer to see people face to face if at all possible. I also have a facebook, and I love it because I get to see pictures of people who I don’t normally get to see, and I can keep up with what they’re doing. Also, I find it a great place to drop a line about the things I feel strongly about, and I view it as a great way to do some spreading of the word of God.

I definitely think that 12 is a bit young for facebook and texting. I agree with you there. I would explain to your daughter why she doesn’t have her own cell phone and why she doesn’t have texting and why she can’t have a facebook. That may do a great world of good. I definitely agree, however, that even though technology is taking over the world, it shouldn’t be taking over our families, and nothing can really take the place of seeing someone face to face.

 

[momfromwi]

Edit: Something for the OP to consider, by both you and your child having GPS enabled smart phone, you can keep track of were your child is at all times with Google Latitude…something to consider. Not to mention, with Google Latitude on a laptop or tower PC, you can review all of the places your child have visited.

Yeah, but then she could just leave the phone at a friend’s house so I would think she is there, when she really is somewhere else. And her friend could text me and pretend it was her. GPS is nice but it doesn’t solve everything…could also be used as a tool for sneaking around. Just sayin’!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

As I have stated, I do let her have plenty of things, she is not locked down and she even participates in some texting. But life is about more than just digital communication. Sadly, most kids are being brought up to think that texting all day is well and good. I highly doubt my daughter is missing out on anything; in fact, I’ll bet she has more family time and hobbies than most kids her age because of the limits I set. Why have kids if you’re going to plop them in front of a screen from the time they leave the womb? Where is the creativity? The physical activity? I am not a lazy parent who is just going to allow a norm in society to dictate how my kids are raised.

As far as my daughter setting up a fb account at a friend’s house, it’s won’t happen. She is rarely at a friend’s house (they all text!) and what would be the use of her having a fb account when she can’t use it at home? Her internet usage at home is monitored (as it is with all my kids) on a computer that is in our kitchen, and I would know if she was on fb. With that way of thinking, I might as well not let her go anywhere, with the fear she might do something behind my back. I don’t think unlimited texting is going to fix that-in fact, it may actually make her more secretive at planning something without me knowing if she doesn’t have to say it out loud. And all (or at least most) teens try to get away with stuff and lie to their parents, no matter how good of a parent you are. I am just hoping she takes some of the values we are teaching her, and uses them to make good choices in her life.

She is only 12 years old and I have a responsibility to protect her and know what she is up to, just as I have a responsibility to respect her privacy when she needs it. I am trying to give her a balance.

She doesn’t go to friends houses very often? That seems unusual. I have a 12 year old niece and she can’t get enough of her friends. You say she has a lot of family and hobbies, and that’s great. But it won’t help her learn to socialize with her peers in today’s world, and it won’t keep her from feeling isolated, especially since you are considering homeschooling because you don’t like the way kids socialize.

Regardless, you asked for advice, and you got a lot of it. In response you got defensive. It seems like you were looking for justification and a pat on the back instead of advice.

 

[garn9173]

As I have stated, I do let her have plenty of things, she is not locked down and she even participates in some texting. But life is about more than just digital communication. Sadly, most kids are being brought up to think that texting all day is well and good. I highly doubt my daughter is missing out on anything; in fact, I’ll bet she has more family time and hobbies than most kids her age because of the limits I set. Why have kids if you’re going to plop them in front of a screen from the time they leave the womb? Where is the creativity? The physical activity? I am not a lazy parent who is just going to allow a norm in society to dictate how my kids are raised.

As far as my daughter setting up a fb account at a friend’s house, it’s won’t happen. She is rarely at a friend’s house (they all text!) and what would be the use of her having a fb account when she can’t use it at home? Her internet usage at home is monitored (as it is with all my kids) on a computer that is in our kitchen, and I would know if she was on fb. With that way of thinking, I might as well not let her go anywhere, with the fear she might do something behind my back. I don’t think unlimited texting is going to fix that-in fact, it may actually make her more secretive at planning something without me knowing if she doesn’t have to say it out loud. And all (or at least most) teens try to get away with stuff and lie to their parents, no matter how good of a parent you are. I am just hoping she takes some of the values we are teaching her, and uses them to make good choices in her life.

She is only 12 years old and I have a responsibility to protect her and know what she is up to, just as I have a responsibility to respect her privacy when she needs it. I am trying to give her a balance.

You are a good Mom and from you posts, your Daughter knows right from wrong, but at some point you are going to have to let her put your upbringing to work. Keep in mind that The Vatican has embraced modern technology with The Holy Father being on Twitter, and there are several Priest’s in my Diocese who are on Facebook and the Youth Ministry in Parish has a Facebook page along with the Diocese of Des Moines having a Facebook page. The key is monitoring your child’s access and knowing all of their user names and passwords, which even for me can be a challenge at times for me to keep my user names and passwords straight .