Am I a bad person, or a bad daughter?

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krbto39

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Hi there,

My sister has cut my parents out of her life- maybe temporarily, maybe forever. I don’t know and neither does she. This happened last November.

I told my parents today that I will continue to have a relationship with my sister and they said that doing this is morally wrong, that I have to make a choice between my family members, and that I have to say I refuse to see her until she reconciles with them, and until then that will not happen.

I am getting married next year and they don’t want her to be my maid of honour.

I am 25.

Some other family members have contributed to a complicated web of pain around all of this for my parents. I know theyre incredibly hurt by all of this, and I sympathize. I have been talking to my sister and telling her to please reach out to them when she feels ready.

But, I don’t want to cut my sister out of my life- temporarily or otherwise. I love her and my parents have fostered a best friendship in us that suddenly they want to reverse. They compared me to watching a rape happen and walking by, or having tea with hitler. verbatim. I told them I am a good daigher and my mom said “good daughters do good things”. my dad called me a fairweather friend, and that I am endorsing spiteful behaviour.
…am I?

I am questioning if this really does make me a bad or sinful person.
They told me theyre extremely disappointed in me and that I am just as bad if not worse than anyone else that has hurt them.

Am I? What would you do?
 
You’re neither a bad person nor a bad daughter. It’s incredibly unfortunate that you’re stuck in the middle of this. I don’t know what transpired between you sister and parents, but it seems unfair and wrong for them to try and make you choose.
 
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If you weren’t a part of whatever happened between your parents and your sister, then not only can you remain neutral - you should remain neutral (in most instances).

Your parents have no business forcing you to choose. That’s petty, selfish, and mean. Have your sister for your maid of honor, if that’s what you want. If they choose to put their anger towards her above their desire to take part in your special day, I’m sorry because I know it’s awful, but that’s on them, not you.

Anger is such a crippling thing. They need your prayers right now. And if this leads them to hurt you, I hope you will always love and pray for them, anyhow. I’m so sorry you’re being put through this!

Btw, congratulations on your engagement! May you have a long and happy marriage, and God bless you and your fiance 🙂
 
WRT with your wedding party, the only way your parents get to make decisions is if they are footing the bill.
 
You are not a bad person. You are not a bad daughter. Your parents are understandably hurt by the actions of your sister, but that does not give them the right to tell you who your maid of honor should be, nor that you can’t have a relationship with your own sister. And they certainly went over the top with the rape and hitler comments.

Perhaps by maintaining the relationship with your sister, you can someday aid in a reconciliation between her and your parents. Until then, you’re going to have to put your foot down, and be prepared for them to react badly. Pray for them.
 
However, if they are paying and the bride to be makes decisions they do not like, BTB should be prepared for them to stop paying for things.
 
I’m so sorry they’ve reacted this way. You are doing nothing wrong by continuing your relationship with your sister, and your parents have no right to pressure you to cut her out. Keep your relationship with her as it is and if your parents don’t stop bullying you and trying to manipulate you, it’s them you need to step back from, not your sister.
 
Well, those comments to you certainly hint at the types of behavior that may have led your sister to cut contact in the first place. Hitler? Really?

They are wrong, it is not “immoral” to maintain a relationship with both your parents and your sister.

They are wrong to try to force you to choose a side, to cut your sister off, or to make demands regarding your wedding.
 
You are not a bad person not a bad daughter. Your parents are being childish and manipulative. Maintain your balance. If they choose not to attend your wedding or not pay towards it (if they were going to do so) then that’s their choice.
 
Wow. That’s incredibly manipulative and messed up. I can imagine why your sister has cut ties with them. Ignoring their attempts to use you to hurt your sister is not only not immoral, but is the best choice you could make, albeit a hard one that takes a lot of courage. I’m sorry this is all happening around your wedding time. However, when dealing with people who are that manipulative, you and a future husband should probably work together on setting and upholding appropriate boundaries.
 
First of al it all depends on why your sister has cut them out.

If your sister is cutting your parents out of her life because your sister is the unreasonable one, yes, I can see your parents point. Why would they want to attend any function your sister is at.

Now, on the other hand, if your sister was in an unhealthy relationship with them and she needs distant from you parents for self preservation, keep a relationship with her.

But… if your sister was in such an unhealthy relationships, is it really kind to expect her to be a bridesmaid at a wedding where her ‘abusers’ are going to be there?
 
I don’t like delving into the whole “perception is reality” business, but completely aside from the objective reality of the whether the sister’s decision is justified, I assure you the parents are going to believe that the sister is the unreasonable one. Weddings are going to be hard when this sort of nonsense is going on. The best thing to do is to invite both parties and let them decide if they are going to attend and act reasonably. It may be that one party does decide that the drama is too great for them to attend, and that’s really sad for the OP. But it may be that due to their love for the OP, both parties decide to attend and just make the choice not to pick on the other one. At least that’s what we can hope for. The wedding is about the couple, not the parent’s feelings, or the sister’s feelings.
 
No, you are not a bad person for having a relationship with your own sister.

Comparing their own daughter to Hitler or a rapist is ridiculous. Your parents are being manipulative and immature. You are 25, and get to choose whoever you want to be your maid of honor. I think continuing to engage with your parents about the situation will do more harm- just tell them you don’t want to discuss it anymore, that you will not be taking sides, and leave or hang up the phone if they don’t respect that.
 
The impression I am getting from the OP is the parents have told her she needs to choose between then and her sister. It seems like if she associates with her sister, her parents will take that as choosing the sister and cutting the OP out of their life. Sadly, I think if she doesn’t choose, her parents will do it for her
 
That’s what they are telling me. I don’t think they want to lose me, but they are convinced up and down that I am morally corrupt for choosing NOT to choose.

Do I agree with my sisters idea to cut them off? Of course not. I have gently tried to get her to accept the idea of opening up contact again in tjthe future and she is open to it. Just not yet. But- if I disagree or If I wouldn’t do it myself- that’s not enough I suppose. Most of my family has taken sisters side and my parents are heartbroken. I think they thought I was all they had left. And they have me!!! But why does having me mean I have to exile myself from my family?

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Your parents sound extremely childish. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were responsible for the animosity between your sister and them. And no, you are not a bad daughter. Remain neutral and be a peacemaker. Your family needs one.
 
You are what you are. At twenty five, you are no more under your parents control. You make your own decision.

Look like a conflict between your sister and your parents. Even if she was in the wrong, as a sister you would look at her with the eyes of compassion and that your love for her is still the same, regardless of what she did.

You can be an ambassador of peace, trying to reconcile what was broken. Sometimes our heads rule over our hearts but you being on the outside of the conflict should be the one still sane enough to bring them back together. At least as an objective for you if you cannot make it happen in the near future.

If you have full control over your marriage arrangement, it would be wise for you to include her. Not that you are taking side in the conflict but that she is your sister.

May God bless you.
 
Isn’t this the third thread you’ve started on this topic?
 
So you have to choose between your sister as your maid of honor or your dad walking down the isle?

Did your sister steal $50,000 from them. Did either of your parents abuse your sister? Barring either of these situations, they can just get over themselves. It is your marriage and they can choose to set their egos down for a day for you or they can stay home. Get an uncle/grandpa/family friend man to walk you down the isle if you have to.
 
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