Am I a bad person, or a bad daughter?

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As you can probably tell I am still struggling with a very upsetting issue. So yes. Thank you.
 
They both acted wrongly toward one another. My sister has never asked me to band against my parents, ever. My parents are making my life a living hell by asking me to step in the middle and take sides or else I am not a loving person, just a fake person who tells lies and says empty I love yous.

We can’t even have a conversation on the phone without my mother talking about how miserable and small her life is, and how her existence isn’t as “exciting as mine” and asking “did you think about what your father and I are asking?” and just sitting in silence. I am breaking, honestly.
 
OP, You are NOT ‘bad’ for not taking part in a family dispute. You love your parents, and you love your sister. The fact that this is your third or fourth post here on the subject, proves that you are concerned about the situation, and care for both sides.

You are already doing more than many others would do…trying to get your sister to reconcile, and, after being called a ‘Hitler’ and a ‘rapist’ speaking to your parents at all,proves , you want the best for both sides. The fact that that this is all happening near your wedding day must make it especially trying.

Please, try and plan a wedding that you can remember with joy, for many years. If your parents won’t pay as much as they would, if your sister were left out, will only leave a bitter taste, that will be remembered for many years. So, plan a wedding you can afford.

There is always a chance that your parents and sister may reconcile before the wedding. That would be truly glorious. But, either way, don’t let anyone ruin your joy! You did nothing to cause this situation, and, the best thing for you to do is stay out of it, as much as possible!

You are not ‘bad’. I think, despite attempts to convince you otherwise, everyone, deep down inside, knows his. So, just avoid as much drama as possible. And, congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
 
You are both a good person and a good daughter :cowboy_hat_face:

I’m really sorry for your situation and also that your parents are putting you in the middle.
You are doing the right thing by maintaining a relationship with both your sister and your parents.
I know you love your parents but at the same time be aware that what they are asking/expecting is wrong and actually quite unbelievable.
Giving in to their expectation would not only hurt your sister but also reinforce to your parents that it’s ok to act this way.
You’re actually helping your parents grow by not agreeing with their request.
Reassure your parents that you love them and understand and sympathise that they are hurt and that is all you can really do.

Are you able/willing to state what your parents are fighting about with your sister?
It seems like it must be something quite serious for them to make such extreme references like Hitler etc?😯

Edit:I just read your other post.
It’s probably a good idea if your sister seeks advice outside of the family instead of from Aunty as this will probably just inflame the situation.
Is your family American or which country are you from?
 
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She is seeking therapy and I think its helping her but yet she still goes to my Aunt- I think anyway. I don’t know how much they speak. We are Canadian.
 
I’m just so upset because I don’t think they’ll ever see that theyre wrong. They told me that I am the biggest disappointment in all of this, and my dad said he doesn’t respect me. My mom is sending me petty emails saying “this is a prayer for me” and its a prayer of overcoming disappointment- CLEARLY trying to convey the message that I am a disappointment to her. I’m SICK of this.

My masters thesis defense is in 6 weeks, and I am stressed to no end. I haven’t even been able to tell them that my fiancée and I are going on our first trip to Europe right after. Theyre going to be mad that I am not coming home between my defence and when I start my full time position. ugh
 
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Honey… Like @Dacinom said so well, you need to let go. Do NOT worry about who will be at your wedding! If your parents CHOOSE to not come, then that is THEIR choice.
I had to make a difficult decision for my wedding - my parents (at the time) were Episcopalian, and my Dad was an Episcopal priest. My husband and I were determined to have a Nuptial Mass; it was very important to us. Because of my Dad’s vocation, he and my mother would not be allowed to receive. My parents were VERY hurt by this, but because they weren’t Catholic, and my Dad was OBVIOUSLY by his clerics a priest, it was impossible for them to receive. But we stood our ground. I cried; they cried. But in the end I had to ask myself…who do I honor and love more: my parents or my Lord? In time, they forgave me and we have a wonderful relationship.
My point in all of this is to say that this is your and your fiance’s wedding and marriage. You MUST think of each other and God FIRST- above parents; above sister; above anyone else. Do not allow them to steal your joy!!! As long as you and your fiance’ are doing God’s will, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS.
 
Accept that this is who they are. You cannot change them. You cannot change your sister. You can change how you react to these situations.
 
I understand, but I’m wondering what you’re looking for–new insights? Constant reassurance that you’re not a bad person? If the latter, then I really think that this is something an internet audience can’t help you with very much. I’d urge you to talk to a trusted priest or counselor about your feelings and what are appropriate boundaries when dealing with your family.

Finally and most important, what does your fiance think of all this? How will your participation in the family drama affect your married life? What needs to happen in order for you and your husband to have a thriving marital relationship? Tensions will not go away after you marry–indeed, there is more potential for additional drama, particularly if and when you start having children–so this is something that you need to deal with now.
 
Well, I have done both. My priest told my father that I spoke to him. And it is now another thing fuelling their fire about my deceitfulness and how little respect they have for me.
 
Your parents don’t want you speaking to a priest? That’s ridiculous! You have to stop taking them so seriously, at this point. Think of your upcoming marriage and career. They will both be affected by this, but don’t let them be ruined!
 
There may come a point when you realise that, while still respecting the Commandment, you just don’t like the persons your parents have revealed themselves to be, and that you wouldn’t spend time with them except from that.
It’s a cold thought in some ways, but it frees and protects your soul.
At the moment it sounds like you know where you stand, but dread taking the next step. Remember Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
 
It’s not like I don’t want to just wash my hands of this problem, but they are not the types to EVER let this go. They will hold this against me for the rest of their lives, its not a one and done conversation.

They’ve painted me as a terrible, cold daughter who has to WORK to achieve their “forgiveness” and that the ball is in my court to “re-establish our bond”. I am seeing a therapist but the wait to get in and see her between visits is LONG and a lot happens that is causing my mental health to deteriorate.
 
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For an adult, ‘honoring’ your parents is, in the original biblical languages, largely a financial term. You ‘honor’ your parents by recognizing that they did raise you, and putting yourself in a position in which you can assist them in their old age, or if they become disabled and not able to work.

You ARE honoring them, in preparing for your master’s thesis, and in planning a marriage with a man who will be responsible, too (But, I hope you love each other, too)!

So, you are doing as the church commands, in placing yourself in a position in which you can help them in financially trying times-if and when they come up! Personally, I’d distance myself from them right now. If their behavior is encroaching, in any way, upon your thesis preparation, (it may sound like a loophole-but it is what is expected of you)-tell them you won’t take sides, and request that they stop with any emails written especially to ‘guilt’ you. If they ask why, tell them you want to be in a position to ‘honor’ them…when they truly need it…from you, as a responsible adult daughter.

Do not respond to such emails, if it’s obvious they are trying to get an emotional reaction. If they persist, try and get your fiance or a trusted friend, or even a ‘neutral’ relative (if one can be found) to pre-read the emails for you then, you can simply delete them, once you are assured that they contain no important information.

It sounds as if you have a very bright future, with marriage and career. But, as with most good things, they must be worked on, and nurtured. Whether they know it or not, they are dangerously close to sabotaging your future.

Please-don’t allow them to do this; you’re an adult, and in the middle of making plans to help you be a more joyful, productive, and responsible adult, Don’t let them ruin this for you. You have worked hard for the prosperous, happy, and generally bright future you are planning. Please-don’t let anyone ruin this for you.
 
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You haven’t given any details on the conflict so it’s really hard to comment.

Notice that your parents wan’t to reconcile. Tell them that they shouldn’t be using you as leverage to make it happen. I expect their heart is in the right place, so just suggest they use alternate methods.

Keep working on your sister to find a path to reconciliation…
 
Please don’t abandon your sister. You are close and that is a blessing. Your parents are very wrong for even suggesting that you shun your sister. Be brave and talk to your parents and tell them that you love both of them and that they have no right to ask you to cut off your relationship with your sister. Just flat out refuse and they will have to deal with it. You may actually be the neutral party that assists in bringing the family back together. Be careful not to bad mouth sister or parents to the opposite party. Refuse to do that!
Pray for reconciliation and talk to your priest or a counselor for advice.
Hopefully this will all calm down soon but it may linger for months or years. Do not be afraid if your parents threaten to disinherit your sister or you. Your parents may stoop that low to manipulate you. Don’t take the bait. Encourage both sister and parents to make amends as soon as possible-these arguments get worse with age. Your parents and sister need to see a good family counselor. Good luck and God bless!
 
Hello.

Don’t know what to tell you except that life can be long sometimes and fences can be mended.

You are in my prayers. Hope your marriage is long and prosperous. Please pray for me.
 
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