Am I angsting too much over my female friends 'dissing' me?

[bsf]

I am sorry if your “feelings” for one of these girls you mention is apparently not reciprocated. I am sorry for your loneliness and fear of continued loneliness. I am going to give you some Christian advice. Pray to Jesus. I do not care that you list yourself as an atheist or agnostic. You lose nothing by that conversation. Simply talk to Jesus as if He is actually there and ask Him for help. Ask Him to take your prayers to the Father. All these things that are distressing you; lay them out before Him. Prayer does not have to be articulate, verbose, or witty. It just needs to be honest. Simple is good.

Some have shared some very practical relationship advice and insight with you. I am hesitant to add to it because my own knowledge and skills are so poor.

 

[Estevao]

Every minute you waste agonizing over what some spiteful woman who practices a man’s activity thinks about you the better.

 

[Xantippe]

Estevao said:

“Every minute you waste agonizing over what some spiteful woman who practices a man’s activity thinks about you the better.”

!!!

These women’s only crime is not hugging the OP. Are we required to hug everybody we know, like it or not?

Also, there’s this thing called “self-defense.” It’s kind of important.

 

[Kamaduck]

Every minute you waste agonizing over what some spiteful woman who practices a man’s activity thinks about you the better.

Learning self-defense is even more important for women than for men, because women are more than likely at a disadvantage against an assailant. Sure, I suppose they could take men with them everywhere they go, but that’s rather inconvenient for everybody involved, wouldn’t you say?

And I’m not sure where the “spiteful” comes in- all she did was decide not to hug someone. Do you hug all of your friends on a regular basis?

Also not sure why it’s “better” that the OP agonize about this. Surely we would want him to grow stronger and more sure of himself as our brother in Christ?

 

[Estevao]

To my understanding, the woman hugged everybody else except OP. It’d be like if I was going around giving out candies, but I stopped at the last person and didn’t give him the candy and said “you’re too fat, so you’re not getting this”.

This woman is clearly spiteful, I wouldn’t waste my time on her.

As for self-defense, I don’t know how to say this, but women better start carrying a weapon and living in a jurisdiction that protects the right to self-defense if they think they’re going to “defend” themselves against a male attacker with the “techniques” that these scam “dojos” hawk.

 

[Xantippe]

So if we hug one person, we have to hug everybody in the room. Or if we kiss one person, we have to kiss everybody. OK!

I agree with a previous female poster’s point that the women may have figured out that the OP is particularly interested in them and hugging him would make them feel uncomfortable. Or, alternately, he doesn’t look like a hugger. So, according to Estevao’s analogy, it’s like giving everyone in the room a candy–except the person you think may be diabetic.

I’m personally a non-hugger (I don’t want to be grabbed and squished by non-intimates), so I like people who respect personal space.

 

[Xantippe]

Oh, and there’s a small but real chance that the others have been getting together outside class and have developed a relationship outside the dojo.

 

[angelic06]

Let me chime in, if you please…

I used to enjoy giving and receiving hugs when I was younger (about 14-18). Not anymore, unless I am really really really close to someone (my family…and in the future, a girlfriend). I have changed…I really don’t like too much physical contact from someone I am not entirely close with.

Now, as for you: do you enjoy receiving and giving hugs? Maybe the girls at your martial arts club think that you do not desire it. It might not necessarily be a sign of disrespect.

 

[EasterJoy]

I spoke against such a thing…

No, she means that the actions don’t seem creepy, but that using a word like " grooming" for an appropriate courtship is creepy. It may be a language difference; the word “grooming” is used these days to mean to prepare someone to be lured into something they don’t suspect and would never want. “Grooming” is something a swindler or a sexual predator does to a prospective victim. It isn’t a word used when you’re only exploring whether someone could be interested in a mutually-agreeable courtship.

If you get a woman interested in you, she’ll be won over as a willing partner. If not, oh well, you failed. It happens, and sometimes it happens to fellows who are looked at later as an “if only I’d seen what I was missing” guy. It is not as if women are infallible judges of men! Many of the happiest wives are those who found the prince that others overlooked because they have fairytale ideas that keep them from recognizing a real prince when they looked right at him.

Be a prince, and dare to go looking for someone you can make your queen, who will have you as her king. You only want to find one, exactly one. Once you find her, then it will only help you that the others don’t covet you. Hers and hers alone: the rest don’t matter, and it is really best if they all see you as a brother. Your wife will be no “victim”, but will be as happy to find you as you are to find her, even if she didn’t see you as much of a prospect at first. Many women say that at first, but are talking very differently about the fellow when he’s won her heart!

 

[polki]

If you’re more shy than the others, maybe they didn’t want to make you feel awkward about reciprocating a hug that you didn’t initiate. Don’t over think it. Just continue to be their friend. If one of them interests you, ask her out if you feel comfortable. If you are unsure, get to know her better first.

 

[dedo]

Heres the thing: I know these people want to be my friends because they always talk to me and they always welcome my company. In fact, this martial art and because everyone there accepted me despite my social weaknesses were the reasons I became so much more confident. I t’hink my problem is more with the idea that maybe I did something wrong to them or the idea that I may give off this non-hug vibe that bothers me. I feel that I love my friends too much and I can’t love them less. I want to make more friends yes, it’d be very unhleathy to both parties to reject potential friends in order to only keep the current ones that you have. But friends aren’t there to keep you company when you’re bored, friends are supposed to be deeper than that, All I want is assurance that I can at least be loved. It takes proper judgement though; what if I was a dangerous type of person behind this computer screen? (which I’m not btw) How can people truly judge what type of person I am just by reading all this?

Writing this, I realize that yes, I am insecure, very, very insecure. I’malways saying disparaging things against myself in order to make people feel suprior to me, always doing things to make people think better of me, that somehow by telling them to be careful of me as I am a stranger I will make them feel safer aorund me. Maybe I’m trying to make myself look and feel worse as a person in order to not look upon other people in a worse light because they never invite me out or never initiate a conversation with me. Becuase that is how things are, nobody asks me to hang out, ever, at all, and I’ve rarely had anyone initiate a conversation with me. 95% of the time I’m the one who has to initiate a conversation and even then, I’m always trying to find out what others like or what they have been up to in order to show them that they are interested. I do this to everyone, men and women included.

To not ask anyones help is a perverse thing to do and this fear of loneliness, this acceptance of the idea that I may end up all alone in the future is what is destroying me on the inside. Look sorry about my ranting but I now know what on earth is wrong with me. I’m too insecure. I have too much self loathing, too much anger built up on the inside because of all the ******* abuse I had to udnergo throughout my life. Maybe thats why I am so insecure, because I have nobody to talk to, nobody to discuss my problems with. Maybe I do need a psychologist or maybe I need to grow an even bigger spine. **** it, I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve been emotionally abused by various people throughout my life. I am not afraid to admit that I’ve been sexually harassed at school by various school bullies because there is notihng wrong with being a victim of sexual harassment. You know, thats what I need to do, help others who suffered the same things I had to go through, admit that I had to go through such things instead of keeping it up bottled inside. I need to drop this ******** idea that I can’t be loved. I just don’t know what to do, I need advice.

All of us have things we can improve on. A couple things in this post stand out. One thing that is very helpful about many sources of Christian instruction (homilies, sermons, CD’s, and DVD’s) is that they contain self-help instruction, from a scriptural point of view.

For example, it is a good idea to just never say bad things about yourself. Your words have power, so if you start to think this sort of thing then counter it with a positive affirmation about yourself. In fact, it is not a bad idea to preemptively say positive things about yourself from a scriptural point of view.

For example, Isiaih 45:24 is a good place to start.

Secondly, your remark about “telling people to be careful of me” is another thing that you should avoid if you want to make friends. Hinting that you are some kind of hazard is a good way to make people avoid you. If you have done this in the past, don’t do it again.

Also, counseling is not a bad idea. Sometimes getting periodic perspective of a counselor can be be very helpful at different periods in life.

Finally, two extremes to avoid is to be either “needy” or “aloof”. People need to know that you value their company and perspective. However, if it is someone you are considering dating, avoid appearing to be “needy”.

Finally, seek God and trust Him to direct your path.

What you describe is not uncommon.

Good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

Dedo has some good advice.

You have been engaging in a lot of self-sabotage (warning people about yourself, doing stuff that sends out creepy vibes). I think you’re going to need the help of a good therapist to help stop doing that stuff and improve your social life. You’ve put a lot of work into painting yourself as “the creepy guy” and it’s actually kind of amazing that your social life is as good as it is given all of that. You must have a lot of redeeming qualities.

Best wishes!

 

[mrajax]

Every minute you waste agonizing over what some spiteful woman who practices a man’s activity thinks about you the better.

Spiteful women? Why ar ethye spiteful for not hugging me? Its not like they have an obligation towards me.

 

[mrajax]

Oh, and there’s a small but real chance that the others have been getting together outside class and have developed a relationship outside the dojo.

I think that may be true; they have known each other for longer than myself. But the girls did hug someone they only started knowing two and a half months ago so it could be that I am a non-hugger. Also, even though I know they love me and have a certain closeness to them, I don’t feel that I’m that close a friend with anyone there or with anyone at all for that matter. Nobody, ever, asks me to hang out, except for a group activity but that’s just about it. I’m feeling that maybe because I myself don’t go clubbing at night than they must have concluded that I don’t go out ever. Frankly, rarely does anyone initiate a conversation with me; it’s like I always have to be the one who starts it up and before anyone says yes, I do this all the time; I’m even trying to initiate conversations with total strangers I meet at the bus stop and what not.

 

[mrajax]

No, she means that the actions don’t seem creepy, but that using a word like " grooming" for an appropriate courtship is creepy. It may be a language difference; the word “grooming” is used these days to mean to prepare someone to be lured into something they don’t suspect and would never want. “Grooming” is something a swindler or a sexual predator does to a prospective victim. It isn’t a word used when you’re only exploring whether someone could be interested in a mutually-agreeable courtship.

If you get a woman interested in you, she’ll be won over as a willing partner. If not, oh well, you failed. It happens, and sometimes it happens to fellows who are looked at later as an “if only I’d seen what I was missing” guy. It is not as if women are infallible judges of men! Many of the happiest wives are those who found the prince that others overlooked because they have fairytale ideas that keep them from recognizing a real prince when they looked right at him.

Be a prince, and dare to go looking for someone you can make your queen, who will have you as her king. You only want to find one, exactly one. Once you find her, then it will only help you that the others don’t covet you. Hers and hers alone: the rest don’t matter, and it is really best if they all see you as a brother. Your wife will be no “victim”, but will be as happy to find you as you are to find her, even if she didn’t see you as much of a prospect at first. Many women say that at first, but are talking very differently about the fellow when he’s won her heart!

That’s the point. To search out someone who looks like a Prince Charming or that soppy stuff is futile because love isn’t based around loving archetypes or concepts. Love is about loving people so even if there was someone who was the greatest, most charming and humble guy in the world, the woman they are in love with may end up with a seemingly ‘lesser’ person and be much happier for it.

Women are not infallible judges of men; that really hit me. Ny problem is that I have very low self esteem. I’ve had depression for years and I have a certain anger bottled up inside me. I’m just scared that people dislike me or hold me in contempt, that is all.