Am I being a jerk about chastity?

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Flamepoint

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New here and looking for some honest advice. I am 29 years old and very interested in getting married within the next couple of years. So far I have worked hard to obtain a Masters degree and an excellent job so that I am fully prepared to start a family financially, educationally and spiritually. I am one of five kids, and all my siblings are married including my little sister. So I am really only looking to seriously date for a potential marriage.

About four months ago I started dating a girl who is a Masters student at the college where I work. She is 25 years old. She’s pretty, funny, smart, comes from a good family and is very religious. I really like her. I think she would make a good mom and wife from what I know so far. We are totally on the same page as far as faith goes - we are both practicing and active Catholics.

Here’s the problem. After four months of pretty serious dating, I told her that I liked her very much and could see a future with her. I told her how glad I was that I’d saved myself for marriage, too. Unfortunately she took that time to tell me that she had had sex with a boyfriend when she was a senior in high school, 7 years ago. She told me that they were both Catholics, cared for one another very deeply, caved to temptation on about 5 occasions and then both went to confession and agreed to continue ahead chastely. When they left for college the relationship ended and she said she has fully repented of her sins and has been chaste for 7 years and intends to not have any more sex until marriage.

Okay, I was shocked. I never thought I would marry an experienced woman who gave her body to anothwr guy. I get that people mess up, but the thought of my wife having been with another man grosses me out big time. I told her I was really hurt that ahe had given away her virginity so easily and I have not called her since Sunday.

I know she’s embarrassed and hurt and probably thought I would say it was not a big deal, but it is. She won’t ever be able to give me the gift of her virginity and yet I have held out. She’s a great girl in every other way except she lost her virtue. I don’t want to be a jerk or have too high of expectations. I just don’t know if this should be a dead breaker or if I am passing up a great woman who simply made a mistake when she was a kid.

Can I get over this? Should I? Is she fit to be a mother if she can’t honestly say she waited for her husband? I know the Lord says to forgive but He also says to use good judgment.
 
Personally, I think you would be doing this young lady a huge disservice by continuing your relationship with her. This would always be in the back of your mind, and every time your marriage hit a rough patch, this is what you would use as ammunition against her. You might not say it out loud, but but you’d be thinking it.

You claim that you “like her very much and can see a future with her.” Well, the experience she had seven years ago is part of who she is. If you can’t get past that, do her a favor and end it.
I know she’s embarrassed and hurt…
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Understandably so. She’s probably also throughly irritated and mad at herself for wasting four months of her life “seriously dating” you.
 
I think she’s fine. More than fine.

However, if this is your attitude, you may not be ready for marriage yourself. She confessed something she’s deeply ashamed of, and you blew her off. She doesn’t deserve that, and if you can’t forgive her (Christ already has, btw), you don’t deserve her.
 
You clearly have very high standards, and that’s certainly a good thing in some respects, but I wouldn’t be so quick to dump her because of something that she did as a minor. She’s obviously a different person than she was at 17, and she has committed herself to chastity now, so I’m not quite sure what the issue is. If it always going to hold you back from loving her fully, though, I guess you have to try to find someone who has what you are looking for. I do think it’s sad though, that this would automatically disqualify her, as she seems to be a lovely person.
 
Flamepoint said:
I don’t want to be a jerk or have too high of expectations.
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Too late for that. You are being a jerk if your expectation is/was finding someone who never made a mistake in her life.:rolleyes:
Flamepoint said:
Is she fit to be a mother if she can’t honestly say she waited for her husband?
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That’s the criteria you’re using for who makes a good mother?! :confused: Please explain the connection.

I am with the others who said that she’s better off without you. You may be able to financially support a wife but you sure can not emotionally support one - and it’s the latter which makes a better husband, IMO.
 
You ought to get over it if you can–you are being very hard on someone who is not only obviously contrite, but who has also stuck with her firm purpose of amendment and is willing to admit her faults to you–but you should apologize and let her go if you can’t. She deserves your full acceptance, if you are going to be her husband, no matter what she openly discloses to you. Still, if we find only one person we are willing to accept fully when we’re given a full knowledge of all their past, that is all it takes to make a good marriage. Most of us know a perfectly wonderful person with a fault that could not be matched by an equal ability in us to look past it.

Honestly, though, I’d go with her, because she a) disclosed what she did honestly and b) is obviously capable of self-control. Concerning how she handled that first mistake, I think it would be just fine to conclude it will be her last of that kind, or at least as likely that that will be her last as that a virgin could never possibly be unfaithful.

Look at this as a kind of a Prodigal Son moment. Of course it is hard, because keeping *yourself *pure has been hard! Still, ou are not being asked to forgive an infidelity to God that has not been repented of, and the sin she committed was not primarily against you. God is pleased with your fidelity, it does count for a lot, but that has to be in the context that you do it for God, and not so that you’ll have the right to surround yourself with people who have never sinned. You have to be perfect as your father is perfect, which means welcoming the truly contrite. So even if you decide to break up with her because of your inability to get past this, be very clear that she deserves the same forgiveness from you that God gave her, and that this is about your inability to get past what she did, not God’s.
 
It’s hard for me. I don’t want to be a jerk but I’ve been told my whole life how important it is to save yourself for marriage. And I’ve worked hard at that. Now I’m being asked to let that expectation go, and I mean some things you can’t take back. I do really care for this woman and she is a great person in every other way. It just seems hard to give someone a pass after being told how critical chastity is. I do appreciate the frank feedback. I am not a mean person and want to do what is right long term.
 
Z1Z2 said:
You may be able to financially support a wife but you sure can not emotionally support one - and it’s the latter which makes a better husband, IMO.
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Yep. This. 100%

If you think she screwed up when she was a teenager just think about all the mistakes she has made since then, and she isn’t even halfway through life, there will be so many more!

If you aren’t prepared to deal with a partner’s imperfections (just as they will have to deal with yours) then you are not ready to be married.
 
Flamepoint said:
It’s hard for me. I don’t want to be a jerk but I’ve been told my whole life how important it is to save yourself for marriage. And I’ve worked hard at that. Now I’m being asked to let that expectation go, and I mean some things you can’t take back. I do really care for this woman and she is a great person in every other way. It just seems hard to give someone a pass after being told how critical chastity is. I do appreciate the frank feedback. I am not a mean person and want to do what is right long term.
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I don’t get the feeling that you’re a jerk. You’re just shocked, and OK, maybe you resent it a little bit that she can’t give you what you’ve saved for her. Read the Prodigal Son story. She’s not slopping with the pigs, expecting you to accept that. She’s returned contrite, and she’s been good in her purpose of amendment. Think about the other faults and sins that you’ve accepted absolution for; that may help this a bit. After doing all that, you’re still going to make a fine husband. I think she’ll make someone a fine wife, too.
 
Flamepoint said:
It’s hard for me. I don’t want to be a jerk but I’ve been told my whole life how important it is to save yourself for marriage. And I’ve worked hard at that. Now I’m being asked to let that expectation go, and I mean some things you can’t take back. I do really care for this woman and she is a great person in every other way. It just seems hard to give someone a pass after being told how critical chastity is. I do appreciate the frank feedback. I am not a mean person and want to do what is right long term.
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She is contrite, has lived a chaste life since this, and has been honest with you.

Would you prefer the alternative – someone not contrite, still sleeping around, and lying to you?

And um, giving her a “pass”, is known in church language as forgiveness and accepting the repentant sinner.

Sorry to be blunt, but this is my opinion: You’re the one with the problem, and if you can’t handle this then do this girl a favor and end the relationship.
 
You have found a jewel. If you have reservations about that or don’t feel you can get past her previous experience, do her the curtesy of moving out of the way so another man can appreciate her. Nobody is saying her indiscretion isn’t a big deal, least of all her. She has repented AND stayed true to recommitment to chaste living for several years. I can tell you that is admirable and RARE in the dating pool EVEN among Catholics.
 
If God can forgive her and bless her who are you to challenge that? Entering into a marriage isn’t about what you want or think you deserve. It is about what you can give. You can give her the gift of your virginity and it is one I’m certain she would be grateful for. God will provide for you want you require. In fact, God has put the power in your hands to demonstrate His forgiveness of this woman to her. I can’t imagine a power greater than this. That is what Christ did for us. He demonstrated God’s loving grace to us. You get to have a Christ-like experience which personally I think is more than anyone could ever ask for.
 
Good luck finding someone perfect. Let’s hope you have equal perfection to offer.
 
Seriously get over this. If you found a woman you love who is Catholic, wants to start a family with you, and is living the faith, then you really have nothing to complain about. That’s a treasure right there.

I don’t know how much you know about the other fish in the sea, but good luck finding that perfect Catholic woman in her late twenties who has never had sex. Ideally, we all would have lived chastely until marriage. But we are all sinners.

You are a sinner too, just obviously in different ways. Should she feel the same way about your sins which she never had difficulties avoiding?
 
I wish you the best of luck, not in finding a perfect partner, but in being the perfect partner. And that takes listening, understanding, listening, laughing, listening…😉

From the little bit you’ve described of her, she sounds like quite a catch. She’s full of faith, she’s honest about very intimate details, funny, etc. You’ll never find someone with all the positive qualities you mentioned, that doesn’t have some negative qualities as well.

Best of luck in love and life.
 
Only you can decide on this one. If it is a deal breaker for you, then you certainly don’t need to adjust that.

For what it’s worth, though, I saved myself for marriage. When I started dating my now husband, I found that he not only had a sexual past but what I perceived to be a very sordid past. After he opened up to me and gently explained what he had done, my heart hurt so deeply with regret, with betrayal (even though he didn’t know me at the time!), with absolute pain… But I will tell you this. I prayed long and I prayed hard, and I still came to the conclusion that this was the man I was called to marry. Not to fix him, not to change him, but to embrace him. To allow him to embrace me. To make peace with that which can not be undone. I didn’t settle. I just didn’t give up on him when my initial reaction was to run as fast as I could.
 
you say you want to use good judgment - 7 years of chastity says a lot about this woman’s character
 
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