Am I being selfish about marriage?

[Belgarion]

The thing is, if we were talking in a man in the same situation as OP’s girlfriend…he might not want to postpone marriage. Men don’t get pregnant. Getting pregnant could throw a wrench in things for any woman who wanted to complete grad school.

I’m guessing there’s probably more to it than just that, in the OP’s situation, but it is something to think about in general.

Why don’t you meet up with all the women who have had a “wrench” thrown into their plans for furthering their education.
Tell those women that their child shouldn’t have been born because they wanted to complete grad school.

Tell me how it goes.

 

[whatevergirl]

Not sure if she meant it like that.

I don’t see anything wrong with the OP’s gf wishing to get through her studies, before getting married. They are not even engaged yet. She doesn’t owe him her life, without even being engaged yet. I think that none of us know what the future holds, and we are speculating on her and his plans. I think that they both need to sit down obviously, and discuss things–but I don’t believe in brushing over people’s lives with the same brush I might use for my own. Everyone is different–and if she wishes to finish school, as his gf and not his wife, she should be allowed to decide for herself.

 

[GraceDK]

Why don’t you meet up with all the women who have had a “wrench” thrown into their plans for furthering their education.
Tell those women that their child shouldn’t have been born because they wanted to complete grad school.

Tell me how it goes.

Chill mate!
…

My mom is a teacher (languages)… she loves her job and always have also because it met her needs to be with her family a lot… she is now close to retirement age and all her children have left home. She does not regret waiting to have her children for a little while until she had her degree… she told me that had she started to have children before she had finished the education she would never have finished it… it would not have been possible. If dad had not supported that mom had her dream fulfilled I think they would have both never been happy. I am blessed to have parents that are happy with what they do and who are totally equal and supporting each other’s dreams… Its awesome to grow up in a home like that.

I dont think a woman should ever have to justify her wish to take an education just like a man should not… but they should be happy for each other … but maybe its due to culture differences… here its seen as a right for each individual to get an education. Both women and men should be able to do this with support from their friends and family and even from society.

Anyway… where is the OP… have we seen him for a while?

 

[goravens]

My DH and I knew we wanted to get married during our undergraduate. The big decision we had was similar to yours…I wanted to do grad school, so we would either wait while I went somewhere for grad school full-time and then got married, or we would get married and I would do grad school part-time while working. We chose to get married about six months after finishing undergrad.

My position might be different from your gf…I really need my master’s to work in my field, and to provide me with the flexibility of getting a decent-paying part-time job that would still allow me time at home with my kid(s). We knew I would need to work and bring in some income, because my DH teaches in a Catholic school; I also love my work and wanted to keep one foot in it. So we both felt it was important for me to do grad school, but ultimately decided God was calling us to get married then. It’s been hard and in many ways it would have been easier had I chosen the path of getting my degree first…but God doesn’t call us to do things because they’re “easy” There are many, many things that have happened to me in the past four and a half years that were only a part of my life because I chose this path. It was hard, but it was right for us. My DH was a huge support to me through my master’s and it really stretched us as a couple in a lot of positive ways.

There’s a lot more I could say, so feel free to message me if you want to hear more!

 

[SeekerJen]

Why don’t you meet up with all the women who have had a “wrench” thrown into their plans for furthering their education.
Tell those women that their child shouldn’t have been born because they wanted to complete grad school.

Tell me how it goes.

Belgarion,

I have to agree with the other poster that advised you to chill out. The woman in question is not even engaged to the OP. Therefore, he has no right to make decisions for her or to expect her to conform her life to his. If they were already engaged and she sprung this on him with no warning, then it would be a different matter. But he already knows about her wish to attend a specific college for grad school and wants her to change her plans to suit his desires before they are even engaged. He has no right to expect this. If neither are willing to compromise, then they are not the right people for each other. Better to find that out now.

You are very young, if I’m remembering correctly. You will soon find out that, sadly, romance doesn’t trump all. Simply loving someone doesn’t mean that someone will be a good spouse. I loved my ex-fiance. He was a kind man and from a good Catholic family (that I also loved), However, he was not willing to be a responsible adult and it would have been folly to marry him. I have since found a responsible adult man who I love more than I thought possible.

 

[sallybranwyn]

Has the OP mentioned how old he and his girlfriend are? I had VERY different ideas about my life at the age of 19-20 when I finished undergrad than I do now at 24 (stop snickering! I’m wise in my old age!)

 

[hasikelee]

The thing is, if we were talking in a man in the same situation as OP’s girlfriend…he might not want to postpone marriage. Men don’t get pregnant. Getting pregnant could throw a wrench in things for any woman who wanted to complete grad school.

I’m guessing there’s probably more to it than just that, in the OP’s situation, but it is something to think about in general.

I disagree out of experience. I am overloading on credits and will be continuing a dual masters degree in the fall…I am also 4 months pregnant. Although medical school appears out of reach (due to a medical issue) I am definitely still going to law school.

I think it takes a very supportive spouse who respects your desire to continue school. But more so than that, I think it really takes an alignment of priorities. Believing that marriage has to be put off (but still requesting the continuation of an exclusive dating relationship) is a subtle way of saying one doesn’t feel confident in completing something or in working with a team mate to achieve a goal.

Again, it is just in my experience, but I feel that marriage has actually strengthened my ability and resolve to complete some very tough schooling. Yet it appears that this girl’s perspective is either she goes to grad school or she gets married. All opinions on education aside, not being able to make things work or compromise is certainly going to cause trouble in marriage. It will probably negatively impact her schooling too. You have to be flexible in life to get the things that you want, especially things that require effort such as graduate school and marriage.

Maybe OP and his gf aren’t ready for marriage. At any rate, and I would say this if the gender was reversed, the OP would probably be wise in waiting until the other person has completed school. Her hesitation and rigidity might not be bad in and of itself, but they could be hints at harder issues down the road.

 

[Youngcatholic]

Can’t you get married and she work on her degree after you get married? There are alot of couples that do this. You can delay having children until she finishes the degree and saves some $$ so she can then stay home with the kids.