Am I Being Too Difficult?

[nancysanyu2010]

Hi,
Sorry about what is going on in your marriage life, but very seriously it needs God’s intervention. Your concerns are genuine and maybe my humble request would be that you keep calm, quiet and prayful. Whenever she repeats such acts in the prescence of the kids, call them up embrace the 3 of them and say a prayer to the lord as you hold onto your kids. She will realise how stupid she is acting and probably even reform.

That prayer intime will wash away her curse kind of words.
Bless you,
Lydia

 

[Catolico65]

I am a father of three and have a similar problem with my wife. My recommendation is to realize God made the husband the head of the marriage for a reason. I would also recommend you pray for your wife and for you to be a better husband. Marriage is not easy but is worth it. God bless.

 

[Kensho]

People are judged by their language. Using curse words tells most that the oerson is uneducated, uncouth, and generally shunned in certain social circles.

Does your wife want your children to be parotting these words?
Think of the show ‘honey boo boo’’ and jerry springer.

There are ways to correct children using proper english. My children would not associate with potty mouth children, as they would copy this language.

This is not a judgement, just reality. As a parent your wife should model excellent behavior and language is part of that. If your children make a habit of using curse words, it will hinder them now, and later in life.

She said what I was gonna say. If your wife doesn’t care about any other aspect of this (although she should, I think we all agree), she should at least care about not modeling language for her children that will get them into trouble. Personally I insist on good grammar and pronunciation around my child because I don’t want stupid people to ever judge her as stupid because of the way she talks – I’d be even more insistent on clean language. Kids won’t know that it’s okay to cuss in front of Mom but that if you do it in front of teacher you may find yourself doing detention.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I’m just honestly trying to figure out if I’m being a prude by not being comfortable with a 14 year old watching SNL, or an 8 year old hearing non-stop F-bombs and being called a butt-hole.

She basically says I’m too uptight. I basically think she’s being incredibly immature.

My friend, I think you need to separate these two things: the name-calling and, say, the SNL. These two are not the same, in my view.

Let’s cover the name-calling first. This is objectively not good. We have all said things that we regret to others, we have all insulted someone or other at some point in time just for the sake of belittling and bullying them. This is not loving behavior, and within the family is totally unacceptable. If one has erred and regrets it, they should be forgiven. However, they should be repentant. One should strive not to belittle or demean anyone, let alone family.

You are not at all in the wrong here, you are 100% right to call out this behavior by your wife. Please continue to try to explain to her why this is wrong and I will be praying for you.

The SNL stuff/what to watch/not watch on TV is more of a judgment call. I am not saying you are wrong, nor am I saying you are right.But I would not put this in the same category as the insults and name-calling, as that is inherently morally wrong.

At the root of our issues is the fact that she’s basically an athiest, so this line of reasoning, while well-intentioned, is off the table. She considers us all children of happenstance, I guess.

This is not an excuse for her. There are plenty of atheistic families that are quite loving and do not engage in name-calling and belittling each other on a frequent basis. Do not let her continue doing this without confronting her on this matter. I will pray for you.

Catolico65:

I am a father of three and have a similar problem with my wife. My recommendation is to realize God made the husband the head of the marriage for a reason. I would also recommend you pray for your wife and for you to be a better husband. Marriage is not easy but is worth it. God bless.

Umm… I’m pretty sure that there have been in the past, are now in the present and will be in the future plenty of fathers who insult and demean their family members. Sad as that may be.

 

[Christy_Beth]

My dad was really nasty to me when I was growing up. And my mom never stood up for me. In fact, to hear her talk, one would think I deserved his kind of treatment. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t care how else she wants to put it, your wife is out of line and needs to be told that. If that doesn’t work, talk to each of your children and let them know that they are loved. Show them respect, model that respect. Maybe some of that will wear off onto your wife.

 

[gmarie21]

Yes - her family is very culturally Liberal - lots of foul language and a high tolerance for adult-themes at young ages. We’ve discussed this. She views her upbringing as normal (and our current culture in the US certainly doesn’t do anything to disprove her, does it?). She views mine as sheltered because I have never heard my mother say the F-word and only heard my Dad say it a few times, and only after I was an adult.

I’d like to add - I’m no angel. Although I’ve never cursed around the kids or called them names to their faces, I have in the past been free with foul language around adults. And I have said one of the kids were acting “btchy" when it was just her and I and nobody else could hear. I have cleaned all that up over the last year or so. But I’m not asking her to not curse when the kids aren’t around. Nor am I asking her to never describe their behavior in adult terms (like "btchy”). Lets face it. I have a teenage daughter. By definition, she’s going to act “b*tchy” in the next few years as she figures herself out. I just don’t want my wife calling her (or the kids) that name in front of them.

And how is her relationship with her family? Any deep hurts from the past in how she was raised? If so, I’d start there.

 

[gmarie21]

My dad was really nasty to me when I was growing up. And my mom never stood up for me. In fact, to hear her talk, one would think I deserved his kind of treatment. It’s wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t care how else she wants to put it, your wife is out of line and needs to be told that. If that doesn’t work, talk to each of your children and let them know that they are loved. Show them respect, model that respect. Maybe some of that will wear off onto your wife.

 

[mayxanh]

The answer is NO

But as mentioned by another poster, you need to wait until she calm down and discuss the issue in private, NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

 

[gmarie21]

The answer is NO

But as mentioned by another poster, you need to wait until she calm down and discuss the issue in private, NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

The poster I gave the thumbs up to had a great suggestion and one that will be positive for his children. He SHOULD let them know that their mother’s behavior and language is incorrect and that he does not agree with it. He should show his children respect and love and teach them that they deserve to be treated with love and respect. If you have never been belittled by a parent then you don’t realize the damage that can do to a child.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

Any chance that your wife could be doing all this to try to get your attention for some reason?

I agree that she is definitely trying to get my attention, but I don’t think her language and the way she treats her own kids is a manifestation of that. She just doesn’t think its a problem. She acknowledges that I think its a problem, but she has no real issue with calling her own daughter a butt-hole. She thinks its just part of being a parent.

We go to counseling once a week and she has definitely admitted that she is trying to get me to spend more time on her. The trouble is, she rarelyl behaves in a way that invites me to spend more time on her. It’s often like learning to cuddle with a porcupine…It’s something I’m working on, for sure. I just get tired of wearing armor all the time…but that’s a different thread for another day.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

And how is her relationship with her family? Any deep hurts from the past in how she was raised? If so, I’d start there.

Relationship is good with her family. I don’t know if there’s something deep that has not come up (we’ve been married for 22 years). She may have some resentments that she’s not voicing.

We rarely get to cover this in therapy/counseling.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

The answer is NO

But as mentioned by another poster, you need to wait until she calm down and discuss the issue in private, NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

The poster I gave the thumbs up to had a great suggestion and one that will be positive for his children. He SHOULD let them know that their mother’s behavior and language is incorrect and that he does not agree with it. He should show his children respect and love and teach them that they deserve to be treated with love and respect. If you have never been belittled by a parent then you don’t realize the damage that can do to a child.

I started out only confronting her in private away from the girls. But her behavior didn’t change. And the last thing I want is the girls to think it’s OK and I somehow either approve or am too weak to show my disapproval. So, when it’s out of control and my gentle reminders don’t snap her out of it, I call her out. I guess I’m to the point where if she’s OK with the kids seeing her behave like that, I’m OK with the kids knowing it’s not acceptable.

I don’t like it. And it’s not good for our marriage. But I feel cornered and in this instance I put the well-being of very young girls above my own. My wife thinks I’m wrong for that. I guess I disagree with her.

 

[gmarie21]

I agree that she is definitely trying to get my attention, but I don’t think her language and the way she treats her own kids is a manifestation of that. She just doesn’t think its a problem. She acknowledges that I think its a problem, but she has no real issue with calling her own daughter a butt-hole. She thinks its just part of being a parent.

We go to counseling once a week and she has definitely admitted that she is trying to get me to spend more time on her. The trouble is, she rarelyl behaves in a way that invites me to spend more time on her. It’s often like learning to cuddle with a porcupine…It’s something I’m working on, for sure. I just get tired of wearing armor all the time…but that’s a different thread for another day.

Some people do crazy things to get attention and to test others. I have a cousin who was abandoned (and then adopted) at the age of 4 (yes, I know different from your wife). She definitely rebelled in a very difficult way (drug addiction, she’s pretty crude with her language). When her son was in his late teens he pinned her to a wall and said “we’re not going to abandon you nor stop loving you so stop acting this way.” That was a big time wake up call for her (she was drug free for years by this time). And, she’s a social worker to top it off, but she didn’t see her own behavior toward her family and how they perceived her behavior until her son did that.

Some people only need a gentle push, others need a 2x4 to realize the damage they are doing. While it may be difficult to show love to your wife, now, more than ever, especially that she’s admitted it, you MUST be aggressively loving toward her. She needs the same reassurance of love that you are showing to your daughters.

 

[Luvz2travel]

We only have your side to go on that you’re not doing something to be difficult. Is it possible that by telling your wife what she can and can’t do your treating her like another child. I’m only guessing by her statement that she feels smothered. Obviously something is bothering her since she feels the need to let you know she feels smothered. Sometimes we do things or say things that to us seem harmless in conconsquential but to someone else they can be hurtful or annoying on even condesending…again just guess here. By the way your wife calling her kid a butthole doesn’t seem the bad to me. I often curse when I get frustrated…I don’t have kids so it’s not a big deal but still that’s how some people relieve stress and buthole is a long way away from other other names…I won’t go into.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

We only have your side to go on that you’re not doing something to be difficult. Is it possible that by telling your wife what she can and can’t do your treating her like another child. I’m only guessing by her statement that she feels smothered. Obviously something is bothering her since she feels the need to let you know she feels smothered. Sometimes we do things or say things that to us seem harmless in conconsquential but to someone else they can be hurtful or annoying on even condesending…again just guess here. By the way your wife calling her kid a butthole doesn’t seem the bad to me. I often curse when I get frustrated…I don’t have kids so it’s not a big deal but still that’s how some people relieve stress and buthole is a long way away from other other names…I won’t go into.

I agree - just my side in this. And it is an interesting comment she makes about me smothering her. I have given it a lot of self-reflection.

The truth is: I put zero demands on her. She works when she wants, doesn’t work when she doesn’t want to. On the days she doesn’t work, I don’t demand she have a clean house or cook meals or anything else. When she doesn’t cook and I come home from work to find her on the internet, I just fix a meal for the kids. You’ll just have to take my word for it that I do my share plus a bit more around the house, and I put no demands on her at all, mostly because she’s so sensitive to being judged against someone else’s expectations. Which explains why she says I’m smothering her with the ONE thing I’ve put my foot down over - no vulgarity around the kids, and certainly no name calling. It’s not like we’re young, 20-something parents either. She’s 44. I’m 46. We both should have some level of control over how we react to the kids by now.

Anyway, I don’t get the same kind of lattitude. She levies all kinds of limits and demands on me. She’s hyper-critical of herself and is the one who sets high demands on herself and the kids and I.

I tolerate a lot of stuff, but calling a child a “butthole” (and we’re talking an 8 year old with a four year old listening in) in anger (not with a joking smile on your face) is not something I’m willing to tolerate.

 

[Catolico65]

Umm… I’m pretty sure that there have been in the past, are now in the present and will be in the future plenty of fathers who insult and demean their family members. Sad as that may be.

With all due respect it looks like you’ve bought the secular world’s propaganda that would undermine man’s, even Christian, God given position as the head of the family.

I believe that God gave us these guidelines in the New Testament for our own protection and betterment. Given that the family is being destroyed I would hope that we Christians could at least recognize this.

Also, not to be nitpicky, regarding your boilerplate comment about slavery, while it is certain that Jesus did not prohibit slavery His message undermined the deep roots of this practice and it was only a matter of time before it would fall. Being the absolute logical being God is, I fully expect He knew that the world could not accept the outright abolition of slavery without massive bloodshed and thus opted for a subtler approach.

 

[1ke]

So, have you been away from the Church until recently? Or has she fallen away sometime recently? Or has her atheism and behavior versus your faith and behavior been an issue the entire 22 years? Are you raising your children as Catholics?

 

[detoutcoeur]

I agree that she is definitely trying to get my attention, but I don’t think her language and the way she treats her own kids is a manifestation of that. She just doesn’t think its a problem. She acknowledges that I think its a problem, but she has no real issue with calling her own daughter a butt-hole. She thinks its just part of being a parent.

We go to counseling once a week and she has definitely admitted that she is trying to get me to spend more time on her. The trouble is, she rarely behaves in a way that invites me to spend more time on her. It’s often like learning to cuddle with a porcupine…It’s something I’m working on, for sure. I just get tired of wearing armor all the time…but that’s a different thread for another day.

I really have the sense that trying to get your attention is at the heart of the difficulty. Her behavior reminds me so much of kids who will go to any lengths to get attention and do “bad” things instead of “good” things because any attention is better than none. I think that all the bad language and name-calling is a smoke screen, so to speak, to distract from the real issue of wanting your attention.

I suggest that you try something very different–three things, actually.

1. The first is to “date” her all over again–take her out, just the two of you. Start small and casual at first–coffee, lunch, a movie–whatever is easy and affordable. The goal is to spend time with her. Try to talk about things unrelated to the house and kids. Keep it light, if you can, and make it fun. Bring her little gifts–candy, flowers, her favorite whatever etc. and do little things to help her. Surprise her!
2. At the same time–and I know this is going to be really hard–for now, say and do nothing when she name calls and uses bad language. When you react, you’re giving her negative attention. Leave the room, go for a walk, go read the paper. Just ignore it. If it bothers you to say nothing in front of your kids, think of it this way–she’s going to keep doing it if things go on as they are, so why not give **not **saying anything a try?
3. Pray hard for her. Not for her to change but for healing and for God to pour His love and all the graces she needs into her life. Pray for her whenever you think of her–a Hail Mary, an Our Father, or those simple, short prayers called “aspirations” (Jesus, help. Mary, hold her close). Or just say the name of Jesus–it’s the perfect prayer.

I imagine that this has been building up for a while, so it will take time but if you can hang in there, the positive interaction coming from you will replace the negative coming from her. You’ll also be setting a** great** example for your kids about how a husband treats his wife. And once she feels better about herself and you, there’s another plus–she’ll again be relaxed and affectionate, and you won’t have to “learn how to cuddle a porcupine” because the prickly quills will have all disappeared!

Blessings to you and your wife; you’re in my prayers. This is a prayer I like–Mother Teresa had on her wall in Calcutta.
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered–

Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives–
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends** and true enemies–**Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you–
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight–Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous–
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow–
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough–
Give the world the best you have anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God–
It was never between you and them
anyway.

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

 

[Luvz2travel]

I agree - just my side in this. And it is an interesting comment she makes about me smothering her. I have given it a lot of self-reflection.

The truth is: I put zero demands on her. She works when she wants, doesn’t work when she doesn’t want to. On the days she doesn’t work, I don’t demand she have a clean house or cook meals or anything else. When she doesn’t cook and I come home from work to find her on the internet, I just fix a meal for the kids. You’ll just have to take my word for it that I do my share plus a bit more around the house, and I put no demands on her at all, mostly because she’s so sensitive to being judged against someone else’s expectations. Which explains why she says I’m smothering her with the ONE thing I’ve put my foot down over - no vulgarity around the kids, and certainly no name calling. It’s not like we’re young, 20-something parents either. She’s 44. I’m 46. We both should have some level of control over how we react to the kids by now.

Anyway, I don’t get the same kind of lattitude. She levies all kinds of limits and demands on me. She’s hyper-critical of herself and is the one who sets high demands on herself and the kids and I.

I tolerate a lot of stuff, but calling a child a “butthole” (and we’re talking an 8 year old with a four year old listening in) in anger (not with a joking smile on your face) is not something I’m willing to tolerate.

Does she have ADHD…I have and some of the qualities you listed are tipical of ADHD people due to lack of focus. It’s hard to stay focused on one thing and your attention is always being drawn to other things. Also ADHD people tend to be super sensitive to criticism and ADHD women tend to be highly emotional and have self esteem issues that when critized can appear more of a big deal to them then they really are. Or is there maybe some emotional propblems that she has quite delt wilth. Again just guessing on all this. I would seek the advice of counsel sometimes another opinion can open doors of new thoughts or ideas as well as show you things about yourself you haven’t seen or taken into consideration. Good luck and prayers.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

As far as the swearing, I would ask her sometime in a calm moment to come to a compromise with you. You will not correct her in front of the kids, and she will not say the words that you consider the very worst (for me, there would be 3 word on the short list: the F word, God-d___, and Jesus’ name used in anger). I would consider that a good place to start.

However, I actually wouldn’t start there. I would start with the name calling. And while there is a religious component to why you shouldn’t treat your kids that way, I look at it from the psychological viewpoint. When you call your child those names, you are basically telling them they have no worth. Parents who treat their kids that way have kids who have low self esteem. God or no God, what parent wants their child to hate themselves? These the are the girls more likely to end up with eating disorders, abusive boyfriends or husbands, and psychological problems. These are the boys who end up bullies, or being bullied, or being the abusive boyfriend or husband. Parents have to remember that kids BELIEVE what their parents tell them. Does she really think her child as the same value as that body part? Does she really want her child to think of herself as so worthless? You just don’t call your children names, especially such base ones. Some parents have a hard time breaking that habit. Parents are human and make mistakes (you don’t need to use the word sin). But it hurts the child, and these kinds of hurts cause lasting, sometimes permanent psychological damage. This is what I would be emphatic about - as others have said, I would have a calm conversation in a calm moment where you can express your concern for the fragile hearts of your children. But I would also remove the child from the situation and then defend the child from that level of name calling as it happens, and I would talk to the child about it after, doing my best to help them understand that Mommy isn’t saying those words because she means them, but because she doesn’t know a better way to express her anger, and that they are in fact wonderful and precious, etc…