Am I being too hard on my husband?

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mdleagedguy said:
Clearwater, the thing you must understand is that you and your husband are under attack by Satan. Sin is a spiritual problem, and it is not amenable to legal or social solutions. I would advise prayer in front of the blessed sacrament and forgiving your husband. Forgiveness is an act of the will, not the emotions. You can forgive and still be angry. The healing will take time, maybe years. But the forgiveness is now. Tell him you forgive him for his adultery of the heart and for his lying about it. Once that is done, then you can decide with the help of a professional counselor or a priest what you need to do to move forward. Pray for your husband even if you don’t feel like it. Satan is using him to attack you. Prayer for your husband blunts the weapon being used against you. It won’t be easy. It will be hard. But it is necessary. The Bible says so. You might still be angry, and that’s okay. It’s like dealing with cancer. Chemotherapy is not easy but it’s necessary. Think of prayer and forgiveness as chemotherapy for your soul. It might be a long hard road, but it’s the destination that matters. God bless!
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I am beginning to believe that my marriage is under attack from Satan. Too many “odd” coincidences have happened. (Too long to explain). I did ask my Priest about this and he said it is possible. I do feel like there is an evil force trying to break us up.
 
I ask for everyone if they could say a prayer for me, my family and my marriage.

Thank you. God bless you all. Thank you for helping me. I am so very confused and don’t know what to do.

:gopray2:
 
Eliza10 said:
Jesus requires repentance. Your husband is not repenting if he is lying. As to staying married, that is a question to stay with, and seek help and wisdom in deciding. God tells us if anyone seeks wisdom He will give it to us in great measure. So stick with that, and keep asking and listening for God’s will… Pray for yourself to be open to hearing and doing God’s will. Don’t make a move till its clear to you, and until you have the peace of God about it, even in the midst of the storm.

… Um - that’s his choice. Do you have perverted friends?

I have been in your shoes as far as being at a heart-wrenching crossroads, and wishing, wishing God would just tell me what to do - then I would just do it! My husband of nearly 20 years I had just discovered was in an affair and was secretly planning to surprise me with divorce papers and try to legally have me declared crazy so he could take our child to live with that woman in another state… I learned it all from his own written word so there was no question about the facts. I found a local lawyer willing to help me sue back for “no divorce” since that’s what God would want - wasn’t it? But I had a fear growing in me, my ex was such a good liar, a story-inventor, and he believed his own lies as he made them up and convinced others - what if he won in court? So, I spend big money on a consultation with a lawyer with an excellent reputation. When I told him my story and my plan, he told me quite firmly I should divorce him back. Me, divorce?! But yes, he argued I could lose my child, otherwise, as, even if I won the “no divorce”, my ex could still get one after a certain time period if he separated (a year?) and then by then, said the lawyer, the judge might judge me a bit crazy and I could risk losing my child.

Now I was conflicted. I went to consult with my priest, who was known to be very orthodox, very pious, and “too strict” by the standards of many. Stalwart and faithful, as I see him. I knew he would not advise me in any way that was not Catholic. I told him my dilemma as I just told above. And then I told him just what you are saying right now: “I *wish God would just tell me what to do! *Because then I would do it!”

He said that God only does that sometimes, but most of the time, ordinarily, He gives us what we need to make the right decision, He gave us minds, he wants us to use them. I wish I could remember his exact wording! We have the teaching of the Church, we have scripture and the catechism, and we have minds to know what is wise and right, and we need to exercise them, and of course, our consciences, which should be formed, and we should listen to them. He said it sounded like this lawyer was giving me wise advice. He also commented that this other woman was doing me a favor (it was a long and difficult marriage) and that I could not make a silk purse out of a sows ear (which perfectly summed up in few words exactly how I had been exhaustingly living my married life all those years!).

So, Clearwater, I recommend that you find some wise advise - and personally, I am not seeing you getting it from that counselor. I know Gregory Popcap (and I am sure anyone else on his team at Pastoral Solutions) would give you wise advice, and address your feelings and concerns, not just telling you to put them behind you, and they will put the situation in a Catholic perspective. Then (or you could do it before), do find out what priest in your area has a reputation of being really wise. Can you do that? I can give you some suggestion for how to find him. He is out there, in your diocese, somewhere!
P.S. editing to add, after reading some of the posts at the end here, I am reminded that living in a crazy-making situation can make you crazy! Then you get blamed for being the crazy, not the crazymaker - who, instead, has no conscience, and is unbothered by his sins, and actually appears to the world to be the normal one (he thinks he is, after all), in contrast to you! I think that is what my lawyer was thinking when he said I could lose my child if I waited a year. People judge. They see you upset, and they judge that you are just some crazy upset hormonal-woman, not that you are having a normal reaction to a crazy situation!

P.P.S. Also editing to add, after reading posts here, that I reject the notion that you must contribute to a dynamic in your marraige that fuels this! Well, if a wise counselor says that, you can listen to him, but I doubt it! Sounds like your husband started the marriage that way. He chooses perverted friends who cheat on their wives. It sounds like it HIS problem! And your searching to find the truth when he won’t give it to you is WISE! The truth sets you free!

P.P.P.S Ug - still reading posts. Dear Clearwater, I don’t see that you are relishing being a victim! At all! That was* not* a psychologist making that** harsh judgment** of you here. Only believe that if it comes from a real counselor that you trust, and your conscience confirms it! (But I’m not seeing it!)
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Thank you for your post. I appreciate it. I did read it all. You have helped me. I am so confused at this moment and my mind feels like mush. My soul is hurting. My brain is spinning. My life is out of control. I am so sad and I feel so lost.
 
Abundant said:
Have you heard of the term co-dependency? When you are married to someone with an addiction, and YOUR behavior changes as a result, you are co-dependent. For instance, if you are married to a compulsive gambler and you check the bank account 3 times a day for withdrawals, or if you are married to an alcoholic and you drive by the bar on the way home to make sure he/she isn’t there. You are demonstrating co-dependent behaviors.

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like your husband has an addiction. It does however sound like he is immature. He goes along with the group and he lies about the extent of his behavior. If I were you, I would demand honesty. You cannot deal with a problem until it is all laid out on the table. You don’t have to leave him, and you can forgive him, but he must be willing to do some of the work too. It sounds like he needs to grow up, and you need to stop letting HIS problem dictate YOUR actions.
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Thank you for your feedback. I have demanded honesty; so many times I am blue in my face. My husband refuses to tell the truth. This is the hardest part for me to deal with and forgive. I know he is lying and he refuses to confess.
 
I want everyone to know that I have read everyone’s posts. You are helping me. I am reading all your posts and trying to look at my situation from another person’s point of view.

Thank you so much for helping me. Everyone has been so understanding and helpful. Please keep praying for me and my family.
 
pianistclare said:
“went” = past

“goes” = present.

Repenting means “no longer engaging those activities”.
Having sorrow, trying to make amends.

Hopefully the good Lord has more mercy than people have.
One will never change if met with condemnation 24-7.
That’s all some of us are saying.
Why are you so anxious for her to just dump him and get it over with? How will that help her situation? If she does, she will likely stroke those wounds forever. How that that bring to her to a place of peace?

If sinners need the Sacrament of Reconciliation, don’t you suppose that the two of them need also to reconcile?
I don’t recall any priest telling a sinner to “get the heck out of dodge, you’re a lost cause.”
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Your post breathed new knowledge into my soul. Thank you for your feedback. I needed to hear those words.
 
Clearwater14 said:
I am beginning to believe that my marriage is under attack from Satan. Too many “odd” coincidences have happened. (Too long to explain). I did ask my Priest about this and he said it is possible. I do feel like there is an evil force trying to break us up.
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I am sure this is true. “We fight not against flesh and blood but powers and principalities”. I will pray, too.
 
Clearwater14 said:
I want everyone to know that I have read everyone’s posts. You are helping me. I am reading all your posts and trying to look at my situation from another person’s point of view.

Thank you so much for helping me. Everyone has been so understanding and helpful. Please keep praying for me and my family.
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This is heartening to hear. I think one of your greatest assets might be your ability to hear criticism. That just may serve you well.
 
Clearwater14 said:
I know he is lying
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No, you do not know this. You have told yourself this so many times you now believe it to be true.
Clearwater14 said:
and he refuses to confess.
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You are not his priest.

And if he has something to confess the Sacrament of Reconciliation is the place to confess it.

WHY do you want him to confess it? So you can say “ah-ha I knew it” and continue to beat him up about it? So you can torture yourself with this knowledge? So you will feel justified in leaving him? So you can get sympathy from friends and family? WHY?

WHAT possible good comes from such a confession-- one that he gives because he actually did it or one that he gives to get you off his back. Either way, what purpose does it serve in healing your marriage? I don’t think it serves any purpose. That is why I have recommended that you STOP with the badgering. If you want to save your marriage, never bring it up again.
 
OP, other posters have given you very good advice from a spiritual and moral POV. Please allow me to give you a few things to think about from a more secular, practical angle.

Take a little while and imagine what a divorce would be like. Better still, go to a divorcees’ web site and spend a few hours reading the stories there. Think of having to sell your home and move elsewhere. Think of the financial aspects. Women are twice as likely to live in poverty after divorce as men. Think of your DH’s good points, which you have mentioned he does have. When you divorce him, you lose the good qualities along with the bad ones. One thing you don’t lose is the memory of betrayal. That will stay with you but without any way to overwrite it with good ones.

Most importantly, think of your DDs. Children of divorce suffer a great deal. And it never goes away. Every holiday, every significant event is spoiled. Who gets Christmas and who gets Christmas Eve? Who sits where at graduation? Who hosts the party? Where will your ex and his new GF/wife (and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts there will be one) sit at the weddings? Which of you will be “Grammy” and which will be “Grandma” when the grandchildren start arriving?

Don’t forget that your DDs will learn that marriage isn’t for better or for worse until death parts you but that something you quit when it gets difficult. This will color their own expectations of a good marriage.

We all have our own hills to climb and breaking points. Personally, I’d look at what my life would be like if I did decide on a divorce and choose to stay with a DH who was really trying to correct his faults and make a go of marriage. But you may feel differently.
 
Book_Worm said:
OP, other posters have given you very good advice from a spiritual and moral POV. Please allow me to give you a few things to think about from a more secular, practical angle.

Take a little while and imagine what a divorce would be like. Better still, go to a divorcees’ web site and spend a few hours reading the stories there. Think of having to sell your home and move elsewhere. Think of the financial aspects. Women are twice as likely to live in poverty after divorce as men. Think of your DH’s good points, which you have mentioned he does have. When you divorce him, you lose the good qualities along with the bad ones. One thing you don’t lose is the memory of betrayal. That will stay with you but without any way to overwrite it with good ones.

**Most importantly, think of your DDs. Children of divorce suffer a great deal. And it never goes away. Every holiday, every significant event is spoiled. Who gets Christmas and who gets Christmas Eve? Who sits where at graduation? Who hosts the party? Where will your ex and his new GF/wife (and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts there will be one) sit at the weddings? Which of you will be “Grammy” and which will be “Grandma” when the grandchildren start arriving? **

Don’t forget that your DDs will learn that marriage isn’t for better or for worse until death parts you but that something you quit when it gets difficult. This will color their own expectations of a good marriage.

We all have our own hills to climb and breaking points. Personally, I’d look at what my life would be like if I did decide on a divorce and choose to stay with a DH who was really trying to correct his faults and make a go of marriage. But you may feel differently.
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cosign. especially the bolded. I pray for your children.
 
Eliza10 said:
petitfleur, You are right that people lie for that reason. However her husband really needs to be honest in order to repent, and for her to trust him. Perhaps he is psychologically ill? Obviously he must certainly must be spiritually ill. As to receiving forgiveness if you have not repented, hmm, maybe she should ask a priest that one. Clearly one can and should forgive the unrepentant sinner - but it would be foolish to ever trust one who does not admit to his lies, right? Married to a man you cannot trust? Better see a good *truly Catholic *counselor for that one!

I think its wrong to forecast she would ever choose to live a life of bitter resentment. Just because a person is in a situation where that is the typical response, does not mean that person would ever choose that.
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First of all, her knowledge come second third hand. What if the other guy is lying a bit about the truth or misremembered due to drinking or making himself not look so bad? Or her friend misheard or is I terrorizing the info wrong.
Second forgiveness is a choice, and to say she can only forgive and move on unless he confesses is not true. You either choose to forgive or not. Putting conditions on it is not forgiving. I have seen people move past much worse things in relationships and anger and resentment can liter destroy a person. I am not exaggerating that either- she is drinking poison hoping her husband dies from it (figuratively)
What if she can’t handle the truth? She has punished him for three years. She needs to choose if she is willing to put the effort into forgiving and move forward or not.
I had to forgive my sisters murderer who walks free. It is a choice. I cannot say I will only forgive him hen justice is served. I had to forgive the officials who screwed up so badly he walked free, the lawyer, the judge. It is possible to forgive anything. Putting conditions on forgiveness is not forgiveness.
And I cannot say enough how she is destroying her soul by wallowing in anger.

Perhaps she cannot trust him, perhaps even if he did confess the whole truth if there is more she still cannot trust him. There is no way of knowing. Maybe she should believe her husband over her friend.
 
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