Am I being too sensitive or is husband just being super rude?

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Unsungmelody said:
Here’s The problem. I work mornings. He works nights. So even if staying up would prevent that part, there’s a huge gap in the morning where he can do whatever he wants cause I’m at work. That’s where I feel he does it the most honestly.

He’s already hiding it from me by deleting history and even if I blocked it on the computer he has his phone with internet access. I don’t want to be a control freak but I don’t know how much more I can take of this. Honestly I’m disgusted and hurt by his actions.

Yes leaving would not solve the problem but maybe I would be less emotionally upset and he wouldn’t be there to verbally upset me either.

I’m very anti divorce or leaving a spouse but I also know I cannot live with the feeling like I have been having. I feel unloved and not needed. I feel that I am just the person to take care of the house and make him food.
I’m too afraid to speak to my parents or older sibling about these issues and I do know ultimately counseling for just me will only go so far.
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My heart really goes out to you. 😦 I sincerely hope you seriously consider the counseling for yourself (especially since it is free!). Your fear and keeping it all inside is not helping you. Certainly, you don’t go broadcasting your husband’s sins to anyone you come across. But airing these thoughts to someone else will shed the light of truth on what has previously been something unspeakable. Speaking about it will help loosen the power it has over you.

I would not recommend going to your parents about it, though. I know each family situation is different, but I’m generally opposed to spilling our spouse’s foibles to family, since they are part of our life for the rest of our life and they seldom forget such things. But someone like a priest or a counselor would be ideal.
 
Dear unsungmelody,

The advice to get help as soon as possible is very good. It will strengthen you to be able to see what will help, as so far nothing seems to be working.

It would be good if you also had a spiritual mentor such as a holy priest who can give advice to you.

You are suffering from emotional and verbal abuse, according to what you have shared.

May our Lord Jesus Christ and His Blessed Mother be with you, guiding and teaching both of you.

If your husband does not respond in a reasonable amount of time a separation may be necessary - with regular counseling for both of you.

Prayers for both of you!
 
So counseling and trying to get him to go as well? He won’t listen to a Christian side of things as he’s very much anti church so a Catholic counselor would not go over well with him.
I also know that when he married me he had no intention of children But I figured it was a stage. I don’t know what else he’s hidden from me. I know he does have a terrible temper. And I hate the swearing and cursing that he does.
He knows it bothers me too
 
Unsungmelody said:
So counseling and trying to get him to go as well? He won’t listen to a Christian side of things as he’s very much anti church so a Catholic counselor would not go over well with him.
I also know that when he married me he had no intention of children But I figured it was a stage. I don’t know what else he’s hidden from me. I know he does have a terrible temper. And I hate the swearing and cursing that he does.
He knows it bothers me too
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Please speak to a priest of everything you mentioned here. What jumped out at me above is that he told you he had no intention of children. (and you thought that stage would pass.) That is grounds for a decree of nullity. (annulment)
 
Dorothy said:
Please speak to a priest of everything you mentioned here. What jumped out at me above is that he told you he had no intention of children. (and you thought that stage would pass.) That is grounds for a decree of nullity. (annulment)
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Yeah I know. I mean if we had kids he would be part of their life but doesn’t want any even know when he knows that I really want children.
I just don’t think that I’d have the heart to divorce or leave him. I do love him but I absolutely hate the way he treats me.
 
Unsungmelody said:
So counseling and trying to get him to go as well? He won’t listen to a Christian side of things as he’s very much anti church so a Catholic counselor would not go over well with him.
I also know that when he married me he had no intention of children But I figured it was a stage. I don’t know what else he’s hidden from me. I know he does have a terrible temper. And I hate the swearing and cursing that he does.
He knows it bothers me too
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If it were me, I would focus on one thing at a time. First, you can go by yourself and see how that goes and what things surface for you. Then you can evaluate if, when, and how you could both go together, which, of course, would be very helpful if your husband is open to it. Since it seems he is not at this point in time, I’d probably hold off on pushing him about it. But you don’t have to wait around until he is on board with it before you go for yourself.
 
Your husband sounds like my first “husband”. Very contemptuous of me and anything connected to me. I was told I didn’t even know how to take cookies off a cookie sheet right.
I took it for 17 years until the night, the night of our daughters funeral, he raped me.

After that, I got out as it was no marriage and never had been.

Not giving advise, just telling you my tale. But I think most therapists would say that when contempt becomes a part of the relationship, it is over and will not get better. There is a psychologist who does a good job predicting divorce in a couple or not after just one session. He says that if he sees contempt in either party it’s pretty certain it cannot be salvaged.

I stayed way longer than I should have. Think of it this way:
Would this sort of relationship be good enough for your daughter? If not, then why is it good enough for you? Short answer…it’s not.

. Your kids are growing up expecting to either be that way to their wife, or to be treated that way by their spouse. A happy mom makes for happy kids, and sometimes that means sticking up for yourself.

It is The Death By a Thousand Cuts.
It never gets any better.
 
Unsungmelody said:
Yeah I know. I mean if we had kids he would be part of their life but doesn’t want any even know when he knows that I really want children.
I just don’t think that I’d have the heart to divorce or leave him. I do love him but I absolutely hate the way he treats me.
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You really should not bring children into a situation like this. That would be very irresponsible. Your husband likes porn, he doesn’t want children and he treats you badly. No child needs to be in this hornets nest.

You have a huge marriage problem that needs to be addressed first. You need to seek out counsel for yourself whether or not your husband wants to come along.
 
My first husband didn’t want children either. But he didn’t bother to tell me before we married.
After a two year engagement with all expectations of being married in the Church, at literally the last minute he refused to go to Pre Cana. I learned after the wedding that he didn’t want kids, ever. That’s why he wouldn’t go to pre Cana.

And although I had been going to church throughout the engagement, he didn’t tell me he hated any sort of religion until after. He was a liar.

If he doesn’t want kids and you do, go. If he doesn’t love you enough to make your life a good one he doesn’t deserve you.
I’m telling you, your man sounds so much like my first husband.
Don’t waste the best years of your life with him, go.
Find a real man who can love you.
 
Unsungmelody said:
So counseling and trying to get him to go as well? He won’t listen to a Christian side of things as he’s very much anti church so a Catholic counselor would not go over well with him.
I also know that when he married me he had no intention of children But I figured it was a stage. I don’t know what else he’s hidden from me. I know he does have a terrible temper. And I hate the swearing and cursing that he does.
He knows it bothers me too
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Well, some kind of good counselor who isn’t from Catholic Social Services, then.

Some things a good counselor would do would be to stop any abuse (physical or verbal) and then go from there. Even that would be a major step forward.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
If he doesn’t want kids and you do, go. If he doesn’t love you enough to make your life a good one he doesn’t deserve you.
I’m telling you, your man sounds so much like my first husband.
Don’t waste the best years of your life with him, go.
Find a real man who can love you.
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This may or may not be the right advice, but based on a few internet posts from one side I don’t think any of us should be giving it. Any such decision should be made after receiving some real professional counseling.
 
To tell you the truth I’m honestly afraid of counseling. Afraid of maybe realizing that I should leave him, afraid of him possibly getting mad that I am going or advise that he go with me, afraid that it won’t solve any problems.

I’m a bit less mopey now so I’m more clear headed.

We were so close and now that we’ve been together a short time, we’ve grown apart I feel. I knew some of the issues before I married. The porn for example. I caught him once and after telling him how I felt he vowed he would never do it again. I trusted him. Last year I caught it once again and after that I just couldn’t trust him. Then he started talking to a girl he worked with and hid it from me. I have no problem with him having friends that are girls as most of the people I get along with are male not females. But the fact that he hid it from me and didn’t want to tell me. I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me…he has been cheated on in the past and I know he was hurt so I can’t see him doing the same thing.

As for the temper…I honestly do consider it emotional and verbal abuse though I could totally be wrong. Regardless of how he meant it, I am truly and deeply hurt by it.

Me just walking out on him I don’t think will solve anything, only temporarily solve the hurt, but then I would still be hurting. Counseling may help but I am not an easy person to open up to another person. I am out of my comfort zone even now by writing this. I even hate crying in front of people. That being said I am going to look into counseling and do some research to see if it truly is the right way to approach this.

Though I am more emotionally put together now and can write this without tears forming too much, I am very upset and confused on what the right way to handle The whole situation. I know I did take a chance with him and the not wanting kids…I know a lot of guys go through a no kids stage and most grow out of it. Even with other family members and friends having babies, his mind has not changed at all. And then I also don’t want to raise a family in this toxic environment that I am living in right now.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind and I guess I am just gonna have to pray and think about it and hope I can make the right decision. I’m worried that I will make the wrong one and regret it.
 
Your husband is mentally and verbally abusive, and you deserve so much better. Don’t for a second think that you’re in the wrong for crying or being reactive. He is being downright mean to you and the general public. I would free myself from this misery maker.

It seems like he is one of those people who is just unhappy with himself and his life (not saying this is your fault as he doesn’t deserve you), and so he wants to make others around him miserable. This is a toxic kind of person; I can tell how hurt you are through your posts. There is really no reason in life to stick around someone who makes you unhappy, makes you cry, criticizes you in front of friends, lies to you, and who even treats strangers with disrespect. Do you honestly see him having some great epiphany and suddenly being nice? It rarely happens. Personally, I would say to myself, “I deserve to be happy. I deserve respect.” Then, start figuring out a way to move on with your life. He seems to have some very big issues, and it’s not fair to make yourself suffer because of it.
 
Unsungmelody said:
But the fact that he hid it from me and didn’t want to tell me. I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me…he has been cheated on in the past and I know he was hurt so I can’t see him doing the same thing.
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Eh, that does not follow.
 
Xantippe said:
Eh, that does not follow.
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He had said he thought I would be mad or jealous for having a female friend. I don’t think he would cheat. But I guess I’ve been wrong before.
From my knowledge he doesn’t keep in contact with her anymore though they are still friends on Facebook.
I don’t want to be the type of wife that doesn’t allow her husband to have female friends. As one of my best friends is a guy and I would hate for my husband to tell me I couldn’t be friends with him because of his gender.
 
I had a porn addiction not too long ago. I had to stop all by my self. I had to grow up and give women their dignity. My marrige fizzled for Manny reasons. I will pray for you!!
 
rodgerdodger said:
I had a porn addiction not too long ago. I had to stop all by my self. I had to grow up and give women their dignity. My marrige fizzled for Manny reasons. I will pray for you!!
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And that’s what I believe. He has to WANT to stop. He knows how it makes me feel…he knows that in my heart it’s cheating but he does it still, but does it behind my back thinking I wouldn’t find out. Honestly up until a week or two ago we haven’t had any type of relations in over a month. I know my husband and I know he was just getting it elsewhere. Not saying cheating, but more than likely porn.

I’m just unsure where I stand on this issue. I’ve prayed before about it but so far have gotten no answers on how I should handle this.
For the past day he’s been pleasant, not being rude or anything, but I think he knows something is bothering me. I have yet to talk to him. I wanna make sure that when we do talk I am more composed so I don’t get overly emotional, though crying will be inevitable.
 
It is okay to cry when the emotions spill over. Do not fear that.
 
I know it’s okay to cry and I do all the time lol. I’m just concerned that I’ll make the wrong choice whether it’s by staying or leaving.
If I stay things may work out but my trust in him has been greatly damaged. If he doesn’t change then I’m still getting hurt.
If I leave I’ll still feel the hurt and he will as well. So two people are hurt instead of one.

I am so consumed in thoughts on what I should do. That’s all I am worried over right now. Regardless I cannot make a hasty decision but I don’t feel okay with having relations with him while he continues to lie and watch porn behind my back and possibly growl at me for no good reasons. But then that would in essence feed that behaviour right?

I’ve had many heart to heart talks with him, it makes him stop for a short period but that’s it. I don’t want to resort to installing something blocking those websites. I shouldn’t have to be the internet police, nor do I really want to. I don’t want to be a control freak and that’s how I would feel.
How many heart to heart talks do we need? How many more will make him actually want to change?
 
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