Am I being unreasonable?

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Kiwiruckle said:
Yeah, me too. He did seem quite remorseful when I initially confronted him about what I found. But how remorseful can he really be if it happened more than once right? I want to be the forgiving type and all, but this is an area I am having difficulty moving past. I don’t want to fight the problem forever…he says he’d never take it to a physical relationship so I think he must think that he didn’t actually cheat and it felt almost the same as when my daughter’s father DID actually cheat. It was almost just as painful. He also says it won’t happen again, but it shouldn’t have happened to begin with imo.
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Getting past something that happened once is reasonable. Getting past something that has happened more than once is a bit much. Getting past the fact that he has cheated in at least one other relationship and in a relationship with you is…I can’t even think of what that is, but I wouldn’t do it. You can be the forgiving type without marrying this man. As in, forgive him and move on if you choose.

Some people really do believe that cyber sex or dirty phone conversations or even sexting is not cheating. Others think it is. Whatever you believe you have to be on the same page. And there is a difference between knowing what you did was cheating and just placating the injured party.

You said you don’t think he cheated during his first two marriages, but do you know? Have you flat out asked him? And, if you have asked him, what definition of cheating did he use to answer since he doesn’t seem to have the same definition that you do?

Have you really thought of what it will be like married to this man? How often do you spend large amounts of time with him and his kids? How much of how his life really works do you truly understand?

He has kids with other women and he’s had prior bonds with other women. You aren’t the first, second, or even third woman he attempted to spend his life with. You aren’t just marrying him, you’re marrying his kids and his exes, too. Can you really live with that and be happy?
 
MJJean said:
Getting past something that happened once is reasonable. Getting past something that has happened more than once is a bit much. Getting past the fact that he has cheated in at least one other relationship and in a relationship with you is…I can’t even think of what that is, but I wouldn’t do it. You can be the forgiving type without marrying this man. As in, forgive him and move on if you choose.

Some people really do believe that cyber sex or dirty phone conversations or even sexting is not cheating. Others think it is. Whatever you believe you have to be on the same page. And there is a difference between knowing what you did was cheating and just placating the injured party.

You said you don’t think he cheated during his first two marriages, but do you know? Have you flat out asked him? And, if you have asked him, what definition of cheating did he use to answer since he doesn’t seem to have the same definition that you do?

Have you really thought of what it will be like married to this man? How often do you spend large amounts of time with him and his kids? How much of how his life really works do you truly understand?

He has kids with other women and he’s had prior bonds with other women. You aren’t the first, second, or even third woman he attempted to spend his life with. You aren’t just marrying him, you’re marrying his kids and his exes, too. Can you really live with that and be happy?
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Fool me once: Shame on you! Fool me twice: Shame on me!

Hmmm…easier in than out, said the crab in the pot. My feeling is that if you break up with him now, OP, in a year you will feel you dodged a bullet. When the choice is “me or her” and answer is “umm…” or some other qualification, then you have your answer. This situation has “Divorce III” written all over it, and in these days when divorce can be chosen unilaterally, that is something to think about. Your intention and capacity for fidelity is not enough. I doubt if it ever was, but it certainly is not now.
 
Kiwiruckle said:
Actually, I do have a daughter. She is almost 15 and I am 40 and he is 38. I split with her father (the cheater) when she was under the age of two and didn’t date anyone until right before my current fiance and I met…just to clarify.
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Ok. Since you keep coming back to what a great guy with a big heart he is, even though everything else you post says otherwise, let me come to you from a different angle. You have a 15 yr old daughter. 15 yr olds aren’t dumb, & they are very, very observant, especially girls. This is the time of her life when she needs to see how men treat women…properly. So much of what she sees will be a huge factor into the type of boys she allows herself to be interested in. Do you want her drawn to he nice guys, or the local thugs/creeps?
 
_Jenn said:
Ok, hold on. He was married twice, but his youngest child is to a woman he never married?? Run, don’t walk, away from this. He clearly has issues with commitment, how to treat women, etc.

Your first post had me thinking “yep, she is over reacting”. My husband & I both have opposite sex friends we would hug and/or kiss on the cheek. We are both ok with that.

But then you expanded on the history. He sounds like someone who also has issues with being alone. He was dating you, but texting “dirty” with others? I don’t care if it wasn’t physical, that was cheating. He has shown you who he is. Either accept that you will always have doubts with him, or move on.

Just my $.02
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I agree. He’s been married twice, plus has had other relationships. Is “dirty” texting with other women - including strangers (!)

If nothing else - you should slow down while he has his first marriages investigated by the tribunal. If you are serious about converting and want to be serious in your marriage, he should petition for degrees of nullity for both of them. Only IF they both come through should you consider becoming engaged. You should both go through the entire pre-nuptual program offered by your parish/diocese before marriage as well.

If you are currently living together (doesn’t sound like it?), please move out until ALL of that is completed. This relationship is frought with difficulties, and while he may be a wonderful man, you need to have at least all his previous relationship things cleared up before marriage.

You should also disengage from his children calling you “mom” quite yet. They are innocent parties in his crazy relationships to date and don’t need more confusion and dissapointment. You don’t want to find yourself married to him and in a bad situation just because you feel sorry for his kids.
 
_Jenn said:
Ok. Since you keep coming back to what a great guy with a big heart he is, even though everything else you post says otherwise…
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There is no need to conclude he is a creep. Sometimes good-hearted people are very bad at being married people.
 
Repeat: Sometimes good-hearted people are very bad at being married people. This is why so many “good-hearted” people wind up divorced without hating each other, sometimes even parting company with great mutual admiration. That’s great, it is very civilized, but it is still divorced. Do you want to be the one ex of whom he thinks highly? That is nothing to aspire to, is it? If you think he’d make a good husband from someone different than you, how is he going to meet this person with you in the picture? While you’re married? That is an ugly scenario for two big-hearted people to have to go through, and be very sure: You cannot remake yourself into that person. Do not try.

OP, I’m not asking you to reject him as a person or even as a friend. I’m asking you not to marry him until he matures as a prospective husband for you. Not for someone who has different emotional patterns than you do, different tolerances than you have, and a different parenting style than you have, but a matured prospective husband for you. If there is a good husband in that big heart of his, that man is not ripe for marriage yet, at least not a marriage to you. He is simply not ready to meet your needs. That way of thinking is not on his radar. His radar is on his needs. Do not–do not!–marry him before it is. You will be doing everyone a big favor, the kids included, and I know you feel that deep in your bones. Do not ignore that feeling.

I don’t want to make him out to be a bad guy. Maybe his radar is simply tuned to someone with different needs than you have. That would be OK. Most great husbands I know would not be great husbands for me!! Still, it is not in the least selfish to see that the elements of a good marriage are lacking in the relationship you describe. Vows, even vows taken in good faith on both sides, will not mend that. Unfortunately, vows will only prove that.
 
Thank you all for your prayers and support. I appreciate all the prayers I can get.I guess I came here for impartial advice because friends will tell you what they think you want to hear and strangers will tell you the truth. I think if it weren’t for those kids, I would have walked away at the beginning of the mess instead of trying to work through it.

Initially, he seemed to be an answer to my prayers. I had feelings for a friend that wasn’t interested and I prayed that the right man would cross my path so I could get over my one sided situation. We met online and hit it off great once we decided to meet in person. It was great right up until the one year mark, he had moved into his sister’s house (as a rental) which was chaos because she left half her stuff there (it’s still getting sorted) then he started school. We’re mostly happy until something triggers my distrust. At this point, just his phone constantly going off is irritating me because I just don’t understand the need to text this woman all day long. But then I am the unreasonable one because he can’t make new friends because I don’t trust him. It’s all very frustrating.

I am going to take it super slow. Go through some counseling and the marriage prep and wait for his paperwork on the previous marriages to go through and make the final decision from there I think. I don’t think he’s a bad man, I think he’s just messed up from war and his bad marriages. I need to sit back and determine if he is capable of being a good husband before actually following through with it. All the prayers I can get would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all so much for your time, prayers and thoughts. I appreciate it.
 
Kiwiruckle said:
Thank you all for your prayers and support. I appreciate all the prayers I can get.I guess I came here for impartial advice because friends will tell you what they think you want to hear and strangers will tell you the truth. I think if it weren’t for those kids, I would have walked away at the beginning of the mess instead of trying to work through it.

Initially, he seemed to be an answer to my prayers. I had feelings for a friend that wasn’t interested and I prayed that the right man would cross my path so I could get over my one sided situation. We met online and hit it off great once we decided to meet in person. It was great right up until the one year mark, he had moved into his sister’s house (as a rental) which was chaos because she left half her stuff there (it’s still getting sorted) then he started school. We’re mostly happy until something triggers my distrust. At this point, just his phone constantly going off is irritating me because I just don’t understand the need to text this woman all day long. But then I am the unreasonable one because he can’t make new friends because I don’t trust him. It’s all very frustrating.

I am going to take it super slow. Go through some counseling and the marriage prep and wait for his paperwork on the previous marriages to go through and make the final decision from there I think. I don’t think he’s a bad man, I think he’s just messed up from war and his bad marriages. I need to sit back and determine if he is capable of being a good husband before actually following through with it. All the prayers I can get would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all so much for your time, prayers and thoughts. I appreciate it.
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Your plan sounds very sensible–and I do mean very sensible–except the part about staying for the sake of the kids. Do you picture yourself as their rescuer? 🤷

If you would not stay with him if his children were living with one of the mothers, then do not stay. In that case, he is not the right man, period. Staying out of a sense of obligation to his children or (worse yet) pity for them is more likely than not to put them through more trouble and emotional upset in the end, not less. Do not flatter yourself on that point. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear because you are making your effort on behalf of a child. Do not go there.
 
EasterJoy said:
Your plan sounds very sensible–and I do mean very sensible–except the part about staying for the sake of the kids. Do you picture yourself as their rescuer? 🤷

If you would not stay with him if his children were living with one of the mothers, then do not stay. In that case, he is not the right man, period. Staying out of a sense of obligation to his children or (worse yet) pity for them is more likely than not to put them through more trouble and emotional upset in the end, not less. Do not flatter yourself on that point. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear because you are making your effort on behalf of a child. Do not go there.
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No, I am not their rescuer. They are just very attached. I would probably be happier with them at their mom’s than I am now actually because they are difficult. They are sweet kids, but have no manners and fight, whine, and yell a lot. They need help. They have had too many women in and out of their lives and a man that is not qualified to raise kids alone. (Not that he is bad, just that there are too many and he’s got his own issues from Iraq) I am close to his 15 year old son. He talks to me a lot. When I first met him, he was real stand offish and I have since learned it was because he didn’t think I’d be around long. He was surprised that I stuck around as long as I have (I bet everyone thinks I should take that as a warning and go) but, there is way more to our relationship than the problems we’ve had recently. I love him and we do encourage each other to improve and we do actually work on our issues. So, it’s just a matter of can he really stay faithful? I am hoping we can address our issues at counseling. I won’t marry him if I continue to feel like I do and he keeps doing things that trigger my insecurities and distrust and jealousy.

So I should not factor in that 6 other people are going to be hurt if I decide to walk away? Three of which have already been abandoned by a Mother and multiple other women.They have no Grandparents. It’s hard for me not to figure them in when they’ve become so much of my life. It’s never just been about me and him.

Sighs

It’s very confusing. I see the potential and I want it. I just don’t know if we can really obtain it.
 
Basically then you feel obliged stay together for the sake of the children as many women have done.
By the sound of things, on balance, you’d otherwise leave.

What you appear to be facing is that the children’s welfare and possibly their future outlooks and relationships may suffer if you don’t remain, and so you have to face the consideration whether to just accept sacrificially that you are unlikely to have a very satisfying marriage. Many people don’t have ideal marriages, but how you handle it will determine whether you allow an (intermittently) unsatisfactory marriage affect you and the children. You can allow the flaws and unfaithful tendencies to bother you or accept them as the price for the children’s welfare as you appear to be the only woman in their lives who cares about them in a practical manner.

This appears to be the dilemma that you face, as have so many women before you, except that you’re walking into the marriage whilst many are already trapped in marriages with unsatisfactory partners. Your situation is not so different with regard to the children, as you committed to mothering them long enough to have won the trust even of the 15 year old boy.

If you were my daughter I’d be very unhappy about your situation. However I also would be worried about the children.

God grant you the grace to carry through all that is required of you.
 
Kiwiruckle said:
No, I am not their rescuer. They are just very attached. I would probably be happier with them at their mom’s than I am now actually because they are difficult. They are sweet kids, but have no manners and fight, whine, and yell a lot. They need help. They have had too many women in and out of their lives and a man that is not qualified to raise kids alone. (Not that he is bad, just that there are too many and he’s got his own issues from Iraq) I am close to his 15 year old son. He talks to me a lot. When I first met him, he was real stand offish and I have since learned it was because he didn’t think I’d be around long. He was surprised that I stuck around as long as I have (I bet everyone thinks I should take that as a warning and go) but, there is way more to our relationship than the problems we’ve had recently. I love him and we do encourage each other to improve and we do actually work on our issues. So, it’s just a matter of can he really stay faithful? I am hoping we can address our issues at counseling. I won’t marry him if I continue to feel like I do and he keeps doing things that trigger my insecurities and distrust and jealousy.

So I should not factor in that 6 other people are going to be hurt if I decide to walk away? Three of which have already been abandoned by a Mother and multiple other women.They have no Grandparents. It’s hard for me not to figure them in when they’ve become so much of my life. It’s never just been about me and him.

Sighs

It’s very confusing. I see the potential and I want it. I just don’t know if we can really obtain it.
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Sigh…this is why it is not a good idea to let the children of the man you are dating call you “Mom”. That, however, is water under the bridge, to some extent. No one ever does a courtship perfectly–not a courtship, of all things!!

A marriage is never about just the two people–if you marry, you will be marrying this whole cast of characters, be sure of that!–but if the two people don’t make a marriage, the marriage will not make those their marriage touches better off. If you leave before you marry, that is nothing compared to leaving after you do. It only makes for a bigger train wreck.

Let go of this “triggering my insecurities” way of speaking about this, by the way. You are not getting upset because he talks to waitresses or doesn’t want you calling him five times a day at work. You have a boundary that says you do not tolerate kissing other women, flirting with other women, privately texting other women, and so on. These are reasonable boundaries. They are tighter than some women have, but they are reasonable. More to the point, they are your reasonable boundaries, and they have been ever since you let him know what your boundaries are. Don’t compromise them and do not apologize for them.

Be open with the children that you and their father have not decided to marry. Do not encourage them to count their chickens–their mother, in this case–before they are hatched. You have to enter this marriage freely, not coerced by what someone else expects you to do: not his expectations, not his children’s expectations, not your children’s expectations.

Your plan to have personal private counseling to get through this is a very good one. Be honest with yourself, this fellow, and his children, though: a marriage has not been concretely proposed, and it is not a done deal. This is the courtship stage, and as fond as the feelings get, there are no guarantees. That is life. Don’t try to fake it for these kids, and then find you have to let them down later. Give only what is appropriate for now, no matter how much you all want more.
 
AussieTrish said:
Basically then you feel obliged stay together for the sake of the children as many women have done.
By the sound of things, on balance, you’d otherwise leave.

What you appear to be facing is that the children’s welfare and possibly their future outlooks and relationships may suffer if you don’t remain, and so you have to face the consideration whether to just accept sacrificially that you are unlikely to have a very satisfying marriage. Many people don’t have ideal marriages, but how you handle it will determine whether you allow an (intermittently) unsatisfactory marriage affect you and the children. You can allow the flaws and unfaithful tendencies to bother you or accept them as the price for the children’s welfare as you appear to be the only woman in their lives who cares about them in a practical manner.

This appears to be the dilemma that you face, as have so many women before you, except that you’re walking into the marriage whilst many are already trapped in marriages with unsatisfactory partners. Your situation is not so different with regard to the children, as you committed to mothering them long enough to have won the trust even of the 15 year old boy.

If you were my daughter I’d be very unhappy about your situation. However I also would be worried about the children.

God grant you the grace to carry through all that is required of you.
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I think you may have hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I think if we can work past this, we can have a good life. Not perfect by any means, but who’s is really in our fallen world? At his last major screw up I told him that his actions showed that I loved his kids more than he did because when it had happened before, I had asked him what he would advise me to do if I was a friend in this circumstance. He said he’d tell me to think of the kids. I did. I stuck around even though I had every right to go. So while I was thinking about his kids the second time around, he wasn’t. He asked what he needed to do to make it right. He cried like a baby and seemed very remorseful.

I guess all I can do is wait and see what plays out. I can pray for him and ask others to do the same. I can ask for prayers for myself and the kids. I knew going in that getting involved with him with all these kids would be a challenge so now I have to decide if I’m up to the challenge or if it’s better for me to walk away. I don’t think he’ll find a better woman willing to take this on… it’s not conceit, I just know my worth. I could find better circumstances probably but I’m not sure I’ll find someone that loves me more. I know he’s not exactly demonstrated that, but he’s just a sinner like the rest of us. He’s screwed up but genuinely seems to not want to. I guess we’ll see where it goes. =/
 
Kiwiruckle said:
I think you may have hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I think if we can work past this, we can have a good life. Not perfect by any means, but who’s is really in our fallen world? At his last major screw up I told him that his actions showed that I loved his kids more than he did because when it had happened before, I had asked him what he would advise me to do if I was a friend in this circumstance. He said he’d tell me to think of the kids. I did. I stuck around even though I had every right to go. So while I was thinking about his kids the second time around, he wasn’t. He asked what he needed to do to make it right. He cried like a baby and seemed very remorseful.

I guess all I can do is wait and see what plays out. I can pray for him and ask others to do the same. I can ask for prayers for myself and the kids. I knew going in that getting involved with him with all these kids would be a challenge so now I have to decide if I’m up to the challenge or if it’s better for me to walk away. I don’t think he’ll find a better woman willing to take this on… it’s not conceit, I just know my worth. I could find better circumstances probably but I’m not sure I’ll find someone that loves me more. I know he’s not exactly demonstrated that, but he’s just a sinner like the rest of us. He’s screwed up but genuinely seems to not want to. I guess we’ll see where it goes. =/
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Umm, paragraph one is classic manipulation. And it worked. You fell for it. I, for one, would be absolutely furious if the man I had been involved with had the unmitigated gall to tell me to think of ***his ***kids after he betrayed me…the first time…that I know of.

Frankly, I don’t know how you aren’t spending every moment that you’re at his house searching through his computer, phone, closets and drawers to see what he’s up to now. I’d be awfully suspicious at the never ending texting with other women. Like, raving lunatic suspicious. Like, nanny cams, key loggers, and hidden microphones suspicious.

If you truly knew your worth you’d have left months ago.

Now, here’s a practical concern. It takes between 12-18 months for a typical annulment case to be processed with no guarantee that the marriage will be found invalid. I don’t know how much extra time it takes if the Tribunal is investigating two former marriages. The longer you stay, the more the kids become attached and view you as their mother. If the marriages aren’t declared null, you cannot validly marry this man in the eyes of God. if the marriages are declared null and he continues to behave the way he does, what are you going to do? Marry him and sacrifice the rest of your life so that you can cleanup the mess he and his exes made of their and their kids lives? Turn a blind eye to his philandering so that you can clean his house, raise his kids, and struggle every day with responsibilities that aren’t yours?
 
Kiwiruckle said:
I don’t think he’ll find a better woman willing to take this on… it’s not conceit, I just know my worth. I could find better circumstances probably but I’m not sure I’ll find someone that loves me more. I know he’s not exactly demonstrated that, but he’s just a sinner like the rest of us. He’s screwed up but genuinely seems to not want to. I guess we’ll see where it goes. =/
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He may wish to change when he’s caught out, that could be genuine, or a way to hang on to you, but even if genuine, you can’t be sure. If he has a 15 year old son, he can’t be very young, but should have had enough time to mature by now. Trust is an important ingredient of love and marriage, but you cannot trust him as is abundantly evidenced by what you have shared

I agree he is lucky to have you, but I dislike your saying you couldn’t find someone who loves you more. It shows you actually don’t know your worth as a child of God after all, I’m afraid! We don’t have to be beautiful or talented to be truly loved. Why would you not believe you are worth genuine love of a good man?

For one thing, he doesn’t love you much, but does see you are a great asset, eg, regarding tolerating his times of serious bad behavior, and as the solution to care of his children, but he doesn’t love and respect you very much or he wouldn’t be careless of your feelings with a wandering eye.

The fact that you haven’t found someone who truly loves and respects you doesn’t mean there isn’t someone who will, which you most certainly deserve as a loved child of God.

Is there not a possibility that you could be a loved honorary aunt, there for the children to turn to when they need to talk or to feel valued? Would this man block your being this for his children if you choose not to marry him, dependent upon annulments, an excelent point raised by MJJean.

Certainly I’ll be praying for you all.
 
Kiwiruckle said:
We’re mostly happy until something triggers my distrust. At this point, just his phone constantly going off is irritating me because I just don’t understand the need to text this woman all day long. But then I am the unreasonable one because he can’t make new friends because I don’t trust him. .
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I think that after you begin to get counseling for yourself, you will see that your feelings about his behaviors are not fully about flaws or fears or insecurities within you that are “triggered”. What makes you think you are unreasonable to feel the feelings you feel or to express them? Is it you? Is it something he says?

I think you are completely reasonable to not understand him texting this woman all day long or at all, for that matter. I would not like it, nor would any woman I know or have known. You are not reacting to a trigger within you. You are reacting to his choice. It is independent of you. It does not feel good, though. Part of the reason it does not feel good is because he chooses to do something he knows you don’t want and that hurts.

He most certainly can have friends! He can watch football or baseball with guys, or whatever the guys he knows like to do (with the exception of strip joints and pick up bars). Texting other women is out of the question. Guys know that. Thems the rules.
 
Now I’m even more sad and confused. It’s like the more I try to explain, the worse it seems and that’s a hard thing to face. What if he just screwed up out of fear and I go and leave and it could have been something worthwhile? I just don’t know what to do. Seems like no matter what I do someone gets hurts. I get hurt either way.
 
Dear one, I can only pray that God will give you clarity and peace, and will give healing where it is needed, and the guidance and direction that you desperately need.
Hugs, Trish
You’re a kind and very special person
 
However it’s unlikely he’s texting out “of fear”, as you suggest. Why should he. You’re there. A man’s eyes wander because he wants the attention and affection of someone else. It’s about his self-perceived ‘needs’, not fear. The other woman knows he engaged? How pure are her intentions that she would text him a lot each day? How pure are his that he would persist in this, then say you won’t let him have friends (which has the effect of making you feel unjustifiably guilty. To make you feel responsible and guilty seems one of his ways of managing you).

It isn’t that you won’t let him have male or female friends, its that you don’t want him to have other girlfriends. Texting someone repeatedly from a recreation activity isn’t like business calls…which shouldn’t intrude like that anyway…but is treating her like a girlfriend. The thing is, now you probably never will be able to feel secure about him and other women. The least thing will cause you anxiety and uneasiness, now, and in the future.
Trust is not easily regained.

If you marry him you need at least to be aware of the truth so that you are not emotionally bleeding to death over unrealistic hopes, but can retain some detached judgement and self-respect. There may be some little element of the spoiled child in him, that gets what he wants and pouts, cries, promises, and manipulates others when he’s caught out, so the question is can you handle that and know you don’t have an equal relationship but get on with it. It’s not how marriage is meant to be though lots of partners find themselves in this kind of situation. Some put up with it, some leave. I guess you need to know what you’re capable of. You also need to know if you can handle loving more than you are loved and respected in return, and accept him faults and all, knowing/suspecting that it may perhaps not get better than it is now whilst praying it will.
 
Kiwiruckle said:
Now I’m even more sad and confused. It’s like the more I try to explain, the worse it seems and that’s a hard thing to face. What if he just screwed up out of fear and I go and leave and it could have been something worthwhile? I just don’t know what to do. Seems like no matter what I do someone gets hurts. I get hurt either way.
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I think you are mainly confused, and you are confronting some difficult things. You have quite a task before you, if you are going to make this work. Whatever you do, it will be the path that takes courage that will be the best for everyone.

As the saying goes, the coward dies a thousand deaths; the brave man dies but once. If you go through life trying to evade giving or receiving pain, you are pretty much doomed. You will not only fail in evading pain. You will fail at most other things you put your hand to, as well. You certainly can’t be a parent. As someone put it, courage is not a virtue all its own. Courage is virtue that does not fail at its testing point. The idea is to do the right thing for the right reasons instead of out of fear or guilt. Do not beat yourself up, though. Courage is not a you-have-it-or-you-don’t virtue. It isn’t something you are born with or born without. It is something that you can grow.

For instance: what to do about the original problem? What to do when he acts in a way with other women that you have told him is inappropriate, and he defends it and does it, anyway?

Let us say that he dallies with other women out of fear. We can feel sorry for him, but there is no future with a man who does not maintain his fidelity even when he is afraid. He’s in the military; he knows this! When someone abandons his comrades because the bullets are flying and he’s afraid of dying, that’s totally understandable, but it is not acceptable. This is where you are. He may do all sorts of things that can be understood and forgiven, but that doesn’t mean a relationship of trust is possible just because you’re willing to be compassionate about his faulty way of dealing with fear. You need to be able to trust him. That isn’t something you can just decide you don’t need. If you don’t need him to be faithful, you don’t need him. If that is not building on sand, I don’t know what is.

I think it is a good idea to hold off on the engagement. Do not set a date, do not get into this any more than you have, for everyone’s sake. Call a great big time out. Get some counseling for yourself, and in that talking and discussing, learn where your boundaries are. Identify what communication styles and strategies he uses, what you use, and what you ought to do to see if it is possible for the two of you to get on the same page.

If he says he can’t take that, let him go. If you hope he calls back, don’t change your phone number. Otherwise, though, let him have his space.
 
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