Am I Destroying My Marriage?

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TeresaElizabeth

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My husband and I have been married for over five years, and we have four children five and under, including a newborn. When we married, we were agreed on raising our children in the Faith and on NFP.
Since then, my husband has left the Church and become a very angry person. He started using marijuana of and on about the years ago. He will not seek help to totally break free, even though it makes him violent and unpredictable. He does not harm me physically.
At the end of May, less than a month after our fourth child was born, my sister came to visit. My husband took her on a motorcycle ride to see our town. The next day, my sister told me that my husband made several attempts to either touch her inappropriately or put her hand in inappropriate places. He denied it when I spoke with him as my priest advised. After my sister went home, she waited several weeks to tell me that the day after the first incident, my husband attempted to kiss her twice and basically tried to seduce her. He admitted this to me.
He told me he has been angry with me because his mother broke ties with us, blaming me. She is also a very bitter person and currently doesn’t speak to ask of her daughter in laws, several neighbors, and members of her own family. I admit that I wasn’t perfect (she was living with us and I cleaned things without her permission), but I didn’t do anything that deserved this. He also said his stress is high and I don’t keep the house clean enough for him.
He hardly ever kissed me or initiated the marital embrace before the baby was born, and now he is angry because I won’t use birth control.
I don’t trust him at all now, I feel angry and depressed and frustrated because he won’t communicate with me at all. I ask him questions, suggest getting help for us. And he shuts me off. He complains when NFP gives us a red light for the postpartum period and ignores me when it is a green light.
He swears so much and makes violent comments about burning all the Churches one day, about starting a war between the US and another country, about wanting vengeance on corrupt politicians.
He leaves the children almost completely to me. The night of the day a baby is born, I am responsible for putting the children to bed.
He is not the man I married.
I have spoken with priests and they tell me to see expensive counselors or to work together as a couple (my husband doesn’t think he needs help).

I have been watching him and letting my lack of confidence grow. I don’t have even a smidge of romantic desire for him or even love (apart from Christian love). I hurt. And I’m scared of having more children with him. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose the possibility that God could heal our marriage.
Am I destroying my marriage by dwelling on negative thoughts? Is this a spiritual battle that to take me out of our marriage? Or am I staying in a harmful, void marriage?
 
I’m very sorry you are going through this. Frankly, he sounds mentally ill. Is he able to hold down a decent job? Is his marijuana use increasing?

I don’t know what to say, other than that if he refuses to seek help in the form of counseling, you may need to leave.
 
TeresaElizabeth said:
My husband and I have been married for over five years, and we have four children five and under, including a newborn. When we married, we were agreed on raising our children in the Faith and on NFP.
Since then, my husband has left the Church and become a very angry person. He started using marijuana of and on about the years ago. He will not seek help to totally break free, even though it makes him violent and unpredictable. He does not harm me physically.
At the end of May, less than a month after our fourth child was born, my sister came to visit. My husband took her on a motorcycle ride to see our town. The next day, my sister told me that my husband made several attempts to either touch her inappropriately or put her hand in inappropriate places. He denied it when I spoke with him as my priest advised. After my sister went home, she waited several weeks to tell me that the day after the first incident, my husband attempted to kiss her twice and basically tried to seduce her. He admitted this to me.
He told me he has been angry with me because his mother broke ties with us, blaming me. She is also a very bitter person and currently doesn’t speak to ask of her daughter in laws, several neighbors, and members of her own family. I admit that I wasn’t perfect (she was living with us and I cleaned things without her permission), but I didn’t do anything that deserved this. He also said his stress is high and I don’t keep the house clean enough for him.
He hardly ever kissed me or initiated the marital embrace before the baby was born, and now he is angry because I won’t use birth control.
I don’t trust him at all now, I feel angry and depressed and frustrated because he won’t communicate with me at all. I ask him questions, suggest getting help for us. And he shuts me off. He complains when NFP gives us a red light for the postpartum period and ignores me when it is a green light.
He swears so much and makes violent comments about burning all the Churches one day, about starting a war between the US and another country, about wanting vengeance on corrupt politicians.
He leaves the children almost completely to me. The night of the day a baby is born, I am responsible for putting the children to bed.
He is not the man I married.
I have spoken with priests and they tell me to see expensive counselors or to work together as a couple (my husband doesn’t think he needs help).

I have been watching him and letting my lack of confidence grow. I don’t have even a smidge of romantic desire for him or even love (apart from Christian love). I hurt. And I’m scared of having more children with him. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose the possibility that God could heal our marriage.
Am I destroying my marriage by dwelling on negative thoughts? Is this a spiritual battle that to take me out of our marriage? Or am I staying in a harmful, void marriage?
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Absolutely baffled on how YOU could be destroying the marriage based on your post. Is there something else you are not mentioning?
 
It’s good that you get your thoughts out and don’t let them consume you. Things may seem drastically different tomorrow or even an hour from now. Pray.

Your diocese may offer discounted counselors like mine does. It was $45 per 1-hour visit. Well worth it. Your marriage and mental health are worth far more. Maybe cut some things out or do some extra work to pay for it. Maybe ask your relatives to help pay for it and leave out the details.

If you can’t go to counseling, ask him if he would be willing to talk to a trusted third party, a friend. A priest or deacon would be preferred, of course.

He/you may need someone else to talk to about life and marriage. When we get too isolated, we can do very destructive things.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
I’m very sorry you are going through this. **Frankly, he sounds mentally ill. **

I don’t know what to say, other than that if he refuses to seek help in the form of counseling, you may need to leave.
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Agree with all of this. This man is not well. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It is not your fault - his behavior is way outside the pale of someone who is just having a dispute with a spouse.

And no, YOU are not destroying your marriage, unless you have left a whole lot of stuff out of this post.
 
So sorry you are going through this.
If this man has become dangerous to you or the children, then leave. That might be the shake up he needs. If not, then maybe you can work on becoming able to leave in the future if necessary. Find out your legal rights regarding child support etc… You can’t make him shape up. He’s the only one who can. You need some support from family and friends or someone in the church who understands the nitty gritty of what you are going through. Bless you.
 
Did you all plan in advance to have 4 kids in 5 years? Having kids myself and knowing the stresses they bring with them, I can imagine having that many little ones in such a short space of time might have sent him off the deep end. Particularly if he wasn’t ready for everything they entail and the pressures that compound the more kids you have.
 
Does he have a physician? Giving the physician a head’s up on his behavior and asking if he can schedule an appointment may be helpful. The physician can do a checkup and go from there, perhaps referring him to a specialist or recommending treatment plans. There may be a mental health disorder or depression that manifested under stress (hence the anger, erratic behavior and violent political scenarios) and he is trying to self-medicate with marijuana.

If he does get serious about the violent political scenarios, such as burning down a church, call the police as they are trained to handle this; of course mention his unstable behavior. Sometimes giving them a head’s up in advance (such as calling or visiting them not in crisis mode) can calm a situation that may otherwise have a bad turnout.

Remember you are doing this out of love! Some women think they are ratting out their husbands but they are really looking out for the health and wellbeing of their husband, self AND kids… and possibly many other people.
 
TeresaElizabeth said:
My husband and I have been married for over five years, and we have four children five and under, including a newborn. When we married, we were agreed on raising our children in the Faith and on NFP.
Since then, my husband has left the Church and become a very angry person. He started using marijuana of and on about the years ago. He will not seek help to totally break free, even though it makes him violent and unpredictable. He does not harm me physically.
At the end of May, less than a month after our fourth child was born, my sister came to visit. My husband took her on a motorcycle ride to see our town. The next day, my sister told me that my husband made several attempts to either touch her inappropriately or put her hand in inappropriate places. He denied it when I spoke with him as my priest advised. After my sister went home, she waited several weeks to tell me that the day after the first incident, my husband attempted to kiss her twice and basically tried to seduce her. He admitted this to me.
He told me he has been angry with me because his mother broke ties with us, blaming me. She is also a very bitter person and currently doesn’t speak to ask of her daughter in laws, several neighbors, and members of her own family. I admit that I wasn’t perfect (she was living with us and I cleaned things without her permission), but I didn’t do anything that deserved this. He also said his stress is high and I don’t keep the house clean enough for him.
He hardly ever kissed me or initiated the marital embrace before the baby was born, and now he is angry because I won’t use birth control.
I don’t trust him at all now, I feel angry and depressed and frustrated because he won’t communicate with me at all. I ask him questions, suggest getting help for us. And he shuts me off. He complains when NFP gives us a red light for the postpartum period and ignores me when it is a green light.
He swears so much and makes violent comments about burning all the Churches one day, about starting a war between the US and another country, about wanting vengeance on corrupt politicians.
He leaves the children almost completely to me. The night of the day a baby is born, I am responsible for putting the children to bed.
He is not the man I married.
I have spoken with priests and they tell me to see expensive counselors or to work together as a couple (my husband doesn’t think he needs help).

I have been watching him and letting my lack of confidence grow. I don’t have even a smidge of romantic desire for him or even love (apart from Christian love). I hurt. And I’m scared of having more children with him. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose the possibility that God could heal our marriage.
Am I destroying my marriage by dwelling on negative thoughts? Is this a spiritual battle that to take me out of our marriage? Or am I staying in a harmful, void marriage?
Click to expand...
From the way you put it, it sounds like its your husband who is risking destroying the marriage. Making a play for your sister is quite appalling. How much is he smoking dope? Dope makes you paranoid, see conspiracies, misconstrue comments etc. Very easily. Its effects can be fairly long lasting on very little as well. I’m not totally anti dope, but it’s probably a far worse influence than booze in tense situations 😦
 
As others have said, it is not you that is destroying the marriage.

If he refuses to get help, you need to at least get help for yourself. As John suggested above, your diocese (usually through the Catholic Charities office) is a good place to contact about getting counseling services for free or for reduced fees. I would encourage you to start there.

Praying for you.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
I’m very sorry you are going through this. Frankly, he sounds mentally ill. Is he able to hold down a decent job? Is his marijuana use increasing?

I don’t know what to say, other than that if he refuses to seek help in the form of counseling, you may need to leave.
Click to expand...
He does move about from job to job frequently, something that surprises me since he had had only one steady job for five years.

He says he will get off the marijuana and does…for a while. I think he is back on now, since he had started laughing for no reason again. He denies it, but, sadly, he lies to me as well.
 
macstar said:
Does he have a physician? Giving the physician a head’s up on his behavior and asking if he can schedule an appointment may be helpful. The physician can do a checkup and go from there, perhaps referring him to a specialist or recommending treatment plans. There may be a mental health disorder or depression that manifested under stress (hence the anger, erratic behavior and violent political scenarios) and he is trying to self-medicate with marijuana.

If he does get serious about the violent political scenarios, such as burning down a church, call the police as they are trained to handle this; of course mention his unstable behavior. Sometimes giving them a head’s up in advance (such as calling or visiting them not in crisis mode) can calm a situation that may otherwise have a bad turnout.

Remember you are doing this out of love! Some women think they are ratting out their husbands but they are really looking out for the health and wellbeing of their husband, self AND kids… and possibly many other people.
Click to expand...
I think his comments are just blowing off steam and trying to get under my skin, but they do speak of a very real anger problem. But like I said, he won’t get help. Machismo is alive and well.
 
Padres1969 said:
Did you all plan in advance to have 4 kids in 5 years? Having kids myself and knowing the stresses they bring with them, I can imagine having that many little ones in such a short space of time might have sent him off the deep end. Particularly if he wasn’t ready for everything they entail and the pressures that compound the more kids you have.
Click to expand...
No, they were not planned. He doesn’t participate in NFP, and that makes avoiding pregnancy difficult.
 
TeresaElizabeth said:
My husband and I have been married for over five years, and we have four children five and under, including a newborn. When we married, we were agreed on raising our children in the Faith and on NFP.
Since then, **my husband has left the Church and become a very angry person. **He started **using marijuana of and on about the years ago. He will not seek help to totally break free, even though it makes him violent and unpredictable. He does not harm me physically.
At the end of May, less than a month after our fourth child was born, my sister came to visit. My husband took her on a motorcycle ride to see our town. The next day, my sister told me that my husband made several attempts to either touch her inappropriately or put her hand in inappropriate places. He denied it when I spoke with him as my priest advised. After my sister went home, she waited several weeks to tell me that the day after the first incident, my husband attempted to kiss her twice and basically tried to seduce her. **He admitted this to me.
He told me he has been angry with me because his mother broke ties with us, blaming me. She is also a very bitter person and currently doesn’t speak to ask of her daughter in laws, several neighbors, and members of her own family. I admit that I wasn’t perfect (she was living with us and I cleaned things without her permission), but I didn’t do anything that deserved this. He also said his stress is high and I don’t keep the house clean enough for him.
He hardly ever kissed me or initiated the marital embrace before the baby was born, and now he is angry because I won’t use birth control.
I don’t trust him at all now, I feel angry and depressed and frustrated because he won’t communicate with me at all. I ask him questions, suggest getting help for us. And he shuts me off. He complains when NFP gives us a red light for the postpartum period and ignores me when it is a green light.
**He swears so much and makes violent comments about burning all the Churches one day, about starting a war between the US and another country, about wanting vengeance on corrupt politicians. **
He leaves the children almost completely to me. **The night of the day a baby is born, I am responsible for putting the children to bed. **
He is not the man I married.
I have spoken with priests and they tell me to see expensive counselors or to work together as a couple (my husband doesn’t think he needs help).

I have been watching him and letting my lack of confidence grow. I don’t have even a smidge of romantic desire for him or even love (apart from Christian love). I hurt. And I’m scared of having more children with him. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose the possibility that God could heal our marriage.
Am I destroying my marriage by dwelling on negative thoughts? Is this a spiritual battle that to take me out of our marriage? Or am I staying in a harmful, void marriage?
Click to expand...
Look at what I’ve bolded. That is what has destroyed the marriage, NOT your negative thoughts. To answer your last sentence, yes, it is a harmful, void marriage.
 
If you are in RCIA you are likely seeing the priest OFTEN, and at the Church OFTEN.

TELL HIM.
Ask for help. Get counseling, and remove yourself and the kids from harm.
The parish has avenues to help you.
 
Padres1969 said:
Did you all plan in advance to have 4 kids in 5 years? Having kids myself and knowing the stresses they bring with them, I can imagine having that many little ones in such a short space of time might have sent him off the deep end. Particularly if he wasn’t ready for everything they entail and the pressures that compound the more kids you have.
Click to expand...
I agree that that many small children in that time span would be stressful but the fact of the matter is that they are here now. This post is not helpful. Making passes at someone other than your wife and using dope to cope is no way to help out the situation.

I might agree he needs to get help or she needs to have him leave until he can quit using illegal drugs and seducing other women.
 
i suggest speaking to your priest. I have had countless stories from women in your similar situation.
the thing about men like these is that they never get better - they get worse with and more abusive. he could be putting your life in danger.

the Church does not advocate women remain in an abusive and dangerous marriages.

you are overreacting - good, honourable men exist - he is not one of such.

please, speak to your priest
 
It makes him violent and unpredictable???

Oh girlfriend. :nope: Don’t even take that for one minute! You have every right to separate and demand he go to counseling.
 
MaryT777 said:
I agree that that many small children in that time span would be stressful but the fact of the matter is that they are here now. This post is not helpful. Making passes at someone other than your wife and using dope to cope is no way to help out the situation.

I might agree he needs to get help or she needs to have him leave until he can quit using illegal drugs and seducing other women.
Click to expand...
Yes, I agree. It is completely unfair to blame bad coping skills on innocent children. Many of us had that many children (or more) close together early in marriage. Often they are unplanned. Most of us don’t start using marijuana, losing jobs, becoming violent, of anything even close to that. If he was unprepared and therefore couldn’t cope without drugs or drinking, I dare say any unforeseen hard time would have caused the same reaction. Bad parental behavior and poor coping skills are never the fault of the children. It should never be made out to be that way either.
 
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