Am I gay? If so, what do I do about it? How do I live like this for the rest of my life?

[Cricket2]

I don’t think anyone on this forum can answer this for you. I would suggest some objective medical counseling about this, not just advise from a priest.

If you are gay, and you wish to live according to the teachings of the Church, you are correct to see single life as your calling, and celibacy. But again, I think talking to someone who can listen to you and your experiences in an objective manner would be very helpful.

 

[BeingSaved]

P.S. If you weren’t raised Catholic, were you raised in a Protestant Christian home?

The friend I have I told you about, was raised Protestant and Christian by a mom and dad, the dad was kind of oppressive, over-bearing. She later told me that she thinks she reacted to him by rebelling against everything he taught and stood for,…to give her a chance to stand on her own feet, have her own opinions, etc. He was wrong in how he treated her, and should have allowed her more voice and had more communication with her.

Because we are spirit soul and body entertwined, everything about how we are raised, and the relationships we have with mom and dad effect everything else.

Anything between your Dad and you, will effect how you relate to men. For ie. if you Dad was absent, through divorce, etc. everything effects,…

My female friend who actually went ahead and got right into a sex. relationship,…because of what she told me about how she was and is, I completely agree with her, that she was never homosexual, and never even bisexual, even though she was in a sexually intimate relationship with a female for several years.
Today, she is not tempted by any female anything,…

You see we all have mothers and fathers, along the varying scale of great to terrible,.and this has effected us in body soul and spirit.

Esp. there is an effect if a Dad, or brother, or male relative was inappropriate toward a
growing female in the home. It can even be under the surface, no outright sexual advances, but maybe through what is said, or vibes, if a male family member has been inappropriate toward a female, the female may shut off their sexuality in response,.etc.
there are all kinds of variations, we are complex,…

the VERY LAST ON THE LIST IS HOMOSEXUALITY, AS THERE IS A VERY M I N U T E PERCENT OF THE POPULATION WHO ACTUALLY ARE,…
I AM CONVINCED, YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM!! TRULY.!

 

[hatchets]

P.S. If you weren’t raised Catholic, were you raised in a Protestant Christian home?

. . .

Anything between your Dad and you, will effect how you relate to men. For ie. if you Dad was absent, through divorce, etc. everything effects,…

. . .

Esp. there is an effect if a Dad, or brother, or male relative was inappropriate toward a
growing female in the home. It can even be under the surface, no outright sexual advances, but maybe through what is said, or vibes, if a male family member has been inappropriate toward a female, the female may shut off their sexuality in response,.etc.
there are all kinds of variations, we are complex,…

the VERY LAST ON THE LIST IS HOMOSEXUALITY, AS THERE IS A VERY M I N U T E PERCENT OF THE POPULATION WHO ACTUALLY ARE,…
I AM CONVINCED, YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM!! TRULY.!

I was raised in a family that professed protestant Christianity but did not practice it except on Sunday mornings.

And NO. My male relatives and friends did NOT abuse me.

If you’re going to continue to make such horrendous assumptions about the people close to me then please stop replying. It is very offensive and is just making me angry. It is NOT helping.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

BeingSaved,

Take a chill pill. This young lady’s salvation is in God’s hands, not yours.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

A person who acts out in a sinful manner and cannot seem to get control of themselves does well to investigate the roots of their sinful inclination. As to the rest, it is better to concentrate on virtues than to dwell too much on vices.

VERY good advice. Compulsive sin usually has very deep roots. Passing attractions and temptations might have very shallow roots indeed.

 

[BeingSaved]

I was raised in a family that professed protestant Christianity but did not practice it except on Sunday mornings.

And NO. My male relatives and friends did NOT abuse me.

If you’re going to continue to make such horrendous assumptions about the people close to me then please stop replying. It is very offensive and is just making me angry. It is NOT helping.

No assumptions about you or your family, it is something known from others’ experience that women can turn away from men if something like this occurs.

Not you, or your family, but other people have, who have said so.

 

[EasterJoy]

P.S. If you weren’t raised Catholic, were you raised in a Protestant Christian home?

The friend I have I told you about, was raised Protestant and Christian by a mom and dad, the dad was kind of oppressive, over-bearing. She later told me that she thinks she reacted to him by rebelling against everything he taught and stood for,…to give her a chance to stand on her own feet, have her own opinions, etc. He was wrong in how he treated her, and should have allowed her more voice and had more communication with her.

Because we are spirit soul and body entertwined, everything about how we are raised, and the relationships we have with mom and dad effect everything else.

Anything between your Dad and you, will effect how you relate to men. For ie. if you Dad was absent, through divorce, etc. everything effects,…

My female friend who actually went ahead and got right into a sex. relationship,…because of what she told me about how she was and is, I completely agree with her, that she was never homosexual, and never even bisexual, even though she was in a sexually intimate relationship with a female for several years.
Today, she is not tempted by any female anything,…

You see we all have mothers and fathers, along the varying scale of great to terrible,.and this has effected us in body soul and spirit.

Esp. there is an effect if a Dad, or brother, or male relative was inappropriate toward a
growing female in the home. It can even be under the surface, no outright sexual advances, but maybe through what is said, or vibes, if a male family member has been inappropriate toward a female, the female may shut off their sexuality in response,.etc.
there are all kinds of variations, we are complex,…

the VERY LAST ON THE LIST IS HOMOSEXUALITY, AS THERE IS A VERY M I N U T E PERCENT OF THE POPULATION WHO ACTUALLY ARE,…
I AM CONVINCED, YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM!! TRULY.!

If she needed diagnosis and mental health treatment, this would not be the place for delving into her history. As it is, she has not reported anything about herself that would make someone leap to the conclusion that she has had an abusive background or any of the rest. Her inclinations aren’t compelling her to act out in ways contrary to moral law, either. Until they do, her observations about herself are valuable to her self-knowledge, but not something that ought to alarm her too much, nor something that commands investigation. Her sexual inclinations are within the realm of what some women normally experience; it doesn’t matter how statistically common these inclinations are. Her particular interests do not mean she can never be happy in a religious community or even that she will never find just one single guy who commands her affection and attention in a way no man ever has.

She is normal. She might make a wonderful religious sister. She might find that some man may some day interest her more than any woman ever has, but if not, that is OK. That does not mean she cannot be very happy without ever having sex with a woman, which is morally forbidden even to those with a deep-seated inclination in that direction.

I believe that is really all she wants to know.

 

[hatchets]

If she needed diagnosis and mental health treatment, this would not be the place for delving into her history. As it is, she has not reported anything about herself that would make someone leap to the conclusion that she has had an abusive background or any of the rest. Her inclinations aren’t compelling her to act out in ways contrary to moral law, either. Until they do, her observations about herself are valuable to her self-knowledge, but not something that ought to alarm her too much, nor something that commands investigation. Her sexual inclinations are within the realm of what some women normally experience; it doesn’t matter how statistically common these inclinations are. Her particular interests do not mean she can never be happy in a religious community or even that she will never find just one single guy who commands her affection and attention in a way no man ever has.

She is normal. She might make a wonderful religious sister. She might find that some man may some day interest her more than any woman ever has, but if not, that is OK. That does not mean she cannot be very happy without ever having sex with a woman, which is morally forbidden even to those with a deep-seated inclination in that direction.

I believe that is really all she wants to know.

Yeah that’s more along the lines I was hoping this thread would go. But knowing my inclinations is more than simple self-knowledge but also to help avoid occasions for sin. If I were married and knew I was prone to adultery with a specific person, then when I know I need to be careful about being alone with them, or just being around that person in general.

There are a lot of people who struggle with sexual sin in one form or another, but when what you struggle with is a perversion of normal sexuality then there is an added element of shame.

As for the religious community thing, one I already visited said to me that they normally would not admit a person with deep seated homosexuality because there is a certain intimacy between the sisters and so the relationships can become confusing for a gay person and lead them into sin. However my understanding that this is the policy of this one particular community and not all convents in existence today. BTW, I did not tell them I struggle with this, the vocations directress just came out and said it.

 

[MacBP]

Even if there’s no courage chapter near you, that doesn’t mean that they won’t be able to help in some way. Much of what courage does centers on sharing and interpersonal support, and I think that kind of help is invaluable to anyone seeking to become a better Catholic. Perhaps you could see if they might have a program for distance correspondence? I think it would be immensely beneficial.

The only I will add is that I would urge you to try and find the potential blessings of single life. As a young man who lives in an area with no Catholic women, the prospects of perpetual single life loom ever larger. Single life is difficult — there’s no question about that — but it does free up a significant of time, energy and money that can be tremendously beneficial for your community.

Here’s the thing. We are conditioned from an early age to believe that that our life’s purpose is a romantic relationship. We are told that a romantic other is necessary and sufficient for happiness. It is neither. God did not make us for romantic relationships; rather, He made us to be eternally united to God in the beatific vision. Whatever crosses we bear and whatever challenges we face, nothing and no one can take that away from us. So be hopeful! Jesus Christ died for you and is waiting for you in heaven.
Romans 8:8:

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

I Corinthians 2:9:

Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

 

[The_Bucket]

There are a lot of people who struggle with sexual sin in one form or another, but when what you struggle with is a perversion of normal sexuality then there is an added element of shame.

I hope that the responses you’ve received, well most of them anyway, help break that notion of shame. You are quite right about many people struggling with sexual sin of various types and there is no reason for shame. Past cultures got it wrong in that they beat people over the head with shame and cast out those around them who were “evil”… today’s culture has gone so far the other way and tells everyone to do whatever “feels right.” We need to treat everyone the way Christ would; with love and without judgment, while at the same time standing up for Truth. And I think this thread for the most part is doing that. I hope you feel that love.

As for the religious community thing, one I already visited said to me that they normally would not admit a person with deep seated homosexuality because there is a certain intimacy between the sisters and so the relationships can become confusing for a gay person and lead them into sin. However my understanding that this is the policy of this one particular community and not all convents in existence today. BTW, I did not tell them I struggle with this, the vocations directress just came out and said it.

I think that much of the concern is that convents, seminaries, etc. do not want people who are coming to those places to “escape” their struggles. Because you can’t do that. You can’t escape your temptations by running away like that. If you have a vocation, that’s entirely separate from same-sex, opposite-sex, whatever attraction.

 

[hatchets]

Here’s the thing. We are conditioned from an early age to believe that that our life’s purpose is a romantic relationship. We are told that a romantic other is necessary and sufficient for happiness. It is neither. God did not make us for romantic relationships; rather, He made us to be eternally united to God in the beatific vision. Whatever crosses we bear and whatever challenges we face, nothing and no one can take that away from us. So be hopeful! Jesus Christ died for you and is waiting for you in heaven.

AMEN!! So true. I needed to hear that. Thanks.

Want to get married? (Joking.)

I hope that the responses you’ve received, well most of them anyway, help break that notion of shame. You are quite right about many people struggling with sexual sin of various types and there is no reason for shame. Past cultures got it wrong in that they beat people over the head with shame and cast out those around them who were “evil”… today’s culture has gone so far the other way and tells everyone to do whatever “feels right.” We need to treat everyone the way Christ would; with love and without judgment, while at the same time standing up for Truth. And I think this thread for the most part is doing that. I hope you feel that love.

I think that much of the concern is that convents, seminaries, etc. do not want people who are coming to those places to “escape” their struggles. Because you can’t do that. You can’t escape your temptations by running away like that. If you have a vocation, that’s entirely separate from same-sex, opposite-sex, whatever attraction.

I remember when I was in grade school and a boy in my class commented on the looks of a celebrity, and I vocally agreed with him not realizing that girls are not supposed to think of other girls that way. He made a loud comment about me being gay and laughed and laughed at me in front of the entire class, however I was never teased about that ever again. But ever since that moment I’ve been aware of my weird attractions and also ashamed of them. I’ve always tried to deny it, though. I’ve never been able to admit to myself that I’m gay until now, several years after converting to Catholicism. It is precisely because of Catholic teachings on homosexuality that I can come to terms with who I am. I find it ironic that the “homophobic” Catholic Church, as some would put it, is exactly what taught me how to love and be loved and freed me enough to be able to admit to my disordered sexuality and start to try to deal with it.

Yes, I do feel the love in this thread, and I thank all of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut and support.

Thank you Jesus for bringing me into Your Church! For beginning a long process of healing and learning the way of Love! To love God, to love my neighbour, and even to love myself. THANK YOU!!!

 

[mommamaree]

Hi hatchets,

To my understanding, all of the vocations are still open to you. If you ever meet a man who attracts you on all levels and inspires love in your heart, you might marry. If instead, you feel a strong pull to religious life, you might one day find a religious community and become a religious sister. If you prefer the single life, due to your commitment to chastity, becoming a consecrated virgin might be an option for you (they don’t live in community, do they?). Or you might feel that the single, celibate life is for you. All of them are open to someone such as yourself, who has a commitment to chastity now, and for whatever your future vocation might be. It is only people who struggle with deep-seated tendencies with SSA who would not be able to marry or join a religious community, and that is not a penalty, but rather a way that the Church intends to protect such a person from being put in situations where they might harm their soul (or, in the case of marriage, break their spouse’s heart). A person who experiences SS attraction, but does not act on it and who also has the ability to hear and accept the Church’s teachings on marriage and chastity, for that person there are still so many options remaining.

I hope you are able to discern your vocation with joy and peace and assurance. God bless you!

 

[mommamaree]

AMEN!! So true. I needed to hear that. Thanks.

Want to get married? (Joking.)

I remember when I was in grade school and a boy in my class commented on the looks of a celebrity, and I vocally agreed with him not realizing that girls are not supposed to think of other girls that way. He made a loud comment about me being gay and laughed and laughed at me in front of the entire class, however I was never teased about that ever again. But ever since that moment I’ve been aware of my weird attractions and also ashamed of them. I’ve always tried to deny it, though. I’ve never been able to admit to myself that I’m gay until now, several years after converting to Catholicism. It is precisely because of Catholic teachings on homosexuality that I can come to terms with who I am. I find it ironic that the “homophobic” Catholic Church, as some would put it, is exactly what taught me how to love and be loved and freed me enough to be able to admit to my disordered sexuality and start to try to deal with it.

Yes, I do feel the love in this thread, and I thank all of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut and support.

Thank you Jesus for bringing me into Your Church! For beginning a long process of healing and learning the way of Love! To love God, to love my neighbour, and even to love myself. THANK YOU!!!

I, too, am a Catholic convert. I understand the joy of conversion. I have struggled with self-loathing and fearing the hatred of God for all my life. It was the beauty of the teachings of the Catholic Church that drew me in and began to heal my soul. I still have a long way to go, but with Jesus Christ through the Catholic Church, I have hope for being fully healed someday, instead of terror about God taking notice of me (as if I could ever hide from God). So while our struggles in this life are different, I just wanted to affirm you in the joy of converting to a faith that allows one to finally accept oneself and be joyful in our relationship with God.

(Convert since Easter 2010)

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah that’s more along the lines I was hoping this thread would go. But knowing my inclinations is more than simple self-knowledge but also to help avoid occasions for sin. If I were married and knew I was prone to adultery with a specific person, then when I know I need to be careful about being alone with them, or just being around that person in general.

There are a lot of people who struggle with sexual sin in one form or another, but when what you struggle with is a perversion of normal sexuality then there is an added element of shame.

As for the religious community thing, one I already visited said to me that they normally would not admit a person with deep seated homosexuality because there is a certain intimacy between the sisters and so the relationships can become confusing for a gay person and lead them into sin. However my understanding that this is the policy of this one particular community and not all convents in existence today. BTW, I did not tell them I struggle with this, the vocations directress just came out and said it.

In my experience, the wise do not act as if they are made of iron, no matter what they believe their temptation level or inclinations to be. The Rev. Billy Graham, for instance, did not spend time alone with women unless his wife was in attendance. It was not just to avoid scandal, but to avoid the temptation of inappropriate affections growing up and to deny himself opportunities to sin.

If you were to find it difficult not to fantasize about a romantic or physical relationship with other women, or if you had a history of romantic or physical relationships with other women, then this could be a deep-seated tendency. If you wanted all that goes with married life, only not with a man, then that could be a deep-seated tendency. The sisters are right to let you know that a convent cannot make those desires magically go away. If you aren’t strongly attracted to either men or women, though, then being somewhat more attracted to women than to men doesn’t necessarily constitute a “deep-seated tendency.”

To say, “If I’m going to notice anyone, it will be another woman rather than a man, but the truth is that I relate to other people far more strongly in a social way than in a sexual way. When I think of my future, I don’t think of having lots of children and roses and romance, but of doing good works, prayer, and so on, good conversation and books, nature, hiking and biking, that sort of thing” would hardly make someone jump to the conclusion that you are homosexual.

IOW, it may be that you do not have a deep-seated tendency to have an exclusive sexual relationship instead of a broad set of social relationships and the freedom to devote as much time as you want to your prayer life. Your most deep-seated tendency may be towards celibacy. In spite of what the whole world tells you, this does happen.

Still, I would give this piece of advice: Always be ready to meet that person, male or female, who will excite a capacity for passion that you did not know you had. Oh, how many people have discovered themselves and their capacities for sexual passion too late, thinking they knew their “sexual identity”! Be ready for surprises! Keep boundaries like Billy Graham had, not putting yourself in intimate situations that cannot lead to marriage…long talks alone late into the night, time alone over shared alcoholic beverages, exclusive friendships that you find yourself tending to at the expense of other relationships, and so on. This is where even the strongest fall–that is, in assuming that since no strong passion has ever come in the past, that no strong temptation will ever come when least expected. This is how those whom everyone would have thought ever-faithful fall into infidelity.

Our passions have a force like hydraulic pressure. People think a foot of flood water is nothing, or mistake what is really a foot for mere inches of water. What looks as if it is still can exert a lot of force. Passions, like flood waters, can look daunting, but can also look like something that can be contended with. Well, a foot of what looks like slow water can not only sweep a pedestrian off her feet, but carry away whole car, and nothing the driver can do about it. We should not fear our passions, which can be a force for good or for ill, but we should always respect their force as we do any force of nature. That is the only way to ever be the master of them.

 

[EasterJoy]

I remember when I was in grade school and a boy in my class commented on the looks of a celebrity, and I vocally agreed with him not realizing that girls are not supposed to think of other girls that way. He made a loud comment about me being gay and laughed and laughed at me in front of the entire class, however I was never teased about that ever again. But ever since that moment I’ve been aware of my weird attractions and also ashamed of them. I’ve always tried to deny it, though. I’ve never been able to admit to myself that I’m gay until now, several years after converting to Catholicism. It is precisely because of Catholic teachings on homosexuality that I can come to terms with who I am. I find it ironic that the “homophobic” Catholic Church, as some would put it, is exactly what taught me how to love and be loved and freed me enough to be able to admit to my disordered sexuality and start to try to deal with it.

Yes, I do feel the love in this thread, and I thank all of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut and support.

Thank you Jesus for bringing me into Your Church! For beginning a long process of healing and learning the way of Love! To love God, to love my neighbour, and even to love myself. THANK YOU!!!

I would also not look at yourself as having “disordered sexuality.” I do not mean that there is an appropriate outlet for sexual attractions felt for your own sex as there is one for those who are constantly noticing the opposite sex. I mean that a) most people are afflicted with “noticing” others whom they cannot have, either as “oh, that person will attract someone” or even in an impure way and b) passions can be seen as coming in a package. Desires for what we cannot legitimately have, either in type, in amount, or in the situation, is par for the course. The person without passions is not free of the risk of sin. That person risks arrogance, the underlying cause of humanity’s worst and most tragic falls.

I would think of your particular set of passions not as being good or bad so much as being your local inner “climate.” By this I mean to give you two lessons.

Lesson One: a particular pattern of precipitation, temperature, and other weather conditions can be harder than others to survive in, but can also be the only one that supports particular and unique flora and fauna. Our job is to bloom where we are planted, not complain about the climate. Do not feel shame for feelings you did not ask for., nor resign yourself to face these elements without hope for shelter. Consider that these are a part and parcel of a total make-up that is exactly what God meant you to bring to the world. We are all both a gift and a challenge: to ourselves, to everyone else, and to God. If God wanted the whole world to be the south of France, God could have made the whole inhabited world to be the south of France. As it is, the world is more splendid because God made life so it would prosper and multiply in many places, both temperate and harsh.

Lesson Two: Just because snow storms or tornadoes are rare in a given climate does not mean that they can never happen. It pays to have some plan for “extreme weather events,” to not be either arrogant about what you can or cannot feel. Even if the weather is “always nice,” bring what you will need to face the unexpected. (A coat and dry matches are not much against an unexpected storm, but they are far better than nothing!) By this I mean that you should not teach yourself to think that no man can tempt you. The first time we fall in some particular new way, the fall can be very hard. Ever run into a sliding glass door that you did not think was there? Don’t teach yourself to run without looking because you think you know what “can’t be there.” Watch where you are going!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I would think of your particular set of passions not as being good or bad so much as being your local inner “climate.” By this I mean to give you two lessons.

Lesson One: a particular pattern of precipitation, temperature, and other weather conditions can be harder than others to survive in, but can also be the only one that supports particular and unique flora and fauna. Our job is to bloom where we are planted, not complain about the climate. Do not feel shame for feelings you did not ask for., nor resign yourself to face these elements without hope for shelter. Consider that these are a part and parcel of a total make-up that is exactly what God meant you to bring to the world. We are all both a gift and a challenge: to ourselves, to everyone else, and to God. If God wanted the whole world to be the south of France, God could have made the whole inhabited world to be the south of France. As it is, the world is more splendid because God made life so it would prosper and multiply in many places, both temperate and harsh.

Lesson Two: Just because snow storms or tornadoes are rare in a given climate does not mean that they can never happen. It pays to have some plan for “extreme weather events,” to not be either arrogant about what you can or cannot feel. Even if the weather is “always nice,” bring what you will need to face the unexpected. (A coat and dry matches are not much against an unexpected storm, but they are far better than nothing!) By this I mean that you should not teach yourself to think that no man can tempt you. The first time we fall in some particular new way, the fall can be very hard. Ever run into a sliding glass door that you did not think was there? Don’t teach yourself to run without looking because you think you know what “can’t be there.” Watch where you are going!

Easter,

This is absolutely amazing. It’s a phenomenal image, which totally captures and explains my experience of my own life. You should totally write a book about this! (And I have no doubt you have the talent to do so.)

A question: do you mind if I post this on my new blog – and, if you’re OK with that, would you object to my specifically mentioning your screen-name in the post? (Feel free to reply by PM, if you’re more comfortable replying that way).

Thank you for saying this!

 

[EasterJoy]

Easter,

This is absolutely amazing. It’s a phenomenal image, which totally captures and explains my experience of my own life. You should totally write a book about this! (And I have no doubt you have the talent to do so.)

A question: do you mind if I post this on my new blog – and, if you’re OK with that, would you object to my specifically mentioning your screen-name in the post? (Feel free to reply by PM, if you’re more comfortable replying that way).

Thank you for saying this!

Fix the sentences that don’t make any sense (should have read “to not be either arrogant nor unduly fearful…”, but sure, you can use it. I have thought about writing, but have not done it in any formal way yet. Just here, mostly…and too much, as you can see by my post count!

 

[bsf]

I think I might be gay, if not I’m definitely bisexual. I remember when I was eight or nine, when I started realizing that other people could be, you know, exciting, I was excited by other females. I don’t remember ever having an actual crush on a guy. There are guys I have dated or would like to date but that is because I like their personalities, I feel they could protect me, or they have other qualities about who they are as people that makes me think they’d be good partners. But I don’t ever really think of guys as exciting, if you get my drift. Even though I’ve been feeling this way for basically my whole life, I only realized I’m probably gay when a repairman came to my home to fix something, and this guy is a total stunner, yet I admired his good looks as if he were a beautiful work of God, and not in a lustful way. I realized how abnormal this is. It occurred to me that if a man I find this good looking doesn’t excite me, combined with my lifelong attraction to other females then…I’m gay…

hatchets, I prayed to the Holy Spirit, asking Him to guide you regarding sexual orientation and vocation.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

2351 Lust is the disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.

Just a few personal responses to what you said.

I do not believe sexual arousal or sexual attraction in and of itself constitutes lust.

Being able to admire someone’s physical beauty, recognizing it as a gift from God, without lusting after them; what a wonderful thing.

You having dated or considering dating men because, as you stated, “I like their personalities, I feel they could protect me, or they have other qualities about who they are as people that makes me think they’d be good partners”, sounds entirely healthy and in no way, in and of itself, would ever even prompt me to question your sexual orientation. In fact, if you only dated or considered dating men purely because of their physical attributes, only because you found them physically attractive, I would be concerned for you.

Please seek out professional, competent, Catholic assistance regarding your sexuality.

 

[MacBP]

One more thought. In the thread title how ask how you can live like this for the rest of your life. I would really urge you to get away from that kind of thinking. I thinking the best way to approach this would be day-by-day. Can you live like this until tomorrow? Good! That’s all you need to worry about.

I speak here from two personal experiences. I struggle fairly intensely with anxiety and depression, and quite often I would wonder how I could continue to exist for months, let alone years. The trick was to avoid focusing too much with the future. The second experience was with pornography and masturbation. While, by the grace of God, I’ve been free of both sins for several years it wasn’t so long ago that I couldn’t stop doing both. When I did muster the self control, I found that the temptation to relapse was fairly great. The thing that would always break me was when I thought that I would have to live like that for the rest of my life. When God gave the graces necessary to free myself from those sins, I realized that thinking too long term was more detrimental than anything.

God loves you, and will take care of you. Just focus on how you need to live in the present moment. Focus on your career, or getting involved in the community, or growing closer to Jesus. Don’t let 10/20/30 years down the road slow you down.

 

[EasterJoy]

One more thought. In the thread title how ask how you can live like this for the rest of your life. I would really urge you to get away from that kind of thinking. I thinking the best way to approach this would be day-by-day…

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, Letter 15:

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,

I had noticed, of course, that the humans were having a lull in their European war - what they naively call “The War”! - and am not surprised that there is a corresponding lull in the patient’s anxieties. Do we want to encourage this, or to keep him worried? Tortured fear and stupid confidence are both desirable states of mind. Our choice between them raises important questions.

The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them.** He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Him) or with the Present - either meditating on their eternal union with, or separation from, Himself, or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.**

Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we sometimes tempt a human (say a widow or a scholar) to live in the Past. But this is of limited value, for they have some real knowledge of the past and it has a determinate nature and, to that extent, resembles eternity . . . It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time - for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays. Hence the encouragement we have given to all those schemes of thought such as Creative Evolution, Scientific Humanism, or Communism, which fix men’s affections on the Future, on the very core of temporality. Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead. Do not think lust an exception. When the present pleasure arrives, the sin (which alone interests us) is already over. The pleasure is just the part of the process which we regret and would exclude if we could do so without losing the sin; it is the part contributed by the Enemy, and therefore experienced in a Present. The sin, which is our contribution, looked forward.

To be sure, the Enemy wants men to think of the Future too - just so much as is necessary for now planning the acts of justice or charity which will probably be their duty tomorrow. The duty of planning the morrow’s work is today’s duty; though its material is borrowed from the future, the duty, like all duties, is in the Present. This is not straw splitting. He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it. We do. His ideal is a man who, having worked all day for the good of posterity (if that is his vocation), washes his mind of the whole subject, commits the issue to Heaven, and returns at once to the patience or gratitude demanded by the moment that is passing over him. **But we want a man hag-ridden by the Future **- haunted by visions of an imminent heaven or hell upon earth - ready to break the Enemy’s commands in the present if by so doing we make him think he can attain the one or avert the other - dependent for his faith on the success or failure of schemes whose end he will not live to see. We want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow’s end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewith to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered them in the Present.

It follows then, in general, and other things being equal, that it is better for your patient to be filled with anxiety or hope (it doesn’t much matter which) about this war than for him to be living in the present. But the phrase “living in the present” is ambiguous. It may describe a process which is really just as much concerned with the Future as anxiety itself. Your man may be untroubled about the Future, not because he is concerned with the Present, but because he has persuaded himself that the Future is, going to be agreeable. As long as that is the real course of his tranquillity, his tranquillity will do us good, because it is only piling up more disappointment, and therefore more impatience, for him when his false hopes are dashed. If, on the other hand, he is aware that horrors may be in store for him and is praying for the virtues, wherewith to meet them, and meanwhile concerning himself with the Present because there, and there alone, all duty, all grace, all knowledge, and all pleasure dwell, his state is very undesirable and should be attacked at once. Here again, our Philological Arm has done good work; try the word “complacency” on him. But, of course, it is most likely that he is “living in the Present” for none of these reasons but simply because his health is good and he is enjoying his work. The phenomenon would then be merely natural. All the same, I should break it up if I were you. No natural phenomenon is really in our favour. And anyway, why should the creature be happy?

Your affectionate uncle

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