Am I going to Hell for being a Father?

[Liberanosamalo]

I think the real issue here is not the letter of the law but rather the spirit of the law. Ask yourself, what is a woman to do if her husband abandons her and she falls in love years later with another man. Should she truly live a live of celibacy because the man she married broke his vow before God and her?

I would say unequivocally “NO”. It makes sense to me that our church leaders would leave an out for special circumstances. Jesus is all forgiving and surely he would not condemn my wife for falliing in love with me and marrying me after she was abandoned by her former husband. That really does not sound like the Jesus I have come to know in my life.

I personally think annulments are being handed out like candy because marriage licenses have been handed out like candy.

The Jesus you have come to know in your life loves you. And He died for you. And His death on the cross was the horrible price He paid for sins like adultery.

I’m speaking as the abandoned wife, who was left at age 30 with not one but THREE young children. And because of his legal games and delays, I did not have a divorce decree for several more years. And then my annulment application took over 19 months from the time I went to the chancery until I had my final decree.

During that time, before we even had a divorce decree, he was dating. Before the annulment was applied for by me, he was getting engaged to someone else. It doesn’t matter whether he loved her or not, what HE was doing was wrong. And it was as wrong for him to do it as it was for your wife to do it.

No, it’s not fair when someone sins and others suffer. Sin always has social consequences. Even sins we think are private.
My XH’s sins have forced me into a life of celibacy. Is it fair? No. But you know what? I’m much happier than he is. I have been the parent to show my children that no human being, no matter how wonderful, is worth going to hell for. You say your wife shouldn’t be punished for falling in love with you. Well, no. You can’t help who you love. But by marrying you, she put you above God and His law. She made you an idol. Harsh? Yes. Sorry.

If you take your situation to it’s next step, it’s the same slippery slope where someone is in a “loveless” marriage. Why should they be forced to honor that bond if they fall in love with the guy at work and want to marry him? Why should a woman whose husband is paralyzed in Iraq be forced to live a celibate life when she can marry the guy in the next cubicle at work and live happily? Why honor that first bond she made?

No, your church hasn’t walked away from you. You walked away from it when you attempted to marry someone against all church rules.

Just because you love someone and “feel” married, doesn’t mean you are. The Church says that your wife has a sacramental bond with a man (not you) and so is ontologically incapable of making a bond with someone else. (The same with a priest with holy orders who cannot make a bond with a woman in marriage, no matter how much he loves her.) To take your line of reasoning into the civil realm, if a man is married civilly, and doesn’t get divorced, he cannot go get a second wife in the next town. He may set up house with her, and have kids, but he’s a bigamist. The law will not look upon this kindly. Well, a civil marriage like yours is like spiritual bigamy.

Not that there is not a remedy. And I have been through it. You need to go to your diocesan chancery (or call the chancery in the diocese where your wife’s marriage took place.) And this is NOT for YOU to do! YOU are not a party to this. This is HER marriage she needs to deal with. Yada was very correct. The paperwork she will fill out is exhausting and comprehensive. It requires much work and hard questions, and witnesses. The Church says for a valid bond to be made in marriage, it must be free at the time of consent. Anything that interferes with that free consent is grounds for a declaration of nullity. But it has to be investigated. Was it a “shotgun” wedding? Was there substance abuse involved, very young age? Promiscuity by one or both parties before the wedding? Family circumstances that would cloud consent or understanding of marriage? Grave family pressure to marry? Psychological problems evidenced before the marriage? Previous broken engagements? (My XH had two of those.)

 

[Liberanosamalo]

More…
These are issues that will be examined. Some priests have personal agendas. They do not have a right to halt a legitimate petition for decree of nullity. This is for a tribunal to examine. Go to the proper authorities. In the meantime, recognize that until YOU have a priest standing over you and the mother of your children giving you an official blessing of your marriage, you are NOT sacramentally married. And you have set a bad example for your children. What will you tell them when they want to get married to someone outside the church?

I’m not saying this to condemn you. I’m saying it as the parent who had to set a good example for three children whose father set the bad example. Yes, it’s hard to raise them alone without a good man to give an example. But that’s what grandfathers and uncles are for. You need to undo the damage you did and the scandal you caused when you created children outside of the boundaries of the Church. We hope you do that. Please do not berate us because we have followed the rules, or sneer at us as a bunch of celibates who just want misery to have company. And you and the mother of your children are a special case. We are all special cases. And I will say, in all the horror of my divorce and the abandonment and all that went with that, the canon lawyer who handled my divorce and my parish priest were the only two officials who seemed to care about my soul and the pain I went through and treated me with dignity and respect. The lawyers certainly didn’t.

I can live with myself. At the end of the day, the XH ended up breaking that engagement. He’s off with another woman still. At the end of my life, I won’t miss having sex every other day. I will miss having the opportunity to create an eternity of happiness with God. We were born to save our souls. Any action we do that works against that must be abandoned immediately. Good luck.

 

[dulcissima]

Maybe if you can look into some of the links that have been provided and get some real information about what an annulment is you can help your wife to receive some healing by going through this process. Right now I am in the process of filling out the paperwork myself. Just filling out the paperwork and writing the narrative stating the facts about my marriage has really helped me understand a lot about what really kept my “marriage” from being a marriage. To be honest with you, I am really thankful to be a Catholic and to go through this process in which I can reach the truth. I really do hope that you can help your wife find this kind of peace and understanding. I have talked to other women who went through horrible divorces, and they didn’t have that true sense of closure until they received their declaration of nullity.

 

[MaryD7]

Chefboy, I am truly sorry for your situation and I’ll remember you in my prayers that you’ll find resolution to this.

I know that some of these replies can come off as very unfeeling while knocking you over the head with Church law. I think the wise thing to do would be to thank everybody for their (name removed by moderator)ut, and then go do what you have to do. People feel very strongly about these things and sometimes in voicing their opinion they seemingly discount the importance of your marriage and love for your wife. (You almost wonder if some feel that it would be better if you divorce her just so you can be right in the eyes of the Church.)

I can tell that you love your wife and your children. Take that love and go forward with your family. I sincerely hope that the process of annulment will be easier this time for your wife. Your support will be invaluable.

God bless.

 

[franksta]

I am glad things worked out.

It seems the moderator has taken it upon themselves to move my thread to Moral Theology. That is just wrong. I intended it to be in the traditional forum.

I will have to move along now as the Forum Moderators are now Censoring my questioning of Traditional Values of the Church.

This is not a moral issue for me. It is a question of interpretation of the bible which The Catholic Church has made a tradition of.

It is a question of whether or not I remain a Catholic. It is a question concerning the Tradition of Matrimony in the Catholic Church. I guess the moderators can not make an argument for the tradition so they choose to make it a moral issue. Shame on them.

Chefboy,

I think this is a little uninformed. In the context of CAF, “Traditional Catholicism” refers to Traditional SPIRITUALITY–in other words, people who prefer (or don’t) the Tridentine Mass over the Novus Ordo Mass, “smells and bells” over guitars and drums. It is almost always about liturgy and prayer, not about traditional vs. modern ways of understanding Church teachings.

So, I don’t believe the moderators intended any insult.

Peace and all good,

Frank

 

[YADA]

Like Dulcissima I have been through the experience of the annullment process [personally]. Havin a failed first marriage and going through the scrutiny of it is a hard experience. But the annullment process can be very healing…I guess you missed that mention in my earlier post.

I do understand annullmnets, not just because I work with RCIA [although as I said annullments comes up every year and in any group of 12 to 30 participants there will be at least one person who needs an annullment. I have worked on the RCIA team for over a dozen years…that is lots of experience with te spiritual journey of people entrusted to my care.

Also, I have a friend who is the pastoral associate in a parish [over 30 years with the diocese]. One of her responsibilities is assisting in marriage preparation and assisting those who seek annulments. I have a master’s in pastoral ministry and although I do not work for a parish [as paid staff] Ivolunteer many hours in a variety of areas.

Many problems in the church are caused by misunderstanding and misinformation, heresay etc. You came here [in good faith I am sure] to seek answers because you were discomfitted. That my friend is a good place to be as it denotes a response to God’s call in our life.

What if this is the case: JUst a what if…okay…yo can take it or leave it: Perhaps God wants you to get your life right. He gave you a taste of the Eucharist [as you been coming to Mass even though maybe you felt something…] to develop a longing for beeing fed. Then showed you how you might lose it…the priest’s homily, St Paul’s admonition to not approach the Eucharist unworthily lest you eat and drink to your [spiritual] death…now you look at your life and you family and want to make it right…You want to be and know with certainty thata you are married to your wife. If she still is traumatized by the divorce and abandonment, having your marriage blessed by the church could be the healing she needs. Hence you search aand hopefully her formal application to the tribunal…jump ahead two years [the length of time my annullmment took] and after Sunday Mass, your frends join you for a Blessing of your marriage vows by the parish priest…The first communion taken with your spuse after years of longing…well for my husband and myself, it was pure heaven and very much worth the wait…As I said earlier…get informed, learn and seek good orthodox information and pray…God Bless

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And Chefboy, in all charity, would you pick out a doctor who told you want you WANTED to hear? Or one who told you what you NEEDED to hear?

If you weren’t feeling well physically and you sought advice, and someone told you to quit smoking or drinking, or overeating, or whatever, would you get mad and tell them that what they were advising was just jealousy because they were on a diet on in a 12-step program or something? Would you want a doctor who told you what you wanted to hear (Sure, a bottle of Stoli every night is great if it makes you happy.) even if in the long run it caused your early death?

Would you want to continue making health choices that your children might imitate if it lead to them dying young?

If we take care of our physical bodies carefully even though they will die, how much more care should we have over the health of our souls?

Find the truth here, in your life and in your marriage decisions. Any choice built on a lie or on sin is like a house built on sand. Eventually it will start to crumble. You need to shore things up the right way. Good luck. Just please don’t shoot the messenger.

 

[Chefboy]

Catechism of the Catholic Church
pg. 551
II Respect for the Dignity of Persons
Respect for the Souls of others: Scandal

2284
Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neithbors tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense.

2285 Scandal takes on a particular gravity by reason of the authority of those who cause it or the weakness of those who are scandalized. It prompted our Lord to utter this curse: "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. Matthew 18:6 cf.1 Cor 8:10-13

2286 Scandal can be provoked by laws or institutions, by fashion or opinion.

Therefore, they are guilty of scandal who establish laws or social structures leading to the decline of morals and the corruption of religious practice, or to "social conditions that, intentionally or not, make Christian conduct and obedience to the Commandments difficult and practically impossible. Pius XII, Discourse, June 1, 1941 This is also true of business leaders who make rules encouraging fraud, teachers who provoke their children to anger, or manipulators of public opinion who turn it away from moral values.

2287 Anyone who uses the power at his disposal in such a way that it leads others to do wrong becomes guilty of scandal and responsible for the evil that he has directly or indirectly encouraged. "Temptations to sin are sure to come; but woe to him by whom they come! Luke 17:1

Having said all this is it not scandal for the church to make it difficult for my wife to obtain her annulment when the church already knows she was abandoned. Does the church really have the right to drag her through the pain she feels every time she thinks of what happend to her. My wife already has closure on this part of her life and has moved on. Why must the church repen the wound so deeply? Just rhetorical questions.

I am not here to argue with people, my intent is to merely show how rediculous the church law can be at times. It almost seems like the law of the church harbors scandal.

So let me begin my process now that I have truly vented.

Questions for obtaining the annulment.

1.Is it easier to obtain the annulment at the church or diocese my wife was married in?

1. What exact paperwork should she ask for?
2. If you have any experience on how to get this done in a timely manner that would be beneficial.

Thanks for answering these questions and taking the time to advise me with my dilemma. I truly hope to remain a member of the Catholic Church!

 

[dulcissima]

I recently went to a class on the annulment process. The person who was giving it is on a tribunal. He said that you could have the case heard in either the diocese where the couple if married or the diocese where the respondant lives. He suggested that having it heard in a smaller diocese, particularly one that is not having to deal so much with the legal fallout of the abuse scandal would be the way to have the case move along a lot more quickly. You can search the internet for the website of each diocese. Most have FAQ’s that let you know what to expect as far as cost, time, and an overview of the process. Some even have the forms available to download from the internet. So, if you get the chance to do a bit of browsing tonight, I think you’ll find a lot of the information that you are looking for.

 

[jmcrae]

The most important thing to understand is that the Tribunal has no more ability to “nullify” or “divorce” the marriage than the civil court did. The circumstances of the divorce have absolutely no bearing on the investigation.

All they can do is find out whether a marriage actually took place.

If it did, then she is married to that man, and will be until one of them dies.

If it didn’t (even though there was the appearance of a wedding), then she will become free to marry you when she receives the Decree of Nullity.

What they need to know is whether or not a valid wedding took place - that’s what the investigation will focus on. Not the circumstances of the divorce.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Having said all this is it not scandal for the church to make it difficult for my wife to obtain her annulment when the church already knows she was abandoned. Does the church really have the right to drag her through the pain she feels every time she thinks of what happend to her. My wife already has closure on this part of her life and has moved on. Why must the church repen the wound so deeply? Just rhetorical questions.

Chefboy, this is like someone with a broken leg. Would you question a doctor who had to rebreak it to set it properly? Would you ask that the doctor just leave the healed over break alone?

Trust me when I tell you how healing it finally was to put ALL the facts on the paper and finally have someone in a position of authority read your side of the story and how all this affected you, and what your hopes and dreams were that were destroyed. After I handed my packet in to the tribunal, I finally stopped having some of the nightmares and I finally stopped having those repetitious images in my head that blocked all progress in my day. It was like taking out the garbage and dumping it!

Then true healing can take place. You can’t hurry the process, but you can delay it by not answering things in a timely fashion or picking witnesses that take their time in answering. The ex spouse may or may not care to be involved. They will send them a letter and a packet and that person is free to participate or not. Sometimes their non-participation helps prove the case. I would just say that the more information and proof (from letters, emails, pictures, whatever) that are involved, the better. Most of the questions are about the courtship, family backgrounds, engagement period, time before the wedding, views on critical church teachings, honeymoon time, and early marriage.

It is not that expensive, and the diocese will work with you. It isn’t something you “buy.” But they have salaries to pay and experts to consult so the nominal fee helps offset that. It never ceases to amaze me that people who think nothing of hiring a lawyer in a divorce will balk at the small annulment fee.

You want to stay in the church. That’s where your real peace will be. Understand the church isn’t trying to make your life miserable. The Church just feels marriage is so sacred, it isn’t going to treat the vows as lightly as your wife’s ex did.

 

[sosayi1960]

I would like to thank everyone that has responded to my question. It is very interesting to see the different perspectives on how we all interpret the Laws of the Church. In black and white you can make a case for anything in life but in reality there are too many variables to pass judgement and pidgeon hole every similar event.

As I have read the comments it has become obvious to me that many of the respondants are adamant about this issue and I have to ask myself why? Is it because many of the respondants are celibate for their own personal reasons and would like to know that there are many more who must carry that cross with them?

I will have my wifes previous marriage annuled on our next attempt. I say this to you without a doubt in my mind as I will be at the forefront of this annulment and not my wife. I will not allow a priest to question her in a way that makes her cry and feel as though she has sinned. There has been too much of that in the past two attempts. My wife did not comit the sin here. Her husband left her for another woman. It is beyond ant rational thought process that she should live a life of misery because of his selfish act. The past attempts at annulment have never made it past TRADITIONAL PRIESTS. This time I will lead the charge and make sure my wifes case reaches a TRIBUNAL where I have no doubt any rational man will nullify the marriage. In my heart I know this as I believe Jesus wants it as much as we do.

My marriage is very real whether the Catholic Church wants to recognize it or not. As for those of you who profess to be Catholics but have dificulty finding forgiveness in your hearts I will be the one praying for you. It is truly amazing how clouded minds can become while living in lives of celibacy. For me, all I have to do is look at the children playing at my feet and know that Jesus wants them to be a part of his family.

As for the topics location, it is where it is today because it deals with Traditional Catholic Laws. We live in a society that is ever changing. Keeping this in mind it is important to realize that Jesus would understand our perils in modern day life better then we ourselves do.

Thank you all for finally giving me the courage and wisdom I was looking for concerning this important topic. Through your words I now have a better understanding of what I am dealing with. If we had to make an analogy I guess it would be similar to a “Jury Selection”. There are just some people you dont want making decisions about your life. As for the people who were more rational with their responses I thank you and know that you are truly inspired by Jesus in your comments.

I will report back to everyone with the final outcome of this ordeal.

Take things a day at a time. God understands, even though others cannot. Don’t flag yourself. Seek some help/forgiveness from a priest. God will make things right again. God Bless, Be at Peace!

 

[Chefboy]

Chefboy, this is like someone with a broken leg. Would you question a doctor who had to rebreak it to set it properly? Would you ask that the doctor just leave the healed over break alone?

Well yes, as a matter of fact I would and I have done so in the past. We have way to many problems in life to reopen wounds that have already healed. Believe me when I tell you the human body is a marvelous machine, you might be surprised how well it can heal itself.

Your analogy however makes no sense to me since my marriage is not broken in my eyes. My marriage is alot stronger then many other marriages I see in the Catholic Faith and other religions as well. I would be very surprised if my marriage did not last forever. Its my first and I plan on it being my last.

I must go now and stop waisting time as someone above mentioned. I have let this consume almost my entire day and most of last night. Yes, this is scandolous. Now I am suffering the pain of a divorce I had nothing to do with. I didn’t even know my wife exhisted when she was getting divorced. She was not my brothers wife, she is not my mother, she is not my friends wife. ( I follow the Man Law when it comes to dating your friends girlfriends----its taboo-----LOL) I simply married a woman that I found to be my best friend, an individual I knew would be loyal to me and me to her, an individual that is both physically and spiritually beautiful to me. Good Night All…

 

[Renton405]

Hello,

I have come to this site in search of information concerning my marriage and religion. I have been a Catholic since I was a baby and babtized. I guess I could have been Jewish, Muslim or some other religion but as it turned out both of my parents were Catholics and that was my primary source of information as a child.

My early years as an adult were spent in what any religion would consider SINFUL. Mostly partying, having sex with as many girls as possible and all in all just not that close with Jesus. As I have grown into middle age I now find myself going to church on a regular basis and living what I believe to be a rather sincere and good life in the presence of Jesus. I still sin but my sins now are mostly just small. Loss of patience, Lords name in Vain, etc…etc…

Yesterday at Church our Priest gave a sermon on the Feast of Corpus Christi and reminded the congregation that we had to be in a state of grace before receiving Holy Communion. I had known this for many years but somehow just filed it away as something I did not want to deal with. HMMMM…That was the easy way out since I live in ‘SIN’ according to the Catholic Church.

You see, my wife was previously married to a man that cheated on her. He did not just cheat once but he moved out with another woman basically abandoning her with their three year old daughter. The Catholic Church on two ocassions has told her that the marriage can not be annuled.

So here I am seven years into our marriage and once again I am being reminded of the fact that I am living in Sin. I am additionally reminded that I can not receive Holy Communion. I really feel at a loss and I am now wondering what the Catholic Church recommends I should do. Divorce my wife in Civilian Court to save my soul or continue living in sin and perish in hell? I failed to mention that my wife and I have two beautiful children together in additon to my beautiful step daughter. Wow, maybe I should have continued partying! Afterall, that was not as bad of a sin as committing adultry on a daily basis.

Look for another Catholic Church to annul her last marriage… the church usually allows annulments in the cases of Adultry or mental illness…
\

PLEASE don’t let this ruin your view of the church… I know some people get turned off by how strict the church is. And some people take it too personal… Even I sometimes can think the Church can be a little “snobby” at times. but don’t like it make you leave the faith… stay strong …

 

[LittleDeb]

So let me begin my process now that I have truly vented.

Questions for obtaining the annulment.

1.Is it easier to obtain the annulment at the church or diocese my wife was married in?

1. What exact paperwork should she ask for?
2. If you have any experience on how to get this done in a timely manner that would be beneficial.

Thanks for answering these questions and taking the time to advise me with my dilemma. I truly hope to remain a member of the Catholic Church!

My prayers are with you. At one point during his process my (now) husband tore his paperwork in half. Now he is so glad he went through it. Although he does still call the questionnaire “the green monster.” It is printed on green paper here in our diocese.

1. “Easier” is a relative term. Your current diocese will have to check with the one she was married in to see if a case was opened there. Smaller diocese have fewer cases so they might move faster. But larger diocese have more resources so they might move faster. For my husband, we found the local diocese more convenient because he would need to be interviewed.
2. The paperwork is fairly standard. I think the most important part is to make sure she has an advocate whom she can really relate to and who knows Church teaching inside and out. In civil law an advocate is someone without actual law school training who knows the process and walks the victim through it. Much of civil law is derived from canon law. So her advocate will walk her, the petitioner, through the process. On the paperwork I suggest detail, detail, and more detail. The questionnaire was about 30 different questions. In the end DH turned in 15 single spaced typed pages in response.
3. Timely manner. Also a relative term. This answer could get longer. Staying right on top of her paperwork and making sure her witnesses get theirs in right away too will help. There is a WHOLE lot to understand in understanding “timely.” It is a process like the DMV. The sooner she gets in line and is willing to dedicate herself to getting it done the better.

It sounds like a very difficult part for you will be the same trouble I had. You and I are actually NOT a part of our spouses previous relationships, no matter how much we love them. You can help her at home with her paperwork, but her process is hers alone. (That’s why a good advocate is so important.) He or she will be able to know everything because they are able to be objective about it. We aren’t.

The biggest help I was to my husband was in really understanding Church teaching. My DH (also a chef BTW ) was very wrapped up in what broke down in the marriage. That is not what a Decree of Nullity is about. It is that they never entered a marriage in the first place. Investigating what broke down in the marriage only proves that it was broken going in. That part was the hardest on DH. All of those many red flags that he missed in marrying her in the first place made him feel like a prized idiot. When you said that the questions the priests asked your wife brought her to tears, I knew what was going on without even being there. They were looking for proof that she had been deceived from the beginning. If she refuses to acknowledge that AND her Ex doesn’t cooperate then they cannot find proof of nullity. Hence they saw little hope of proving it in the Tribunal.

I think the other HUGE part I would advise to you is to not make this about you. Yes you love her, no question. But as has been pointed out before, love is not what this is about. At one point she thought she loved ‘him.’ Learn Church teaching. Submit to it. The process might be tough and flawed but the Church in Her teachings is Truth. I think the reason I want to caution you most on this is because you do sound very angry and frustrated at times. The title of this thread speaks loudly of your POV. I don’t judge you in your anger. I was angry too, and for many of the same reasons. Anger doesn’t help unless it put to good use.

No, you won’t go to Hell or being a father. I know that you know deep in your heart that your fatherhood is not the issue. The real issue is: “Is your wife married for life to another?” I certainly hope not, but I have no authority to judge that. Neither do you. However, God does know. He set up His Church to handle these things. Understanding Her teachings inside and out will be the biggest help you can be.

After all of this my advice would be start a thread called, “Decree of Nullity–help me to understand.” (I am not sure of the best forum for it though.) And then read all of the resources you are given (and already have been given) and pray, pray, and then pray some more. The more you submit to God in this the less painful it will be for all.

 

[Chefboy]

Thank you Little Deb. Your understanding means alot to me. I know I have been venting all day and that my anger is apparent in my words. I am going to move on now and take everyones advice.

If I can no longer be a Catholic there really is no other religion I would want to be a part of. I hope this works out. I must really go now…Thank you all for the opportunity to have discussion. Its amazing how much I learn when I start turning pages and talking with individuals like yourselves. I am fortunate to have found such a fine group of individuals whether we have differences or not.

 

[Renton405]

I love my siblings, my parents, my workmates, and many many other people very deeply. Doesn’t mean I can consider myself married to any of them but one, my husband. And to him I am married as long as we are both alive.

Awww, that is so sweet… i wish more people had this mindset… divorce rate would drop considerably

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Your analogy however makes no sense to me since my marriage is not broken in my eyes. My marriage is alot stronger then many other marriages I see in the Catholic Faith and other religions as well. I would be very surprised if my marriage did not last forever. Its my first and I plan on it being my last.

LittleDeb has some very good points there. But I think you misunderstood me. The broken bone analogy was about your wife’s marriage to her ex. You may think it’s “reset.” But it probably didn’t heal as well as you hope. I’ve been there. Deb was right about how much it hurts to examine your courtship and marriage and then have to question every memory you had and wonder what a fool you were and how you were misled.

I don’t know how long that other union lasted. The fact that she has maintained a solid union with you and is attempting to reconcile it with the Church works in her favor as the aggrieved party, I am sure. And your willingness to raise a child another man abandoned and to love that child is rare in a day and age when many men don’t fulfill their own responsibilities. So for you!

The fact that this whole thing can make her cry still shows that she is NOT completely healed. I can now talk about horribly painful things and make a whole room full of people laugh, including myself. But that didn’t really happen till after the annulment.

Yes, you are suffering from this former marriage. And part of this is because your wife began dating without resolving that situation. Whether it was because she was given faulty advice or whatever, this is something SHE needs to fix. It is a broken bone that needs to be reset. It is HER broken bone that was not set properly long before you arrived. You love her and suffer with her. Just pray for her to have wisdom and be the man who puts her soul first and help her to stay in the grace of God while you go through this process. God bless you in this.

 

[jmcrae]

Look for another Catholic Church to annul her last marriage.

A point of clarification - the Church cannot annul a marriage. Either there was never a marriage to begin with, or the marriage is for life. Jesus said, “What God has put together” ( that is, if there is a marriage) no one can wrest asunder (no one also includes the divorce court judge and also every member of the Marriage Tribunal - again, they cannot break a marriage, if it exists).

the church usually allows annulments in the cases of Adultry or mental illness…

Only if these occurred before the wedding took place. They do not look at anything that happened after the wedding (because the vow says "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc. - which includes every bad thing that happens after the wedding), unless it points to the situation of the wedding itself - for example, if one of them is found to be an alcoholic after the wedding, then they would look to see whether that person had become an alcoholic before the wedding took place (in which case the person was not competent to make marriage vows) or did this occur after the wedding - in which case it comes under “in sickness and in health,” as part of the vows that were taken.

 

[gmarie21]

Liberanosamalo;2343861:

Chefboy, this is like someone with a broken leg. Would you question a doctor who had to rebreak it to set it properly? Would you ask that the doctor just leave the healed over break alone?

Well yes, as a matter of fact I would and I have done so in the past. We have way to many problems in life to reopen wounds that have already healed. Believe me when I tell you the human body is a marvelous machine, you might be surprised how well it can heal itself.

Your analogy however makes no sense to me since my marriage is not broken in my eyes. My marriage is alot stronger then many other marriages I see in the Catholic Faith and other religions as well. I would be very surprised if my marriage did not last forever. Its my first and I plan on it being my last.

I must go now and stop waisting time as someone above mentioned. I have let this consume almost my entire day and most of last night. Yes, this is scandolous. Now I am suffering the pain of a divorce I had nothing to do with. I didn’t even know my wife exhisted when she was getting divorced. She was not my brothers wife, she is not my mother, she is not my friends wife. ( I follow the Man Law when it comes to dating your friends girlfriends----its taboo-----LOL) I simply married a woman that I found to be my best friend, an individual I knew would be loyal to me and me to her, an individual that is both physically and spiritually beautiful to me. Good Night All…

Re opening wounds may be the best thing going for your wife during the annulment process. I have read through every questionaire my dd’s dad has had to fill out for his annulment process and as one who has never been married, I can see the importance for all the detailed, minute questioning b/c one response that shows doubt at the time the vows were made can be the reasoning for the annulment.

I do agree with other posters that you should abstain until the tribunal rules. As a highly hormonal woman, abstaining has never been easy. But I love my dd’s dad so much that I am forsaking anything that may get me “excited” for the sake of his soul, my soul and our dd’s soul. It has been 3 years and is still an uphill battle, but the hope that is on the horizon is great. His pastor told us that he couild marry us within a week if the tribunal rules that his first marriage was invalid. If a tribunal states otherwise, then we will live together and have seperate rooms for the sake of our dd. With every other cross, I will continue to offer this up for souls.