Am I in a rebound relationship?

[Miriam1983]

Hello,

I need advice on a new relationship and its causing me alot of anxiety. I met last December a wonderful guy in catholicmatch.com. We hit off right away. Family values, morals, church teachings ect…we email back and forth, and had great communication. Two weeks afterwards, he wanted to court me and told me I was the love of his life and he loved me. For me was very unusual. Later he told me he just got out of a relationship 3 months ago that has left him damaged. His ex was manipulative, controlling, recently divorced with a child, would go to bars, and was out of control. He said he was with her because he hoped she was going to changed, but he ended up getting hurt.
I told him I don’t want to be a rebound, I don’t want to be used so he can forget about her.
He told me I wasn’t, she killed the loved he had for her, is just the damaged she caused him from his self-worth as a person. He wants me to be with him, just that I need to be patient. We have met in person, he flew me in to attend a important company party. We had a great time. He is very nice and sweet, but was a little cold toward me. When I got home I called and told him my observations. He said sorry, is just that he hasn’t healed, and I need to be patient.
I burst into tears when we hung up, because I don’t understand him, everything contradicts itself. Later he called and said he truly loves me, I have the best heart, and I am the woman he has been looking all my life. He ask me for my patience and understanding because he is going through anger from his past relationship. He wants to grow with me as happy full of love because I deserve great love. He is very happy we met and he is looking forward to many great moments in life with me.
What can I do? Is hard to admit but his baggage is affecting me. I like that he is very devoted Catholic, goes to mass daily, prays the rosary, follows all the church’s teachings, that’s why I want to wait for him because he has a lot to offer. Deep down I don’t trust when he tells me he loves me and is causing me lot of anxiety. I then start to doubt and feel insecure of myself.

Thank you all and God bless you!

 

[Ruthcloud]

I would run and never look back. The beginning of a relationship everyone is on their best behavior and then slowly the truth is revealed. He also might be a good guy and going thru hell, but usually peoples true colors come out in times of stress.
I don’t know your situation, but if you have a physical relationship…stop. If you are not…don’t start, his true colors will come out quicky.you desrve the best!

 

[red85]

Yes.

Forget about him.

This anxiety you’re feeling is not healthy.

 

[Khalid]

As long as you’re not having a physical relationship (i.e. following the Church’s teachings), I see no reason why a little time can’t be given (not years of time, of course). I personally would not run, as the above poster: however, if it is causing you much emotional trauma, which outweighs any benefit, I would.

To the other above poster: everyone has some anxiety in relationships - all the more so when they are in love, as the approval of the partner becomes very important - some more than others, some to an unhealthy degree. Whatever it may be, it is not certain that it is this specific relationship causing it, but just a relationship, or any relationship.

As the above poster said, most people normally are “on their best behavior” (e.g. put on a facade or an act) at the beginning of a relationship. Maybe he doesn’t.

My recommendation is neutral.

 

[marykate2]

You didn’t say how old you guys are, or how long he dated his previous girlfriend. If he is in his 20s, maybe he is just immature. If he’s in his 30s, maybe this is red flag.

It’s not really clear what you is causing you anxiety. Just the fact that he talks about the past? Or is he using the past as a reason not to progress a relationship with you? Do you feel like you are in the same place you were a year ago, and haven’t grown any closer?

Whatever you do, safeguard your heart. Try to do what’s best for yourself objectively, even if it’s hard to set boundaries with this guy. Perhaps the thing to do is to just say to him that it seems like he needs time to heal from that past relationship before he can really give himself in a new relationship, and you want to give him space and time to do that. If he really cares about you, he will be motivated to put his house in order, so to speak, so he can court you with undivided attention.

 

[Ysara]

This may sound hard… and you might rebel against it… but my advice is get out of that relationship… follow your instincts on this… I am taking from experience on this… if you are experiencing anxiety at this stage then that is not good… it will only get worse… If you feel you want to give him a chance then maybe a friendship ( but to be honest I would advise against that ) The waiting could be endless… and worse if he decides to go back to his family and still have you and tell you he loves you and wants you in his life… You have a choice here and now to turn your life around… Please do not go down the road I went down… If he truely loves you he will come after you… and do right by you. God Bless and take care… and listen to yourself … it might be hard now… but it will only be worse later.

 

[EasterJoy]

Trust your instincts! He’s roping you in with one hand and pushing you away with the other. It doesn’t matter if you are the right people. For him, it is the wrong time. He is not ready, and you can see that. Do not concern yourself that he can’t see it, because only one of you needs to. He can catch up on his own time. Do not trust his senses instead of your own.

Do not “wait” for him. You don’t know that he has an issue that has a cure, only that he has an issue. For all you know, it is the same issue that doomed his first marriage and the same issue that will doom every marriage he attempts. Do not make yourself into the test subject for his self-diagnosis. Trust you own diagnosis, instead.

 

[Bezant]

In general, I’d recommend giving the benefit of the doubt. People often “sign out” of a serious relationship well before breaking up, so jumping in the dating game after three months isn’t necessarily a red flag – even if things didn’t end too well.

From his behaviour, I think it’s clear that he’s seeking personal security in companionship with you as he moves beyond the wounds left by his old relationship.

In other words…you’re the rebound.

Much as it stinks, it’s best to call off the romantic pursuit sooner rather than later.

 

[VivienneJ]

Deep down I don’t trust when he tells me he loves me and is causing me lot of anxiety.

This is the reason why I’d counsel not investing any more emotional energy on this relationship. Trust those deep down instincts that are telling you something is not right.

 

[Ysara]

In general, I’d recommend giving the benefit of the doubt. People often “sign out” of a serious relationship well before breaking up, so jumping in the dating game after three months isn’t necessarily a red flag – even if things didn’t end too well.

From his behaviour, I think it’s clear that he’s seeking personal security in companionship with you as he moves beyond the wounds left by his old relationship.

In other words…you’re the rebound.

Much as it stinks, it’s best to call off the romantic pursuit sooner rather than later.

I totally agree with this advice.

 

[1ke]

Two weeks afterwards, he wanted to court me and told me I was the love of his life and he loved me.

This is not a mature individual with a real understanding of love. TWO WEEKS after meeting, well not even meeting just corresponding, he tells you that you are the love of his life?

He sounds like he has a lot of issues.

What can I do? Is hard to admit but his baggage is affecting me. I like that he is very devoted Catholic, goes to mass daily, prays the rosary, follows all the church’s teachings, that’s why I want to wait for him because he has a lot to offer. Deep down I don’t trust when he tells me he loves me and is causing me lot of anxiety. I then start to doubt and feel insecure of myself.

You’ve allowed yourself to get to a level of emotional intimacy that is not congruent with the relationship. You feel attached to him, want to “wait” for him in hopes of him changing because you have an vision of what life could be like-- if ony he were different.

That is not a smart way to go. Hoping he will change, heal, be different-- no, you need to look at what is not what could be.

If you don’t like what IS then move on.

 

[chevalier]

Hey, Miriam. I’ll give you a more man-style piece of advice: don’t discount your instincts, they are life-savers sometimes, but do leave room for cold hard logic (which is a life-saver too on other occasions. Also, don’t be ruled by circumstance, timing, magic of the moment and such like.

Let’s look at some “facts”. You said he was very nice and sweet, but was a little cold toward you (quoting verbatim). I in no way wish to discount your feelings about it. Heck, I certainly notice the “a little cold” treatment whenever I get it from a woman, and I usually embark on a huge analysis as to the whys of it. Fact is, he does treat you in a way you don’t like.

The other fact is that pretty much everybody who has just lost a relationship is thrown off balance. Also, you said “a little”. Perhaps it was a polite understatement on your part, but still, if you are able to call it “a little”, then it shouldn’t really be the same type of huge issue as if you could only say he was strikingly cold (whichever type of flaw or bad act it is, pretty much all of us upset our neighbour at least in a light or moderate degree on occasions; few people are free of even light annoyances or defects). This type of a little cold behaviour can also be simply reserve or even the fact that he has been taxed and drained emotionally, so he isn’t really prepared to be enthusiastic. If his pool has been drained (temporarily), it’s no wonder he can’t draw too much water for the time being.

In connection with the above, while you’re guarding your heart, guard your head as well: it’s very common of people to expect cheerful enthusiasm, inexhaustible positive energy etc. Negativity is unattractive, nobody likes sad tales and nobody is really longing to become part of someone else’s problems. But pretty much any man (any person in general) will at one point or other have a melancholic moment or some mood swings or silent days or lose touch with reality a bit, or perhaps shell off, sink into himself, withdraw, then come back. And if you tie your lot to a man, you will become part of his problems (as well as he of yours). Just because something popped up sooner than later doesn’t necessarily mean he’s more of a mess than onther guys for it. Frequency (the mean-time-to-happen of a problem) is more important than the fact something problematic happened already so early in the relationship.

This type of rational thinking is also why some people don’t observe a mandatory timeout between relationships. If the previous relationship is certainly over, especially if you yourself don’t want to jump back into it (should opportunity present itself), then it would be a waste of opportunity to skip a great girl out of obedience to some societal taboos. And “rebound” is a bit of a taboo that works much like a moral rule despite not being one. Peel off the taboo, deal with the substance.

The substance, however, is that people are unstable, off balance when freshly out of a relationship. In fact, their taste in men or women may be affected and their needs are different than they are in the normal situation, attraction and commitment may be warped too. Comforters do get a “thank you but no” when the comforted return to normal, in quite a lot of cases. This is why people normally fear associating in a romantic way with someone who “is on a rebound”.

 

[Kelfa28]

In defense of rebound relationships in general…technically I was a rebound for my husband. He had just gotten out of a very serious relationship that led to an engagement with a girl three months prior to meeting me.

However…he was cordial, polite and wanted to take everything slowly to be sure that this was the right thing.

Four years later we got married.

I didn’t feel insecure or anxious around him. If I did…we never would have gotten to where we are today.

Just as the other posters here are saying…trust your instincts…if he doesn’t feel right to you, for whatever reason…break it off.
You know yourself better then anyone else.

 

[Lorelei12]

When you say “last December” do you mean as in, this past December, or have you been together a year now? Have you met him in person more than once?

Either way, I don’t think he actually sees you as the “love of his life”. If he did, there would be no need for you to wait around while he sorts everything out. When someone is truly the “love of your life”, you are ready to marry that person and you don’t cause him or her significant anxiety or doubt about your love. Perhaps he thought he meant it, but it was very sudden and too soon.

Should you wait for him to get himself together? I’d say no. While it’s possible he needs more time, you should not wait around. Meet and date other people, and if he eventually is ready for a relationship and you happen to be available and open to trying again, so be it. But right now, you don’t need him to bring you down with him.

 

[chevalier]

So, definitely suspend your judgement on his declarations of commitment. I’m not saying you should take them with a pinch of salt, no, don’t be cynical, just realise that he might be in less than full command of his senses in the romantic area and even with sincere intentions he could still be mistaken.

You can give him time, just don’t overinvest. If you think he’s worth it, you can wait a month or two and see if his condition and his act improves. Like I said, it’s irrational to attach too much sigificance to magical timings and everything clicking right away, and it’s a waste to skip a potentially great guy just because he’s not ready right now while he could be ready in, say, a month or two. (A month or two isn’t enough to get completely over a relationship but it’s enough to improve.)

Also, don’t fall in the trap of thinking that it’s somehow insulting for a woman to wait for a man. Nope, it’s not. It’s also not insulting to a woman in any way when a man approaches her without having his life impeccably sorted, neatly pressed and all ends tied. In fact, it’s insulting of women when they expect that of men (especially without offering the same themselves). You have the right to skip the guy, of course, for example as a result of deciding that you don’t want to take the risk or can’t handle the limbo and I wouldn’t blame you for that, but don’t give in to thinking that this situation is somehow insulting to you.

Last but not least, his declarations of undying love and commitment two weeks after meeting you do seem to resemble typical rebound exaggeration caused by heavy emotions rampaging a person’s system. I too would be worried. If you do meet someone who really is your type and all, then you don’t need half a year to figure that out. If I really met a good match, I would probably know within the first couple of hours, especially if I had the opportunity to discuss the Catholic non-negotiables and a couple of my personal ones, which would remove the need to keep some reserve due to potential incompatibility on important issues. It may be a coincidence that this is all happening so fast and just after a previous relationship ended. But the gentleman is clearly under the influence of heavy emotions, his previous relationship left him temporarily off balance, like everybody in such a situation he may be looking for comfort and security right now, which may be skewing his priorities. So give it time and be alert but perhaps don’t yet cross him out.

And again, you can’t have people in a top shape whenever you want them. Today it’s a recent break-up, some other day it would be a funeral or a sacking from job or divorce in his family. People have the right to be affected by those things and process them at their own pace as opposed to being a ready fountain of positive emotions for others. IMHO women are somewhat prone to making this error and denying a man the right to be somewhat human.

 

[EasterJoy]

So, definitely suspend your judgement on his declarations of commitment. I’m not saying you should take them with a pinch of salt, no, don’t be cynical, just realise that he might be in less than full command of his senses in the romantic area and even with sincere intentions he could still be mistaken.

You can give him time, just don’t overinvest. If you think he’s worth it, you can wait a month or two and see if his condition and his act improves. Like I said, it’s irrational to attach too much sigificance to magical timings and everything clicking right away, and it’s a waste to skip a potentially great guy just because he’s not ready right now while he could be ready in, say, a month or two. (A month or two isn’t enough to get completely over a relationship but it’s enough to improve.)

Also, don’t fall in the trap of thinking that it’s somehow insulting for a woman to wait for a man. Nope, it’s not. It’s also not insulting to a woman in any way when a man approaches her without having his life impeccably sorted, neatly pressed and all ends tied. In fact, it’s insulting of women when they expect that of men (especially without offering the same themselves). You have the right to skip the guy, of course, for example as a result of deciding that you don’t want to take the risk or can’t handle the limbo and I wouldn’t blame you for that, but don’t give in to thinking that this situation is somehow insulting to you.

Last but not least, his declarations of undying love and commitment two weeks after meeting you do seem to resemble typical rebound exaggeration caused by heavy emotions rampaging a person’s system. I too would be worried. If you do meet someone who really is your type and all, then you don’t need half a year to figure that out. If I really met a good match, I would probably know within the first couple of hours, especially if I had the opportunity to discuss the Catholic non-negotiables and a couple of my personal ones, which would remove the need to keep some reserve due to potential incompatibility on important issues. It may be a coincidence that this is all happening so fast and just after a previous relationship ended. But the gentleman is clearly under the influence of heavy emotions, his previous relationship left him temporarily off balance, like everybody in such a situation he may be looking for comfort and security right now, which may be skewing his priorities. So give it time and be alert but perhaps don’t yet cross him out.

And again, you can’t have people in a top shape whenever you want them. Today it’s a recent break-up, some other day it would be a funeral or a sacking from job or divorce in his family. People have the right to be affected by those things and process them at their own pace as opposed to being a ready fountain of positive emotions for others. IMHO women are somewhat prone to making this error and denying a man the right to be somewhat human.

Read what she wrote again: Deep down I don’t trust when he tells me he loves me and is causing me lot of anxiety. I then start to doubt and feel insecure of myself.

It is a huge mistake to rationalize reasons to ignore that kind of deep emotional recoil from the evolving terms of a relationship. Those kind of feelings have to be given heed, because she is not in any shape herself to proceed in a healthy relationship if she chooses to ignore them. He has his feelings…well, she has hers, too. When the relationship is right, in contrast, sticking in there and supporting your partner through rough times feels right on a deep level.

Honestly, she would have been entirely justified in putting the brakes on simply because he “told me I was the love of his life and he loved me” two weeks after meeting her in person! This is another red flag “He said he was with her because he hoped she was going to change, but he ended up getting hurt.” Note that he did not prompt the OP to write, “He realized that this was not a realistic course to have taken.” He did not let her think, “He realized that you can’t change people to suit you.” No, he said that when *she *didn’t change (which was the reasonable way to place his bets), he got hurt. He does not give the sign that he realizes that if he chooses to walk out if front of an oncoming car that he can see is out of control, it is not entirely the driver’s fault that he got run over! When he was cold to the OP at an event that he brought her for, he blamed it on the wounded he got from someone else. The guy gets the results he should have seen coming, and it is someone else’s issue? When does he take responsibility for his part in these messes?

Let him be. If he heals up, great, when they get together some day later on down the line, he will have quit talking the way he does. He’ll apologize for being so rash the first time around. As it is, he would do better if he got some very negative feedback about the way he’s running his relationships.

Yes, I am saying that if I were HIS SISTER and I saw and heard what the OP described my brother saying and doing, I would pray that the OP would have the sense to break up with him, because he obviously doesn’t have the common sense to figure these things out for himself. He needs someone to say, “Courtship is not a hospital for your feelings. It is not an improvement class for my faults, nor for yours. Courtship is where two people come as they are and see if they have something with each other that can grow and prosper from that starting point and foundation. Heal first, then court when you can do it without making excuses for yourself or making someone else your improvement project.” If he does not figure that out, then hurting others and getting his own feelings hurt is what he can expect to keep “happening” to him.

The OP sees a car barreling down the road in her direction. Her inner sense is to get out of its way. Let her!

 

[Eliza10]

Just wondering if you went to Mass daily when you were with him, so you were able to see that he truly is in the habit of making that a priority in his life.

Being in love with you and wanting to court you (have exclusivity with you) two weeks after “meeting” you online is a real warning sign for an abuser. They call for commitment FAST. Too weeks is too fast to talk about marraige, and before you have even met. Also, that he does all these Catholic things is not necessarily a good sign unless you have real evidence he has done these things for some time and is not taking on this persona to please you.

Then I see more signs that say, “Take care, he could be an abuser”. First, he flew you in for a company party. Narcissists really care about their public image, so being seen at the office party with an official date woudl be something that matters to them. Meeting the coworkers at the office is not a usual thing to do on a first date. You get to know each other and establish a relationship before you go meeting everyone.

Also you sensed he was cold, and you talk about his anger. These are big warning signs. Also that he does not have anything to say that is charitable about his ex.

All big problems, dear!

---

P.S. Manipulation and abusers know how to be nice while they are trying to get you, but one of the things they do is tell you what to think about things. Go with your gut!

 

[Eliza10]

/\ excellent thoughts, EasterJoy.

 

[chevalier]

Read what she wrote again: Deep down I don’t trust when he tells me he loves me and is causing me lot of anxiety. I then start to doubt and feel insecure of myself.

It is a huge mistake to rationalize reasons to ignore that kind of deep emotional recoil from the evolving terms of a relationship. Those kind of feelings have to be given heed, because she is not in any shape herself to proceed in a healthy relationship if she chooses to ignore them.

True but if you were to take that seriously to the letter, then the OP would indeed come out not ready for a relationship right now, regardless of anything to do with that particular guy.

He has his feelings…well, she has hers, too. When the relationship is right, in contrast, sticking in there and supporting your partner through rough times feels right on a deep level.

Okay, need simpler terms. I’m not seeing the link. I’m not saying it isn’t there, I’m just not seeing it. What am I missing?

Honestly, she would have been entirely justified in putting the brakes on simply because he “told me I was the love of his life and he loved me” two weeks after meeting her in person!

Yeah, that is a red flag. Other things not really. Plenty of at least somewhat irrational thinking. People lose relationship opportunities due to expecting others to be all-collected right then and there, or put too much emphasis on the “right time” or something along those lines.

This is another red flag “He said he was with her because he hoped she was going to change, but he ended up getting hurt.”

Same story of every hurt guy and probably every hurt gal too. Nothing really unusual there. Everybody sticks with a less than ideal person for a while basing on that hope until the time comes it’s been too much.

When he was cold to the OP at an event that he brought her for, he blamed it on the wounded he got from someone else. The guy gets the results he should have seen coming, and it is someone else’s issue? When does he take responsibility for his part in these messes?

I noticed the “a little” there. And “cold” is typically the impression introverts give. Or people who are reserved, or emotionally depleted right now. Being (acting) a little cold towards someone is not really the same as being cold to someone.

Let him be. If he heals up, great, when they get together some day later on down the line, he will have quit talking the way he does. He’ll apologize for being so rash the first time around. As it is, he would do better if he got some very negative feedback about the way he’s running his relationships.

I may be getting the wrong read but it almost sounds like you’re somewhat offended by his behaviour.

The OP sees a car barreling down the road in her direction. Her inner sense is to get out of its way. Let her!

Honestly, while the guy is in no shape for a relationship right now, in a month or two he can be either completely different or completely the same, only time will show, although he does appear somewhat unstable. There’s a great deal of misconceptions involved here perhaps due to the ladies not really understanding how a man thinks.

I guess it would be a good idea to ask how much time they spent with each other and how serious the conversations there. I can easily see myself making the realisation within two weeks if it involved long hours of serious talking, if I got the right answers and I knew she was being honest in them. Men are a bit more front-loaded. A woman would allow time to pass in order to gauge her own reactions and learn from them, a man wouldn’t really see the need. It still sounds unlikely and somewhat creepy but the amount of talking and the depth of it that had gone between them makes the differences here, like day and night.

 

[EasterJoy]

True but if you were to take that seriously to the letter, then the OP would indeed come out not ready for a relationship right now, regardless of anything to do with that particular guy.

Okay, need simpler terms. I’m not seeing the link. I’m not saying it isn’t there, I’m just not seeing it. What am I missing?

Yeah, that is a red flag. Other things not really. Plenty of at least somewhat irrational thinking. People lose relationship opportunities due to expecting others to be all-collected right then and there, or put too much emphasis on the “right time” or something along those lines.

Same story of every hurt guy and probably every hurt gal too. Nothing really unusual there. Everybody sticks with a less than ideal person for a while basing on that hope until the time comes it’s been too much.

I noticed the “a little” there. And “cold” is typically the impression introverts give. Or people who are reserved, or emotionally depleted right now. Being (acting) a little cold towards someone is not really the same as being cold to someone.

I may be getting the wrong read but it almost sounds like you’re somewhat offended by his behaviour.

Honestly, while the guy is in no shape for a relationship right now, in a month or two he can be either completely different or completely the same, only time will show, although he does appear somewhat unstable. There’s a great deal of misconceptions involved here perhaps due to the ladies not really understanding how a man thinks.

I guess it would be a good idea to ask how much time they spent with each other and how serious the conversations there. I can easily see myself making the realisation within two weeks if it involved long hours of serious talking.

I don’t think people lose relationship opportunities by opting out when the opportunity doesn’t meet the sniff test.

And yes, I am offended that he’s making excuses for himself. I have six brothers, lots of male friends, and I know how men think. Treating a woman in a way that hurts her feelings and blaming it on your last relationship is not a good sign. Take responsibility for how you act! Either say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I’ll take that into account next time” or else say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but that is how I treat my dates at parties…can we come to some kind of compromise or understanding?” or else “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I don’t see anything wrong with the way I acted. I’m willing to talk so I can understand what you’re saying better, but right now I don’t see anything I need to change.”

Do you see the difference? How the last girlfriend acted in not THIS girlfriend’s problem!! No, her only problem is knowing the BOYFRIEND’S expectations and boundaries and whether or not she can live with them. Leave this “oh, I’m still wounded” stuff out of it. Either you’re fit enough to be on the field, or you need to excuse yourself and stay on the sidelines longer. There’s no shame in being on the sidelines, but it is not cool to ask for favors of the kind he’s asking.