Am I morally obligated to support this marriage?

[PazzoGrande]

My cousin is getting married. She has been in an abusive relationship with this guy for 11 years. They began dating when she was in the middle of high school and he was in his late 20s. If they were older and had that age difference, it wouldn’t be so bad. But she is still a minor, it’s even considered rape in many jurisdictions. During this time, he did cheat on her and had a baby with some other girl.

In high school, she did well. After pairing with him, her grades went down. It took her years just to finish community college. It took her longer to get her two year degree than it took for me to get my double major Bachelor’s, which was five years.

After he impregnated her, her parents got angry so she moved out and got a place with him. Predictably, they soon began fighting, as they always have, and she wanted to go home to her parents. He got violent. On one occasion, it got so bad that she had to call the police and had a restraining order put on him. On that occasion, he even threw their newly-born son.

She moved back home, but eventually he moved in with them, and her parents built an extension to accommodate them and their kid.

But then she cheated on him, and when he found out, he got abusive and choked her. Her dad called the police and he was removed, and got his own place.

Again, my cousin went to move in with him in his new place and they reconciled. But it got to the point where he has to monitor all of her communications because he has no trust for her. I could also tell that they were always fighting at home, because she was always quick to anger and was combative all the time, a sign that things are going badly at home.

Time and again she came to me for advice about whether or not she should stay with him. My answer has always been no. Really, if you keep asking if a relationship is worth it for a decade, then the answer is no.

I could tell he was hurt about my dislike for him and I felt guilty for that, but time and again he behaved in foul ways to me so I feel that it’s fair for me to not like him. People who would see tell me it’s fair. He doesn’t know how to get along with people. It’s not just me – her parents don’t like him either but just put up with him for her sake.

I once told her that her relationship with him is an addiction. She replied in the affirmative, as if it’s something to be proud of. Constantly, I can see she defensively fortifies herself by saying she doesn’t care about what other people think of her relationship. But she keeps having to insist it, making me sense that she really does care and is hurt by it, but she’s just affirming that to herself over and over until she really believes her lie to herself.

They recently got engaged. Though they’re both baptised Catholics and their kids are baptised too, this is not a Church wedding. It’ll just be at a resort.

I feel reasonably sure I can predict what will happen. The same stuff will happen. The abuse will keep happening. I can be so sure because I’ve seen this pattern for 11 years now. Things might be pleasant for them now, but that’s just because of the excitement of planning the wedding. A few months after it, I guarantee they’ll start fighting again. Only a matter of time till he gets violent again.

I should also add that her relationship with him also ended up causing problems in her relationship with other relatives, not just me. It’s another long story I won’t go into here. But, to me this seems that the next time they fight and she needs help, she won’t be able to find it because there’s a wedge between her and the rest of us who helped her but she managed to screw us over for it. I feel like he’s going to end up killing her.

I don’t want to attend the wedding. It feel like it’s the beginning of Armageddon. I always hoped for her sake that he would be that one youthful mistake that she matured and learned from, and would ditch him. When their first kid was born, it made him a permanent part of her life. And it’s as it marrying him is signing her own death warrant.

I feel like I’m being a jerk because on one level I should be happy for them. Yet on another level, I know this won’t work out well and that she’s binding herself to a destructive person who has and will destroy herself in the process. How can I support that? I wouldn’t be able to fake looking happy if I attended.

One could say that people change and he might get better. But on the other hand, it hasn’t happened before, so there’s no reason it will happen now.

Even with sacramental marriages, sometimes divorce or separation is the only sensible option because one of the parties is abusive, and the other party is being destroyed by the bad person.

If your advice for me would be to stay out of it, I’d like to point out that I’m not interfering. The question is just if I should attend the wedding and be happy for them – something which my conscience isn’t comfortable with. But the again, being a quiet objector doesn’t fit well with my conscience either, as it’s bringing down what should be a happy occasion and is maybe selfish.

I view him like a drug. But then, I feel that also makes me fall into the sin of judging.

Should I have the same stance as her parents, who don’t like him but force themselves to support their daughter’s wedding? I think part of the problem is precisely their attitude, because if they had put their foot down in the past, she would have been disciplined and matured above it. The implicitly enabled this.

Is it okay for me to just quietly object, and not attend? But by boycotting it, as I and another one of my cousins intend to do, we feel that we’d be ruining her big day, since she’ll probably be obsessing about us not being there, which might be selfish. I’d like to be supportive, but that’s like saying I’ll support her taking drugs because it makes her happy even though I know it would kill her.

My conscience isn’t comfortable with either option.

 

[Holly3278]

I would quietly object and just don’t go. This relationship seems to have some red flags. I imagine that the abuse will continue unless her boyfriend gets help for his abusive tendencies.

 

[Petaro]

It is only a cousin involved, I would not go. They don’t appear to be of my class anyway. You are probably thinking along the same lines. Is the dress code formal? If not I would stay away.
As for the relationship, someone will end up in jail and you really would not want to know them then. I find when people start cheating, bashing choking, getting restraining orders, throwing babies at each other like volley ball, then you get that undefined “feeling” that something may be a bit remiss. Go with your gut on this one.

 

[PazzoGrande]

It is only a cousin involved, I would not go. They don’t appear to be of my class anyway. You are probably thinking along the same lines. Is the dress code formal? If not I would stay away.
As for the relationship, someone will end up in jail and you really would not want to know them then. I find when people start cheating, bashing choking, getting restraining orders, throwing babies at each other like volley ball, then you get that undefined “feeling” that something may be a bit remiss. Go with your gut on this one.

Well, it isn’t fair to say we are “just” cousins, since we were close. But, we were talking on Facebook and she asked me (again) if she should stay with him and I said no. Thing is, he went into her phone and looked at those messages, forbade her from talking to me, so that’s why there’s a wedge between us. Before that, we were close. I liked her but now he doesn’t like me because he knows what I really think of him – another thing that’ll make it awkward: how can I attend a wedding where the groom doesn’t like me and the bride isn’t allowed to talk to me?

But that close relationship we once had is what makes me feel guilty. I’d like to be supportive, yet I can’t because it’s like helping fuel a drug addiction. She helped me when I needed it before. I had tough times after my dad died and she was always there. And that is what makes me feel guilty. I owe her support, which I did give before.

I also don’t see how the dress code matters though. It’s not formal by my standards, but it’s probably the most dressed up the guy will ever get. It will be at an expensive resort here though. This is Hawaii, and things tend to be expensive at resorts, even though the way people dress gets less formal the more south and west you are in the US.

But you mention the class thing, the guy once complained to other cousins that he feels like I look down on him precisely because he doesn’t come from a good background. The thing is, I don’t care about that, what makes me disdain him is that he’s a jerk. Education and income have nothing to do with it. When he saw me tell my cousin on Facebook my dislike for him isn’t what’s down on paper but is because he’s a jerk, it must have hurt him a lot, contributing to making her stop talking to me. It’s like he dislikes himself and he’s taking it out on me and another cousin who feels the same about him. It would be smarter for him to prove I’d wrong, but that’s not happening.

Thanks so far to the both of you for your thoughts.

 

[PazzoGrande]

Quick question, theoretically if this were a sacramental marriage and binding in the Eyes of God, would your advice be any different?

It’s not relevant in my case, but it is interesting to explore.

 

[MrsR]

Gee this sounds like a bad situation. I don’t like thinking about people living in these unhealthy relationships.

In answer to your question I would decline the offer for the wedding maybe send a card or telegram with a prayer for their future and well wishes. I wouldn’t decline on the grounds that the wedding is a mistake though (even though it is) I wouldn’t attend because like you said it would be awkward and may create unease between the two of them. relationships like this require very little ammunition to cause an explosion and your presence may cause a spark. it’s up to you though and God bless you for caring enough to even create this thread!

 

[Beryllos]

Would it make sense to go, not to endorse the marriage, but to show support for your cousin? It would be a way to come closer to her and keep lines of communication open. It would be tricky, however, to do that without offending the beastly husband.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

My cousin is getting married. She has been in an abusive relationship with this guy for 11 years. They began dating when she was in the middle of high school and he was in his late 20s. If they were older and had that age difference, it wouldn’t be so bad. But she is still a minor, it’s even considered rape in many jurisdictions. During this time, he did cheat on her and had a baby with some other girl…

Don’t feel bad about not going but about the mistake she is making. You should definitely skip the wedding, you can’t stop it, she won’t listen, and it is an illicit wedding in the eyes of the Church, because, I guarantee you she has not obtained the permission of the Bishop to have this type of wedding - which she is obliged to do. So stay away!!!

Linus2nd

 

[pianistclare]

I think there is a distinct difference between supporting the marriage, as you say, and whether or not you go to the wedding.
As one poster said, going to the wedding might keep the lines of communication open in case you need to intervene with the authorities in the future for her safety.

On the other hand, if this guy has already made up his mind about you, it might be irrelevant. The damage is done to your relationship with your cousin.

I guess if it were me, I’d stay home. Write or send her a loving note, stating that you love her and are praying for her happiness and safety. That if she ever needs you, that you are there for her. But that in good conscience, you cannot go and give your blessing for something that you feel will bring her sorrow in the long run. She won’t want to hear it, but it needs to be said by someone who loves her. Again.
I’m so sorry this is happening. We can only give it to God in prayer at this point.
Peace,
pianist

 

[MJJean]

Since they are both catholic and both bound to marry in front of a priest this marriage won’t be valid due to lack of form anyways. So you have a moral reason to object to the wedding in case you need one.

Not only would I not go, I’d send her a long message telling her that you love her, will always be there for her, but you aren’t going because you think she is making one of the biggest mistakes of her life and you pray she won’t go through with it. Give reasons. Cite examples. Do what you can within reason to dissuade her from this course.

 

[ManyFaces]

No, you are not morally obligated to attend. As both bride and groom know how you feel about their relationship your invitation may have been made out courtesy, nothing more.

 

[PazzoGrande]

Thanks so far for your answers. It’s all been very helpful.

One weird quirk I could add, I might have to drop my mom there. Naturally they’ll ask how she got there, she’ll say I dropped her off and then I’ll pick her up, then they’ll naturally notice I really could have gone but did not.

That is only going to highlight to the bride and groom that I’m intentionally not going. Somehow I feel like this could make the groom mad and he might take it out on her on their wedding day.

I can make that hypothesis because something similar happened before, he was being rude to me so I got mad and called him an a**, and he took it out on her and fought with her. He’s not one for common sense. Not unimaginable that something similar will happen then.

Even not attending poses its problems. Weird, huh? Unpleasant if I go, unpleasant if I don’t.

 

[MJJean]

Thanks so far for your answers. It’s all been very helpful.

One weird quirk I could add, I might have to drop my mom there. Naturally they’ll ask how she got there, she’ll say I dropped her off and then I’ll pick her up, then they’ll naturally notice I really could have gone but did not.

That is only going to highlight to the bride and groom that I’m intentionally not going. Somehow I feel like this could make the groom mad and he might take it out on her on their wedding day.

I can make that hypothesis because something similar happened before, he was being rude to me so I got mad and called him an a**, and he took it out on her and fought with her. He’s not one for common sense. Not unimaginable that something similar will happen then.

Even not attending poses its problems. Weird, huh? Unpleasant if I go, unpleasant if I don’t.

She’s been dealing with this for over a decade. It’s ok to let it be her problem. If she wanted the kind of man who wouldn’t treat her that way she’d have left long ago. The bottom line is that she is an adult, knows who she is dealing with, and you can’t help her unless she actually comes to her senses and asks for help.

 

[Netty1]

It is only a cousin involved, I would not go. They don’t appear to be of my class anyway. You are probably thinking along the same lines. Is the dress code formal? If not I would stay away.

As for the relationship, someone will end up in jail and you really would not want to know them then. I find when people start cheating, bashing choking, getting restraining orders, throwing babies at each other like volley ball, then you get that undefined “feeling” that something may be a bit remiss. Go with your gut on this one.

God shines His light on everyone irrespective of class, and Christ associated with the outcasts of His time.

The OP has a difficult choice given the violent history and family dynamics, but superficial reasons like class and formal dress…well I just don’t see the relevance.

 

[agnes_therese]

I feel like I’m being a jerk because on one level I should be happy for them.

No. There is absolutely no level on which you should be happy for them.

Is it okay for me to just quietly object, and not attend?

Absolutely.

But by boycotting it, as I and another one of my cousins intend to do, we feel that we’d be ruining her big day, since she’ll probably be obsessing about us not being there, which might be selfish. I’d like to be supportive, but that’s like saying I’ll support her taking drugs because it makes her happy even though I know it would kill her.

That’s exactly the right analogy. If you go, you’ll be giving her the impression that all your previous advice to leave this abuser can be thrown out the window.

I really wouldn’t go. And I’d tell her why.

 

[pewvivace]

Would it make sense to go, not to endorse the marriage, but to show support for your cousin? It would be a way to come closer to her and keep lines of communication open. It would be tricky, however, to do that without offending the beastly husband.

I think Beryllos is right, be supportive and maybe you’ll be able to mend fences with him. Give them the opportunity for a fresh start. If you and your other cousin do attend it could be a significant gesture that they would appreciate.

 

[mfdc]

Why not attend Mass instead and pray for her. You said he threw the newborn son, was the child ok! I think she must feel like no one else will ever love her. Pray to St. Dymphna she was abused by her husband! Tell her and him you will not attend the wedding because a man should never hit a woman and you cannot allow this to take place. The real question is why her parents are letting her marry this pig! At least her parents can watch out for her safety in the addition, but I would try to document the abuse using a hidden video camera, such as a hidden cam, or a nanny cam. I know it’s an invasion of privacy of their home, but if he is jailed you might get your cousin and the baby to safety and counseling! Being a witness is a good start but think of their son, and the fact he cheats and it doesn’t matter, but she did he beat her. The nanny cam might seem sleezy, but if you document The abuse on camera he can get arrested and prosecuted without her. She’s trapped and I’m sure doesn’t want to get hit, but has been with him since HS and he had all the power!

 

[PazzoGrande]

Why not attend Mass instead and pray for her. You said he threw the newborn son, was the child ok! I think she must feel like no one else will ever love her. Pray to St. Dymphna she was abused by her husband! Tell her and him you will not attend the wedding because a man should never hit a woman and you cannot allow this to take place. The real question is why her parents are letting her marry this pig! At least her parents can watch out for her safety in the addition, but I would try to document the abuse using a hidden video camera, such as a hidden cam, or a nanny cam. I know it’s an invasion of privacy of their home, but if he is jailed you might get your cousin and the baby to safety and counseling! Being a witness is a good start but think of their son, and the fact he cheats and it doesn’t matter, but she did he beat her. The nanny cam might seem sleezy, but if you document The abuse on camera he can get arrested and prosecuted without her. She’s trapped and I’m sure doesn’t want to get hit, but has been with him since HS and he had all the power!

The kid is okay. I’m actually his godfather! Makes it all the sadder, doesn’t it?

I’d imagine he’s probably been still abusive to the kids, I don’t know for sure because I’ve avoided him like the plague, plus my cousin would conceal it from us if he did to save face. She does make up a lot of excuses for him.

Yeah I don’t get why her parents are condoning it either. When they were planning for the wedding, they even concealed it from her parents so they wouldn’t interfere. But after the plans were set and the parents were told, they even contributed money for the wedding and reception – even though they’ve both quietly admitted their dislike for him.

I appreciate the suggestion of a nannycam, but to me that feels like it turns into interference. I’ve always pledged not to interfere except to give my honest advice whenever asked for it (which got him to dislike me when he saw what I really think of him).

I don’t think she feels nobody else would love her (although he should feel that way, she should not). She’s attractive without her post-pregnancy weight. And she got bites from the guy she cheated on him with. It’s all just the addiction to him.

 

[PazzoGrande]

I think Beryllos is right, be supportive and maybe you’ll be able to mend fences with him. Give them the opportunity for a fresh start. If you and your other cousin do attend it could be a significant gesture that they would appreciate.

Thank you pewvivace and beryllos for your advice.

Seems to me that the possibilities of a fresh start have been repeatedly given and squandered. Fool me once, shame in you; fool me twice, shame on me. Giving him more opportunities for a fresh start seems like madness by now, as he’s had numerous times to straighten up his act.

I’d like to like him, really.

 

[mfdc]

Abuse of infants can cause learning delays and health problems as the child grows. He doesn’t care for the child and as the godfather it is your duty to raise the child Catholic. Pray, because prayer and Mass are the best ways to help! One day he could kill her or the child. I have to say that this happens too often. A friend at a prayer group gave a testimony. She said she was put in a coma and lost her child (pregnant) to domestic abuse. Her boyfriend was jealous of her seeing people, and worried the child wasn’t his. He got off at first because he manipulated her and she told the police she had fallen down the stairs and cut her wrist on a piece of glass not a knife. A neighbor called the cops. He had control over her. It got to a point where she had passed rock bottom with him. She was walking and passed by a catholic church. She felt peace from inside. She finally went to a shelter, got counseling, and has been married now to a man who loves her, is catholic and is really discovering her Catholicism again. Her parents were thrilled, because the other man wouldn’t let her talk to them and she had lost her faith and child. She testified at his trial and he is away for attempted murder. She said it was cathartic, but she was happy God reached for her in all the terrible sufferings she endured and she listened to his peace .