Am I overreacting and worrying too much

[Carjack1]

:crying:

So. My husband made a new friend at work. Her name is “Belinda”. She is always texting and talking to him He spent all day with her Saturday because I was working. She didn’t want to come in and meet me because she is not good at first meetings and it is nothing personal Supposedly her husband is the jealous type(which is strange because she has all the time to do this) My husband shows me all of her texts. He doesn’t go and hide from me when he is on the phone with her. (which is a good sign). He mentioned that she is “cute” and slender, which in turn made me insecure, because I am overweight. I don’t know. I feel like I am overreacting. I don’t want to seem like I am a jealous psycho. I want to meet this woman and feel that I have every right to. If I was hanging out with somebody’s husband I would introduce myself since I don’t have any inappropriate intentions.

 

[duskyjewel]

He spent a whole day with her while you were gone? And he just happened to mention in passing that she is “slender” and “cute?”

He may not be hiding it because he is flaunting it… daring you to react. I don’t see anything good coming from this.

My husband works in an office full of women. I call them “the hens.” Many of them “mother” him in worrying about whether he should ride his motorcycle or not. He knows about their kids, and they know about ours. They talk about stuff like that. I know their names and have met them in passing when visiting his office. I know he likes some of them and considers them friends. But he has never spent any time outside of work with any of them except for office lunches!

I do not object to opposite sex friends. Some people will tell you that no married person should have opposite sex friends, but I do not agree that anyone has to be that strict.

However, in light of your previous posts about your husband, and now the fact that he makes remarks about how slender she is when you are overweight, and spent a WHOLE DAY with her… I’m sorry, that just does not seem right. Having lunch for an hour or two I could see… but the whole day?

The whole thing seems fishy, but especially the weight-related remarks sound emotionally abusive.

 

[estesbob]

:crying:

So. My husband made a new friend at work. Her name is “Belinda”. She is always texting and talking to him He spent all day with her Saturday because I was working. She didn’t want to come in and meet me because she is not good at first meetings and it is nothing personal Supposedly her husband is the jealous type(which is strange because she has all the time to do this) My husband shows me all of her texts. He doesn’t go and hide from me when he is on the phone with her. (which is a good sign). He mentioned that she is “cute” and slender, which in turn made me insecure, because I am overweight. I don’t know. I feel like I am overreacting. I don’t want to seem like I am a jealous psycho. I want to meet this woman and feel that I have every right to. If I was hanging out with somebody’s husband I would introduce myself since I don’t have any inappropriate intentions.

I would not be comfortable if my spouse spent a Saturday with a coworker of the opposite sex. I would not be comfortable if my spouse was receiving numerous text messages from a coworker who is a member of the opposite sex. I most certainly would not be comfortable with a spouse who did not want me to meet a coworker who is a member of the opposite sex, is spending Saturdays with him, and text messaging him all the time.

I seriously doubt anything is going on However I just don’t think this is a healthy relationship for your husband to be in. I don’t think you’re overreacting and I think that at the very least you should meet her. Id also ask yor husband just exactly what is at he is expecting to get out of this relationship?

 

[BlestOne]

Couple of things here…
I suspect you are a little low on self esteem because of the weight thing… but I think your dh is not exactly being prudent about his friendship with this person. If my dh didn’t insist on introducing his female friends I would feel like that too… and texting? unless it is work related, I don’t see the purpose of a married woman texting a man that is not her husband… forgive me if my age is showing here but not really appropriate imho.

Try to relax and be cordial but let dh know it bothers you. If he doesn’t insist she meet you, then he should insist she not call and text with any frequency.

 

[duskyjewel]

Yeah, I forgot about the not wanting wife to meet friend. That is a BAD sign. No matter what the silly excuse given. She’s certainly comfortable enough with your husband… how long ago did she meet HIM?

I think estesbob is probably right in that nothing really bad has probably happened yet, but boundaries are already being crossed, and once that happens, the next line is easier, and the next one is even easier.

And both of them are showing you a huge amount of disrespect as his wife.

 

[whatevergirl]

You’re not overreacting…I agree with everyone else. The fact that she didn’t want to come in to meet you, is a crimson flag in my book. She is not good at first meetings…(with other men’s wives?) lol Sorry, couldn’t resist.

You know, people think that affairs (I’m not saying your dh is anywhere near this, so please just bear with me ) start like over night. They typically start with just friendly, chit chatty things. Imagine sin to be like putting a frog into scalding hot water…wouldn’t the frog jump out immediately? But, imagine if you place a frog in cold water, and just slowly…every day…started turning the heat up. The frog might not jump out when the water started to boil, because the sin was gradual, and the frog became immune to the temp increase.

I am not saying your husband is sinning, or anything like that. I just think that affairs are not something that begin over night. They are often started with ‘innocent’ comments, and daily flirtations…that at the time seem meaningless…but if left unchecked, can lead to temptation to sin.

Anyways–I don’t think you’re overreacting. Was this work necessary–to be spending all day Saturday together? If you were NOT working that day, would they have been together?

 

[1ke]

No you are not overreacting. This is how affairs begin.

Your husband is not being prudent, he is disrespecting you, and he is playing with fire.

There is no room for opposite sex friendships of this nature for a married man. He needs to stop it NOW. He is receiving something emotionally from this and it needs to STOP.

 

[Carjack1]

I think estesbob is probably right in that nothing really bad has probably happened yet, but boundaries are already being crossed, and once that happens, the next line is easier, and the next one is even easier.:yup:

I agree completely with this statement. I feel that this has potential to be dangerous

 

[Carjack1]

You’re not overreacting…I agree with everyone else. The fact that she didn’t want to come in to meet you, is a crimson flag in my book. She is not good at first meetings…(with other men’s wives?) lol Sorry, couldn’t resist.

You know, people think that affairs (I’m not saying your dh is anywhere near this, so please just bear with me ) start like over night. They typically start with just friendly, chit chatty things. Imagine sin to be like putting a frog into scalding hot water…wouldn’t the frog jump out immediately? But, imagine if you place a frog in cold water, and just slowly…every day…started turning the heat up. The frog might not jump out when the water started to boil, because the sin was gradual, and the frog became immune to the temp increase.

I am not saying your husband is sinning, or anything like that. I just think that affairs are not something that begin over night. They are often started with ‘innocent’ comments, and daily flirtations…that at the time seem meaningless…but if left unchecked, can lead to temptation to sin.

Anyways–I don’t think you’re overreacting. Was this work necessary–to be spending all day Saturday together? If you were NOT working that day, would they have been together?

This is a good metaphor

 

[Carjack1]

You have a point. I need to find out what I am not supplying on an emotional level and then address it. Thank You for pointing that out.

No you are not overreacting. This is how affairs begin.

Your husband is not being prudent, he is disrespecting you, and he is playing with fire.

There is no room for opposite sex friendships of this nature for a married man. He needs to stop it NOW. He is receiving something emotionally from this and it needs to STOP.

 

[Scottgun]

The fact that she didn’t want to come in to meet you, is a crimson flag in my book.

Big, honking red flag.

 

[estesbob]

You have a point. I need to find out what I am not supplying on an emotional level and then address. Thank You for pointing that out.

Don’t beat up on yourself too much. If you are not supplying him with he needs he needs to tell you, not attempt to find it with another woman.

 

[Carjack1]

Ok. I am glad that I am not overreacting. I know my husband was talking to her husband on the phone Sunday and is going to lend his dvds to them. She allegedly is coming over with her husband Saturday. So we’ll see how that goes. I am going to be there. The only that bothered me is that my husband told her husband that he is lucky to have her. I then retorted (like a petulant child, which showed my jealousy(I know it is a sin), are you lucky to have me? . My husband doesn’t think sometimes. I know I mentioned the situation to my MIL and she said that when I meet her to ask her why is she on the phone with my husband so much?(would that be too bold?) We are still in our honeymoon phase, I thought this would be the last thing that I needed to worry about. .

 

[kevinsgirl]

Carjack–

Nope, hon, you’re not overreacting.

I work with all guys, DH works with all girls (I’m an engineer, he’s in the education field). We have work friends on both sides, but neither of us hang out with coworkers without the other spouse present.

Like the other posters have said, it may start off innocent, but it’s not a good idea to try to have a really good friend of the opposite sex when you’re married. If you’ve known each other since second grade or something like that, maybe I could see hanging out. But a coworker? And one the other spouse has never met? No way.

I hope your husband can come to realize that he’s got to consider you in this.

kevinsgirl

 

[duskyjewel]

This woman has no vows with you, no obligation to you. Your husband took vows with you. He is the one you should deal with.

Be honest. Tell him, calmly, that you are bothered by the frequency of their calling/texting, that them spending a whole day alone away from their spouses is inappropriate, that him not wanting you to meet her gives you cause to worry, and that his remarks about her weight are cruel and out of line. He chose to marry an overweight woman. He has no business punishing you for it!

 

[kevinsgirl]

This woman has no vows with you, no obligation to you. Your husband took vows with you. He is the one you should deal with.

Be honest. Tell him, calmly, that you are bothered by the frequency of their calling/texting, that them spending a whole day alone away from their spouses is inappropriate, that him not wanting you to meet her gives you cause to worry, and that his remarks about her weight are cruel and out of line.

Ditto!

 

[whatevergirl]

Ok. I am glad that I am not overreacting. I know my husband was talking to her husband on the phone Sunday and is going to lend his dvds to them. She allegedly is coming over with her husband Saturday. So we’ll see how that goes. I am going to be there. The only that bothered me is that my husband told her husband that he is lucky to have her. I then retorted (like a petulant child, which showed my jealousy(I know it is a sin), are you lucky to have me? . My husband doesn’t think sometimes. I know I mentioned the situation to my MIL and she said that when I meet her to ask her why is she on the phone with my husband so much?(would that be too bold?) We are still in our honeymoon phase, I thought this would be the last thing that I needed to worry about. .

This could be a good thing–maybe you two will become friends, who knows? But, I wouldn’t ask her directly…they are coming over it sounds like to have a nice time…two couples hanging out. I wouldn’t ask her anything like that. Your husband should shut his phone/blackberry off at some point…there’s no need to answer every single message that flows through our blackberries, when we are home. I was chatting about this with my sister the other night…it seems like in our culture now, we are expected to be on call, if we have blackberries, 24/7.

I think that your husband might have just been being nice when he said…‘you’re lucky to have her.’ You know? Just something to say. I wouldn’t read too much into that.

But, this is precisely why this thing needs to stop. He needs to make you feel special, and not leave you doubting his attraction, etc for you. I hope your double date with this couple works out…!

Please keep us posted. (((hugs)))

 

[estesbob]

Ok. I am glad that I am not overreacting. I know my husband was talking to her husband on the phone Sunday and is going to lend his dvds to them. She allegedly is coming over with her husband Saturday. So we’ll see how that goes. I am going to be there. The only that bothered me is that my husband told her husband that he is lucky to have her. I then retorted (like a petulant child, which showed my jealousy(I know it is a sin), are you lucky to have me? . My husband doesn’t think sometimes. I know I mentioned the situation to my MIL and she said that when I meet her to ask her why is she on the phone with my husband so much?(would that be too bold?) We are still in our honeymoon phase, I thought this would be the last thing that I needed to worry about. .

I wouldn’t confront her about the phone calls and text messages. This is something you’ need worked out between you and your husband.

As I said before quit being so hard on yourself. you’re not acting like a petulant child. , The remark your husband made was insensitive-but don’t read too much into that either- most of us men tend to be insensitive jerks.

 

[Trishie]

Does your husband reply to the text messages! He shouldn’t encourage her. He has the responsibility to repel the advances. Not doing so and allowing himself to be flattered, and this in your ‘honeymoon stage’…hmmm

He’s keeping you informed…or boasting!..but he is playing with fire. I’d be jealous too. He’s damaging your ability to trust him and trust his love for you, and that can cause so much pain and negativity.

I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers, that your husband wakes up and turns all his attention to loving and supporting you.

 

[mark_a]

She is always texting and talking to him

He spent all day with her Saturday because I was working.

She didn’t want to come in and meet me because she is not good at first meetings and it is nothing personal

My husband shows me all of her texts.

He mentioned that she is “cute” and slender

All not good. Sorry to say his behavior is rooted in immaturity and insecurity.

Supposedly her husband is the jealous type(which is strange because she has all the time to do this)

Not good for your husband’s life expectancy.