Am I overreacting and worrying too much

[kmleo]

SAINT MONICA!!! PRAY FOR CARJACK!!!

Sweetie, you are being bullied. He didn’t cancel his Saturday plans because you “b@#$@” too much. He cancelled because he got caught and doesn’t want to admit his problems. My DH used to pull this stunt with me, so I recognize it! Next time he says something evern remotely hateful to you, ask him why he feels he must be a bully? When he drops into “yes”/“no” mode, let him know that the problem will not go away, but you will give him some time to think about how he wants to proceed.

However, before you do all that, THANK HIM. Thank him for realizing that your marriage is more important than this girl. Thank him for caring about you. Thank him for understanding why Saturday was an inappropriate arrangement. He is a dog (sorry for the analogy, fellas) who needs to be praised for finally getting it right – make sure he hears that he did the right thing, even if he did it grudgingly.

I agree with the suggestion of counselling, but you’ll have a tough time getting the offender to agree to the “sentence.” Instead, I am a huge fan of praying your way through these things. Spend some (lots of is better) time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and let the Holy Spirit guide you. Ask Jesus to heal you first so that you can be an influence upon him to start being a man. Pray for discernment that you will only say things that Jesus would say to him and that he will be moved to act in decency. PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! Let him see you praying (rosaries are great for this). You can’t change him, but you can get yourself right – there will be more fireworks ahead, so stay faithful. God will guide you if you ask Him to.

You are in my prayers, girl! PM me anytime, even just to complain or vent.

 

[BlestOne]

I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said that she will not come over on Saturday because I bch so much.*** OK… how would she know unless he is telling her as much???* He also said that since he can’t have friends that he will drop her and he thought that I was better than that.* Ahhh the old “guilt trip” routine to shift the blame to you… btdt!* Then she sent a text saying “sorry, I thought you were my husband when I sent love ya. so sorry.” I was furious because my husband should of told me that she sent love ya. He said “are you kidding? you would fly off the handle.” *And this didn’t concern him? A woman sending him an I love you text??? He should have been more alarmed than you! *I said that I want to meet her. what is the problem with that. He then “punished” me by not cooking dinner because he said he didn’t want to talk about her. I am sorry but I am not happy with “yes” “no” answers when I am trying to have a conversation. His yes/no responses were telling me that he just wanted me to shut up. *Exactly! *He also want to tell her in person about cancelling for saturday when I insisted he text her. *Wait… she can send love ya in a text but he can’t cancel movie watching??? *I think his attitude shows he doesn’t give a hoot about me or maybe I am over analyzing everything. I don’t want to push him away

*Carjack… I think I would get to the bottom of this right away. His responsibility is to you not her. Your feelings come first, not hers! *

 

[Carjack1]

if your husband is quitting his saturday boy-girl movie fest because you’re a b***h, then he’s very disordered. he oughta not have made these plans in the first place.

carjack, you married a jerk. how is it that you don’t already **KNOW **this? I think you are right. We are going on 5 years. I never had no issue with him before. Truth of the matter is I changed ALOT. Not that this behavior is excusable, because it is NOT. I was one person before getting married and now I am different.

please seek personal counseling. this is much bigger than a dangerous flirtation. this is bigger, even, than a crooked marriage. this is about a woman whos’ willing to ignore every smart/ true thing she’s telling herself.

 

[shannyk]

Carjack, I’ve been reading this thread since the start, and all I see is you blaming yourself for your husbands UTTERLY INEXCUSABLE behavior.

You are not overreacting, he’s being totally inappropriate. TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE!!! He’s acting like a 16 year old who’s mom isn’t being ‘cool’ about his girlfriend. It’s WAYYYYYYYYY out of line!! The nature of his interaction with her, and the way he’s reacting shows his immaturity. I’m sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth hon.

You can’t take this too seriously in my opinion. This won’t stop here if it’s not nipped in the bud.

I think your hubby is a rescuer, and this woman in MANIPULATING him into thinking she needs to be rescued. The old damsel in distress thing. Very likely her DH is not controlling, he’s probably a lot like your DH and fell for her damsel routine. Now that her DH has figured her out, and she’s not getting the attention she wants from him (coddling, etc.) she’s moved on to greener pastures. AND your husband, being a rescuer, get’s a LOT of self bolstering from rescuing a damsel, especially a slim, cute one. And BTW WHY WOULD ANY MAN SAY THAT TO HIS WIFE!!! It’s a dig, plain and simple. He sad it, to get to you.

Carjack, I’m a ‘not that slim’ woman myself, and I KNOW what we do when it comes to men… we let things like this GO because we don’t have the self worth to think we deserve BETTER. We rationalize to the nth degree. We think we are lucky to have ANY man, let alone one who treats us as we deserve to be treated. Let me tell you that is BS. Total BS. I don’t care if you are a size 2 or 32, this is NOT OK behavior on his part. Plain and simple.

Carjack, I’ve SO BTDT, which is why this probably sounds so harsh, but I’m seeing myself in this situation, and I know how it went down, and how things spiraled in the following years. Please, don’t just let this go!!!

You have prayers galore from me, prayers prayers prayers!!! And feel free to PM me anytime. :hug1:

 

[estesbob]

I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said that she will not come over on Saturday because I b**ch so much. He also said that since he can’t have friends that he will drop her and he thought that I was better than that. Then she sent a text saying “sorry, I thought you were my husband when I sent love ya. so sorry.” I was furious because my husband should of told me that she sent love ya. He said “are you kidding? you would fly off the handle.” I said that I want to meet her. what is the problem with that. He then “punished” me by not cooking dinner because he said he diidn’t want to talk about her. I am sorry but I am not happy with “yes” “no” answers when I am trying to have a conversation. His yes/no responses were telling me that he just wanted me to shut up. He also want to tell her in person about cancelling for saturday when I insisted he text her. I think his attitude shows he doesn’t give a hoot about me or maybe I am overanalyzing everything. I don’t want to push him away

You did just fine. You’re not pushing Him away- you are just setting the boundaries of what is appropriate and what is not. Don’t let him blame you for this. You have done yourself and your marriage great good with the way you handled this. Your marriage will be much stronger because of this.

 

[Carjack1]

Carjack, I’ve been reading this thread since the start, and all I see is you blaming yourself for your husbands UTTERLY INEXCUSABLE behavior.

You are not overreacting, he’s being totally inappropriate. TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE!!! He’s acting like a 16 year old who’s mom isn’t being ‘cool’ about his girlfriend. It’s WAYYYYYYYYY out of line!! The nature of his interaction with her, and the way he’s reacting shows his immaturity. I’m sorry to be blunt, but that’s the truth hon.

You can’t take this too seriously in my opinion. This won’t stop here if it’s not nipped in the bud. :yup:

I think your hubby is a rescuer, and this woman in MANIPULATING him into thinking she needs to be rescued. The old damsel in distress thing.I agree with this 100%… Not only that, but if my husband was jealous I wouldn’t DARE to pull any of that stuff. That would be suicidal on my part(metaphorically) Very likely her DH is not controlling, he’s probably a lot like your DH and fell for her damsel routine. Now that her DH has figured her out, and she’s not getting the attention she wants from him (coddling, etc.) she’s moved on to greener pastures. AND your husband, being a rescuer, get’s a LOT of self bolstering from rescuing a damsel, especially a slim, cute one. And BTW WHY WOULD ANY MAN SAY THAT TO HIS WIFE!!! I sort asked him what she looked like because he talked so much about her. So this may be my fault. Don’t ask if you don’t really want to know type thing:shrug: It’s a dig, plain and simple. He sad it, to get to you.

Carjack, I’m a ‘not that slim’ woman myself, and I KNOW what we do when it comes to men… we let things like this GO because we don’t have the self worth to think we deserve BETTER. We rationalize to the nth degree. We think we are lucky to have ANY man, let alone one who treats us as we deserve to be treated. You must of read my mindLet me tell you that is BS. Total BS. I don’t care if you are a size 2 or 32, this is NOT OK behavior on his part. Plain and simple.

Carjack, I’ve SO BTDT, which is why this probably sounds so harsh, but I’m seeing myself in this situation, and I know how it went down, and how things spiraled in the following years. Please, don’t just let this go!!!I’m not

You have prayers galore from me, prayers prayers prayers!!! And feel free to PM me anytime. :hug1:

Thank you so much

 

[maria29]

**Did he have women friends before you were married? Or is it just this one woman?

Has he shown you any of the texts? To be fair I’ve done the exact thing where I’ve sent the wrong text to someone, since when I text you can just hit the last person who called or texted you. Not sure if this the case here but it can happen**.

 

[shannyk]

**Did he have women friends before you were married? Or is it just this one woman?

Has he shown you any of the texts? To be fair I’ve done the exact thing where I’ve sent the wrong text to someone, since when I text you can just hit the last person who called or texted you. Not sure if this the case here but it can happen**.

maria, I see where you are coming from here, that it could be an accident that she sent love ya…but this goes way beyond one 'accidental ’ text.

It’s no accident that he spent the day with her when wife was away, it’s no accident that he’s arranged to watch movies with this woman in his home AGAIN while wife is away. It’s no accident that he is making passive aggressive bullying comments and making wife out to be a b@#%h because of HIS bad behavior.

Let’s assume it WAS an accident. It really doesn’t change anything.

 

[kevinsgirl]

maria, I see where you are coming from here, that it could be an accident that she sent love ya…but this goes way beyond one 'accidental ’ text.

It’s no accident that he spent the day with her when wife was away, it’s no accident that he’s arranged to watch movies with this woman in his home AGAIN while wife is away. It’s no accident that he is making passive aggressive bullying comments and making wife out to be a b@#%h because of HIS bad behavior.

Let’s assume it WAS an accident. It really doesn’t change anything.

I agree with this. One text message out of the blue…even if it was an “I love you” one…wouldn’t necessarily send up warnings to me. It’s not just the text…it’s all the other things AND the text on top of it.

 

[Carjack1]

**Did he have women friends before you were married?He had one which I was fine with because I met her, pluse she is “gay” so I didn’t feel threatened. He is sort of a loner. ** Or is it just this one woman? This woman irks me because she has NO life. texting and talking to my husband constantly. she isn’t comfortable at first meeting. but she is comfortable sitting on my sofa, in my house, with my husband. The logic is FAULTY at best and EXTREMELY dangerous at worst.

Has he shown you any of the texts?All of them with the exception of the I love you text from yesterday. To be fair I’ve done the exact thing where I’ve sent the wrong text to someone, since when I text you can just hit the last person who called or texted you. Not sure if this the case here but it can happen.

It may be an accident. But there are too many coincidences. My husband didn’t reply to the i love you. what would make her investigate the texts that she sent and then say “oh, that was for my husband. I am so sorry” I am not buying that. Especially if it was hours after the original text

 

[estesbob]

This woman irks me because she has NO life. texting and talking to my husband constantly**. she isn’t comfortable at first meeting. but she is comfortable sitting on my sofa, in my house, with my husband. The logic is FAULTY at best and EXTREMELY dangerous at worst.**

Well since she won’t be coming over for movies this weekend perhaps you and your husband can sit down Saturday night and watch the movie Fatal Attraction. Perhaps he can see a connection. (And yes this is an attempt at humor )

 

[Carjack1]

Well since she won’t be coming over for movies this weekend perhaps you and your husband can sit down Saturday night and watch the movie Fatal Attraction. Perhaps he can see a connection. (And yes this is an attempt at humor )

lol

I hope?

 

[Jennifer_J]

Maybe try here for some counseling, either individual or couple. They offer phone counseling and are very Catholic:
exceptionalmarriages.com/

 

[Carjack1]

He doesn’t believe in counseling He is athiest, otherwise I would bring up Christ and His Church.

 

[C2K2]

Maybe try here for some counseling, either individual or couple. They offer phone counseling and are very Catholic:
exceptionalmarriages.com/

I second this resource b/c you can get alot of support with individual counseling and they have great ways to deal with tempertantruming spouses. Please contact them.

 

[kmleo]

He doesn’t believe in counseling He is athiest, otherwise I would bring up Christ and His Church.

Of course, he doesn’t. He’s smarter than the counselors, right? Just because he is atheist doesn’t mean you can’t talk about Christ. Even atheists (honest ones) can admit that Jesus is an excellent example of how to live. But marriage, as one of the longest-standing institutions of all humans, not just Christians, can be defended on non-Christian grounds as well. It’ll be up to you to defend it!

You are going to have a hard row to hoe, here, so to speak. You have been given a cross that will tempt you to give up, lose faith, abandon your spouse and all sorts of other tricks of the devil. There are many temporal ways for you to handle your husband when he behaves like a jerk. The first is not to let him convince you that his problems mean you are somehow less of a person. You are beautiful! God loves you! We love you!!

I believe you will only find peace through prayer. Pray constantly. Offer up every single insult and every time you have to bite your tongue. Unite your suffering to Jesus’ pain on the cross. Pray before the Blessed Sacrament. Begin fasting. Ask others to pray for you (Prayer Intentions board is the perfect place). You won’t be able to change him, but you will be able to bring the Holy Spirit deeper into your own life and into your home. You will also be able to change yourself – not in any superficial way, but in a much deeper way. You will be surprised how much a good relationship with our Lord can do for your self-esteem!!

I am praying for you!!

St. Monica, pray for us!
Blessed Mother, pray for us!

 

[duskyjewel]

Carjack, I am so sorry you are going through this. You and I have had our heated moments on the board… but no one deserves this.

Honey, I think it is time for you to admit to yourself that this marriage was a MISTAKE. I don’t say that based only on this thread, but on several others combined with this one.

Your husband is a bully, he is controlling, he manipulates you and treats you like a child. He says mean things to you to make you blame yourself for the horrible things HE does. Abusers have extremely good radar when seeking potential victims. He probably could tell right away that you have self-esteem issues and that he would be able to use those to keep you there cooking and cleaning for him, giving him sex when he wants it, bringing in money from your job, all while giving him an outlet for his need to hurt and humiliate someone. And you would blame yourself and think you just needed to work harder to make/keep him happy.

The only thing worse than making a mistake is holding onto it and continuing to make it over and over again, and to make it for your children, out of the pride of refusing to admit to yourself that you made a mistake. Imagine him treating your babies like he treats you… that should be enough to make you break the four minute mile running away from him!

The humiliation and pain of admitting such a huge mistake, the regret of feeling like you wasted years, will be hard to live through. But it will be nothing compared to the pain and sorrow you will live with for decades if you choose to keep trying to keep and please this man.

Others may accuse me of being too flippant about advising an end to marriage. I really am not. This is what I really feel and think based on everything I have read from you over the last few weeks/months. This situation is BAD for you and he has no willingness to change anything for your benefit. You are torturing yourself trying to figure out how to be better for him, how to keep him feeling happy and secure. Do you think he is doing that for YOU? :nope:

 

[duskyjewel]

Offer up every single insult and every time you have to bite your tongue. Unite your suffering to Jesus’ pain on the cross.

Look, I am all for prayer, and by all means, do that Carjack. But this idea that sticking around to be abused is somehow noble and will get a person to Heaven… is just SICK. Do you advise she pray for the children she someday makes with him, too? Do you think it is right for her to purposely subject her future children to emotional abuse and bullying, by choosing this man to be their father?! How far does this go? If he gets physical, as abusers often do, should she offer up every slap and curse, every rape, and unite it with Jesus’ suffering? I know he hasn’t gotten that far, and some never do, but abuse only escalates…

As far as I know, this is not a sacramental marriage. But even if it was, I would advise her not to live in the same house with him.

 

[estesbob]

Carjack, I am so sorry you are going through this. You and I have had our heated moments on the board… but no one deserves this.

Honey, I think it is time for you to admit to yourself that this marriage was a MISTAKE. I don’t say that based only on this thread, but on several others combined with this one.

Carjack:

The worst you can possibly do at this point is take the advice of anonymous Internet posters to end your marriage . One of the reasons we see so much divorce in this country is people jumping ship the first time a problem comes along. I don’t see the you have any major unsolvable problems with your husband and I think after this is sorted out your marriage be stronger,

Let me be a little blunter. The idea that anyone could read through this thread and tell your marriage was a mistake is complete and utter nonsense…

 

[estesbob]

Look, I am all for prayer, and by all means, do that Carjack. But this idea that sticking around to be abused is somehow noble and will get a person to Heaven… is just SICK. Do you advise she pray for the children she someday makes with him, too? Do you think it is right for her to purposely subject her future children to emotional abuse and bullying, by choosing this man to be their father?! How far does this go? If he gets physical, as abusers often do, should she offer up every slap and curse, every rape, and unite it with Jesus’ suffering? I know he hasn’t gotten that far, and some never do, but abuse only escalates…

As far as I know, this is not a sacramental marriage. But even if it was, I would advise her not to live in the same house with him.

How dare you. How dare you come into an Internet forum and advise somebody to end their marriage. If I was a moderator I would ban you for life.