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ComputerGeek25
Guest
Even, if it’s not adultery, in the strictest sense, I still don’t think it’s adviseable.
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Jea9
Guest
I don’t think dating is advisable either, but I think getting to know one another and being friends is OK. My husband and I were close friends for 3 years before we ever dated, I think more people should take time to be friends and get to know one another without that serious boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
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St_Francis
Guest
I think that generally the 6 years between 19 and 25 are a bigger age gap than between, say, 40 and 46.
This particular age gap could easily encompass a teacher-student age gap, and society considers that *terrible. *
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lizaanne
Guest
EVERY marriage is considered VALID until/unless a Marriage Tribunal determines otherwise. To be advising this girl that he is not married because he was married outside the Church is extremely unwise. You have no idea if he is telling the truth, or what the true details of the situation are. What if they had a Convalidation during their marriage, but he doesn’t think it counts or matters because he’s divorced? Didn’t think of that, eh? 
Even if a Catholic is married outside the Church they must still petition the Tribunal for a judgement on their freedom to marry. There is no exception to this.
SO - given this - yes, it is adultery for her to be dating a married man. Because he IS considered to be married.
~Liza
Even if a Catholic is married outside the Church they must still petition the Tribunal for a judgement on their freedom to marry. There is no exception to this.
SO - given this - yes, it is adultery for her to be dating a married man. Because he IS considered to be married.
~Liza
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
Once you start getting into your late 20’s, or 30’s, the age becomes less and less of a difference.
But 19 and 25? I did a lot of growing up between 19 and 25. And know a lot of people that have.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
EVERY marriage is considered VALID until/unless a Marriage Tribunal determines otherwise. To be advising this girl that he is not married because he was married outside the Church is extremely unwise. You have no idea if he is telling the truth, or what the true details of the situation are. What if they had a Convalidation during their marriage, but he doesn’t think it counts or matters because he’s divorced? Didn’t think of that, eh?
Even if a Catholic is married outside the Church they must still petition the Tribunal for a judgement on their freedom to marry. There is no exception to this.
SO - given this - yes, it is adultery for her to be dating a married man. Because he IS considered to be married.
~Liza
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crazzeto
Guest
He still needs a declaration that his marriage is null, i.e. an annulment. it’s never as simple as just getting a divorce. At least I’m pretty sure about this, at any rate it sounds from what you post here that this man hasn’t really bothered to investigate the matter. This might be an incorrect assumption, so I certainly wouldn’t confront him with it just like that. But it’s worth finding out what his status is in this regard, and whether or not this is something that he is willing to go through investigating and then doing.
If not, then you need to avoid the near occation of sin and seperate your self from this guy. I’m not suggesting that he isn’t a wonderful guy and all, I’m sure he’s a terrific guy. But if what I state is correct, then he is not ready to lead the development of the faith of his family, much less help you grow in your faith should a relationship blossom between the two of you.
God bless,
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Jea9
Guest
There really is no need to be condescending (eye roll). I did think of that. I mentioned that he needs to have it investigated. If you have ever listened to Catholic Answers Live and the extreme amount of phone calls they get on this subject, EVERY time a person calls in and says “I am Catholic, but my wife and I got married by a justice of the peace” they will ALWAYS say to live as brother and sister until they can have their marriage convalidated. I said, more than once, it is not a good idea to date this man until she knows for sure, but that it doesn’t preclude getting to know him or being friends. Again, this is totally different if the guy is not Catholic (I don’t think it said in the OPEVERY marriage is considered VALID until/unless a Marriage Tribunal determines otherwise. To be advising this girl that he is not married because he was married outside the Church is extremely unwise. You have no idea if he is telling the truth, or what the true details of the situation are. What if they had a Convalidation during their marriage, but he doesn’t think it counts or matters because he’s divorced? Didn’t think of that, eh?
Even if a Catholic is married outside the Church they must still petition the Tribunal for a judgement on their freedom to marry. There is no exception to this.
SO - given this - yes, it is adultery for her to be dating a married man. Because he IS considered to be married.
~Liza
) because then his marriage is automatically presumed valid until investigated.Please don’t think I’m advocating dating a married man. I just think, in this instance, rushing to call it adultery (especially when most people here, were it the husband or wife questioning, would NOT call it a marriage) is not appropriate. She should tell him to investigate, she should not date him until she knows for sure. But telling the girl she is an adulteress when it might be that she is NOT, is not the best way to give advice.
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puzzleannie
Guest
no it would not be adultery unless you entered into a sexual relationship, but as stated he is off limits unless and until the Church issues a judgment regarding his marital status that states he is free to marry. Keep looking. his first marriage will most likely be determined invalid due to lack of form, but that is his issue, not yours. Your issue is not getting sucked into a romantic involvement with someone who is not free to marry. Your other issue is dating someone who has been married before (disregarding Church law when he did saw) is now divorced (why?) and has children. 3 red flags. Even if as is likely he gets a declaration that he is free to marry due to lack of form, why has he not done this first since he wants to date again?
Maturity: is a 19yr old mature enough to handle a relationship with someone who has at least some issues since he has been divorced, and to be a step mother to his children, and deal with the emotional baggage involved.
Maturity: has this gentlemen resolved the underlying issues that led to his disregard of Church law, and that led to his divorce.
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lizaanne
Guest
So how exactly do you suggest they “get to know” each other and become friends? That happens between men and women by DATING.
A Catholic has one purpose in mind when dating and that is marriage. Do date purely for entertainment purposes is selfish, and uses the other person for one’s only personal enjoyment. If you are not considering marriage when dating someone then you need to move on and find someone else.
Besides - how completely irresponsible it is for her to step into a situation where there are young children, where there could possibly be an opportunity for reconciliation between husband and wife. We don’t know this - neither does she. If I were to learn this about someone on my first DATE I would absolutely consider them off limits and look elsewhere, after encouraging him to try to keep his family together.
~Liza
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Jea9
Guest
Ahhh, the voice of reason speaks. Thanks puzzleannie, I enjoy your posts, and think you’ve made very good points, in a way that will bring the truth to the OP with charity. Although my initial thought was that she could remain friends with this guy, I think your posts have made me realize that it might not be the most prudent course of action for her.
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Jea9
Guest
Are you married? Do you have friends of the opposite sex that are not your husband? Did you date them all? I agree whole heartedly that you should not date if you are not discerning marriage with a person, did I state otherwise? You can get to know a person who you are not dating by not spending time alone with that person, doing group activities, being friends.
I guess I don’t understand your vehemence towards my posts. I agreed that she should not date him, I did not think that precludes being friends with a person. And yes, I think that people of the opposite sex can be friends; I think that it is not the same kind of friendship that you would have with another girl, as you shouldn’t be in situations that could be occasions of sin, but I think it’s possible.After reading puzzleannie’s post, I agree that it might not be wise to stay in a close friendship with him.
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Em_in_FL
Guest
I started dating my husband when I was 19… he was 29. We got engaged at 21/31, married at 22/32, and have been married (and have 3 kids now) for 9 1/2 years.
The age (in and of itself) is not the issue. Some people can handle age differences like this just fine.
The issue at hand is that he is a divorced man without an annulment.
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angelinefromtx
Guest
Woah! Talk about insight 
really thank yall so much for your time to read and answer. I read all the replies (it was like reading my conscience speaking to me) and unfortunately I do agree. Unfortunately cause even though he is such a good guy (yes he’s catholic) at least from what I feel its not worth going through all this seems like a lot and I guess I didn’t really think bout it. I’m actually going to be 20 in sept but by that time he will already be 26 ha I don’t mind the age but yea the whole married divorced kids is sooooo new to me I thought I should try it out but ugh ill just stick to the simple path, and waiting to see if god will send me a good catholic guy who hasn’t been married or had any kids. So I guess I can only give this guy my friendship.
really thank yall so much for your time to read and answer. I read all the replies (it was like reading my conscience speaking to me) and unfortunately I do agree. Unfortunately cause even though he is such a good guy (yes he’s catholic) at least from what I feel its not worth going through all this seems like a lot and I guess I didn’t really think bout it. I’m actually going to be 20 in sept but by that time he will already be 26 ha I don’t mind the age but yea the whole married divorced kids is sooooo new to me I thought I should try it out but ugh ill just stick to the simple path, and waiting to see if god will send me a good catholic guy who hasn’t been married or had any kids. So I guess I can only give this guy my friendship.
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angelinefromtx
Guest
Ooh and btw I asked this question cause I love the way my spirutual life is going and I did NOT want to jeaopordize by soul. So to make it easy for me to drop this guy (cause I really do like him) I look at it this way…maybe God will be happy cause ill resist this temptaion.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
Don’t get us wrong, stuff may work out between you two.Ooh and btw I asked this question cause I love the way my spirutual life is going and I did NOT want to jeaopordize by soul. So to make it easy for me to drop this guy (cause I really do like him) I look at it this way…maybe God will be happy cause ill resist this temptaion.
However there needs to be some things rectified/serious red flags before you two get all serious’n’stuff.
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lizaanne
Guest
Please do not speak for me. I do not agree with or endorse or encourage this relationship, even if he is free to marry.
~Liza
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Calliso
Guest
I do think it is best for you right now to just pursue a friendship with him. The whole marriage thing and especially the kids could throws so much potential conflict and drama into the whole mess. I donlt think the age difference is anything big though, but still I would stay friends for the time being at least. At least until his marriage is trully over and you have thought long and hard of the implications of being with him.
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glenconnor
Guest
You definitely have more insight and prudence at 19 than I did, that much is certain. Keep putting the Lord first, and you’ll never get off course.
Joshua
Joshua
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