Amusing verses in the Bible

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I actually get a bit of a chuckle from the whole Finding of Jesus in the Temple episode.

First of all - imagine the looks on Mary and Joseph’s faces when they realise He’s missing … the one task God has given them to do in their lives is to keep His only Son safe, and they flub it!

Then after they find Him, and Mary in true mother-y style does the whole ‘How could you worry us like that?’ thing, Jesus does the typical oblivious teenage-boy thing and just says ‘Why were you worried?’. Such a classic.
 
2 King 2:23-24:
“As [Elisha] was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.”
always a classic 👍
 
So there’s this Christian comedian called Tim Hawkins that I like who tells this story: he was giving one of his talks at a church. Afterwards, the people line up to have him autograph his dvds. The first lady asks him to please put his favorite Bible verse under his name. His mind went blank. He couldn’t remember the verse. So, he puts a random Bible reference and prays it’s a good one. He does the same verse for all one hundred autographs. When he gets home he looks it up, praying desperately that it’s a good verse. He reads:
“Lo, I have a painful disease in my loins.”
 
:rotfl:

Thanks, Missionarygirl, I needed a good belly laugh tonight!
 
Besides Paul putting people to sleep and talking them literally to death, the passage I always get the biggest kick out of is the story of the three “visitors” who told Abraham that he and Sarah would have a child in spite of their age. Sarah chuckles and wonders if she’s going to have sexual pleasure again, which is so cute. I can just imagine her old face turning young at the thought… 'But the Lord said to Abraham: "Why did Sarah laugh and say, “Shall I really bear a child, old as I am?” Is anything too marvelous for the Lord to do?..Because she was afraid, Sarah dissembled, saying, “I didn’t laugh.” But He said, “Yes you did.”

I didn’t. Yes you did. No I didn’t. You did, too. No, no, really I didn’t. But I heard you and you definitely did…
Does Sarah really think she’s going to win an argument with God?
 
When a brother greets you with a loud noise in the early morning, it will be counted to him as a curse.
Proverbs 27:14
 
I cannot believe no one has mentioned Aaron’s answer to Moses after the Golden Calf incident?!

Exd 32:[1] When the people saw that Moses delayed to come down from the mountain, the people gathered themselves together to Aaron, and said to him, “Up, make us gods, who shall go before us; as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”
[2] And Aaron said to them, “Take off the rings of gold which are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters, and bring them to me.”
[3] So all the people took off the rings of gold which were in their ears, and brought them to Aaron.
[4] And he received the gold at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, and made a molten calf; and they said, “These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!”

then later…
[21] **And Moses said to Aaron, “What did this people do to you that you have brought a great sin upon them?” **
[22] And Aaron said, "Let not the anger of my lord burn hot; **you know the people, that they are set on evil. **
(Notice he’s already passing the buck and blaming others for his mistake.)

[23] For they said to me, Make us gods, who shall go before us; as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.' [24] And I said to them, Let any who have gold take it off’; so they gave it to me, **and I threw it into the fire, and there came out this calf." **

“I threw it into the fire, and there came out this calf.” THAT TO ME IS JUST HILARIOUS!! I laugh every time I think about it.

When I get to heaven and I find Aaron, the first question I’m going to ask him is, “did you honestly think he’d believe you??!!”
 
I cannot believe no one has mentioned Aaron’s answer to Moses after the Golden Calf incident?!

Exd 32:[1] When the people saw that Moses delayed to come down from the mountain, the people gathered themselves together to Aaron, and said to him, “Up, make us gods, who shall go before us; as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”
[2] And Aaron said to them, “Take off the rings of gold which are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters, and bring them to me.”
[3] So all the people took off the rings of gold which were in their ears, and brought them to Aaron.
[4] And he received the gold at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, and made a molten calf; and they said, “These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!”

then later…
[21] **And Moses said to Aaron, “What did this people do to you that you have brought a great sin upon them?” **
[22] And Aaron said, "Let not the anger of my lord burn hot; **you know the people, that they are set on evil. **
(Notice he’s already passing the buck and blaming others for his mistake.)

[23] For they said to me, Make us gods, who shall go before us; as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.' [24] And I said to them, Let any who have gold take it off’; so they gave it to me, **and I threw it into the fire, and there came out this calf." **

“I threw it into the fire, and there came out this calf.” THAT TO ME IS JUST HILARIOUS!! I laugh every time I think about it.

When I get to heaven and I find Aaron, the first question I’m going to ask him is, “did you honestly think he’d believe you??!!”
I was actually thinking of that! Very good!! 😃
 
Apologies in advance for the following. 😊

Genesis 46:9 in Hebrew: “And the sons of Reuben: Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron, and Carmi.” In the Septuagint:And the sons of Ruben; Enoch, and Phallus (Φαλλους Phallous), Asron, and Charmi.
 
I think it was Billy Crystal who pointed out the first Jewish joke was in the Bible:
“and they said to Moses, ‘Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness?’” Exodus 14:11

I have always been amused at the way Adam points the finger not only at Eve but at God as well:
“The woman, who you gave me,” Genesis 3:12

And then I can’t help but imagine the look of disbelief on the apostles’ faces when Jesus, surrounded by a crowd, asks
“who touched me?” Luke 8:45
 
The whole story of the Jews wandering around in the wilderness and always complaining for 40 years is pretty funny. I like the way “manna” means “what is it?”
 
The whole story of the Jews wandering around in the wilderness and always complaining for 40 years is pretty funny. I like the way “manna” means “what is it?”
This is no amusing verse in the Bible but I cannot resist.
Modern art gallery. The guide was pointing to a canvass totally red. He said: “This represents the Hebrews crossing the Red Sea!”. And a visitor asked: “Where are the Hebrews?”. The guide pointed: “They have already crossed!”. “And the Egyptians?!”- asked another puzzled visitor. “They are yet to arrive!”- said the guide.
 
The whole story of the Jews wandering around in the wilderness and always complaining for 40 years is pretty funny.
Especially since the journey between Alexandria and the Negev takes eight or nine hours by car …talk about a bunch of drama queens, no wonder God was fed up.
 
Especially since the journey between Alexandria and the Negev takes eight or nine hours by car …talk about a bunch of drama queens, no wonder God was fed up.
Can you imagine the morning planning to decide which way to go that day? 😃
 
I think it was Billy Crystal who pointed out the first Jewish joke was in the Bible:
“and they said to Moses, ‘Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness?’” Exodus 14:11

I have always been amused at the way Adam points the finger not only at Eve but at God as well:
“The woman, who you gave me,” Genesis 3:12

And then I can’t help but imagine the look of disbelief on the apostles’ faces when Jesus, surrounded by a crowd, asks
“who touched me?” Luke 8:45
And of course Peter in his usual way goes on to say what they were all
thinking - "Lord, here we are surrounded by people, and you ask ‘Who touched me?’ "

Which must be one of the biggest statements of the bleeding obvious in the Bible.
 
Especially since the journey between Alexandria and the Negev takes eight or nine hours by car …talk about a bunch of drama queens, no wonder God was fed up.
:rotfl::rotfl: That’s exactly how I picture it!
 
Especially since the journey between Alexandria and the Negev takes eight or nine hours by car …talk about a bunch of drama queens, no wonder God was fed up.
They didn’t have cars, of course. Even the ultra-fit Roman army at it’s quickest could only do about 30 miles a day. And they didn’t have children or old folks slowing them down.

Of course it was God’s choice - that 40 years was His punishment on them for their sins. maybe they would’ve whinged and sinned less had He permitted them to get there a bit quicker?
 
If you read the Exodus accounts, the Chosen People got to the Promised Land fairly quickly. But they wimped out and were frightened to attack all the Canaanites, and most of the scouts gave a discouraging report. That’s when they were punished by having to stay desert wanderers. Moses kept them nomadic until the naysaying generation was dead, and only then did the Chosen People come back to the Promised Land and did the job God had asked them to do.
 
If you read the Exodus accounts, the Chosen People got to the Promised Land fairly quickly. But they wimped out and were frightened to attack all the Canaanites, and most of the scouts gave a discouraging report.
Yes, unlike in Cecil B. DeMille where it seems that the (very sanitized) golden calf incident was the immediate cause for the forty-year wandering. 😉
 
I cannot believe no one has mentioned Aaron’s answer to Moses after the Golden Calf incident?!
Oh, and just to add to my former comment:

A Jewish folktale actually attempts to cut Aaron some slack by making his (lame and feeble) excuse literally true. 😃 From Louis Ginzberg’s The Legends of the Jews:

Strange as it may seem that Israel should set out to worship this idol at the very time when God was busied with the preparation of the two tables of the law, still the following circumstances are to be considered. When Moses departed from the people to hasten to God to receive the Torah, he said to them: “Forty days from to-day I will bring you the Torah.” But at noon on the fortieth day Satan came, and with a wizard’s trick conjured up for the people a vision of Moses lying stretched out dead on a bier that floated midway between earth and heaven. Pointing to it with their fingers, they cried: “This is the man Moses that bought us up out of the land of Egypt.” Under the leadership of the magicians Jannes and Jambres, they appeared before Aaron, saying: “The Egyptians were wont to carry their gods about with them, to dance and play before them, that each might be able to behold his gods; and now we desire that thou shouldst make us a god such as the Egyptians had.” When Hur, the son of Miriam, whom Moses during his absence had appointed joint leader of the people with Aaron, owing to his birth which placed him among the notables of highest rank, beheld this, he said to them: “O ye frivolous ones, you are no longer mindful of the many miracles God wrought for you.” In their wrath, the people slew this pious and noble man; and, pointing out his dead body to Aaron, they said to him threateningly: “If thou wilt make us a god, it is well, if not we will dispose of thee as of him.” Aaron had no fear for his life, but he thought: “If Israel were to commit so terrible a sin as to slay their priest and prophet, God would never forgive them.” He was willing rather to take a sin upon himself than to cast the burden of so wicked a deed upon the people. He therefore granted them their wish to make them a god, but he did it in such a way that he still cherished the hope that this thing might not come to pass. Hence he demanded from them not their own ornaments for the fashioning of the idol, but the ornaments of their wives, their sons, and their daughters, thinking: “If I were to tell them to bring me gold and silver, they would immediately do so, hence I will demand the earrings of their wives, their sons, and their daughters, that through their refusal to give up their ornaments, the matter might come to nought.” But Aaron’s assumption was only in part true; the women indeed did firmly refuse to give up their jewels for the making of a monster that is of no assistance to his worshippers. As a reward for this, God gave the new moons as holidays to women, and in the future world too they will be rewarded for their firm faith in God, in that, like the new moons, they too, may monthly be rejuvenated. But when the men saw that no gold or silver for the idol was forthcoming from the women, they drew off their own earrings that they wore in Arab fashion, and brought these to Aaron.

No living calf would have shaped itself out of the gold of these earrings, if a disaster had not occurred through an oversight of Aaron. For when Moses at the exodus of Israel from Egypt set himself to lifting the coffin of Joseph out of the depths of the Nile, he employed the following means: He took four leaves of silver, and engraved on each the image of one of the beings represented at the Celestial Throne,-the lion, the man, the eagle, and the bull. He then cast on the river the leaf with the image of the lion, and the waters of the river became tumultuous, and roared like a lion. He then threw down the leaf with the image of man, and the scattered bones of Joseph united themselves into an entire body; and when he cast in the third leaf with the image of the eagle, the coffin floated up to the top. As he had no use for the fourth leaf of silver with the image of the bull, he asked a woman to store it away for him, while he was occupied with the transportation of the coffin, and later forgot to reclaim the leaf of silver. **This was now among the ornaments that the people brought to Aaron, and it was exclusively owing to this bull’s image of magical virtues, that a golden bull arose out of the fire into which Aaron put the gold and silver.

When the mixed multitude that had joined Israel in their exodus from Egypt saw this idol conducting itself like a living being, they said to Israel: “This is thy God, O Israel.”** The people then betook themselves to the seventy members of the Sanhedrin and demanded that they worship the bull that had led Israel out of Egypt. “God,” said they, “had not delivered us out of Egypt, but only Himself, who had in Egypt been in captivity.” The members of the Sanhedrin remained loyal to their God, and were hence cut down by the rabble. The twelve heads of the tribes did not answer the summons of the people any more than the members of the Sanhedrin, and were therefore rewarded by being found worthy of beholding the Divine vision.

Note how exonerated Aaron is of all heavy guilt: the golden calf only came into being because Aaron overlooked the miraculous silver leaf. 😉
 
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