An increasingly sad & frustrated Single needs advice

[Jay2]

(Don’t take this the wrong way, or get down on a “see, everyone else can…” thing)
At 29 I was married 5 years.

One day a buddy of mine stopped by. He asked me to come with him to help him buy a new cassette deck. (I was up to my armpits in car engine, covered in grease/dirt, stinky, in ripped jeans and a T-shirt that was dirtier than me). I said “yeah, sure… why not”… wiped my hands on my shirt and got in the car.

We went to the local mall to the stereo store. Just our luck that (in my eyes) God’s most perfect female creation greeted us asking “How can I help you guys…?”

Short version: He bought a cassette deck, and I (after making a total *ss of myself several times) asked her out to dinner & drinks that Friday night, and gave her my number.

Believe it or not she showed up. Not because she was as attracted to me as I was her… (during our dinner conversation she told me I looked like a total dirt-bag in the stereo store - and she normally wouldn’t be caught dead with a guy like that)… she showed up because she lost the slip of paper with my phone number, and didn’t want to be rude and stand me up!

Well, I guess I “shine-up” pretty good, and make a decent 2nd impression. We’ll be married 20 years come Labor Day weekend.

Growing up I was one of the “4 Musketeers”. All of us 4 went through personal hell of one form or another during our childhoods, and we’ve stuck together now into our 40’s.

I was the 1st married. The 2nd married at 34 - after dating (his words) “One psycho-b*tch from hell after another”… he has two kids and will be married 6 years come October. Musketeers 3 & 4 are still single at 42 & 43.

There is a plan. It is NOT yours… things will, and just do happen. I did not plan to meet my wife in a stereo shop covered in grease and smelling like a rendering plant… but I did! She didn’t want to meet for our date, but something told her to go…

The secret (as mentioned) is to just ask. Get yourself out there, and ask a gal out on a date. What do you stand to lose? A few sentences of words, a few hours of your time and a few dollars? Maybe things’ll click, maybe they won’t. Edison discovered nearly 2000 ways how to NOT make a lightbulb… but that last, or that “ok, one more” payed off!

Who knows… If my wife did “stand me up” that 1st date, I may have met a different gal in the restaurant that night… and I’d have a different story to tell…

 

[ack]

and also to the incorrect (and dare I say HERETICAL) notion that only certain people are called to marriage (CCC says that the vocation to marriage is instilled in our very nature)…
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Someone also said to see if you are being called to priesthood. Have you discerned that path?

Can you explain what you mean here? You deny the notion that not everyone is called to marriage, but just a few paragraphs later, you suggest that the OP might be called to the priesthood instead…?

 

[Norseman82]

Can you explain what you mean here? You deny the notion that not everyone is called to marriage, but just a few paragraphs later, you suggest that the OP might be called to the priesthood instead…?

What I’m saying is that marriage is the “default vocation” until otherwise called to a celibate vocation.

 

[jrabs]

What I’m saying is that marriage is the “default vocation” until otherwise called to a celibate vocation.

Default vocation? My buttocks!
Curiously…are you?

There is nothing default about being married. It is the hardest work one will ever know - about continuously giving of yourself and compromising.
If it was so easy, the divorce rate would probably be quite smaller.

 

[kquinn]

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. " Jer 29:11

As others have mentioned, first dicern where God is calling you, be it consecrated single, marriage, or holy orders. Second, this is the ideal time to work on your walk with God. Perhaps (though of course I can’t make this judgement in anyway) this is WHY you have this time. Once you have discerned, regardless of where you are called, work on becoming whole (largely accomplished through our relationship with God). If you are lonely, perhaps find a local organization to volunteer with, work with the homeless, participate in the workings of the Church (lector, RCIA, CCD, etc). If you want to further your education or pursue an area of interest → now is the time. Take the opportunity to attend daily mass, recieve the sacraments, etc.

As so many have mentioned, marriage is not a cure for loneliness or a fix all for our worries…it is work, hard, fully demanding, wonderful work. We are called to help lead our spouse to heaven and educate and spiritually form our children in the Lord…no easy task (albiet, not the only vocation that has these type of difficulties).

So, my advice…live your life, at this moment, in this station to bring glory and honor to God. Get involved, give of yourself, trust that with prayer and patience you will come to know God’s will.

God bless!

kquinn

PS. I would have to disagree that the Church discourages marriage…Pope Benedict XVI and Pope John Paul II have written wonderful works regarding the beauty and importance of marriage. It may be true that we see an emphasis on holy orders at this time, but that is to be expected in a society that seems to have forgotten the beauty of celibacy and the importance of discernment.

 

[bellerina]

Hey there!! Yes, waiting for that special someone can be extremely frustrating… especially when ALL of your other friends are getting married and starting families. But rather than feeling sorry for yourself and moping around… (women hate that) just know that someone is out there for you. But the waiting part is sooooo boring!!! Well… In the meantime, enjoy life and do some things that you won’t have time/energy for once married. Get the whole skydiving/bungee jumping thing out of your system. Travel now, because once you have kids, your precious vacation time will be spent at grandma’s or Disneyworld. Work on becoming stronger: mentally, spiritually and physically. Enjoy leaving your socks and underwear all over your apartment… although do pick them up if you’re having people over! Spend time with your other single friends. After marriage, they’ll think you’ve gone MIA as you’ll be with the Mrs. all the time.

I’ve learned that you can’t depend on someone else to make you happy. You have to complete that yourself. Think about it: asking someone to not only be responsible for their own happiness, but yours as well, is pretty intimidating, if not exhausting.

 

[bear06]

It would seem that our original poster has disappeared!

 

[FanofB16]

Hi. I’m still here.

I’ve been reading the posts with great attention.

I work long hours and have very little free time. I will hopefully respond soon.

God bless.

 

[FanofB16]

A few weeks ago, I went out with a beautiful Christian woman (I’ve talked about it in another thread). Without going over the same material, we had so much in common, laughed a lot and seemed to be good together. We went out for dinner, cinema, met for coffee, spent the day togetherm I met her family and we chatted almost every day. It was also her doing a lot of the contacting - she texted me, called me etc. While out with her, she said she wanted to take things slowly, but that I was doing very well. 24 hours later, after another really good chat, she texted me to say she did not want to take things further and I no longer see her. I’m still confused by this as we definitely got on well together. Someone has commented to me that it was almost as if she was doing a version of speed dating as we went from seeing each other at dinner etc to no longer seeing each other within 14 days!

I just got a message from her there after 4 weeks asking me how things are with me and saying she will send me back CDs I let her borrow.

I suppose there’s no point trying to begin a conversation with her again and meet up with her again?

I think I’ll just say things are good etc. and thank her for offering to send the CDs back.

I wish she had not contacted me, it just brings back good memories which gave way to bad memories.

 

[StratusRose]

Hmph. That was really tacky of her to send you a lousy text message saying she didn’t want to see you anymore. A woman with class would have told you to your face, or at least over the phone.

 

[dulcissima]

A few weeks ago, I went out with a beautiful Christian woman (I’ve talked about it in another thread). Without going over the same material, we had so much in common, laughed a lot and seemed to be good together. We went out for dinner, cinema, met for coffee, spent the day togetherm I met her family and we chatted almost every day. It was also her doing a lot of the contacting - she texted me, called me etc. While out with her, she said she wanted to take things slowly, but that I was doing very well. 24 hours later, after another really good chat, she texted me to say she did not want to take things further and I no longer see her. I’m still confused by this as we definitely got on well together. Someone has commented to me that it was almost as if she was doing a version of speed dating as we went from seeing each other at dinner etc to no longer seeing each other within 14 days!

I just got a message from her there after 4 weeks asking me how things are with me and saying she will send me back CDs I let her borrow.

I suppose there’s no point trying to begin a conversation with her again and meet up with her again?

I think I’ll just say things are good etc. and thank her for offering to send the CDs back.

I wish she had not contacted me, it just brings back good memories which gave way to bad memories.

I don’t think it would be wrong to tell her that you are confused and see if she was willing to talk about it some more. Or would that just make you feel worse? I just think some times being bluntly honest about our feelings, especially if we are willing to hear blunt honesty in return, can be the most healing thing to do. I think it is in the dark and shadows where the hurt and the confusion tend to thrive. If you bring those things into the light, then you can deal with them. It would be nice if you could learn something from your brief experience, so maybe you’ll fare better next time.

 

[FanofB16]

1. Around 4 weeks ago, when she texted me to say she did not want to take things further, I texted her back and said, I was surprised because I thought we were good together etc,

she replied that it was not me, it was her - she wrote that she had previously hurt her ex and because of that, she did not want to take things further with me. We wished each other well and agreed that we would not see each other again, as I wanted to date her, and she did not want to date me.

1. I heard nothing further but then tonight, I get a text message asking how things are with me and saying she will send me back CDs I let her borrow.

With the text message tonight, I don’t think she is trying to meet up again. All the evidence simply suggests that she wants to return a few important CDs of mine.

Any thoughts on trying to meet up again with her?
(I think I’m just clutching at straws, and to text her back trying to meet up again would only sound like desperation).

Life is weird.

 

[Jay2]

Well, chalk it up to you giving her a “reality check”. It sounds like she would like to patch up her previous relationship - and break away from you clean, without any regrets.

Don’t feel as if you were being “used”… your time together just prompted her to realize that her previous had something she desires… something that you for whatever reason can’t fulfill…

Face it, you enjoyed yourselves! You’ll both have memories… but it’s time for round 2, or 6, or 35, or 247, or…

 

[ltbpoe43]

gotta agree with jay2

move on buckaroo

concentrate on what you have - not what you don’t

 

[Norseman82]

Curiously…are you?

Am I what…married? I thought my previous post answered it.

Default vocation? My buttocks!

Have your buttocks chew on this:

CCC 1603: “The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they come from the hand of the Creator”…“The well being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life”.

Genesis 2:18: “It is not good for the man to be alone”.

 

[Norseman82]

she replied that it was not me, it was her - she wrote that she had previously hurt her ex and because of that, she did not want to take things further with me.

Maybe she’s just psycho?

Is this the same one you posted about previously who said “it’s not you, it’s me”, or is this yet ANOTHER one? If it is another one, you may want to re-evaluate what church functions you seem to meet these winners at (I hope there are other church social functions for you to meet good Catholic women at).

 

[cynic]

28 and never even had a girlfriend…

Face it, some of us are attractive, some of us aren’t… and yes there is much more to dating/marriage than looks, but would you go out with a woman you felt absolutely *no *attraction to? Then you can’t expect a woman to do the same. Being as good a person as you can will only go so far. Not-so secret here ; women aren’t always attracted to the ‘nice’ guys, I know christian women will *say *that they are, that looks, confidence (and a degree of arrogance) are a turn off, but they are probably lying.

Being an ultra nice, eager to please, excruciatingly polite, all-things kind of guy will get you nowhere. Me, I’m physically unnatractive and will probably never marry so it matters not. But I see others, and from that it’s easy to deduce that it’s those guys that make themselves available, are confindent, have opinions, and aren’t afraid to joke around are the ones women like.

 

[bear06]

Maybe she’s just psycho?

Is this the same one you posted about previously who said “it’s not you, it’s me”, or is this yet ANOTHER one? If it is another one, you may want to re-evaluate what church functions you seem to meet these winners at (I hope there are other church social functions for you to meet good Catholic women at).

It sounds more like she’s a drama queen. At some point people wake up and stop being so dramatic - at least hopefully they do.

When I met my future husband I had the whole scoop on him from his friend. We actually talked about his former girlfriend before we even went out. He was probably shocked because I asked him about her right away. I didn’t want to waste my time if he was still hung up. We were very upfront with each other and talked quite openly (not about intimate details) with the idea of no games being played. We just wanted to go out and see where it went. I, and I’m pretty sure he, found this quite different from our other relationships that almost seemed like a chess game of making moves and trying to anticipate the others moves. It seemed quite silly. In fact, I can remember that he seemed to know right away I was the one but I was upfront that I thought I’d found that before and wanted to make sure that he was the one before I led him to believe it only to find out he was not. He was completely understanding because I was upfront about it.

If you think she’s great and want to leave the door open I’d just send her back a text message saying “Thanks, xxx I was missing the CDs. Here’s my mailing address. Of course, if you’d like to go out on a date, give me a call. <— See how dense I can be? Hope all is well with you.” That basically puts the ball in her court. If she wants to date you, she can give you a call. If she simply wants to get the CDs to you then she can do it and you don’t sound like a stalker. If you do get together, lay things out on the table. Let her know that you’re looking for a real relationship but that you don’t need to be married tomorrow. Make sure she knows that you’re not a yo-yo. Like I said, she sounds more like a drama queen than a psycho. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

[bear06]

28 and never even had a girlfriend…

Face it, some of us are attractive, some of us aren’t… and yes there is much more to dating/marriage than looks, but would you go out with a woman you felt absolutely *no *attraction to? Then you can’t expect a woman to do the same. Being as good a person as you can will only go so far. Not-so secret here ; women aren’t always attracted to the ‘nice’ guys, I know christian women will *say *that they are, that looks, confidence (and a degree of arrogance) are a turn off, but they are probably lying.

Being an ultra nice, eager to please, excruciatingly polite, all-things kind of guy will get you nowhere. Me, I’m physically unnatractive and will probably never marry so it matters not. But I see others, and from that it’s easy to deduce that it’s those guys that make themselves available, are confindent, have opinions, and aren’t afraid to joke around are the ones women like.

You’re being too hard on yourself and us women. I’ve gone out with gorgeous guys (my mom used to call one of them “handsome Dave” and I’ve gone out with people with coke bottle glasses who were not “handsome Dave” who dumped me. Before I met my husband, the guy I couldn’t get over was the guy with a huge nose and crooked teeth. While I consider my husband very handsome I’m more of a personality girl. I liked guys who acted like they were handsome. They were confident, had opinions and were fun despite what they looked like. They just weren’t where God wanted me to be and I dare say most of them broke up with me not the other way around.

 

[FanofB16]

I’m back again for more advice.

So, the CDs that I lent my ex friend who is a girl" arrived today with a wee letter. In it:

1. She thanked me for lending the CDS and they were great to listen to.
2. She thought she would send me them now because she is away to visit relations.
3. The letter finished with “take care and may God bless you”.

When I return her CDs, this week or next week, I had thought about maybe inclduing a wee letter asking saying words to the effect that it might to good to meet again as friends only as we both agreed we enjoyed each others company.

So, your thoughts on whether I should do this or whether I should just leave things.

I’m kinda surprised that I got a nice wee letter with the CDs.

I know that I must ultimately make the decision, but I have always appreciated your advice and would invite your honest comments.