An update on the husband and I

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Unsungmelody

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I figured I’d give an update since so many was so kind to listen to my sobbing messages and help me figure out what to do.

We’ve talked it over and after tears being shed on my side, him apologizing, promising he will never ever do the stuff again and will work to get my trust back, he is getting one last chance. That being said, if he snaps at me one more time, or he watches porn one more time, I’m walking.
I worded my message that this is his fourth chance and I don’t think I can emotionally give him any more chances. I do love him…always will but his addiction to porn, his temper, the way he snaps at me for no reason, it’s not something I deserve to be around. I’ve already decided that I honestly don’t want children with him because I’m afraid of how they will be raised with him and what type of things he will “introduce” them to.
I honestly feel that I get further and further away from my faith since I’ve been with him and I don’t know if this is a test (to bring him and myself back) or if it’s a sign that things aren’t meant to be. He is pretty much an atheist and thinks a lot of things that the church does is cruel or stupid, etc. He doesn’t want kids, ever, and I have had no luck on attempting to change his mind.

I’m afraid if he does go back to his old ways that I won’t have the guts to follow through with what I have said. I’m afraid of what will happen if we do split. I’m afraid of what he may do…he doesn’t have that many friends to support him or to talk to so I’m also afraid of what emotional damage splitting will cause him.
 
thank you phil19034. I will see if he would read the books but unfortunately I don’t think he would really read it or pay it mind. I’ve tried sending him websites on how to quit and how to remove it from his life but he just laughed at the sites. I"m sure he didn’t even look at them honestly. And given his lack of faith, faith that he honestly never had, I’m not sure if he would even be open to the religious side of it. I’m thinking more of a more liberal book that shows who bad it is for a person and removing the religious part out. Seems bad I guess but I would think he would pay attention to it more. But then I would have hoped he would have stopped because I told him it hurt me.
He says he’s stopping, I want to believe him, but part of me has a feeling it will stop for a short time, then will restart again (like it has the previous 3 times).
 
I hope that God will intervene and take away his desire to look at porn and increase his desire to fight his addiction with all help and aids available to save his relationship for this one last chance you are giving him.

I pray this for you so you may have a life free of such things and move forward to a marriage filled with joy, love , sacrifice with Christ at the Center.

Mary.
 
MaryT777 said:
I hope that God will intervene and take away his desire to look at porn and increase his desire to fight his addiction with all help and aids available to save his relationship for this one last chance you are giving him.

I pray this for you so you may have a life free of such things and move forward to a marriage filled with joy, love , sacrifice with Christ at the Center.

Mary.
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Thanks Mary
I kind of feel that he won’t open his heart to listen. Not sure what to think honestly. I’m just so confused and heart broken 😛
 
Unsungmelody said:
I figured I’d give an update since so many was so kind to listen to my sobbing messages and help me figure out what to do.

We’ve talked it over and after tears being shed on my side, him apologizing, promising he will never ever do the stuff again and will work to get my trust back, he is getting one last chance. That being said, if he snaps at me one more time, or he watches porn one more time, I’m walking.
I worded my message that this is his fourth chance and I don’t think I can emotionally give him any more chances. I do love him…always will but his addiction to porn, his temper, the way he snaps at me for no reason, it’s not something I deserve to be around. I’ve already decided that I honestly don’t want children with him because I’m afraid of how they will be raised with him and what type of things he will “introduce” them to.
I honestly feel that I get further and further away from my faith since I’ve been with him and I don’t know if this is a test (to bring him and myself back) or if it’s a sign that things aren’t meant to be. He is pretty much an atheist and thinks a lot of things that the church does is cruel or stupid, etc. He doesn’t want kids, ever, and I have had no luck on attempting to change his mind.

I’m afraid if he does go back to his old ways that I won’t have the guts to follow through with what I have said. I’m afraid of what will happen if we do split. I’m afraid of what he may do…he doesn’t have that many friends to support him or to talk to so I’m also afraid of what emotional damage splitting will cause him.
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If you are to a point of considering leaving the relationship, had you tried counseling, marriage or individual?

If he won’t go, would you consider going by yourself so that you have someone to vent to, to bounce decisions off of, get ideas from, get support from?
 
I am sorry that your marriage is so unhappy. I am doubtful that giving him ultimatums is going to be successful. You need to be in counseling and need to be quite honest with yourselves and with each other. Good luck!
 
I hate giving him an ultimatum but I’ve been dealing with his porn addiction, his verbal and emotional abuse for just so long now after he’s promised to change.
I haven’t done counseling. I will of ccourse see one but with my work schedule right now it’s nearly impossibly to find time (not to mention my schedule always changes) and of course I will discuss things over with my priest that I’ve known since I was a kid on the whole matter if he doesn’t change.

He is respecting that I need space right now, which is good as we can both think about our relationship more.

I just need honesty in my relationship. He’s lied to my face before about the porn and hid the fact that he was talking to a female coworker until I did the “who you texting” questions. If he hides that and lies to my face about that what else has he been?
 
Unsungmelody said:
That being said, if he snaps at me one more time, or he watches porn one more time, I’m walking.
I worded my message that this is his fourth chance and I don’t think I can emotionally give him any more chances. I do love him…always will but his addiction to porn, his temper, the way he snaps at me for no reason, it’s not something I deserve to be around.
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I sympathize with your marriage difficulties. I always find it heartbreaking to hear of a marriage that might break up. And please understand that what I am about to say is based only on what you posted – there may be more details that I don’t know, that would change what I would say. But I just don’t understand your statements, that I quoted above. I don’t understand giving your husband only one more chance, and vowing to leave if he falls even one more time.

Porn is an addiction, and like all addictions, it can be very difficult to stop. If your husband is truly trying to stop, but has a moment of weakness, is it fair to leave him over that? (Maybe he’s not trying to stop, and if so, that might be a different story.)

As for his temper and snapping at you, my wife and I both have bad tempers. We both have snapped at each other many times. Neither of us ought to be treated that way. And sometimes it can be hard to forgive, when your spouse says hurtful words in a moment of anger. But my wife and I certainly aren’t leaving each other, or even thinking of it. Now maybe there is more to your story, such as intense and unyielding verbal abuse, or some level of physical abuse. But if is just that he has a bad temper, even though that *is *bad, is it really fair to threaten to leave if his temper flares up just one more time?

Again, my advice may be bad, because there may be more to the story that I don’t know. But based only on what you have posted here, I would advise you to remember that you vowed to be with him in sickness and in health, and for better or for worse. And that isn’t always easy, but that’s part of marriage. And you said yourself that you worry what will happen to him if you leave.

I do think that the two of you should do counseling. And I recognize that there can be extreme scenarios where you could or even should separate from your husband, especially if you are in danger from physical abuse (and there could be other legitimate reasons too).
 
One more thing: I also would recommend that you talk to your pastor, and if possible a good Catholic counselor (one who, unlike many people in secular culture, recognizes divorce as a bad thing to be avoided if possible), before you make any decision to leave your husband. I think it would help to have a second opinion that you are doing the right thing, before making such a momentous decision.

(And maybe you have already talked to your pastor and/or a counselor. Feel free to ignore my advice if it does not apply to your situation.)
 
Thank you Paul for your response. I do plan on seeking counseling and getting a second opinion so to say before I do tell him I’m leaving If that is the right choice.

When I say snap, I mean just his rude passive aggressive comments that even my friends are shocked to hear (last two he did, he said in front of two of my dearest friends) the one made me cry as well. All I did was say hi to him when he got home and he started growling at me in front of my friend about something. I know there will be fights and bickering but we can do so without having my friends hear and without making the other one cry just from one comment.

As for the porn addiction, I’ve been told 3 other times that he promises to stop and never do it again. It stops for a bit then starts again with the same strength. He even now goes to the length of lying to my face about it. I know someone can get rid of an addiction but sometimes I believe too much emotional hurt isn’t good for the other person in the situation.

I could be over reacting but he’s been doing this for over a year and promises left and right it will never happen again and doesn’t reach out for help
 
Be very careful about staying with a man who doesn’t want children. Even if you don’t because you don’t want him to be the father.
Being a mother is the best and most wonderful experience a woman can have. You will be amazed. I caution you in giving up that possibility. When you are too old to conceive, I would wager that you will regret not having those kids.

This is over and above the Church’s teaching on this.

Good luck, I hope it all turns around.
 
I knew before we were married that he never wanted kids. But I know many guys that say they don’t want and then they change their mind. I guess I had hoped that he would have changed his mind.
I mean if I got pregnant he wouldn’t tell me to abort it. And if he did then I’d just walk out Honestly. But he does everything in his power to prevent a pregnancy from condoms and even thinks I’m silly for not being on birth control. I told him my reasons but he still laughs.

I guess I kinda realize I was stupid because I really want children and I knew he didn’t. I figured it was just a stage. I will not give up that dream. I want kids and I will someday have kids.

As I said I am stuck between a rock and a hard place honestly. I don’t have a local priest that I know well enough to talk to about these issues. My family priest that married us is a good Drive plus it would be so awkward for me to talk to him about it.

Are there ccounselors that I can just call or email? Especially ones that are very low cost or free?
 
Many counsellors will talk to you through Skype or face time.

Please be very careful about dismissing the child issue. If you wait too long, you will never be able to go back. If you want children, it is very unwise to stay and hope he will change. He might, but, he might not. If he doesn’t you will always regret it.
It’s a Very Big Gamble.

Your story sounds so close to my own. Even down to the condoms, each and every time. I hated it. I did finally have two children with him, but I paid a very big price. Having children was the best thing I ever did, but to this day, if I could, I would have made a different choice as to the father. My son is still dealing with the repercussions. His father was never much of a father.

Just be very careful.
 
I also know that if I told him that we have kids or I leave, he would have kids. But that’s not fair to him or our future children. I want him to want to have kids with me not because he has to.
He could still change his mind but I told him I’d really like to have at least our first child before I’m 30 and he kinda just shrugs it off honestly.
 
TriciaF said:
If you husband didn’t intend to have children when you married then you need to have the marriage validated if you want to remain in the marriage, as it isn’t a valid Catholic marriage if one partner or both isn’t open to life, isn’t open to having children.
lifesitenews.com/news/for-catholic-marriage-to-be-valid-couples-must-be-open-to-children-reaffirm

God grant you will find healing and a more blessed future.
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This makes no sense.

Yes, intention to never have children is a possible ground for nullity. However, marriages are given the presumption of validity unless/until proven invalid. So we really don’t know if the marriage is valid or invalid as it hasn’t been examined by a Tribunal.

Even if the marriage is invalid it couldn’t be validated unless the husband renewed marital consent with the intention to have children. Which he does not want to do.
 
You mightn’t know a local priest well enough, but we don’t know anyone until we have dealings with them, so if you do go then you will have created a connection.

Your priest has a spiritual duty to you as a parishioner and you have a right to his listening, advice, and support. He is your shepherd appointed by God to your parish, so you have every right to speak to your priest. If you are nervous about making an appointment, then if you explain your situation in Confession.
I got through bad times in my marriage and life with the help of priests in Confession and their advice.

I don’t think your husband will change.
It’s a terrible mistake that has broken many hearts to think you can change the person after marriage. Anyway if at marriage he intended never to have children, sadly it wasn’t a true Catholic marriage. Canon Law says this.
He sounds pretty selfish from all that you shared. It’s sad you are enduring the consequent deep hurt.
 
MJJean said:
This makes no sense.

Yes, intention to never have children is a possible ground for nullity. However, marriages are given the presumption of validity unless/until proven invalid. So we really don’t know if the marriage is valid or invalid as it hasn’t been examined by a Tribunal.

Even if the marriage is invalid it couldn’t be validated unless the husband renewed marital consent with the intention to have children. Which he does not want to do.
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I did say “if”! 🙂
Certain dioceses in the United States have spelled out that not being open to children from the beginning of a marriage, invalidates the marriage. The process for considering a marriage “annulled” - meaning it never validly existed and thus the partners are free to marry others - asks, “whether or not the two people entering into that union were both knowledgeable and capable, and whether they intended to live out the essential obligations of the vocation.”

Sr. Kathleen Bierne, PBVM, the Director of the Tribunal for the Diocese of New Ulm in Minnesota explains in a paper on the diocesan website: “If this study finds that something was missing in their consent, or the union did not, from the beginning, possess the essential qualities of permanence, fidelity, openness to children and openness to the spouse, then the Church, through the office of the diocesan tribunal, may grant a declaration that from the beginning this was not a valid/sacramental bond.”
lifesitenews.com/news/for-catholic-marriage-to-be-valid-couples-must-be-open-to-children-reaffirm
Canon 1055.1 The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of their whole life, and which of its own very nature is ordered to the well-being of the spouses and to the procreation and upbringing of children, has, between the baptised, been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.

Can. 1096 §1. For matrimonial consent to exist, the contracting parties must be at least not ignorant that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman ordered to the procreation of offspring by means of some sexual cooperation.

I just think I’d want to verify these matters, because if there was any question about the validity of my marriage, I’d want to know if I needed to have it validated, or if that was not possible or desirable, then to have some idea if I could seek an annulment.
This wife doesn’t want children with her husband as she doesn’t see him as a fit father, as she herself stated, so she certainly does need advice and help from a good priest who clearly understands the whole situation.

God bless an guide her, (you). :hug1:
 
Unsungmelody said:
I knew before we were married that he never wanted kids.
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In that case, if you do decide to leave, and if you do decide to seek a divorce, you might have grounds to obtain an annulment from the Catholic Church, making you free to marry again. Essentially, both spouses must at least be open to the possibility of children in order for the marriage to be valid in the first place, so it is possible that your marriage could be declared invalid. But I am not a canon lawyer or a priest, so this would be a good issue to discuss with a priest.
Unsungmelody said:
Are there ccounselors that I can just call or email? Especially ones that are very low cost or free?
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Gregory Popcak is a Catholic counselor who works with a team of other Catholic counselors, all of whom do counseling over the telephone. It is not cheap, but they are good, and your health insurance might pay a portion of the cost. You can find out more here:

exceptionalmarriages.com/services/

But your best bet, to start, may be to talk to your local parish priest, even if you don’t know him well.
 
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