Annulment and the psychological affects on children

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David1776

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I am a first time visitor to this website and I am not sure I have chosen the right forum to post this. (I am posting this on another CA forum as well) Here is the issue with which I am wrestling and on which I seek guidance:

I am a Lutheran married to a now practicing Catholic. We have four young children. So that the family has one church home, we attend a Catholic church. My young children all received a Catholic baptism. I was previously married to an Episcopalian with whom I have three children, who are now teenagers. The divorce was the result of the discovery of my first wife’s long term infidelity. Also because it is important to what I am wrestling with: two of my older children (as I was to discover) are not biologically mine (although in every other way, I am their father). I separated from my first wife in 1996 and divorced in 2000. It took four agonizing years.

Because of my prior marriage, my second marriage could not be performed in the Catholic church; however, it was performed by an ex-Catholic priest. My wife who was not a regular church-goer at the time wanted me to get an annulment before the wedding. Having been through a lengthy and painful divorce, particularly where “legitimacy” was an issue, I did not want to put my children or myself through the annulment process. I strongly objected then and continue to object now to the concept that my first marriage was not valid or in keeping with the sacraments.

Now that we have four young children and as a family we attend a Catholic church, my wife is again pressing (this time much harder) that I obtain an annulment of my first marriage. She feels that she and our children cannot be fully within the church without the annulment. My undersanding is that our children can take part in all the sacraments even if she cannot. I continue to have the same objections to an annulment. Most importantly, I am concerned about the psychhological impact on my older children. I have found very little literature discussing the psychological impact of an annulment on children of the first marriage. My concerns are the following: “Dad now wants his marriage to mom declared null and void because [new wife] wants him to.” “What does that mean?” “Are all three of us illegitimate?” It is challenging enough to be teenagers, but teenagers of divorced parents; who were born (2 of 3) of mom’s infidelity (they have known since the age of 10); whose biological dad they don’t know and who has no apparent interest in them; and whose re-married dad is now seeking a declaration that the marriage to their mom was a nullity?? This is very heavy stuff for teenagers. I know that technically-speaking, the annulment does not make the children illegitimate. The Catholic church is clear on that. Under state law, technically speaking, I am the children’s father (regardless of biology) because I was married to their mother at the time they were born. That does not mean that there wasn’t a tremendous psychological impact on them as a result of the divorce and the discovery that I was not their biological father. Putting aside that I disagree with the concept of annulment to begin with, I am very concerned that pursuing one could have a serious negative emotional impact on my children, dredges up a painful past, and may leave doubts about my commitment to them as their father. At the same time, I think it is very important for me to be respectful and considerate of my wife’s concern of her legitimacy vis-a-vis the Catholic church. Thoughts and prayers on this would be greatly appreciated.

David
 
I am a first time visitor to this website and I am not sure I have chosen the right forum to post this. (I am posting this on another CA forum as well) Here is the issue with which I am wrestling and on which I seek guidance:

I am a Lutheran married to a now practicing Catholic. We have four young children. So that the family has one church home, we attend a Catholic church. My young children all received a Catholic baptism. I was previously married to an Episcopalian with whom I have three children, who are now teenagers. The divorce was the result of the discovery of my first wife’s long term infidelity. Also because it is important to what I am wrestling with: two of my older children (as I was to discover) are not biologically mine (although in every other way, I am their father). I separated from my first wife in 1996 and divorced in 2000. It took four agonizing years.

Because of my prior marriage, my second marriage could not be performed in the Catholic church; however, it was performed by an ex-Catholic priest. My wife who was not a regular church-goer at the time wanted me to get an annulment before the wedding. Having been through a lengthy and painful divorce, particularly where “legitimacy” was an issue, I did not want to put my children or myself through the annulment process. I strongly objected then and continue to object now to the concept that my first marriage was not valid or in keeping with the sacraments.

Now that we have four young children and as a family we attend a Catholic church, my wife is again pressing (this time much harder) that I obtain an annulment of my first marriage. She feels that she and our children cannot be fully within the church without the annulment. My undersanding is that our children can take part in all the sacraments even if she cannot. I continue to have the same objections to an annulment. Most importantly, I am concerned about the psychhological impact on my older children. I have found very little literature discussing the psychological impact of an annulment on children of the first marriage. My concerns are the following: “Dad now wants his marriage to mom declared null and void because [new wife] wants him to.” “What does that mean?” “Are all three of us illegitimate?” It is challenging enough to be teenagers, but teenagers of divorced parents; who were born (2 of 3) of mom’s infidelity (they have known since the age of 10); whose biological dad they don’t know and who has no apparent interest in them; and whose re-married dad is now seeking a declaration that the marriage to their mom was a nullity?? This is very heavy stuff for teenagers. I know that technically-speaking, the annulment does not make the children illegitimate. The Catholic church is clear on that. Under state law, technically speaking, I am the children’s father (regardless of biology) because I was married to their mother at the time they were born. That does not mean that there wasn’t a tremendous psychological impact on them as a result of the divorce and the discovery that I was not their biological father. Putting aside that I disagree with the concept of annulment to begin with, I am very concerned that pursuing one could have a serious negative emotional impact on my children, dredges up a painful past, and may leave doubts about my commitment to them as their father. At the same time, I think it is very important for me to be respectful and considerate of my wife’s concern of her legitimacy vis-a-vis the Catholic church. Thoughts and prayers on this would be greatly appreciated.

David
 
I am a first time visitor to this website and I am not sure I have chosen the right forum to post this. (I am posting this on another CA forum as well) Here is the issue with which I am wrestling and on which I seek guidance:

I am a Lutheran married to a now practicing Catholic. We have four young children. So that the family has one church home, we attend a Catholic church. My young children all received a Catholic baptism. I was previously married to an Episcopalian with whom I have three children, who are now teenagers. The divorce was the result of the discovery of my first wife’s long term infidelity. Also because it is important to what I am wrestling with: two of my older children (as I was to discover) are not biologically mine (although in every other way, I am their father). I separated from my first wife in 1996 and divorced in 2000. It took four agonizing years.

Because of my prior marriage, my second marriage could not be performed in the Catholic church; however, it was performed by an ex-Catholic priest. My wife who was not a regular church-goer at the time wanted me to get an annulment before the wedding. Having been through a lengthy and painful divorce, particularly where “legitimacy” was an issue, I did not want to put my children or myself through the annulment process. I strongly objected then and continue to object now to the concept that my first marriage was not valid or in keeping with the sacraments.

Now that we have four young children and as a family we attend a Catholic church, my wife is again pressing (this time much harder) that I obtain an annulment of my first marriage. She feels that she and our children cannot be fully within the church without the annulment. My undersanding is that our children can take part in all the sacraments even if she cannot. I continue to have the same objections to an annulment. Most importantly, I am concerned about the psychhological impact on my older children. I have found very little literature discussing the psychological impact of an annulment on children of the first marriage. My concerns are the following: “Dad now wants his marriage to mom declared null and void because [new wife] wants him to.” “What does that mean?” “Are all three of us illegitimate?” It is challenging enough to be teenagers, but teenagers of divorced parents; who were born (2 of 3) of mom’s infidelity (they have known since the age of 10); whose biological dad they don’t know and who has no apparent interest in them; and whose re-married dad is now seeking a declaration that the marriage to their mom was a nullity?? This is very heavy stuff for teenagers. I know that technically-speaking, the annulment does not make the children illegitimate. The Catholic church is clear on that. Under state law, technically speaking, I am the children’s father (regardless of biology) because I was married to their mother at the time they were born. That does not mean that there wasn’t a tremendous psychological impact on them as a result of the divorce and the discovery that I was not their biological father. Putting aside that I disagree with the concept of annulment to begin with, I am very concerned that pursuing one could have a serious negative emotional impact on my children, dredges up a painful past, and may leave doubts about my commitment to them as their father. At the same time, I think it is very important for me to be respectful and considerate of my wife’s concern of her legitimacy vis-a-vis the Catholic church. Thoughts and prayers on this would be greatly appreciated.

David
 
David,

Let me put this in perspective and, perhaps, go a bit beyond answering your question.

The Catholic Church follows, as closely as possible, to the teaching of Jesus with regard to marriage. That is, once a valid marriage has been established it cannot be terminated. To that end, once a person is validly married he or she cannot divorce and remarry because that would be sinful (adultery). Therefore, before a person can remarry in the Catholic Church it is necessary for prior marriages to be examined to determine if a valid marriage was established.

While your children can participate fully in the sacramental life of the Church the woman you call your wife cannot – and that appears to be a concern for her. It certainly is for the Church who wants to welcome her home to the full practice of her faith.

In terms of psychological affects on the children of putative (presumed valid) marriages – there are virtually none. Nothing in the annulment process affects the children of such a marriage. The damage that is done by the divorce process itself is virtually all the damage that will be done. In some cases, however, it is possible that the process itself will bring to mind the divorce process and that might resurrect the tensions, pain and uncertainty of that event – but generally this is not an issue.

I’ve worked with helping people prepare the paperwork for the annulment process for nearly 20 years now, and I’ve never seen any damage done to the children as a result. I will say that because the process is cathartic for the parents the process has been generally beneficial.

Deacon Ed
 
David,

Here’s the answer I posted in the other forum where you brought this up:

David,

Let me put this in perspective and, perhaps, go a bit beyond answering your question.

The Catholic Church follows, as closely as possible, to the teaching of Jesus with regard to marriage. That is, once a valid marriage has been established it cannot be terminated. To that end, once a person is validly married he or she cannot divorce and remarry because that would be sinful (adultery). Therefore, before a person can remarry in the Catholic Church it is necessary for prior marriages to be examined to determine if a valid marriage was established.

While your children can participate fully in the sacramental life of the Church the woman you call your wife cannot – and that appears to be a concern for her. It certainly is for the Church who wants to welcome her home to the full practice of her faith.

In terms of psychological affects on the children of putative (presumed valid) marriages – there are virtually none. Nothing in the annulment process affects the children of such a marriage. The damage that is done by the divorce process itself is virtually all the damage that will be done. In some cases, however, it is possible that the process itself will bring to mind the divorce process and that might resurrect the tensions, pain and uncertainty of that event – but generally this is not an issue.

I’ve worked with helping people prepare the paperwork for the annulment process for nearly 20 years now, and I’ve never seen any damage done to the children as a result. I will say that because the process is cathartic for the parents the process has been generally beneficial.

Deacon Ed
 
Dear David: A decree of nullity does not make your children illegitimate. (either set). Making that clear at the start should reassure your older children that dad (and his new wife) are not in any way trying to lessen their status or to ‘cancel out’ a valid marriage, or for the current children either though they are probably too young now to worry.

In fact, you may be validly married to their mother, your first wife, despite her infidelity. You see, a decree of nullity does not have anything to do with what happens ‘during’ a marriage, but with what the parties are capable of, consent wise, at the time of the marriage.

That means that you don’t get a decree of nullity because your wife ‘cheated’ on you. It could mean (but that would for the Tribunal to decide) that your first wife was not capable, at the time of your marriage, of intending for this to be a valid marriage, and thus giving full free consent. The infidelity would be a result of that ‘lack’ at the START, and it would be the ‘lack’ that would cause your marriage to be invalid from the start, and not ‘down the road.’

I encourage you to seek out advice from your priest and your diocesean tribunal so that you know exactly what an annulment is, and isn’t, and what is involved. You are in my prayers as I am sure you wish to do what is right in the eyes of God, and your current wife is quite right in seeking to regularize your marriage (if at all possible). Remember, this is a matter regarding her salvation–for if she is not in a valid marriage to you due to your being married in the eyes of God (this is the contention of the Church) to your first wife, your second wife is thus living in mortal sin with you.

However, since at the time of your marriage to your second wife, it appears that she at least, and you quite possibly, thought that you were entering a valid marriage (though as it turns out it is not), your current children are likewise considered legitimate even if your current marriage to your second wife is not considered valid by the Church (and God) which is the case right now.

I do hope that you will be reassured by your priest and take the steps which will lead you to correct your current status, as this will remove your danger of being in continual mortal sin, your second wife’s danger of being in continual mortal sin, and will have absolutely no adverse effect on the legitimacy of your children with either your first or second wife.
 
David1776 said:
I strongly objected then and continue to object now to the concept that my first marriage was not valid or in keeping with the sacraments.
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If you believed this, then why did you think that you could remarry? No man can have two wives, and no woman can be married to a man who already has a wife.

If you believe that your first wife will be your wife until death ye do part (which is what is meant by a “valid marriage”) it cannot be possible for you to be married to the woman that you are now calling your wife.
Now that we have four young children and as a family we attend a Catholic church, my wife is again pressing (this time much harder) that I obtain an annulment of my first marriage. She feels that she and our children cannot be fully within the church without the annulment.
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That’s not just a “feeling” - that’s a fact. Until she receives proof to the contrary (a Declaration of Nullity showing that you are free to marry) she is, as far as she can tell, living with another woman’s husband, and as such, she cannot be admitted to the Sacraments of the Catholic Church.
My undersanding is that our children can take part in all the sacraments even if she cannot.
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Yes, they can. This situation has no effect on their status in the Church. However, she is probably also concerned about the status of her own immortal soul, and would like to be able to get herself back on the path to Heaven, as well.
I continue to have the same objections to an annulment. Most importantly, I am concerned about the psychhological impact on my older children. I have found very little literature discussing the psychological impact of an annulment on children of the first marriage.
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Whatever psychological damage there is will have occurred because of the divorce. A Declaration of Nullity has no effect on the children.
My concerns are the following: “Dad now wants his marriage to mom declared null and void because [new wife] wants him to.” “What does that mean?” “Are all three of us illegitimate?”
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First, why are they even in on the conversation? This isn’t any of their concern. You can explain it to them when they are old enough to get married in their own right, in order to help them avoid your past mistakes, but right now, you have enough to wrestle with, without trying to explain it all to them, as well.

Second, the concept of “legitimacy” is a legal term that affects inheritance. If you receive a Declaration of Nullity, are you likely to write them out of your will? I doubt it. But that’s entirely up to you. Simply reassure them that their inheritance is safe, no matter what happens.
 
My son went through the annulment process. His boys were not affected at all. The annulment process gave my son a time of reflection and understanding of the meaning of marriage.
 
I understand the Catholic church’s teaching on this issue. I am also a protestant and believe that my wife and I are validly married in the eyes of God. I suppose that you would ascribe to the belief that all re-married protestants are living in mortal sin and adultery because they do not obtain an annulment from their church. I had hoped that someone might be able to direct me to any writings or discussions on the psychological impact of annulment on the children of the prior marriage. A dismissive, it has no impact on them at all, is of no help to me and does not recognize the earthly reality with which I am faced.
 
I understand this is very painful for you. I hope you can process and understand that your children’s ability to participate in sacramental life and in the Church is in no way dependent on the marital status of their parents. To be baptized Catholic, at least one parent must have promised to raise the child as a Catholic. That has been done.

I am a Catholic convert. One of my 3 children was born outside of wedlock. She is, actually, “illegitimate”, in the true sense of the word. That makes no difference to her or to me. I repented of my sinful, non-Christian lifestyle and entered the Church, and so did she. There is no “illegitimacy” for us. That is under the blood of Christ. She and I are both completely Catholic.

If you consider your children who are not biologically yours to be your children, then they ARE your children. You raised them. They are yours. Perhaps the union that created them was one of deception. If so, that is under the blood of Christ. They cannot and do not carry that sin. They are clean if they are in the Church. In fact, I would go so far as to say they may PREFER that their parents resolve the past and clean it up, if it is presented in the correct context to them.

My own parents divorced when I was 10. My father later married a Catholic, though he, (like me before I entered the Church) was not even a Christian, but practiced another religion. His wife was afraid of the psychological impact on me and my siblings if he received an annulment. I told both of them that my feelings were actually the opposite. I understood annulments, and preferred that the past be dealt with. I did not feel in any way that an annulment invalidated my parents’ original union. I think this will most likely be the case if your first marriage had lots of wounds and bad feelings, but less likely if your older children wish you and their mother were back together.
 
David1776 said:
I understand the Catholic church’s teaching on this issue. I am also a protestant and believe that my wife and I are validly married in the eyes of God. I suppose that you would ascribe to the belief that all re-married protestants are living in mortal sin and adultery because they do not obtain an annulment from their church.
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Actually, it’s because they are married twice. Read Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:31-32.
I had hoped that someone might be able to direct me to any writings or discussions on the psychological impact of annulment on the children of the prior marriage.
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I am a child of divorce, myself. I can tell you from personal experience that it was the divorce that made me a latchkey child with no room to call my own, since both of the rooms I slept in were used as guest rooms when I was at the other parent’s house, meaning that they weren’t places where I could keep my stuff; they were just places that I slept in while travelling between two houses that were not really “my home” at all.

A Declaration of Nullity wouldn’t have done anything even close to that.
 
David1776 said:
I understand the Catholic church’s teaching on this issue. I am also a protestant and believe that my wife and I are validly married in the eyes of God. I suppose that you would ascribe to the belief that all re-married protestants are living in mortal sin and adultery because they do not obtain an annulment from their church. I had hoped that someone might be able to direct me to any writings or discussions on the psychological impact of annulment on the children of the prior marriage. A dismissive, it has no impact on them at all, is of no help to me and does not recognize the earthly reality with which I am faced.
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David, welcome to the Forums.

I have a question for you. Have you considered how your current wife views the situation? Your securing an annulment is important to her because it will help restore her to full communion with the Church. The annulment is the first step. The next one will be to convalidate your marriage. This means that both of you would go before a priest or a deacon in order to have your marriage blessed by the Church. This is a very simple ceremony that can occur during daily Mass or at a small LIturgy of the Word ceremony (recommended by the Holy Fatherh since you are not Catholic).

The fact that the woman you call her wife values her relationship to Christ and His Church is something that you should not, in my opinion, ignore or not think of as important. While it is certainly laudable that your children are going to Mass and that they are being reared Catholic (which is one of the promises that the Catholic spouse makes), it is important that your children have a good example from both of you, as parents, regarding the importance of being in a valid marriage.

My grandmother went through an annulment. Granted, it took her 40 years, but, she went through it. She never stopped going to Mass and she ensured that my father and his half-sister were reared according to the laws of Christ and His Church. In fact, it was through her devotion that I learned to love the Mass.

Now, to answer one of the questions you raised, if two previously married Protestants were to enter the Church, each of them would have to get an annulment in order for the Church to recognize their marriage. In the eyes of the Church, the Protestants, though married to each other, are still the spouses of the original ones.

As Deacon Ed noted, Jesus spoke very clearly and forcefully on marriage. The Church cannot change what Jesus taught. She does permit annulments on certain grounds; but, she does so always with the teachings of Jesus at the center.
 
David:

First, welcome to CAF. Second, I am so sorry to hear of the very difficult and unusual situation which you and your family find yourselves in. Prayers for all of you.

I do not know of any literature which discusses the psychological impact of an an annulment on children. I would tend to think that the primary psychological impact is from the divorce, rather than a subsequent annulment. I understand your concern that this process could dredge up unpleasant feelings and memories from this experience which you and your family have worked to put in your past. But I also agree with a prior poster that the children would not be directly involved with this in any way. Would they even have to know this process was underway? (I suppose their mother might discuss it with them?)
 
David1776 said:
I am a
Because of my prior marriage, my second marriage could not be performed in the Catholic church; however, it was performed by an ex-Catholic priest. My wife who was not a regular church-goer at the time wanted me to get an annulment before the wedding. Having been through a lengthy and painful divorce, particularly where “legitimacy” was an issue, I did not want to put my children or myself through the annulment process. I strongly objected then and continue to object now to the concept that my first marriage was not valid or in keeping with the sacraments.
d
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I believe as some of your misconceptions about annulment and the process are addressed here you will come to think differently. the damage to your innocent children–and their innocent father–has been done. The annulment puts you children through nothing, they have no part to play, as the investigation focuses on circumstances that pertained at the time of the marriage, not what happened afterward (except insofar as it sheds light on those circumstances). The annulment does not affect their status, legal or with the Church, in any what whatever.

Foremost the process is a healing one and if approached in that light can be immensely helpful and spiritually beneficial for you.

Please sit down with a good priest at a time when he has leisure to answer all your questions, and get all the relevant details.

The overwhelming grace awaiting you and your family when your current marriage can be convalidated is so immense that it would be foolish to forego this gift.

the fact that your wife is asking for you to do this so she can return to the sacraments–of huge importance for her–must not be overlooked. She is not to blame for anything that happened before she met you, yet she is suffering because of it. Please be willing to at least consider her spiritual well being in all of this.

we will praying for you, whatever the outcome.
 
Actually your wife can recieve the sacraments as long as you are not having relations. You say your wife is a praticing Catholic. If she is a practicing Catholic then that tells us you are not having relations or by praticing do you mean she goes to Mass on Sundays.
 
I can only speak as a child whose mother received a decree of nullity after she and my father divorced. She was a non-practicing Catholic. My father was Episcopalian. I was raised Episcopalian. My mother returned to the Catholic Church, received a decree of nullity, and married a Catholic.

I can only tell you that it had no impact on me at all. None. Nada.

Moreover, I am now a Catholic after converting as an adult.

Regarding legitimacy, canon law speaks to this. If your marriage is found to be null, it is what is called a putative marriage:

Can. 1137 The children conceived or born of a valid or putative marriage are legitimate.

And, your children are not a part of the nullity process. They do not participate in any way.

It seems this is not about your kids being psychologically scarred by the nullity process as much as it is that you “disagree with the concept of annulment to begin with.”

Have you looked at what the nullity process is, and isn’t? I highly recommend you get the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster and read it through. It will help you understand what nullity means. The marriage is not “null and void.” This is about it’s validity regarding consent and intent. It seems your ex-wife did not give valid consent nor have valid intent.

Your wife’s soul and state within the Church should be of concern to you.
 
David1776 said:
I understand the Catholic church’s teaching on this issue. I am also a protestant and believe that my wife and I are validly married in the eyes of God. I suppose that you would ascribe to the belief that all re-married protestants are living in mortal sin and adultery because they do not obtain an annulment from their church. I had hoped that someone might be able to direct me to any writings or discussions on the psychological impact of annulment on the children of the prior marriage. A dismissive, it has no impact on them at all, is of no help to me and does not recognize the earthly reality with which I am faced.
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Your wife isn’t a Protestant. She wants to be married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. So far, she has chosen not to do that: that is to say, she wasn’t married by a priest with faculties to do that, she didn’t get the necessary dispensations to marry a non-Catholic Christian who may or may not have been free to marry, nor did she formally leave the Church before doing that, and so on.

As to whether that was a mortal sin, that would depend on whether she appreciated the gravity of her choices. All we can do is say that her actions have met the standard of being a grave matter. As to the Protestants, they are not bound to canon law in the same way that Catholics are. Again, most Protestant churches teach that it is a sin and a grave matter to contract a second marriage when you are already validly married, but whether any particular Protestant couple contracting second marriages were not free to marry or the degree to which they were in the position to appreciate that they were not free to marry is something else again. Their teachings on that are different than ours. Luckily, it isn’t our job to be in the judgment seat on that one. We don’t get into specific cases until specific cases come to us.

Catholics, though, are bound to follow Catholic canon law. In this case, the law is meant to ensure that only those free to marry are allowed to contract a marriage in the Catholic Church. It is the responsibility of the Church to exercise due caution in these matters with regards to those in Her care. As far as those outside the Church, if they married when they were already bound to another, they would be guilty, but making that assessment isn’t the job of the Church until someone approaches the Church to be married.

As far as psychological impact on your children goes, there may be no impact over and above the impact of your divorce, as long as the children have a correct understanding of what a decree of nullity accomplishes. It is very important that you acquaint yourself with the Church’s teaching on annulment and share that with your first wife and the children of your first marriage. Children of a marriage that is later declared null are not considered to have been conceived or born outside of marriage: they are not the product of fornication or adultery. Their conception took place during a time when the marriage had to be considered valid by those of good faith. There is no guilt imputed upon them or their parents on account of the circumstances of the children’s conception.

In other words, explain to them that your wife’s desire to obtain a decree of nullity is not meant to cast any sort of shadow on children of the first marriage, but is meant to legally confirm that you and your wife are indeed free to marry. I am aware of no literature covering this, but know from talking to people that the thought that the Catholic Church has declared a person to be illegitimate and her parents fornicators is extremely hurtful. It can drive a huge wedge between that person and the Catholic Church, especially if the child is a Catholic.

In the meantime, there may be a psychological impact on the children of your current marriage, once they are old enough to realize that you went through the motions of being Catholic, but didn’t feel a need to follow the laws that Catholics have to live by. Your wife feels very strongly that this is the right thing to do. Consider that it might affect her and your children if you refuse to do it. You’re on the ground, so you would know better, but do consider it.
 
See here for one story about how a daughter was affected by her parents’ annulment.
 
I thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. My older children are 15 (twins) and 17 (almost), and should I seek an annulment I would feel compelled to tell them. I don’t think that I could sit back and say they are not a part of it and it is not a matter for their concern. They would likely found out from their mother anyway. I do care about my wife (I bristle at the reference to her as the woman I call my wife) which is why I am taking very seriously her request that I explore obtaining an annulment. From what I can tell from my research, I am not satisfied that I can truthfully satisfy the Church’s grounds for an annulment. Perhaps this is because I object even to the concept that my first marriage was “invalid” from its inception in the eyes of God. I find even more objectionable the recriminations that I and my wife are living in mortal sin. This is my Lutheran upbringing and Lutheran schooling coming through. But I am faced with obtaining an annulment which I do not believe has validity outside the Catholic church establishment for a mortal sin that no one is committing at the risk of emotional damage to my children.
 
Just_Lurking said:
See here for one story about how a daughter was affected by her parents’ annulment.
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This is someone’s sour-grapes diatribe about her bad father. It is not about nullity, although it is couched in those terms.

The errors in it are so numerous that it would be difficult to take them one by one without writing a book.

I will take one in particular:

I genuinely felt sorry for children who had been raised in the Catholic Church who were later told that their parents’ marriage, of which they were a product, should have never taken place.

This is completely untrue. A decree of nullity does not say that the marriage “should not” have taken place.

This woman is disturbed, mentally. She has little knowledge of what a decree of nullity actually is, and is posting pure emotion and bitterness and almost no fact at all.

She’s taking out the fact that her father was a crummy father on the Catholic Church. The fact that her father is a creep and the fact that her father’s marriage was invalid are not a one-to-one correspondence.
 
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